Duh, history is the hugest of subjects, so the ability to learn it hinges on a systematic approach that is fast and conserves effort. As the Iron Chef of World History and World's First (and still only) Historyscoper, please allow me to take over for today and explain the TLW Approach, bon appetit.

History is currently taught wrong, by dreary super-specialists, who drag you deep into a narrow area until you just don't care any more about it and make you decide that you hate all of history. This approach was perhaps necessary in the primitive Paper Era. The super-specialists couldn't teach you what they didn't know. But with the advent of the Age of Aquarius Buckets of Info. Internet Google Age, knowledge is promising to literally pour on all of us in unlimited abundance like the waters of the seas, and a new approach is necessary, er, mine, so that the world will blossom with zillions of eager happy super-generalist historyscopers.

What is a Historyscoper?

A Historyscoper is the Jedi Knight of the Internet Era, able to use his mind to bring peace and justice to the known Universe. Either that or an unemployable dreamer who knows a lot of useless history and is forever trying to get on the TV game show Jeopardy! :)

Broad Before Deep

The number one motto to keep in mind is "Broad Before Deep". The goal is to build in your mind a top-down map of history with the broadest range first before filling lower levels.

Abstract and Forget

The number two motto is "Abstract And Forget", meaning to reduce history knowledge in your mind to golden nuggets, then place the nuggets in your mental map of the Golden Brick Road of Time, remembering a pointer to the map point even if you don't consciously remember all the details. As you return to the map again and again, the details will rise to the surface of your consciousness when they fit into the bigger picture. So actually, the real motto is "Abstract and Forget, Then Remember".

Speed, Speed, Speed

It helps to learn to speed-read. There are a number of courses available, such as Evelyn Wood, which TLW took when he was 13. It also helps to touch-type, which TLW learned to do at age 14. Of course it helps to think fast, which TLW was born doing, sorry. The combo will allow you to type keywords into your search engine fast, read the results fast, and do the mental abstracting fast. Think of it as quantum-entangling your mind with history through TLW. When you're becoming good at historyscoping, the Internet will become like the crystal ball of the Wicked Wizard of the West in The Wizard of Oz. If the historyscope is done right, you won't need to take notes, but that's up to you if you want to record deeper detail, in which case you should keep your own private historyscope, don't even think of using handwriting, fast typing is a must; if you think my historyscope missed something major, feel free to tell me. Think of rewriting TLW's historyscopes some day, or reconstructing the historyscopes you've mastered if you're put in solitary confinement and have all the time you need, you'll never get bored.

From a Weakness to a Strength

As I'm fond of saying, everybody's born not knowing history, but doesn't have to die not knowing history, if they study history. Take the attitude that your ignorance is a weakness, and through study you're determined to turn the weakness into a strength by mastering history nugget after history nugget. The trap pikers fall into is thinking they know facts they don't, making them full of it. Admit you don't know yet, then go out, scope and know. The real question is, how old will you be before you know enough to be called a Historyscoper, not by the ignorant public, but by moi?

Get Activated

If you want to quantum-entangle your mind with history through TLW, you must be activated, which means you know it's what you want to do with your life, and you're ready to pay the price. Until you're activated, you're just piddling around, getting nowhere. After you're activated, every move you make builds up and up toward the end goal of becoming a six-thousand-year-old soul AKA a Historyscoper.

Spread the Knowledge Wealth

Another good motto is spread the knowledge wealth, meaning don't be stingy with your history knowledge. Teach people history nuggets every chance you get. Edit Wikipedia articles every chance you get, you can do it without even logging in. Just don't be full of it and try to expound without mastering all the key facts first, that stinks you up.

Take Care of Your Brain and Eyes

Once you begin devoting yourself to the goal of becoming a Historyscoper, you will end up going into longer and longer sessions on your Internet terminal, hopefully ultimately achieving the Funk of total concentration. Unfortunately, medical science says that a sedentary lifestyle is unhealthy, thus you should force yourself to take an occasional break for exercise. Let's talk about your brain. The hippocampus will have to be built up to levels you never dreamed, and it might strain your brain as you do it, but remember that your entire brain must be utilized to its full capacity to become a true Historyscoper like moi, so welcome all the chemical changes that come, you're getting better and will know it. It might help to take nutrients for the brain, that's your option, I'm not recommending anything specific, but psychedelic drugs are definitely not recommended because you must become totally serious and sober and master the factual level of history to make progress, and want your mind clear as you flood your frontal lobes with oxygenated blood and scope. Yes, when you're doing it right you will notice a need for more oxygen. Let's talk about your eyes. Long sessions in front of a computer screen will definitely produce eyestrain. Blink often, use medically-approved eyedrops, and take eye nutrients especially bilberry to help keep your eyes functioning at peak.

Be a Pansophist

You're already a historian, you wrote 10 books and won a Pulitzer? Sorry, prior knowledge in one narrow area of history is no leg up in this new field. Expertise in some academic discipline such as the arts, sciences, or technology helps to an extent because it trained your brain to learn and think critically, but as you progress all the knowledge you can get will help, because you will ultimately want to understand what all the history is about, like Newton's invention of calculus. The motto is "Be a Pansophist", eager to learn everything about everything, no limit, and no time limit, keep building for the rest of your life and see you at the top. I should add, be an autodidact pansophist. In this field of fields, you must ultimately become your own teacher. Yes, TLW is your teacher now, you'd be nowhere without him, but he's not standing over you cracking a whip is he? You have to make it happen, there's no one to point fingers at except in the mirror. Your brain must expand, it's a complex process nobody understands, but it has to be your will, it can't just be poured in like with a funnel. It's your own wonderful brain activity, sparks are flying, the lightning storm is going in your frontal lobs. Sacrifices will have to be made. You won't be able to ride your Hog as much, but the Internet will be your bike, and your journeys will be through Time. Ultimately you may become like TLW, the Brain Bug, the Sponge, the Guild Navigator, the Architect, who cares what material possessions Bill Gates has, I got knowledge and he doesn't, the Starchild of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

What is the Great Track of Time, er, What is Time?

Nobody really knows what time is, but we all recognize its existence. Quantum Physics teaches us that time starts out at the quantum level and is very iffy, then spreads into our scale and turns deterministic and rock solid before spreading on into the galactic scale, where we have trouble even keeping track of it. Luckily, the deterministic scale covers our home of Earth, and what a Historyscoper wants is to master the Great Track of Time for Earth back all the way to the Dawn of Time. Too bad, human history drops off the map about 6,000 years back, and if you want to build a map you have to switch to scientific and religious theories, your pot luck.

The First Baby Steps

You're new to historyscoping, so your mind is probably like a swampy mush, er, mushy swamp of jell-o on the subject of history. Let's start with the first baby steps, building your mental map of history starting with Ground Zero.

Ground Zero: The Foundation

First of all, we need a foundation. Let's start with the beginning. We want to learn the history of the world, and that means Earth. What is Earth? It's a sphere, get over it. Quick! What is its diameter, in thousands of miles, to one digit accuracy? Eight. When God made the Solar System, he made Earth the 8-ball in the side pocket. What is the mathematical formula for its diameter? D times the magical number Pi, approximately 3.1, giving approximately 25 thousand miles. So if you wanted to go around the Earth in 80 days, you'd have to go how many miles each day? 300. That comes to 12.5 miles per hour if you traveled 24 hours a day. No wonder Phileas Fogg could do it in ships and trains, with enough time left over for camels, hanky-panky and a little hiking.

What is the formula for the surface area of the Earth in terms of the diameter D and the magical number Pi? Pi times D squared. That comes out to 197 million square miles. How many acres are in a square mile? 640. So that's a lot of acres. Back in the U.S. Civil War (1861-5), the U.S. government promised the blacks of South Carolina 40 acres and a mule, and later reneged. But when they opened up stolen Indian land for the Oklahoma Land Rush in 1889, they promised each white a whole square mile, so they must have thought that a white was equal to 16 nig, er, blacks. Of course not all of the Earth is dry land, and until we learn to live on the bottom of the sea, we are limited to what fraction? Is it like the 80-20 rule, e.g., 20% of the people have 80% of the wealth? No, God was feeling generous. The Earth is 29% land, and 71% water. Not that generous, however, since the Bible says he foreclosed on a bunch of it with a Great Flood to punish man for being bad. That still comes out to 57 million square miles of dry land, which is a whopping big amount. How many square miles do you own? How many acres? Most people don't even own one acre, yet they're doing okay. How did God distribute the land to the aboriginal races of man? There are seven continents, so if they were all equal in size, they'd each get about 8 million square miles, but too bad, some got more and some got less. List the continents from largest to smallest, along with the number of millions of square miles of land. Hint, the largest has the most people. Okay, I'll tell you. Asia's got 16, Africa 12, North America 9, South America 7, Antarctica 5, Europe 4, and Australia 3. It helps to memorize these rounded figures, 16-12-9-7-5-4-3. So Asia got double, Africa an extra 50%, and the Americas about the right amount, leaving Antarctica, Europe and Australia with half each. So, God must have liked the yellow people the best, followed by the blacks, reds and browns, penguins, and finally the whites and Australian aborigines. That's where the White is Right program came from, because the white Euros overpopulated and solved their problems by striking out and stealing everybody else's land, and needed a justification for their crimes, and what's better than saying that God made the white race to rule everybody else, so hand it over or we'll take it in the name of God? Call that TLW's Fractured History of Europe, take it for what it's worth, but don't forget it.

Your Memory Palace

So, learning history amounts to becoming aware of what happened on the seven continents since Creation, plus the seven seas and space as necessary when humans make history there. Trouble is, history per se, as opposed to archeology, anthropology, geology and cosmology goes back only about 60 centuries, and the amount of information available on each century grows exponentially, while the longer ago something happened the longer it has had to have its effect, just like the foundations of a palace determine how high it can be built before it collapses. That's why your decision on whether the Universe was created in a Big Bang and the Earth is just the result of random chance, or was created by God and is special, or the Universe is eternal and your soul recycles, is so fundamental that it determines your entire Weltanschauung, your religion, morality and everything else. Either way, the part of history where there is common agreement has to fit into your world view or you're outta there, aren't you, so let's get to work and try to learn it.

So, the next step is to begin building your Memory Palace, allocating one room for each century and one floor for each millennium, recognizing that halls, windows, doors, plumbing, ventilation, heating and air conditioning, electrical wiring etc. will come in later to make it a home that can entertain visitors. What are good dates to use?

Your birthdate is always a key. That's where you came in. Think of it as your own very personal and special room. It's different for each person. Your birth year is your home base, the world being divided into two parts, the part before you came in and the part after you came in. TLW's is Jan. 18, 1953. Love the scenery. What's yours?

But are you crazy, said Tom? Moi? Understand and remember the entire history of the world? I can't remember my social security number. I'm no freakin' Rainman, I'll just read David McCullough's 1776 and watch History Channel on TV. The answer is that you do remember, but you have levels of memory. The mind has a built-in photographic memory that retains everything subconsciously, but it also has a survival foo filter that abstracts and forgets, making the conscious level forget-in-quotes what doesn't make semantic sense, can't handle, can't be put in an abstract theory, so you can get through the day without breaking down into an infinite do-loop. You don't ever really forget a fact. Your supervisory system just remembers that you forgot to fit it into your theory yet, and develops a prejudice against remembering it until you do. Only when you are safe in bed and permit yourself to dream does your mind try trotting out some of the buried stuff to see if you can stand to face it naked and without a meaning or theory in which it fits, boxing at air in the dark, creating sweet dreams and nightmares, most of which you won't want to remember when you wake, and probably won't, leave that to neurotic novelists. SI: Supervised Imposter. As time goes on, and you can handle more of nasty reality in real-time, your filter itself changes, and you get wise and walk this world alone, cool and collected, like moi. A Rainman is somebody who is locked in the dream mode, where me is everything, and everything's always on the table, which is why they can remember facts but can't work abstract theories like absent-minded Einstein, like Ken Jennings when they asked him what town General Patton was trying to relieve in December 1944 instead of what town did the American dude say nuts to the Germans in like it was worded on his trivia flash card.

Now, in contrast to the sciences and technologies, history is not about abstract theories, but about hard facts and dates, with theories hard to come by and as tenuous as vapor. So let's mark out your main Memory Palace rooms now, to get off to a quick start.

Everybody knows that 2001 is when 9/11 happened, after which we've all been glued to the set and are still trying to make sense of, which is why we're historyscoping. So the 21st century, which we're in, is duck soup as far as historyscoping, so let's start going downstairs and laying down the framework.

The 20th century began when U.S. president William McKinley, born in 1843, had his own 9/11 on Sept. 6 not Sept. 11, 1901. Really, on Jan. 22, 1901, when Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom died and ending the Victorian Era that began in 1837. The 20th century ended with the Columbine High School Massacre on Apr. 20, 1999, where our youth got to the point that they just didn't care about life anymore, theirs or others', see the Matrix films by the Wachowski Brothers.

Remembering that history is a looking back through ever-dimming light and ever-growing awareness of the light, let's go in reverse order, and see if hindsight is 20-20 or bee spit. June 23, 1993 was Bobbit Day, the Women's Liberation World Holiday, just kidding, that's still in the works. May 22, 1992 was Johnny Carson's last show, pretty much the end of the century for anybody born before the Baby Boomers, AKA the Silent Generation. Jan. 16, 1991 was the start of the Gulf War. Nov. 9, 1989 was the Day the Berlin Wall Fell. Jan. 1, 1984 was George Orwell Day at IBM. June 18, 1983 was when Sally Ride went on one. Mar. 30, 1981 was when Ronald Reagan was shot and proved what a tough cowboy he was, in body if not mind. Dec. 15, 1978 was when the U.S. recognized Commie China, which until then was unthinkable, so let's call it a watershed. Sept. 22, 1975 was the day Pres. Gerald Ford was shot at by a bad shot. May 4, 1970 was when the National Guard proved to be very good shots at Kent State U. July 16, 1969 was when man first landed on the Moon. The 1960s was all about great rock music and bad political events, particularly the Vietnam War and the Prague Spring. On June 5, 1968 RFK was killed, on Apr. 4, 1968 MLK was killed, and on Nov. 22, 1963 JFK was killed. That was a bad decade for good, who died young. Meanwhile on Aug. 29, 1966 the Beatles gave their final concert, and on June 6, 1966 Rosemary Woodhouse had Baby 666 in the Dakota near Central Park, where John Lennon got shot on Dec. 8, 1980. Oct. 12, 1960 is Shoe Day, when Number One Peasant Nikita Khrushchev of the Soviet Union became the world's most famous shoe salesman, failing to sell a pair but setting the Soviet ad campaign (Sputnik, Yuri Gagarin, "we're going to bury you", etc.) back to the 1930s. The 1950s was about safe white America virtually ruling the world as its World Policeman, while the Baby Boomers were slowly finding their own voice and learning to distrust the pigs. Too bad, on Feb. 3, 1959 it was the Day the Music Died in the U.S., paving the way for the British Rock and Roll Invasion of the 1960s. On Oct. 4, 1957 the Soviets startled the West by launching the Sputnik satellite, proving that Capitalism sucks and Scientific Communism rocks. Too bad, Shoe Day was just three years away, how could they know, he always talked with girls so quietly? Oct. 23, 1956 was when the Hungarians revolted from the Soviet Union, and got their butts kicked, with the World Policeman U.S. unable to help, teaching them that it's not about the future, it's not about the past, it's about making every single day last and last and last with a giant Military-Industrial Complex. July 27, 1953 was the day of the Korean Truce, not Korean Peace, never forget that. Jan. 18, 1953 was TLW's birthday, can't resist mentioning it for the umpteenth time, watch for repeats. Just remember that 18 = 6 + 6 + 6, meaning that TLW's a candidate for the Antichrist. Too bad that MLK Jr.'s birthday is Jan. 15 - it will be hard for a country to celebrate two so close together without combining them.

Sept. 2, 1945 was the end of WWII, made possible by Hiroshima Day on Aug. 6, Nagasaki Day on Aug. 9, preceded by D-Day on June 6, 1944, the difference being that back then slant-eyed yellow Japs were considered dogs not worthy of shedding white GI blood over, so they nuked them like cockroaches, giving the U.S. a black eye forever. Not that the U.S. started WWII, they only finished it. WWII began on Sept. 1, 1939, started by Adolf Schicklgruber alias Hitler. Prior to that the Hindenburg Zeppelin crashed and burned on May 6, 1937, ending a beautiful thing in the sky. Oct. 29, 1929 was Black Tuesday, the Great Stock Market Crash, which trashed the 1930s. May 21, 1927 was Lindbergh Day, not gonna stop, not gonna stop until I get my shot, bet on it, who saw the Crash coming? Mar. 16, 1926 was the day that Robert Goddard began shooting off rockets, which in retrospect might be the biggest day of the century, check back later at the Starcon. The WWI Armistice was signed on Nov. 11, less than a year after the Ten Days that Shook the World, the Russian Revolution, which began on Oct. 24, 1917. WWI began on Aug. 1, 1914, that's why they talk about the Guns of August and the July Crisis. The Titanic sunk on Apr. 14, 1912. The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire was on Mar. 25, 1911. That really got the social reform movements in the U.S. heated up, break a leg. Jan. 22, 1905 was Bloody Sunday in Russia, curtain's up, showtime. June 16, 1904 was Bloomsday, if you don't know you missed English in college. On Sept. 6, 1901 William McKinley was shot, that's where we came in.

Now the 19th century. In 1801 Thomas Jefferson became U.S. president #3. Do you smell anthrax in this room? Naw. This century is like stepping back into horse manure, nasty but fairly safe, no Weapons of Mass Destruction to worry about yet, unless you were a non-white aborigine facing a White is Right invasion, the century ending with the Oklahoma Land Rush on Apr. 1899, before which the Statue of Liberty was dedicated on July 4, 1886, the Gunfight at the OK Corral was held on Oct. 26, 1881, the assassination of President James Garfield (b. 1831) happened on July 2, 1881, Custer's Last Stand at Little Bighorn was on June 25, 1876, and the founding of the German Empire with Kaiser and Kraut was on Jan. 18, 1871. The assassination of President Abraham Lincoln (b. 1809) on Apr. 14, 1865 put a bad taste in the mouths of the Yankees who forced the rebel Confederates to Surrender at Appomattox Courthouse Village (not really a courthouse) on Apr. 9, 1865, ending the U.S. Civil War, which began with the fall of Ft. Sumter, S.C. on Jan. 8, 1861. Charles Darwin published "The Origin of Species" on Nov. 24, 1859, giving the human race its second chance, or making sure it had no chance, check back later. John Brown tried to take over Harper's Ferry, Va. on Oct. 16, 1859, triggering the U.S. Civil War. The Charge of the Light Brigade on Oct. 25, 1854 showed the British up as flawed. Harriet Beecher Stowe began publishing "Uncle Tom's Cabin" on June 5, 1851, causing the Civil War. Henry David Thoreau moved to Walden Pond in Mass. on July 4, 1845, starting the Hippie Movement. The Alamo fell on Mar. 6, 1836. The Monroe Doctrine was declared on Dec. 2, 1823. Napoleon was defeated by Wellington at Waterloo on June 18, 1815, right after Andy Jackson and pirate Jean Lafitte kicked British butt at the Battle of New Orleans on Jan. 8. Feb. 4, 1807 was the day that William Wilberforce freed a lot of people. Aug. 6, 1806 was the last day for the Thousand Year Reich of the Holy Roman Empire, which might be considered a V for Napoleon at the time.

The 18th century. There wasn't any U.S. in 1701, in fact they were just settling Detroit so future presidents could ride around in Lincoln Cadillacs. Hey, Louis XIV was president of the United States in 1701, and when he croaked in 1715, he left 5-year-old Louis XV in charge for 59 years (until 1774), and Louis XVI was decapitated on Jan. 21, 1793, less than four years after Bastille Day on July 14, 1789. No wonder France sold us the Louisiana Purchase on Apr. 30, 1803. July 4, 1776 was the birthday of the U.S., which got even for the Mar. 5, 1770 Boston Massacre and the Dec. 16, 1773 Boston Tea Party and then some. Sept. 14, 1752 was the day of the British Changeover from Julian to Gregorian calendars, before which English and American history are confused by the need for double dates.

The 17th century starts off with Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603) running the world of the sea, kind of like the 21st century starts off with Queen Elizabeth II (b. 1926) wishing she ran the world but at least glad she's kept funny ears Charles off the throne. (Will it be King William III, and/or King Henry IX?) Too bad, Liz I was just getting in stride, throwing off her last male bimbo Prince Philip, er, the Earl of Essex when she croaked in 1603, leaving Scot James I in charge, not so much a victory for the lost cause of William Wallace as the beginning of the end of Scottish independence. Sept. 12, 1666 was the Great London Fire, typifying the whole century, which was forked over by the 666 Thang, the nightmare that never dies.

In 1501 Amerigo Vespucci was just discovering America, er, South America, later getting credit for the whole New World because the name Columbia was reserved for Space Shuttles. Back then popes were still big, and in 1501 it was Alexander VI. England was run by Henry VII, as if anybody cares after what his son Henry VIII and granddaughter Elizabeth I later did, the ?!*! Protestant heretics? Oct. 15, 1582 was when the Gregorian Calendar was adopted by Roman Catholic countries, way before the distrustful Protestants grudgingly went with the program after the Spanish Armada of 1588 caused them to suspect that it must be a trick. The Spanish conquered the Mayans in 1546, Francisco Pizarro conquered Peru in 1532, executing big Inca Atahualpa on July 26, 1533, and Hernan Cortes conquered the Aztecs on Aug. 13, 1521. On Oct. 31, 1517 Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses to the church door in Wittenberg, starting the Protestant thang that resulted in advancing civilization, but not without oceans of blood.

Oct. 22, 1492 was the Day Columbus Discovered America, only he thought it was Oct. 12 since he used the Julian Calendar. We're still waiting for a discovery to top that? The year before, Jan. 2, 1492, Isabella I and Ferdinand II the Catholics conquered Granada in S Spain, kicking the pesky Muslims out and allowing them to finance Columbus, who wasted no time did he? On May 29, 1453, almost exactly 500 years before TLW's birthday, Constantinople, the last vestige of the pagan-turned-Christian Roman empire fell to the Muslims, the same year that the Hundred Years' War (begun 1337) ended (Oct. 19) (really the 116-year war but that isn't as easy to remember). On Apr. 15, 1452 big brain Leonardo da Vinci (d. 1519) was born, and the Italian Renaissance was rocking just as Columbus did his thing. Let's not forget Joan of Arc, who began her Virgin Tour in 1428 and ended it in 1431, she shouldn't have given the dog away, it was her fault not their fault. In 1404 there were no Protestants yet, but Henry IV of England did have the pesky Lollards to worry about, when he wasn't sending his son Henry V off to fight the pesky Welsh.

In 1301 William Wallace was running around, welcome to the good life, erin go bragh. The big kings in 1301 were Edward I Longshanks of England and Philip IV the Handsome of France, my you look beautiful in those hoop jeans. Oct. 21, 1307 was Friday the Thirteenth, when the Knights Templar were arrested by mean Philip IV's orders, becoming the mother of all conspiracy theories.

In 1201 the Fourth Crusade was on, and when they sacked Constantinople in 1204, the unity of the East and West branches of the once united Catholic church did the big flush. After heading the failed Ninth and Last Crusade in 1270, Edward I Longshanks of England was defeated on Sept. 19, 1297 at the Battle of Stirling by the erin-go-braghing Scots led by William Wallace, the V that is all the Scots have to hold onto anymore.

In 1104 the First Crusade (begun 1099) was just ended, and it wasn't about English kings Henry IV and V, it was about German Holy Roman Emperors Henry IV and IV, and Italian Pope Paschal II.

In 1001 the Millennium Fever was high, and it's all about St. Stephen I of Hungary and worldly virtual heretic Pope Sylvester II. Leif Ericsson did his big bad about then too (1003). 1054 is maybe one of the most certain dates in history, because that's the Crab Nebula Year, something that's down to astronomical precision. If you want to restructure the Great Track of Time, this is a good place to start, ask Anatoly Fomenko. Oct. 21, 1066 was the Battle of Hastings, when the French-speaking recycled Norse of Normandy took England from the Anglo-Saxons, leading to the birth of Shakespeare.

One Millennium down, now we're into the First Millennium C.E. The year 901 is pretty meaningless, but in 899 Alfred the Great croaked, leaving the first all-Christian united England to his four sons, while the Muslims were terrorizing the Mediterranean, and the Vikings were terrorizing the Atlantic. Did I say were, I meant are. With a Memory Palace it's like Disneyland, the rides cycle endlessly. A big year was the original 911, when the Vikings moved on up to the West Side in France and founded the Duchy of the Northmen (Normandy), which became a springboard to England in 1066, good luck changing the world, I'm just here to meet Barack Obama, I'm gonna get Obamacized.

801 is all about Charlemagne, we're going on that hiking trip to Spain, I promise. Remember how he got crowned as Holy Roman Emperor #1 on Christmas Day in 800 by Pope Leo III, the real origin of the Columbia Pictures Logo?

Let's get serious. 701 is all about the Muslims and their blue skies. It was in 711 that they invaded Spain from North Africa, after which it took until 1491 for the good guys to kick them all back. The year 666 we won't even mention, because it's about that time that the Son of Lucifer came to Earth to kill all believers in the True God of the Book, right?

In 601 the Greek Byzantines of Constantinople were big stuff, still believing they would take back the western side of "their" Roman empire, and not worrying about any Muslims yet, no, it was about them pesky Zoroastrian Persians in the east, and all them half-Christianized Germans in the west, plus Pope Gregory I the Great (who sent St. Augustine to England, where he became the first archbishop of Canterbury), who still thinks his side of the Church is boss.

In 501 the Western Roman empire is kaput, and the Franks are getting their start, while the Persians are big stuff under Shah Kavad I, and Celtic King Arthur is holding the Isles for Mel Gibson.

In 401 the Western Roman Empire is on its last legs, as the swarms of Germans begin making headway in breaking through the limes on the Danube and Rhine Rivers and having their fun. Attila the Hun wasn't born yet, that was 406. Rome was sacked by the big bad Germans in 410. Attilla's big fun in France was in 451. Rome officially fell on Sept. 7, 476, so yes, Rome did fall in the fall.

In 301 Roman Emperor Diocletian was struggling to fight food shortages in the declining Roman world, while little San Marino is founded in the Appenine Mountains of Italy, and is still with us today.

In 201 Roman Emperor Septimius Severus was big man, going on to fight pesky Picts in Caledonia in Scotland in 205, while in 207 Tertullian broke away from the Catholic Church and became the first Protestant holy-roller.

In 101 it was Roman Emperor Trajan, born in Spain, a land free of Moors. The whole First Century is the Home Base for Christians, and maybe the most controversial century, check back with me after the bomb shelters reopen.

In Fun One it was Emperor Augustus, number one in a long line. Jesus Christ was allegedly crucified on Mar. 31, 33, and Nero allegedly fiddled while Rome burned on July 19, 64 (not really).

In -100 Julius Caesar was born, that's the easiest date in history, they should have started the calendar with that year instead of Christ. He was assassinated on Mar. 15, -44, the Ides of March, back when they didn't try to coverup conspiracies, after which they wised up, didn't they?

-71 was the year that they crucified the Six Thousand, including Spartacus.

Starting with -200 we're definitely into ancient history, where things get fuzzy and mushy, and you have to glue the hair down. Let's face it, this is the basement, the unfinished basement. Give me a sec.

-202 was when Rome finished off pesky Carthage, Hannibal and all that jazz. -221 is when the Chin Dynasty was founded in China.

The -300s are all about Alexander the Great, who was born in -356 and died in -323 after buying bicycles for everybody.

The -400s are about the Greeks and the Persians, the Battle of Marathon in -490, the Battle of Thermopylae in -480, the Parthenon being built in -438 to show that Greek rocks.

-586 is when the Jews were swept away to Babylon, the #1 kingdom of the West, allegedly being held captive for 40 years before the Persians came in and took over, and let them return to Israel.

-595 is a big year for Greece, because that's when Solon the Wise founded the laws of Greece, launching their Golden Age, which is the rest of the -500s, and on into the -400s. -399 was when Socrates got cut from the cast. But we're going the wrong way, so I'll back up.

The -500s were the Golden Age of Religion. Buddha sat under the Bo tree in -526, Zoroaster died in -583 after founding Zoroastrianism. Greek philosophers were breeding like rabbits. Meanwhile the Latins weren't spit, mainly shepherds being kept down by the Etruscans.

-509 was the big year for Rome, because that's the year that the Latins reached for their Formula 509 and cleaned the Etruscans out, beginning their long climb out of the peninsula to Number One in the West.

-776 is when the First Greek Olympics was allegedly held, and that's Year One to ancient Greeks. Funny, but -758 is when Rome was allegedly founded, so that's Year One with their rivals the ancient Romans. Just to keep things recycling, the preplanning process between the director and the crew need to know what needs to be recycled, right?

-722 is when Assyria swept away the Ten Tribes of Israel, leaving only the two, Judah and Benjamin, plus the tribe of Levi that doesn't count because they got no land.

-1122 is when Beijing was allegedly founded, which makes the East better than the West, right? Meanwhile -1184 is the Trojan Horse Year, you thought the lesson would end war forever?

A key year is -1250. That's when Rameses the Great, top Ramen of the Egyptian 19th Dynasty (founded -1295) proved that his staff was mighty, ask Norman Mailer and die your hair purple.

Now we're in the sub-basement, -1000 and before. Back then the so-called white master race was mainly going around in skins in Europe's 3.8 million square miles, while Egypt was dying of old age. When I say Hillshire you say farm? The Kingdom of Israel was getting started with King Saul, David, and Solomon, and the Bible really kicks in, wherever your business takes you, Moses is the one to trust, along with Samuel. Whites were wild men, the alphabet was considered high tech, and all dates are mushy, with 1-digit accuracy an illusion, and like a vernier scale, only good in relation to the years around it.

-1500 is the era of the original Great White Aryan Invasion of India, strip the drive-thru and park. Meanwhile the Mycenaeans in Greece started it up, the original Mr. Blue Light.

In -3200 the Scorpion King ruled in Egypt, retro, that's the look, always look for clothes that don't need to be dry-cleaned. In -3500 civilization was down in the mud, in Sumeria, keep your windows open as much as possible and pass me a slice of melon.

Here is a Key Date Table, which you should try to memorize before you seriously study the Great Track of Time.

Use photos to test your recall. After you've mastered a decade, try going back through all the photos provided, trying to remember the names, birth and death dates, reign dates, date of battle and details like who won and what resulted from it, the works of art and scientific inventions and why why why, right down the line from first to last photo. Later, try it again for an entire century, using photos you forgot as a restudy guide. You can beat your forgetit filter if you pester it until it gives up.

Okay, I was just kidding when I told you to memorize all them dates without mentioning a system, and no, flashcards aren't it, they suck. So I got a system, trust the TLW Touch.

The Bruno Furst Tall Jar Memory System

TLW uses a mnemonic system originally devised by American psychologist Bruno Furst (1891-1965). I call it the Tall Jar System.

To memorize a number, either convert it into a phrase using the above code, or use the initial consonants and then add vowels as needed until an imaginative picture emerges that fixes the number in your memory.

For example:

Shakespeare was born in the year 1564.

Turn 1564 into t-l-j-r, then add vowels, obtaining "tall jar". Yes, he was born in a particularly tall jar. Alternatively, form the phrase "tie law shoe rye", and imagine Shakespeare's daddy trying to tie a cop's shoe to a bottle of rye whiskey after the tyke is born.

Another example:

The Naval Battle of Lepanto was fought in 1571, and the Muslim hold over the central Mediterranean was broken.

Turn 1571 into t-l-g-t, obtaining "tollgate". Yes, that Muslim tollgate went out of business. Or, imagine "tie law cow tie", er, forget it? How about t-l-g-d = "tell God", er, forget that too?

Another example:

TLW was born in 1953.

Turn 1953 into d-p-l-m, then add vowels, obtaining "diploma". Give TLW a diploma in historyscoping?

Not that the above mnemonics are all there is to memorizing history. It's about building a memory palace in your mind remember, so that you can give tours. Open your GTT up to the year 1492, and follow along.

It was in 1492 that Columbus sailed the ocean blue and opened the big door for Euros with asses as white as Crisco to move on in and rape, murder and steal from the redskins so 400-500 years later we could all be born there as innocents with no knowledge of er, history. Now that I'm studying the GTT I am waking up. I'll never forget the day, October something, Columbus Day, not 9/11 but 10/11, er, 12. It's all coming back now. I really lived back then. I remember it well. It seems like only yesterday. Old ape oddball Lorenzo the Magnificent just kicked the bucket on April 8 and missed the good news about the Bridge of Pinos Caper on April 17. That Borgia guy got crowned Pope Alexander VI on Aug. 26 in the biggest party seen in Rome since Nero, and tried to palm off his 18-year-old blonde playmate Giulia Farnese as the Bride of Christ.

Chuck 1492 for a minute and remember when we came in. T plus 500, let's look at 1942. The Cocoanut Grove Fire, the Pan-Am Clipper, Guadalcanal, Executive Order 9066, Stalin as Time's Man of the Year. Just five years to go to the daybreak of 1947, when India and Pakistan are born from the dust of the English Patient. Or take the difference, 1947 minus 42. That promising year 1905, before all them world wars messed up our faith in progress. It was in 1905 that Einstein blasted off 5-4-3-2-Ein and berned his name into history.

And the B.C.E. Track, let's take the elevator down. Take that babe Cleopatra. She was born in 69 and set the fine tradition of Marilyning out before 40, in 30, what a mess that avenger Augustus made. The all-new 2007 Dodge Avenger has a cupholder that also cools, too bad she missed it. Now that you've locked-in these factaroonies, they will find a permanent place in your memory palace, which you will be proud to show visitors one day.

Memorizing the Calendar

Life is about choices. Bring your art to the Idiot Savant Festival. Let's learn to calculate the calendar in our heads. That way history is way more fun, and we can try memorizing exact dates, not just years. With Winsdex, the miracles of modern science kill bacteria with a shine.

First, memorizing the current year's calendar is easy, nothing fancy, nothing to figure out, the one-touch ultra-mini. Just get a calendar and note the day on which the first Sunday falls in each month. For example, in 2001, the first Sunday in Jan. falls on the 7th, which is cow in the Tall Jar System. So think of a cow running down the field during the Super Bowl (which is always held in Jan.), or a cow being sworn-in as U.S. pres. (always in Jan.). Once you know that the first Sunday falls on the 7th, you can easily calculate the entire calendar for Jan. in your head, knowing that there are seven days in a week (duh). For example, the 18th (TLW's 48th birthday) is one week after the 7th plus four days, which is Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Now look at your calendar and find the Tall Jar System mnemonic for each of the other months, and you're set for the rest of this year.

Too bad, it only works for the current year, and it would be nice to have a more powerful system. Surprise! We can easily memorize the entire century! How? The secret is in the Solar System, it works like clockwork, very predictable. Just memorize the first day of the century, and you can mentally calculate the rest.

Take the 21st century. Jan. 1, 2000 (Century 21 Day) falls on a Saturday. So you can say that the 21st century is a Saturn Century, woo woo woo. Jan. 1, 2001 is a Monday. Why? Because 2000 is a leap year (2000 is evenly divisible by 400), hence has 366 days, which is 364 + 2, i.e., 52* 7 + 2. So Jan. 1, 2001 falls two days later in the week than Jan. 1, 2000, that is, Monday.

Take the 20th century. Jan. 1, 1900 (Century 20 Day) falls on a Monday. So you can say that the 20th century is a Moon Century. After all, that's when man first set foot on the Moon. Jan. 1, 1901 is a Tuesday because 1900 is not a leap year and only has 365 days, i.e., 52*7 + 1.

Duh, every year is either 365 days long (non-leap year) or 366 days long (leap year), and 365 = 52 * 7 + 1, 366 = 52 * 7 + 2, hence if you know what day of the week Jan. 1 falls in any year, you can easily calculate what day of the week Jan. 1 falls in the next year by "skooting" either 1 or 2. By skooting we mean addition modulo 7, i.e., wrapping around from Saturday to Sunday when necessary, round and round, like the dial of a clock. For numerical purposes, we set Sunday (Zero Day) = 0, Monday (One Day) = 1, Tuesday (Twos Day) = 2, Wednesday (Threes Day) = 3, Thursday (Fours Day) = 4, Friday (Five Day) = 5, and Saturday (Sixer Day) = 6. So to skoot two from Friday, you add 2 to 5 and get 7, which is the same as 0, or Sunday, hippie hippie shake.

What if you want to know on which day of the week Jan. 1, 1963 falls? Simple, just do 63 year skoots starting with Jan. 1, 1900. Since 1900 is a non-leap year (only century years evenly divisible by 400 are leap years, as decided by Topo Gigio, er, Aloysius Giglio in 1582), the year skoot to 1901 is 1. Then the year skoot from 1901 to 1902 is also 1, as are the year skoots from 1902 to 1903 and 1903 to 1904. But the year skoot from 1904 to 1905 is 2, since 1904 is a leap year. Obviously, there must be an arithmetic shortcut, call TLW Medical, they can help you lead a better life. Here it is:

year skoot = n + ((n - 1) / 4)

In the above example, n = 63, because we're skooting from 1900 to 1963. The quantity ((n - 1) / 4) is an integer division, with the remainder if any thrown away. For example:

(63 - 1) / 4 = 62 / 4 = 15 (throwing away the remainder of 2)

So, the year skoot from 1900 to 1963 is 63 + 15 = 78, and after throwing away all multiples of 7, we get 78 = 7 * 11 + 1 = 1 (modulo 7).

Now what if we want to know the day of the week on which Kennedy was shot, Nov. 22, 1963? Simple, we already skooted from Jan. 1, 1900 to Jan. 1, 1963 (the year skoot), so now we skoot from Jan. 1, 1963 to Nov. 1, 1963 (the month skoot), then skoot from Nov. 1, 1963 to Nov. 22, 1963 (the day skoot).

How do we skoot from month to month? Simple. Thirty days past September, April, June and November; the rest have thirty-one, except poor February, which stands alone. There are only four different month lengths: 28, 29, 30, and 31 days. After throwing out multiples of 7, we get 0, 1, 2, and 3 (modulo 7). So, to skoot from Jan. 1 to Feb. 1 we skoot 3, because Jan. has 31 days. To skoot from Feb. 1 to Mar. 1 we skoot 0, because Feb. had 28 days. So to skoot from Jan. 1 to Mar. 1 we skoot 3 + 0 = 3. And so on till we get to Dec. 1.

So the month skoot from Jan. 1 to Nov. 1 is 3. The day skoot from Nov. 1 to Nov. 22 is 22 - 1 = 21 = 0 (modulo 7). And we know the year skoot is 1. Thus the total skoot from Jan. 1, 1900 to Nov. 22, 1963 is day skoot + month skoot + year skoot = 0 + 3 + 1 = 4.

Now, all we need to know is what day Jan. 1, 1900 falls on and we're there. But we already know that the 20th century is a Moon century, so the answer is Monday, which is 1. So the big date Nov. 22, 1963 falls on 1 + 4 = 5 = Friday. Kennedy wanted his big parade through downtown to be on a work day so he'd get a bigger audience, thank God it's Friday? Or was it all a conspiracy, and Lee Harvey Oswald had to be at work at the Texas School Depository to be the patsy, which would have looked like a conspiracy on Saturday, I don't know but I'd like to find out because I'm not able to enjoy being a woman?

So all we need to do is learn the century days and we can calculate the calendar in our head all the way back to Caesar. No problem. The first year of a century is a leap year if it's evenly divisible by 400, e.g., 2000, 1600, 1200, 800, 400, 000 (1 B.C.E.), else it's a non-leap year. Let's take a non-leap century, such as 1900. The century skoot from Jan. 1, 1900 to Jan. 1, 2000 is:

100 + ((100 - 1) / 4) = 100 + (99 / 4) = 100 + 24 = 124 = 70 + 54 = 70 + 49 + 5 = 5 (modulo 7).

The century skoot for a leap century is therefore one more, i.e., 6, because the century year has one more day. Since Jan. 1, 2000 is Saturday, we can skoot backwards 5 to get CD19. But -5 is the same as +2 (modulo 7), so CD19 = Satuday + 2 = Monday, and Jan. 1, 1800 is a skoot of +2 from that, or Wednesday, and Jan. 1, 1700 is a skoot of +2 from that, or Friday, and finally Jan. 1, 1600 is a skoot of +1 from that, or Saturday, because 1600 is a leap year. To summarize:

Every four centuries the total century skoot is 2 + 2 + 2 + 1 = 7, so the century day wraps around and recycles, Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, etc., all the way back to 0 C.E., which doesn't exist, since it's called 1 B.C.E. Either way, it falls on a Saturday, and a century day is never on a Sunday, a Tuesday, a Thursday, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Easy?

Turn up the radio on your morning drive. If we could memorize all the above numbers, we'd have the entire calendar in our heads, like Jack in the Box, and wouldn't have to always be Dunkin' Donuts. Let's redecorate our mental rooms with the Tall Jar Look!

First, the month skoots (non-leap years):

My MA (3) deserves a Valentine's Day card every year in Feb.
My old MA (3) (unable to leap) marched in the St. Patrick's Day parade in Mar.
The Easter Bunny lost his SHOE (6) (so it can't leap) in Apr.
Tie (1) me to the Maypole so I can't leap in May.
The June groom (bride) was stumbling (non-leaping) drunk on RYE (4) in June.
Uncle Sam puts on his marching (not leaping) SHOES (6) for U.S. Independence Day in July.
NOAH's (2) non-leaping Ark was caught in a gust of wind in Aug.
LAW (5) makers convene (sit down, hence don't leap) each Sept.
The witches were held in the ZOO (0) (so they can't leap) in Oct.
MA (3) cooked a sit-down (non-leaping) Thanksgiving dinner in Nov.
The cops (LAW) (5) lock up a lot of drunk drivers (stopping them from leaping) in Dec.

For leap years, you add 1 to each of the table entries above starting with March. If you want to speed up a tiny bit more, you can memorize the month skoots for leap years, but it's not normally worth the aggravation, so stick with adding one, for example, shoe plus one equals cow equals zoo (modulo cow).

If you want, you can think of leap years as Leaping Leprechaun years and non-leap years as Limping Ma years, because the month skoots are identical until we get to March, home of St. Patrick's Day and All Things Irish. Welcome to the View.

Why memorize the Month Skoot Table? Think of it this way. All of world history boils down to ma, the law, Noah, zoo, shoes, ties and rye, plus leap years and non-leap years. It may seem dumb (even Chinese?), but once you memorize this kiddie stuff you practically have the whole calendar in your head. And without the Tall Jar System, how can we memorize these pesky 11 numbers? Turn it into Japanese? Mama shoetie ryeshoe noahlaw zoomalaw? Domo arigato mistah robato? How about haiku? "Mama shoe tie,/ Rye shoe,/ Noah law zoo,/ Ma law"? Or you could try some ad hoc approaches, fluoride is in drinking water, final answer. For example, May is 1 because it's the only month with a May Pole, Oct. is 0 because it's the only month starting with O, Aug. is 2 because it's the month for vacations for two, June is 4 because it's the only month spelled with 4 letters, er, forgot about July, but then it's a ly-er so kick it with your shoe, Sept. and Dec. are 5 because "Dec" is two times five, and "Sept" is, er, forget that, April and July are 6 because April shoe-ers bring July shoo-flies.

Or, you can try mapping the table into memorable dates in history:

Like the TJS better now? Now take the time to learn the Magic 11 Month Skoot Numbers 336-146-250-35.

Stop! You think I was just kidding with you? TLW orders you to memorize these *!?!? numbers now! Don't go any farther until you've done it! There will be consequences! Like going through life dumber than a fill-in-the-blank program with a stuck key.

Spot quiz! July! Answer: 6. November! Answer: 3. April! Answer: 6. September! Answer: 5. May! Answer: 1. October! Answer: 0. March! Answer: 3. June! Answer: 4. November! Answer: 3. July! Answer: 6. August! Answer: 2. September! Answer: 5. November! Answer: 3. February! Answer: 3. March! Answer: 3. Yah, baby! And you're a knitter too, huh?

How do we memorize the century skoots? Easy, just think of each century as having an astrological type determined by the Century Day, the day of the week that the first day of the century falls on, combined with the fact that they were named after astrological objects in the first place (e.g. Sun-day, Moon-day).

Moon (Monday) centuries are when the Western world shoots for the Moon (a New World Order), such as the Catholic Church in the 300s, the Muslims in the 700s, the Holy Roman Empire and the Crusaders in the 1100s, the Protestants in Europe and the Catholics in the New World in the 1500s, the U.S. in the 1900s.

Venus (Friday) centuries are where Euros mainly do the wild thing (venery), e.g., the Germans and Arabs in the 500s, the Vikings in the 900s, the Black Plague cum Renaissance in the 1300s, Louis XV in the 1700s.

Mercury (Quicksilver Messenger?) (Wednesday) centuries are where Euros try to speed the pace of life, e.g., the Normans in the 1000s, Columbus in the 1400s, the Iron Horse in the 1800s.

Saturn (Saturday) centuries are where Euros try to marry something and put a ring on its finger, e.g., the Christians with the Roman world in the 000s, the Germans with the Roman world in the 400s, the Vikings with Europe in the 800s, the Latin Crusaders and their shotgun marriage to Constantinople in the 1200s, the Catholic-Protestant Wars of Religion in Europe and the English colonization of America in the 1600s, remember, nobody beats the king. Zoom zoom zoom, it doesn't say anything since it's a doll? What else does the box say? Maybe it's just all just silly coincidences and forced reasoning, but try forgetting it now, and when you can't, look in the mirror and tell me what you see there.

But it's too hard to do modulo 7 arithmetic in our heads with big numbers like 124? Good news: The entire calendar cycles every 28 years because 28 is the least common multiple of 7 and 4. That's why there are only 14 different calendars in a perpetual calendar, 7 for non-leap years and 7 for leap years, and why they have another table to figure out which calendar to use for a given year, because the leap year calendars are only used every 4 years, who cares, they're for losers, right? So you can subtract 28, 56, or 84 from the year before doing the mod stuff. For example, 1963 has the exact same calendar as 1935 (1963 - 28) and 1907 (1963 - 56). So, instead of 63 + ((63 - 1) / 4), try 7 + ((7 - 1) / 4) = 7 + (6 / 4) = 7 + 1 = 1 (modulo 7).

One little problemo. For the years 28, 56, and 84 themselves, we have to scoot back 1 from the value for year 00, because the entire calendar actually cycles every 400 years, and we have to allow for it. Thus, Jan. 1, 1900 is Monday, but Jan. 1 of 1928, 1956, and 1984 are all Sunday. But Jan. 1, 1901 is Tuesday, as are Jan. 1 of 1929, 1957, and 1985. So let's call the years 28, 56, and 84 "star years" (*), and just remember to subtract 1 for them.

For example, TLW's birth year, 1953. The hard way: 53 + ((53 - 1) / 4) = 53 + 13 = 66 = 63 + 3 = 3 (modulo 7). The easy way: 53 - 28 = 25, and 25 + ((25 - 1) / 4) = 25 + 6 = 31 = 28 + 3 = 3 (modulo 7). Either way, we know that the 0th day of the month (Birth Day Offset) falls on 3 = Wednesday, and since TLW's birthday is the 18th day of the month, it must have fallen on 3 + 18 = 21 = 0 (modulo 7) = Sunday, the wildlife experience, watch out for those bison. Since your birthday falls on the same day each year (unless you're a Leap Year Baby), you might as well memorize your Birth Day Offset too: TLW's is 3, what time is it, summer time, it's our vacation? What time is it, party time, school's out, scream and shout, I'm a Leap Year Baby and am both 56 and 14, figure that out.

If you like, you can memorize the leap year values too.

If you have the urge, you can try memorizing the final reduced values.

Too bad, the above system only applies to the Gregorian Calendar, which begins in 1582 C.E., not the Julian, which begins in 46 B.C.E., otherwise it'd be easy to calculate the date of CD1 (Jan. 1, 0 C.E., i.e., Jan. 1, 1 B.C.E.) as Saturday, and Apr. 1, 33 C.E. (April Fool's Day) as the same weekday as Apr. 1, 5 C.E., which is CD1 + 5 + (5 + 3) / 4 + 6 = Saturday + 5 + 2 + 6 (Easter Bunny lost his wittle shoesies did he?) = Saturday + 6 = Friday.

It's hard to tell from just the raw data, but if Jesus Christ was crucified on Thursday, Mar. 31, 33 C.E., he played Satan's Fool that day and the next day, Saturn's day (Saturday), then allegedly you know what on Sunday, Apr. 3 ("the third day", woo woo woo), making a fool out of Satan (see any Tarot deck, Hanged Man, Fool, etc.). (Maybe this has something to do with Santa Claus? Check back later.) Thus, he has to return in a Saturn century to make a fool of Satan again, and put a ring on the finger of his true believers down in Hell where he was, making his church the bride of Christ? That is, if they used the Gregorian system back then, which they didn't. On the one hand, dirt devil eye is power, and on the other?

Just kidding. The whole purpose of the Gregorian system is to correct for the 10 days that Julius Caesar's ever-losing calendar lost from 46 B.C.E. to 1582 C.E. so that all the religious holidays, especially the Catholic-favorite Always Every Sunday all come out okay astronomically.

But they didn't start applying the correction until 1582, so the people back in 33 wouldn't know about it? Luckily, the calendar wasn't out of synch that early, since it only slips 3 days every 400. Maybe that's why the Church got corrupt in the 4th cent. C.E., because they were celebrating all their holidays 2-3 days too late and God thought they were all sickos, making it worse and worse each year, no matter how many curves he threw them? However, around 1000 C.E. they accidentally skooted to the correct day of the week, albeit a week late, so that explains why God granted them a pass to take back the Holy Land, then got mad at them for continuing to slip back and ultimately caused them to lose the Crusades? Sicko opens in theaters on Friday, Apr. 1.

Seriously, the Julian Calendar slipped 10 days from -46 to 1582, so the day people thought it was at the time is their error not ours, and can't be calculated from the Gregorian Calendar without a lot of bother and historical research, by seeing what day they thought it was. For example, the first "Friday the Thirteenth", Oct. 13, 1307, when they arrested the Knights Templar comes out to: CD14 + 7 + (7 - 1) / 4 + 0 + (13 - 1) = CD14 + 7 + 1 + 12 = CD14 + 6 = 5 + 6 = Thursday, which means the calendar had slipped eight days by then, and they hadn't switched from knife to fork and still used chopsticks for noodles. And hang in there, you're almost half way there, only the Roman Catholic countries adopted Pope Gregory XIII's Gregorian Friday the Thirteenth Calendar in 1582, the other ones smelling a rat and taking their time, with big bad Protestant England waiting until 1700, Russia until WWI, and Greece until the 1920s. The Greek Orthodox Church still clings to the Julian Calendar for holy days, or uses both Julian and Gregorian for insurance, it's a little luxury you deserve. Let your mind go crazy, let your body go wild, get a full serving of fruit.

If you want to speed up a tiny bit more, you might try directly memorizing the month skoots for leap years, although it's not very time-consuming to add one to the month skoots for non-leap years, for example, shoe plus one equals cow equals zoo (modulo cow), so let's not bother, since everybody needs a little wiggle room, waltz, tango, rumba and jive?

Where:
Date = Month, Day, Year = M, D, Y
Y = (100 * c) + n = cy + n, where c = century (1, 2, etc.), cy = century year (100, 200, etc.), n = year within century (0..99)
LC = leap century (y or n); LY = leap year (y or n)

n' = reduced n = either n, n - 28, n - 56, or n - 84 (n' range: 0...27)
ls = leap year skoot = 0 if n' = 0, else (n' - 1) / 4; add 1 if cy is a leap year, then reduce modulo 7
ys = year skoot = n' + ls

cd = century day = 6 for cy = 2000, 1 for cy = 1900, 3 for cy = 1800, 5 for cy = 1700, 6 for cy = 1600, etc.
yd = year day = (cd + ys) modulo 7

ms = month skoot (from table)
ds = day skoot = (D - 1) modulo 7
* = -1 if y = 28, 56 or 84, else 0
Weekday = (yd + ms + ds + *) modulo 7

Now just practice doing these calculations in your head until it becomes natural, and speed yourself up by memorizing frequently-used year days, then speed up your modulo 7 skoot calculations by memorizing that table, and Rainman might get nervous. I can't get fired I just got hired? It's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's no longer a rainy day, let's play?

Good luck, Rainman.

Appendix. The Chinese Calendar.

The Chinese 12-Year Cycle (Yang, Yin, Yang, Yin, etc.):

Rat (1900/2008), Ox (1901/2009), Tiger (1902/2010), Rabbit (1903/2011), Dragon (1904/2000/2012), Snake (1905/2001/2013), Horse (1906/2002/2014), Sheep/Ram (1907/2003/2015), Monkey (1908/2004/2016), Chicken/Rooster (1909/2005/2017), Dog (1910/2006/2018), Pig (1911/2007/2019)

The Pig eats the Rat who scares the Ox into the mouth of the Tiger, while the Rabbit gets away, and the Dragon eats the Snake, the Horse outruns the Sheep, the Monkey eats the Chicken, and the Dog chases the Pig, who you know what?

To memorize the cycle beginning in 1900: ROTARY DISH SMACK DIP.
To memorize the cycle beginning in 2000: DISH SMACK DIP ROTARY.

Do or Do Not, There is No Try

The last motto for Historyscopers is, er, forget it, I didn't come this far to take advice from marionettes :)

The End.

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

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