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The Historyscoper (tm)

Muslim Conquests to 1000 C.E. Muslim Conquests to 1000 C.E.
Prophet Muhammad (570-632) Saladin (1138-93) Ottoman Sultan Suleiman I the Magnificent (1494-1566) Ayatollah Khomeini (1902-89) Saddam Hussein (1937-2006) Osama bin Laden (1957-2011) Omar Sharif (1932-)

A Quick History of Islam for History Ignoramuses (Islam Historyscope)

By T.L. Winslow (TLW), the Historyscoper™

© Copyright by T.L. Winslow. All Rights Reserved.

Original Publication Date: July 4, 2009. Last Update: Sept. 2, 2022.

Free intensive online cram course for all 1400 years

The complete history of Islam in less than 200K words, with over 3K hyperlinks to check facts and go deeper

Enter an Islam history ignoramus, leave an Islam Historyscoper

What Is A Historyscope?

It's alive! There's music! Are they peeping at me too? :) Please, do not be alarmed, this broadcast is now being controlled for your viewing pleasure by the Historyscoper™ Online World History School, run by TLW, the Iron Chef of World History™. Hit the start/stop buttons on the videos above if you like cool music to play while you're reading. To make the music loop, point your mouse to the screen, hit the right mouse button, and click Loop.

Note: I'm not responsible for the link sites, sometimes they change or go down, in which case you can just Google the underlined and surrounding text on your own and find other sites to verify the historical facts that I have led you to, you don't have to take my word for anything.

"To be ignorant of what happened before you were born is to remain always a child." - Cicero (-106 to -43)

"The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil." - Cicero (-106 to -43)

"A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious, but it cannot survive treason from within." - Cicero (-106 to -43)

"All religions must be tolerated... for every man must get to heaven in his own way." - Epictetus (55-135)

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." - Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)

"He who can lead you to believe an absurdity can lead you to commit an atrocity." - Voltaire (1694-1778)

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

"For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth, to know the worst, and to provide for it... Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!" - Patrick Henry (1736-1799)

"Belief in a cruel god makes a cruel man." - Thomas Paine (1737-1809)

"I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man." - U.S. Pres. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent." - U.S. Pres. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"A nation that expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, expects what never was and never will be." - U.S. Pres. Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"While the merciless and dissolute dogmas of the false prophet [Muhammad] shall furnish motives to human action, there can never be peace upon earth, and good will towards men." - U.S. Pres. John Quincy Adams (1767-1848)

"An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come." - Victor-Marie Hugo (1802-1885)

"By dying, Christ left four nails, and Mohammed seven swords." - Victor-Marie Hugo (1802-1885)

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." - U.S. Pres. Abraham Lincoln (1809-65)

"There is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham." - Anna Sewell (1820-1878)

"Hero-worship is strongest where there is least regard for human freedom." - Herbert Spencer (1820-1903)

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." - John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton (1834-1902)

"The civilization of Europe, America and Australia exists today at all only because of the victories of civilized man over the enemies of civilization, because of victories stretching through the centuries from Charles Martel in the 8th century and those of John Sobieski in the 17th century. During the 1000 years that included the careers of the Frankish soldier and the Polish King, the Christians of Asia and Africa proved unable to wage successful war with the Moslem conquerors; and in consequence Christianity practically vanished from the two continents; and today nobody can find in them any 'social values' whatever in the sense of which we use the words, so far as the sphere of Mohammedan influences are concerned. There are such 'social values' today in Europe, America, and Australia only because during those 1000 years the Christians of Europe possessed the warlike power to do what the Christians of Asia and Africa had failed to do – that is, to beat back the Moslem invader. If European militarism had not been able to defend itself against and to overcome the militarism of Asia and Africa, there would be no 'social values' of any kind in our world today, and no sociologists to discuss them." - U.S. Pres. Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

"Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it." - George Santayana (1863-1952)

"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you can see." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"Tolerance becomes a crime when applied to evil." - Thomas Mann (1875-1955)

"The only thing we have to fear on this planet is man." - Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

"The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"The urge to save humanity is almost always only a false-face for the urge to rule it." - H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

"The human mind is capable of infinite self-deception." - Charles Lee Smith (1897-1964)

"Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power." - Eric Hoffer (1902-1983)

"Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them." - Karl Popper (1902-94)

"When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people, those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened." - John M. Richardson Jr. (1938-)

"We welcome Islam in America. It enriches our country with Islam's teachings of self-discipline, compassion, and commitment to family. It deepens America's respect for Muslims here at home and around the world. Today, Muslim Americans are a cornerstone of our American community. They enrich our political and cultural life; they provide leadership in every field of human endeavor, from business to medicine, to scholarship." - U.S. Pres. William Jefferson Clinton (1946-)

"The face of terror is not the true faith of Islam... That's not what Islam is all about. Islam is peace." - U.S. Pres. George Walker Bush (1946-)

"You have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful pattern of conduct for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who engages much in the praise of Allah." - Quran 33:21

"And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allah and be not divided among yourselves." - Quran 3:103

"To say that force is sometimes necessary is not a call to cynicism, it is a recognition of history." - U.S. Pres. Barack Hussein Obama II (1961-)

"As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam." - U.S. Pres. Barack Hussein Obama II (1961-)

"America is not, and never will be at war with Islam." - U.S. Pres. Barack Hussein Obama II (1961-)

"The contribution of Muslims to the United States are too long to catalog because Muslims are so interwoven into the fabric of our communities and our country." - U.S. Pres. Barack Hussein Obama II (1961-)

"I think Islam hates us.... There's a tremendous hatred... There's an unbelievable hatred of us." - Donald John Trump (1946-)

"The declaration of faith, there is no god but Allah, requires you to love only for the sake of Allah, to hate only for the sake of Allah, to ally yourself only for the sake of Allah, to declare enmity only for the sake of Allah; it requires you to love what Allah loves and to hate what Allah hates." - Ibn Taymiyya (1263-1328), Al-Ihtijaj bil-Qadar, p. 62

"O ye who believe! When ye go abroad in the cause of Allah, investigate carefully... For Allah is well aware of all that ye do... Allah hath granted a grade higher to those who strive and fight with their goods and persons (i.e., the mujahideen) than to those who sit (at home)." - Quran Sura 4:94-95

"Those are infidels who say that Christ, the son of Mary is God." - Quran 5:17

"Infidels are they who say God is one [the third] of three." - Quran 5:73

“The angel of the LORD also said to her: You are now pregnant and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the LORD has heard of your misery. He will be a wild donkey of a man; his hand will be against everyone and everyone’s hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers." - Genesis 16:11-12

Red Pill or Blue Pill? Rabbit Hole Rabbit Hole Rabbit Hole

Westerners are not only known as history ignoramuses, but double dumbass history ignoramuses when it comes to Islam. Since I'm currently the world's only Historyscoper (tm), meaning my giant spongelike brain is well-versed in all of the last 6K years of world history like nobody else, I could publish a New York Times bestseller and rake in the dough like Sarah Palin, but it's getting so dangerous to wait any longer that I'm doing it for free, so please allow me to quickly bring you Islam history ignoramuses up to speed. There's 1400 years to cover, so expect it to take a couple of hours, so turn off your TVs and other distractions, get serious and relive your past and change your destiny, you can be both beautiful and smart. Knowledge is power, and this is pure concentrated gold bricks, with links provided to check my facts so you don't have to take my word for anything. Knowledge doesn't necessarily give you wisdom, but it sure beats lack of knowledge. Sorry if you don't have a giant sponglike brain like me, you'll just have to force yourself to open it up to all this new knowledge and get used to being more aware about the world than you used to be, grin. I have nothing to hide or cover up, rather, I'm trying to uncover the truth. So take the red pill and come down the rabbit hole with me and see how deep it goes. Seriously, this is the most powerful historyscope of Islam yet devised, because Master Historyscoper TLW rules. What is a historyscope? TLW's trademark Internet-powered sequential word map technique for history, laying out the map points, structure and flow in your mind to guide you afterward when you want to go deeper, like a real map does. Muslims will go nonlinear if they read it without permission of their mental overlords, and may try to spread disinformation to keep you from reading it, so enjoy it all the more, it's A-List with Rollover. Ouch, I burned my ass with my finger.

Big BicepThis is your brain on TLW.

A couple of hours on the first read, that is. The recommended way to study it is to read through it four times, slower each time, starting by paging quickly to the end to see how much there is to read and how cool it will be to read it, the shocking power of TLW to open up a crystal ball of history to you, you want to read it, you need to read it, go read it, followed by your first read, a speed-read of each paragraph and the images to fix the map points in your mind, then the second read at normal speed to obtain full comprehension, how's he doing, I don't want to look, then the third read, slow and deliberate for memorizing as much as possible and trying to see the flow of time in your mind, your wonderful mental activity has some fuel. Another read would be nice, in which you go backwards paragraph by paragraph, hindsight is 20/20. Finally you are ready to begin going deeper, clicking all 1K+ links, and coming back without clicking links in the links until you've gone over all the top links, after which you can go as deep as you want, see ya in a couple of years. Just kidding, I've been working on it well over a decade, and my job is to give you enough info. that you don't need to click the links unless you really want to. Unlike other Web pages, it has no subpages, but is meant to be kept in your browser in its entirety like a satellite map of time itself that you can scroll around in and watch history unfold beneath you, then pick a section to focus in on, reading my text to get a bird's-eye view, after which only if you feel the need should you click on outside Web sites to go deeper. With a simple tap of your finger you can see the history flow, and focus in on what you want, when you want, that's the power of the Internet to be your portal to history, with my Historyscopes as the master map, drum roll please. Historyscopes go broad first, deep second, not the reverse like the works of mere historians, one day I hope I'll cause a revolution. Not that you have to read it in the first place. You're born not knowing history and can die not knowing history, but if you want to learn history you've come to the right place. Think of it as a complete course without a diploma, rewarding you with the wisdom that comes with real knowledge not hazy generalities. You're the ping pong ball, serve yourself to me and I'll smack you right back, like Brooke Shields with a mullet, all business up front, party in the back. Be sure and keep it always loaded for continual reading, use electronic search on keywords when necessary, and refresh it daily in case it has been updated.

Caveat. As the original Historyscoper I take what some might view as a skeptical irreverent attitude toward all religion. This is because I'm not setting out to prove that Islam is false because Christianity or Judaism is true, or because Atheism is true, but because historical facts lead to that conclusion. Of course, if you take the position that history is false because Islam is true, you're hopeless and unreachable. If you're of the view that historical facts can't be ignored but must be faced to hold any religious belief, we're on the same page, so let's get started.

Name of Muhammad

It all started with an Arab dude out to do some last minute Christmas shopping named Muhammad (570-632), that's his name in calligraphic Arabic. That much everybody knows, right? The problem is that he lived 1400 years ago, and a lot has happened since he dropped his atomic bomb on the world, whose effects are still being felt today. For example, as recently as Jan. 7, 2010 one of his true believers Adis Medunjanin (1984-) uttered the soundbyte "We love death more than you love life" before crashing his car trying to escape from U.S. federal agents in Queens, N.Y. Speaking of loving death, as many as 270 million nonbelievers have been killed by Islam in the last 1400 years, incl. 120M Africans, 60M Christians, 80M Hindus, and 10M Buddhists; actually, that number is shaky, but let's say that there is no doubt that Islam has killed millions in the name of jihad. What's really sick is that true Muslims believe that all their victims are burning in Allah's Hell, and would love you to join them. Wanna know why? Read on.

Before we start, let's cut to the chase. Yes, I know more about Islam's history than you will ever know, and would love to lead you into studying it all with me because it's lonely at the top. But yes, it will take a lot of time, so what's the punch line? Sorry, it isn't that Islam is really a religion of peace like its spokesmen claim, but that it's the world's most supremacist and intolerant ideology, which all along has had a goal of world domination, and hence is an existential threat to the West and everything it worked to build. This bad side is set in concrete in the main holy books, and can't be laundered out via a new Martin Luther and an Islamic Reformation. It's part and parcel of Islam to obey the commands of Allah through his final prophet Muhammad to take over the world and rule it in Allah's name under Allah's Law called Sharia, and for this goal all options are on the table, which is why Muslims might disavow the actions of terrorists but do little if nothing to stop their brother Muslims fighting for their cause. Islam is like a rachet wretch, it only turns in one direction, towards the Submit setting. The Muslim mindset is that all non-Muslims are not only wrong about religion and doomed to Hell by Allah, but are enemies to be hated, lied to, killed if necessary in this life, how can you argue with God? That's why they call Islam the Religion of Peace: they think us infidels have the word Dumbass stamped on our foreheads. It's really the Religion of Hate, and only when everybody Islam hates is subdued under their Sharia courts and Sharia cops can there be peace, theirs, under their terms of unconditional surrender. In Arabic, it's called Al-Wala' Wal-Bara, ("love hate"), meaning that all Muslims must love their fellow Muslims and hate non-Muslim unbelievers (Kafir). In Allah's words, Quran 4:101: "The unbelievers are an open enemy to you." 4:10: "It will be said to the unbelievers: Allah's hatred toward you was far greater." 8:22, 8:55, 9:28: Unbelievers are the "worst" or "vilest" of all living things, and "untouchable". 60:4: "Enmity and hate shall reign between us forever until you believe in Allah." Let's set up a Muslim-Christian mutual understanding and love center and see how long until the first murder. The West needs mass Muslim immigration like it needs a Nazi takeover.

Am I making this up? Judge for yourself, here's the horrible facts.

Up until about 8,000 B.C.E. there was no need for civilization as small hunting parties had all the big game they could handle. Only when the big Ice Age mammals were depleted were they forced to try agriculture, with all its problems, one of the biggest being robbers, and another big one being the need for trade, causing cities to be built along with money and police forces - How the extinction of Ice Age mammals may have forced humans to invent civilization.

Humans settled down and had to go with the vagaries of the climate, and had less big joints to feast on while watching prehistoric football games, but at least they had beer by 6,000 B.C.E., which went good with their onions. See my Beerscope.

History, meaning a written record, began about 4,000 B.C.E., and what happened before that is the realm of anthropology and archaeology. See my Dawn of Time Historyscope (Before 4,000 B.C.E.).

Even then it took thousands of years for cities to develop, causing new problems along with new opportunities for economic specialization. Religious priesthoods, kings and aristocrats became the new wild animals, who protected you while preying on you, causing that old saying "The only sure things are death and taxes." See my Cityscope.

Arabia Map Arab on Camel Yummy Sheep Eyes 'Sheep Eyes' by Ron English

First, a little background. Arabia, Muhammad's home, had gone throughout history without any foreign power, incl. the Egyptians, Babylonians, Hittites, Israelites, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Persians, Parthians, Germans, anyone ever conquering it, I guess it must be hard to perfect desert warfare on the fly. By 1000 (2000?) B.C.E. the camel was domesticated in Sharjah, UAE, and a nomadic culture based on goat and sheep herding developed in madass N Arabia, while the sandy deserts of interior Arabia were linked by camel carvan routes to the N and S, and the S mountains employed terracing for cultivation. By 1000 B.C.E. the N had a priestless polytheistic religion, while the S had a temple-based religion with a pantheon of gods incl. Athtar ("fertile"), Ilmaqah (Almaqah) (moon god), and Wadd ("love"), insert your tasteless English sex jokes here. The Hadrami tribe ruled the Wadi Hadramaut in S Arabia from Shabwa, and controlled the production of frankincense. From the 6th cent. B.C.E the Minaeans controlled the E foothills of the Sarat (Sarawat) Mts. on the W coast, with capital at Ma'in. Saba (Sheba) (Heb. "promise, oath"), home of the Sabaeans, with capital at Marib (Ma'rib) was the wealthiest S Arabian kingdom, with palaces and temples dedicated to the Moon (Sun?) god Ilmaqah at Sirwah, Yithil, and Sa'ana. The N used Aramaic as its written language, and the S used Sabean and Minean. Migrants from Iberia (Spain) brought their magnificent war horses to North Africa as far back as 3000 B.C.E., which spread to Arabia, becoming the super duper Arabian horse, although horses were rare prior to the rise of Islam and they may have been acquired with the conquest of Persia, if so, their use in war must have been overhyped. By the 7th cent. B.C.E. the Arabs of N Arabia developed a special saddle which allowed them to use camels for military purposes, which helped them to control trade in Arabia and earn enough money to buy metal weapons, cinching their sand warfare superiority. The net result by the time Muhammad was born was a bunch of proud camel-riding sheep-herding bedouins, who liked to wear beards and turbans (which originated in Sudan way before Muhammad was born) and swing big swords and eat sheep eyes, and had the ancient code of honor system of An Eye for An Eye and all that jazz. Women were treated like property, as in a man owns so many sheep, so many goats, and so many women, pass the tits, er, sheep eyes. Not that most humans weren't barbarians living under chieftains who were forever at war with neighboring tribes, or slaves of an all-powerful emperor like in China or Persia, or a pharaoh like in Egypt.

Gobekli Tepi

Religion seems to predate civilization. The earliest known cemetery in the Middle East is at 'Uyun al-Hammam in N Jordan, discovered in 2000 by Edward "Ted" Banning of the U. of Toronto, and dated to 14,500 B.C.E.; some graves are buried alongside a red fox. The earliest known human temple is in SE Turkey, the hilltop sanctuary of Gobekli Tepe ("potbelly hill") near the plain of Harran 15 mi. E of Urfa and 20 mi. N of Syria, allegedly about 9,500 B.C.E., covered with engravings of vultures, scorpions, foxes, and decapitated people, who knows what was going on with it, but ever since humanity has been incurably religious. No surprise, Urfa (Edessa) has often been claimed to be Ur, home of Abraham, maybe the C-14 dating is wrong and this temple proves the Bible true, they're already cheering for 2012. Government and religion grew up side by side, and one tried to control the other, the princess and the frog, forever playing.

Yellow Emperor Scorpion King

Civilization started in the East way back around 3,000 B.C. with the Chinese Yellow Emperor (Huang-Di) and the Egyptian Scorpion King, and spread West, but went too far, turning people into insects with no individuality, causing government to become a threat not a blessing, an eternal problem that's still with us today and will be with us tomorrow. It was precisely the resistance of the Wild Wild West to enslavement by emperors and kings that defined it and still does, think King Lear and M*A*S*H, I feel like I'm special here, hi everybody, give me a seat at the table games.

About 2000 B.C.E. after the invention of the war chariot, the white-is-right Aryan Migration (Invasion) of Indo-Iranian Medes, Persians, Parthians, Bactrians, and Arachosians from S Russia through Afghanistan into the Iranian Plateau began (ends -850), while more Aryan tribes invaded N India, setting up a white supremacist religious civilization based on several kingdoms run by rajahs, and hierarchical social classes of priests, warriors, farmers, traders, and Dravidians (dark skinned non-Aryans). About 1500 B.C.E. the Aramaic-speaking Semitic Arameans (Aramaeans) began to migrate from the Arabian Peninsula to the N Fertile Crescent and Syria (ends -1200). I guess that proves that Arabs have a right to Palestine - not, since Jews and Arabs are kissing cousins, merely different Semitic tribes, who hardened into following different gods, different mountaintops, and whose claims to Israel (not Palestine - that name sucks) are based on their holy books as well as history, as we will see.

Code of Hammurabi, -1750

About 1750 B.C.E. the 282 Laws (Code) of Hammurabi are promulgated ( incl. an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and lopping off the hand of a son who strikes his father, regulating social and contractual relationships incl. slaves and sex), and carved onto a large index finger-shaped basalt stele, which is not rediscovered until 1901 C.E. Too bad, in the meantime the Bible appeared, claiming to be a unique revelation from God, even though it clearly plagiarized from Hammurabi's Code, adding to the growing movement to junk it for the alternate Creation story of the Darwinian Evolutionists and Cosmologists. The fact that the Quran blindly accepts the Bible Creation Story and even adds its own details throws it in a bad light with it, helping many Muslims to modernize and civiliza Islam and/or apostatize completely, although never enough to stop the rise of fundamentalist jihadist orgs. since the high birthrate generates legions of backward illiterates who accept the Quran at face value just by having selected passages read to them in a holy tone, after which the Internet allows the jihadists to spread agitprop worldwide to all who feel a religious calling to kill to save the sinking ship.

In the 18th cent. B.C.E. the Akkadian epic Atra-Hasis ("exceedingly wise") was written on three clay tables, containing an account of the Creation and a great deluge; it mentions a god with planning capacity called Alla (Ilaweila), who led a rebellion against chief god Enlil (Elil) and was slaughtered and his flesh and blood used to create humanity; a copy has been found, dated to Hammurabi's great-grandson Ammi-Saduqa (-1646 to -1626), and another was discovered in the 7th cent. B.C.E. Library of Ashurbanipal; some claim he might be the Muslim god Allah since the Akkadians originally lived in Arabia, but if it was that easy Islam wouldn't be such a survivor, sorry.

Egyptian Pharoah Akhenaten (d. -1334)

Religion naturally started out with worship of everything that moves, then everything that doesn't move, especially elaborate idols that let a professional priesthood live high on the frog, and finally the celestial bodies, too far away to reach and smash like an idol yet able to reach out and touch them, it must have been confusing like when teenies first discover sex and have to get around their parents. Finally Egyptian pharoah Akhenaten (Akhenaton) (d. -1334) (Amenhotep IV) cut to the chase and abandoned polytheism for monotheism, or at least a good approximation, there's no way I'm kissing a frog and being a bug on the same day, see any Walt Disney film. Of course, if you believe the Jewish Torah then the Jews invented it first, indeed, didn't invent it, were taught it, by their god Jehovah, who wouldn't let them have any other gods or they were outa there, and also created the Universe and was holy, meaning untouchable by anything he created, who were all forever too unclean even to see him without instant death, people don't listen, don't take things from strangers. Too bad, he chose the Jews as his people, and only revealed his Bible to them, leaving everybody else in utter darkness without a drop of his crackalackin' mamajama Creator think to give them a clue about how to deal with the Devil, who had a world monopoly on pagan gods and goddesses, who were really his demons in disguise, how can something so little do something so big. Even the Egyptians, who had monotheism were so clueless that they took the Sun as the chariot of God and thought that their pharoah was the Sun of, er, son of the Sun, which is the meaning of the name Rameses (Ra-Moses), and figured that since the Moon kills the Sun each night, which is then reborn, and the winter kills the summer each year, which is then reborn, worthy, especially godlike people should also be reborn or resurrected, but since they didn't know squat about science, they thought that resurrection required the dried husk to be preserved in a giant pyramid complete with food, clothes, weapons, tools and slaves, defacing Egypt while consuming humongous manpower that could have been used to advance science and technology, so that Egypt spun around in a hamster cage for millennia until Persia conquered it in 525 B.C.E. At least Egypt didn't have racism, that seems to have been invented later, partly fueled by a feeling that Egypt started its downward slide when it let blacks become pharaohs, but I'm digressing.


Did I mention Moses? The Bible claims he was an Egyptian prince who moled into the nobility even though he was really a Hebrew and was planted as an infant using the old floating reed basket trick, then decided to come out and show that Jehovah could kick any Egyptian god's ass with his hands tied behind his back and create a New World Order complete with the Ten Commandments and a whole new religion that requires males to have their foreskins sacrified to Jehovah, sounds gay but it's not, it was in place of their entire bodies, if you believe their version that is, maybe the Egyptians taught the Jews monotheism and circumcision too, and they made it all up, but I'm digressing again. Although Moses liberated his Hebrew nation from the Egyptians, they ended up wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years after being bad and creating a Golden Calf, and Moses died having never set foot in the Promised Land of Israel, after which the 200-to-400-year Period of the Judges followed, sex should be the last thing on your mind.

Ancient Middle East Map Arabia Felix Map King David of Israel Queen of Sheba King Solomon of Israel 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', 1981 The Ten Lost Tribes of Israel Donny Osmond (1957-) and Marie Osmond (1959-) Ken Jennings (1974-)

North Arabia was mainly madass tribal Arabs and civilization in the Arabian Peninsula was concentrated in the south, AKA Yemen, which ancient Greek geographer Ptolemy described as Arabia Felix (Happy Arabia), based around the city of Sana'a, which was allegedly founded at the foot of Djebel Nuqum at 7.2K ft. altitude by Noah's eldest son Shem (Hebrew for name, but also somebody's fame or essential reality, as in the Messiah's shem is Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, etc.), father of the Middle East's wonderful Semitic race, which is why they're called Semites, they're all hung up on who they is. The Hebrew word for Arab is 'rab, which means a rabble or mixed multitude, not pure like them Jews, maybe they'll never get that chip off their shoulders. Yemen had six straight civilizations between the 12th cent. B.C.E. and 6th cent. C.E., when Islam messed it up permanently, so that today the situation is reversed, and Yemen is full of madass tribal Arabs. The famous Queen of Sheba (Hebrew for promise or oath, coincidentally the name of King David's babe Bathsheba, whose name means daughter of promise) described in the Jewish Bible might have been from there, or from Axum in nearby Ethiopia, which is what the modern Ethiopians believe, their kings long claiming descent from Jewish #1 king Solomon (allegedly from the Hebrew word shalom for peace, although those in the know think it's really Sol-Om-On, the Sun, Moon, and Stars or Venus) through her when she visited Jerusalem once around 1000 B.C.E. and he knocked her up, he couldn't resist hot shebas, which would even have been more interesting if she were black, beats jail. The Ethiopian story is that he gave her a tour of his rich palace to wow her, then waited until she touched one of his treasures to jump her bones, telling her that gives him the right to touch her treasures, becoming the #1 Jewish pickup line. Allegedly Solomon at first disowned his half-breed son, then embraced him and sent him back with the Lost Ark of the Covenant from the Temple of Solomon (First Temple), built in 967 B.C.E. on Mount Moriah, AKA Mount Zion in Jerusalem, and dedicated to the Jews' god Jehovah, see the Steven Spielberg movie and see what a history ignoramus he is. The Yemeni Jewish community is one of the world's oldest, allegedly dating back to Solomon and Sheba, its men becoming known for wearing the payot, or sidecurls, which often reach to the upper arm, until recently that is, since Muslim persecution got so bad that they began leaving in the 19th cent., there was a massive evacuation to Israel in 1949-50, and the last few fled to the U.S. recently after the Yemeni govt. offered to house them in a ghetto for their "protection". Solomon was the son of King David ("beloved"), who ruled the kingdom of Israel from the Holy City of Jerusalem (Salem) ("peace") (same as Islam?) (Arabic "al-Quds" = the holy) (Yiddish "Yerushalayem" = teaching of peace), founded way back in 2300 B.C.E. or earlier by the Canaanite (Hittite?) (Hurrian?) (Amorite?) Jebusites (Shem and Eber, ancestors of Abraham?) on the ridge of the Judean Mts. between between the N edge of the Dead Sea and the Mediterranean Sea, on the Ophel ("fortified hill") above the Gihon Spring, which was originally surrounded by thick green forests of almond, olive and pine trees. Too bad, Solomon, the smartest and richest Jewish king of all time had one weakness, poontang, which got him in trouble with Jehovah, and after he died the kingdom of Israel agreed to disagree and split into the northern kingdom of Israel based in Samaria and the southern kingdom of Judah based in Jerusalem, and in 722 B.C.E. the Assyrians conquered the northern kingdom and sent the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel into captivity in Khorason in W Afghanistan and E Iran, after which it's anybody's guess where they went, ask Mormons Donny and Marie Osmond or trivia king Ken Jennings, could be the difference between life and death, chachacha. Only two tribes were left, Benjamin and Judah, the key line later resulting in Jesus Christ, proving that you know who was guiding the course of his-tory. The landless tribe of Levi that produced the Levites manning Jehovah's temple in Jerusalem was also saved, that's why we have Levi's Jeans today. Meanwhile since 1000 B.C. Jerusalem has been attacked 52 times, seized 23 times, captured 44 times, and destroyed twice, and the so-called Old City is only 0.35 sq. mi. (0.9 sq. km) in area, there are better things I call crap. After ending up divided with walls and fences from May 1948 to June 1967, some city of peace, it has turned out to be the #1 key peace-war city of the Western world, home of its major religions and the greatest ticking time bomb that can trigger a World War III, there's a wonderful place for your child.

Kamal Salibi (1929-2011)

Spoiler Alert: There are problems in the Old Testament when mentioning place names in Palestine, incl. wrong distances between towns, etc. In 1985 Protestant Lebanese scholar Kamal Suleiman Salibi (1929-2011) (student of Bernard Lewis) pub. The Bible Came from Arabia, which claims that ancient Palestine was really on the W Red Sea coast in Asir, producing extensive linguistic evidence that the Hebrew Bible was mistranslated by the Arabian Hebrews who migrated to Palestine and established the Hasmonean Kingdom in the 2nd cent. B.C.E., and that place names in the Bible don't match-up, but those in Asir do, pissing-off pro-Israeli historians, who give him short shrift, but don't disprove his allegations (until ?); meanwhile the govt. of Saudi Arabia freaks and bulldozes dozens of villages in the Sarawat Mts. which Salibi identifies with the Biblical Jordan Valley, shutting down tourism (until ?).

Herodotus (-484 to -425) Cadmus

The biggest breakthrough for both religion and civilization was the invention of writing, particularly the alphabet, which was invented around 1000 B.C.E. by the Semitic seafaring Phoenicians, who attributed it to the legendary figure Cadmus (Kadmos) ("from the east"), brother of the original European babe Europa, and founder of the Greek city of Thebes. Too bad, this date doesn't jive with the alleged date of the Books of Moses, but then ancient Greek Father of History Herodotus (-484 to -425) claimed that Cadmus lived around 2000 B.C.E., and since he lived closer to the event it can't be a coverup.

Nimrod Tower of Babel Nebuchandezzar II of Babylon (-634 to -562) Cyrus II the Great of Persia (-600 to -530) Nabonidus of Babylon Prophet Daniel in the Lion's Den Baal Astarte Nergal Shamash

Too bad, the well-lettered Jewish religion was a sick intolerant totalitarian theocratic cult that forced everybody to follow a zillion daily rules, actually the 613 Mitzvot (Commandments) (248 positive, 365 negative), with draconian punishments such as stoning for adultery or blasphemy, yet its Bible claimed to be written by the Creator of the Universe via some kind of Ouija Board transmission to special inspired writers, so no wonder that a movement to let everybody be a "spiritual Jew" that didn't have to obey all them rules, especially circumcision, eventually resulted in Christianity, which latched onto the Bible and inherited the holier-than-thou mentality of the Jews even while condemning real Jews for not keeping up with their new improved Savior Christ, I was shocked to be honest with you, whoa, that was my sister. Besides the Mitzvot, Judaism has the parallel Decalogue (Ten Commandments or Words) of Moses, which many if not most Christians adopt in some form, 1 finger means only one God, 2 means not two gods or an idol, 3 means don't take the name of God in vain as in God damn it, 4 means remember the Sabbath with 2 candles and 2 challah loaves, 5 means honor your parents or they'll give you a 5-finger slap on the rear, 6 looks like a pistol so don't murder, 7 is the 7th heaven bliss of fidelity sans adultery, 8 sideways looks like handcuffs so don't steal or you'll get arrested, 9 is a pistol turned upside down so don't bear false witness it's like shooting yourself, and 10 is your 10 fingers, don't covet and grab what's not yours. No surprise, after the Israelites kept falling away from worship of the true god Jehovah in favor of Baal, Astarte (Astharte) (Isthar), Nergal, Shamash (sun god) and other false gods, and after numerous prophets he sent to warn them to get right with him were rejected and usually killed, Jehovah sent the Babylonians under Nebuchadnezzar II (-634 to -562) ("Oh god Nabu, preserve and defend my firstborn son") to conquer Jerusalem in 587 B.C.E. (607 B.C.E. if you believe the Jehovah's Witnesses) and enslave the Jews, and cart them off to Babylon for 70 years in the Babylonian Captivity, which couldn't have been all bad with them Hanging Gardens and all, but they got all the false gods they could stomach, since the Babylonians had zillions of them, tracing back to Babylon's alleged founder Nimrod (great-grandson of Noah via Ham and Cush), the "mighty hunter of the people of the Lord", i.e., an enemy of Jehovah, who built the fabled Tower of Babel that pissed-off Jehovah so bad that he rewired all human brains from speaking the one true language of Adam and Eve into all the language groups we know today, not to mention all the false gods, although Big J sent prophet Daniel to keep the true believers happy, after which he figured he'd punished them enough and sent monotheist Zoroastrian Persian Cyrus II the Great (-600 to -530) to conquer Babylon on Oct. 7, 540 B.C.E. under their last king (-556 to -539) Nabonidus ("Nabu is praised") (who worshiped the Moon god Sin), then released the Jews so they could go back and set up shop again after rebuilding the temple, but without any king, since they were now a vassal state, Jehovah never forgets when you've been bad. Even though Cyrus didn't believe in Jehovah, he was a monotheist, and the Bible actually calls him the second Messiah ("anointed one") of the Jews after Moses, now I remember, there was a killing in Kansas City at the World's End Saloon, you were one of the boarders. By the way, Noah's son Shem was allegedly also the same as Melchizedek ("king of righteousness"), priest of Allah, er, El Elyon and king of Salem in Abraham's day before it was called Jerusalem, who killed Nimrod in battle and sent the pieces of his corpse to the far reaches of Nimrod's empire to show them that Big J was still boss, after which Nimrod's wife Queen Semiramis, mother of harlots got pregnant, claiming that dead Nimrod impregnated her from beyond the grave, which makes him a god in his own right, thanks for the memories. Nimrod also founded Assyria, which instead of being known for free sex, astrology and magic was known for cruelty, walking captured enemies around in cruel harnesses like dogs and flaying them alive, and other junk. Eventually Nimrod became the Sun god, and Semiramis the Moon god AKA Asteroth or Ashera the Queen of Heaven, later called Astarte or Ashtarte, packing a ton of underwear and a strapless gown. Her son Tammuz ("true son") was slain by a wild boar, and returns from the underworld each spring, I guess that the Devil created all this false religion as disinformation against the future arrival of You Know Who Starts With J, see the 2009 3-D flick Avatar and check back with me after you get your sight back. Speaking of the ancient Jewish religion being sick and intolerant, modern Jews forever celebrate Purim ("lots") to rejoice in their ancestors' slaughter of 75K Persians who had wanted to have them slaughtered first, as described in the Bible Book of Esther, the original Jews don't get mad they get even, although they took no spoils, you heard it first from Jehovah. Actually, it wasn't the first time. Long before that they systematically exterminated their enemies called the Amalekites, and finished the job by taking care of Haman the Amalekite in Esther, and ever after whenever they had a great enemy such as the Germans or Palestinians they claimed that they descended from the Amalekites although at the same time they were supposedly extinct. Three of the 613 Mitzvot explicitly refer to the Amalekites, the original Never Forget.

Darius I the Great (-549 to -486) Xerxes I the Great (-519 to -465) Solon the Wise (-638 to -558) Pericles (-495 to -429)

The Jews had the precious Bible, but were into theocracy as well as judges and kings, and the hairy edge of mankind's political future lay in blondeland Greece, where the tradition of the Wild Wild West of independence and individual worth was in the balance as horrible Zoroastrian Persian emperor (-522 to -486) Darius ("maintains possessions well") I the Great (-549 to -486) and his hordes of foot-kissing slaves tried to take it over, only to see why the West is the Best at the Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C.E.. When new horrible Zoroastrian Persian emperor (-485 to -465) Xerxes ("monarch") I the Great (-519 to -465) tried it again, he really got his clock cleaned at the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C.E., where a hastily-assembled force of 7K Greek freedom fighters stopped the entire million-man Persian army long enough for Greece to regroup and kick their butts out forever, which is why we like marathons. After groaning under super law-and-order lawgiver #1 Draco ("dragon") the Lawgiver (-659 to -601), who decreed the death penalty for stealing cabbages in 621 B.C.E., and who the Greeks finally threw out like a bum after 25 years of suffering in 594 B.C.E. for Solon ("wise") the Wise (-638 to -558), who maybe gave you 20 years of hard labor for it but was still strict as hell, just kidding, maybe not, a new era began for mankind when Pericles ("far-famed") (-495 to -429) founded the Age of Democracy, where each individual man was considered important enough to take their vote, as opposed to every other country's system where the monarch is a god on Earth whose word is law. And these blonde hung dudes never heard of the Bible or circumcision, and liked to go around in naked exercise areas called gymnasiums and let the women admire their brains, because they were polytheist pagans and proud of it, their gods were supermen with super physiques and super sexual appetites. Too bad, the Romans conquered Greece in 86 B.C.E., and turned the Greek brain men into house slaves who taught the crude militaristic Romans the finer things when they weren't out conquering and enslaving new territories. It took until the U.S. came along in 1776 C.E. to get all the theory right in the Declaration of Independence, namely, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator (definitely not Allah) with certain inalienable rights, among them being life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and that government derives its right to rule from the consent of the People with a capital P. And to be fair, it took until the late 20th century before women and minorities were included in the Allah-free democratic republics of Europe and the U.S., that's progress, too bad that Muslim countries still labor under retro 7th cent. theocratic Islam and its Run Its the Quran, which not only codifies male supremacy and slavery as divine law, but orders the destruction of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in the name of total submission to Allah, forever holding them back and making progress dangerous and iffy, run, the aliens are coming, but we'll get to that later.

Gautama Buddha (-563 to -483) Zoroaster (-658 to -583) Confucius (-551 to -479) Lao-Tzu (-604 to -470) Socrates (-469 to -399) Plato (-428 to -347) Aristotle (-384 to -322)

The 5th century B.C.E. starting in 500 B.C.E. was the Golden Age of Religion, when the major modern religions were all founded, even Judaism, when they returned to Jerusalem from the Babylonian Captivity, and Ezra ("helper") the Scribe allegedly "found" the Books of Moses and read them aloud to the people to help them remember their old religion, then started ending mixed marriages with Babylonians, using all them detailed genealogies to decide who's pure, which might mean the Bible was first cooked up about that time, unless you accept the backdating story going to Adam and Eve through Solomon, David, Moses and Abraham, who might just all be fairy tales, they had a lot of time to make it up in Babylon, land of a zillion gods, a ziggurat on every block, and mother of astrology, what's your sign. Major whiz kid blue ribbon best in class religion founders were Gautama Buddha ("enlightened one") (-563 to -483) of Nepal and India, Zoroaster (Zarathustra) (-660 to -583) (Zoroaster is Greek for undiluted stars, Zarathustra is Persian for camel driver) of Persia (6th cent. B.C.E., but actually nobody knows for sure), and Confucius (-551 to -479) (Chinese for Master Kong) and Lao Tzu (-604 to -470) (Chinese for old master, as in lived to 130) of China. Not that the Greeks didn't have their own myth-maxed religion based on the Mount Olympus thingie that went way way back, and the Egyptians and Hindus had theirs, do not drink alcohol while taking Rig Veda or you'll get man boobs. But these new religions lasted to modern times, and the race was on, it's not a business matter, it's a family obligation, how come you still have the same body you had in 6th grade, I'm gay not dead. The Greeks were blonde brain men, the original White is Right of the West, and preferred their philosophers, incl. #1 Socrates (-469 to -399), who refused to write anything down, and his disciple Plato (-428 to -347) (Greek for broad, as in he was a wrestler with broad shoulders before settling down and living for his mind), who did it for him and broke a zillion quills. Socrates was the father of Western atheism, which is what they made him drink hemlock for, while Plato was the father of Western theism, because he claimed to prove God's existence with pure reason, incl. the Trinity, which came back to haunt Christianity later, spend the next 25 years reading his corpus and check back with me Timaeus. Plato's student Aristotle ("best of all") (-384 to -322) became the teacher of Alexander the Great, straightforward is the way TD Greektrade does business.

Greco-Roman Gods Neptune Apollo 'Hercules in New York', 1970 'Jason and the Argonauts', 1963

All them cerebral monotheistic religions and Greek philosophies give me a headache. If it weren't so uncerebral, I'd prefer to go Outback with the great Greco-Roman Gods, incl. Zeus (Jupiter), Hera (Juno), Aphrodite (Venus), Ares (Mars), Hermes (Mercury), Hephaestus (Vulcan), Poseidon (Neptune), Athene (Minerva), Artemis (Diana), and cool Apollo, god of the Sun, music, archery, and prophecy. If only the gods were us, supermen and superwomen living up high somewhere with all our bad lusts and weaknesses, not afraid of nudity and able to have sex 24/7/365 sans fear of diseases, any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic (Arthur C. Clarke), call it the Star Trek Dream. Speaking of prophecy, the biggest difference between religion and philosophy, an attempt to establish divine authority by claiming a divine message has been communicated to a prophet, that's the game every religion plays, believe my prophet when he/she prophesies by uttering prophecies or bad things will happen on top of the good things you will get if you go for it. The difference is in how they want you to believe, voluntarily with or without evidence, or by force, call it Action Pak, a double feature every day and night, 24 hours of the Matrix, hey you got a call, I bring word from the Oracle, you must come at once.

Alexander III the Great (-356 to -323) Conquests of Alexander the Great (-356 to -323) Ptolemy I Soter of Egypt (-367 to -283) Cleopatra VII of Egypt (-69 to -30) Julius Caesar (-100 to -44)

Too bad, after conquering Palestine and the Holy Land (incl. Jerusalem, after which the Greeks ran it until the Romans took over, luring a number of Jewish men into the gay Greek lifestyle), Egypt, Persia, et al., blonde-blue hung Macedonian Greek Alexander (Gr. "defender of man") III the Great (-356 to -323) was allegedly planning conquer Arabia and give them a dose of them Greek gods when he suddenly took sick with malaria and died in Babylon at the tender age of 33, blowing the Western world's main chance, alas, bugs control history. Alexander's body was shipped encased in honey to the new city of Alexandria, Egypt, where his brainy general Ptolemy I Soter ("savior") (-367 to -283) set up shop as the new blonde Greek pharaoh, spawning a series of ever-degenerating inbred descendants ending with hot-to-trot Cleopatra ("father's glory") VII (-69 to -30), AKA Elizabeth Taylor, who was known for pussy-whipping the #1 (or #2 if you prefer Alexander) Western military hero of all time Julius ("child of Jove") Caesar ("hairy") (-100 to -44), AKA Rex Hairyson, er, Harrison, along with the magnificent Library of Alexandria, which might have actually been more of a legend than an actual building complex, but if so, a great one, giving the impression that the ancients had an Apollo Project going to promote learning and science, but only while they were pagan, with the Christians and later Muslims ruthlessly destroying it in order to foist the Dark Ages of Religion on us, hence vote for more federal funds for science and technology.

The Kaaba Kaaba Stone Kissing the Kaaba Stone

Meanwhile, although the Jews were united under a king since 1000 B.C.E., the wildass Arabs of the N were split into a bunch of feuding tribes, and there was no king of all of non-Yemen Arabia yet. Religiously, the Arabs were out in the boonies as polygamous polytheist pagans, worshiping 360 tribal gods, one for every day of the lunar year, centered in the holy tourist trap town of Mecca (Makkah) near the Red Sea, where at some unknown murky date around the time of Christ a big black meteorite fell from space, wowing them and causing them to enshrine it in the Big Black Cube, or, in Arabic, the Qaaba (Kaaba) (Kaabah) (Ka'bah) (Arab. "cube"), with the corners aligned to the compass points, the local tribes gathering once each year under truce to circle it seven times counterclockwise, the ultimate religious joy being to kiss the Black Stone (al-Hajaru i-Aswad) (allegedly set there by Muhammad in 605 C.E.), which is housed in the eastern corner and encased in a vulva-like projection, you got it, the yoni, they are really vagina worshipers. The transformation of Arabia into a Muslim state seems to be a coverup for the overthrow of an age-old Arabian matriarchy, could it be after influence by patriarchal Judaism?

Well of Zamzam Abraham (-2000) Cave of the Patriarchs Claudius Ptolemy of Alexandria (90-168)

Muhammad was born in Mecca in the Year of the Elephant (570 C.E.), where he grew up watching the locals fleece all them pagan polytheist tourists, who agreed to call an annual truce from their neverending Hatfield-McCoy feuds long enough to kiss the cube and drink the bitter water from the nearby (66 ft. to the east) Well of Zamzam (Ishmael) (Ishmail), where they renewed their strength along with their swarthy Ishmaelite complexions and madass Arab ways. Later on, the Muslims tried a coverup and claimed that Mecca was really founded way back around 2000 B.C.E. by none other than Father Abraham (Hebrew for father of a multitude of nations) of Ur in Babylonia, who allegedly set up the Kaaba with the help of his favorite son Isaac, er, Ishmael (Ishmail) (Hebrew for God listens), while teaching the local rubes monotheism, which was later turned back into polytheism by the bad Amalekites, although there is actually no archeological evidence for an ancient city of Mecca before Claudius Ptolemy (90-168) mentions Macoraba in the 2nd cent. C.E., sorry there, Omar Sharif. Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried in the Cave of the Patriarchs in Hebron, original capital of the Jews 20 mi. S of Jerusalem, which is now in the occupied West Bank and considered the 2nd most holy spot by Jews after the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, but also a top holy place by Muslims, who share it when not massacring each other or threatening to, and might be one of the flashpoints for Armageddon, damn that Muhammad brought peace to da world. The first 1929 Hebron Massacre was by Muslims on Aug. 23-24, 1929, who massacred 67 of the 800-member Jewish pop., causing the rest to flee until after the 1967 Six-Day War after a few tried returning unsuccessfully in 1931-9. The backatcha was the 1994 Cave of the Patriarchs Massacre on Feb. 25, 1994, when ultra-right Jewish settler Baruch Goldstein went on safari and killed 39-52 and wounded 100+ Muslim pilgrims, until he was beaten to death by the rest. Of course the Jews really originated in India, and Abraham is really Brahma, if you believe the 1836 book Anacalypsis by English Freemason Godfrey Higgins (1772-1833). And of course Hebrew and Arabic really derive from Greek, according to a 1982 book by English Jewish linguist Joseph Ezekiel Yahuda (1900-95), ain't history fun, who wants to take me out for a cracked pot of virgin pink daiquiris?

Hubal Jesus Christ (-4/-2 to 31/33?) Crucifixion Scene by Peter Paul Rubens (1577-1640), 1619-20 Year 1 Year One St. Paul (5-65)

The #1 Arab god was the Moon god Hubal, which was the #1 money-making racket of the Cool Cash, er, Quraysh (Quraish) (Koreish) ("shark") Tribe, which ruled Mecca. If you noticed that Hubal sounds suspiciously like Allah, you're right, get it? But these Moon worshipers who suffered from too much sun didn't live in a vacuum either. They had a big world about them that had long given up the Moon, the Sun, and other celestial objects. Since the 1st cent. C.E., religion and politics in the Western world was all about, not an astronomical object, but a man, Jesus Christ (-2/-4 to 31/33?), a Jewish descendant of Abraham (Hebrew for father of a multitude or many nations) on the good side of the Force, via his son Isaac (Hebrew for laughter) by his wife Sarah (Hebrew for princess), whose son by wife Rebekah (Hebrew for to tie) was Jacob (Hebrew for supplanter or held by the heel), the dude who wrestled with an angel, was held by the heel and renamed Israel, then went on to have son Judah (actually Yehuda) (Hebrew for to praise, as in praise God), who founded the praiseworthy tribe of the Jews. The religion Jesus Christ founded via a horrible crucifixion preached love and peace, along with nonviolent resistance to the Roman govt., with it being okay to pay taxes but not to work for the govt. or military, with the soundbyte "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's" (Matthew 22:21), promising believers eternal life in paradise with Christ if they keep their noses clean. The disturbing idea that a miracle man once walked the Earth like an Egyptian and healed the sick and lame and raised the dead, was executed like an accursed blasphemer and traitor then disappeared from his tomb despite a Roman guard, and wasn't a magician consorting with evil spirits but is really the one and only Christ, the only begotten son of God, the Creator of the Universe, and might even be God himself, and was resurrected from the dead and sits at the right hand of God, exposing the whole Earth as lying in the grip of the Devil but at the same time judged and awaiting destruction no matter what new trick he pulls was a shockeroo, easy to mock at first but eventually sinking in, it's us versus Da World, and causing conversions and lifetime loyalty, even without all them gratuitous angels. The day-by-day reality of fixing their minds on the horrible sufferings of their Savior and the total injustice of it along with his commands to be like him, not his persecutors tamed millions and gave them a conscience, transforming them inside, at least for awhile, I suppose anything can rub off with wear. The message of the Gospels and the New Testament was that everybody on Earth can get right with God and have resurrection to eternal life through accepting Jesus as his son, imagine, it's all settled, lay down your swords and love each other. Too bad, you also have to give up hate, envy, greed and all them other Seven Deadly Sins, and that turned out to not be so easy, starting with hatred of the Jews for betraying Jesus to the Romans, and hatred of the Romans for executing him, plus hatred by Jews of gentiles and having to associate with them, even as brothers in Christ, plus confusion about how much of the supposedly dead Jewish law was to be obeyed, like the Ten Commandments, or more, like prohibition of eating blood and the requirement of male circumcision, it's barbaric but unlike with women it's only a small percentage. Never mind the impossibility of figuring out who wrote the New Testament or when, it emerged from a cult that covered its tracks. Still, the message was very powerful because it was spread by peaceful methods in an empire where the mean pagan Romans had all the swords, money and power, but at least the Romans weren't trying to convert them back to paganism by the sword, so it was all 1-sided. Wrong, they did try, in several Christian persecutions, which always failed. After a person becomes Christianized and accepts the Gospel story and message, then undergoes baptism to signify rebirth as a new person, a literal voluntary slave of Christ, and begins to talk to him and get talked back to, he's a goner, and whether the story really happened or not, nobody can see back in time, you have to accept the literature on face value, it was a giant breakthrough in the history of mankind, teaching that each life has value and that God is good and just, not only just, let he who is sinless cast the first stone. For a Christian to be cruel and unjust triggers flashbacks to all his grief over what they did to Christ, like a mental dog collar, very powerful and effective for the masses, requiring those who try to throw it off to have to sell their souls to Satan and lie like hell, living under another mental straightjacket, move and countermove, like any all-out war, only this one's for everybody's soul. Eventually Christians even started time over with Year 1, Anno Domini, scrapping the old system of years since the founding of Rome in 753 B.C.E. for a new system based on the Year of their Lord, escape the pagan cold, and yes, many times a so-called Christian govt. got corrupted and went tyrannical, but always the little guy reading the Gospels in the trenches undermined it in the end, if they had access to the Gospels that is, because eventually the savvy Roman Catholic Church tried to limit access only to its priests, and burned people for owning one. At first the fact that the Christians appropriated the Jewish Hebrew-Aramaic Old Testament via the Greek Septuagint translation of 132 B.C.E. and added their own Greek New Testament allowed them to convert Jews and pagans alike, since Greek was the lingua franca of the Roman Empire. At first the polytheist pagan Romans, known for tolerance of all other religions, didn't bug them too much, until they refused to do the simple act of sacrificing to the emperor as a god like everybody else, which caused them to be treated as enemies of the state, forcing them totally underground. Meanwhile the Jews mainly rejected the new cult despite their literature (Gospels, etc.) that claimed to prove that their own Bible predicted his coming along with every detail of his life for centuries, causing the stiff-necked Jewish leaders (who got Jesus crucified by the Romans, stinking them both up) to promptly ban those writings along with the Greek Septuagint version of the Bible they themselves created because it bolstered the prophecy claims, and when their own chief Christian prosecutor Saul of Tarsus switched sides and became St. Paul (5-65), they soon got to the point where they didn't talk anymore, which only made it easier for the Christians to make converts among the gentiles (non-Jews), spreading throughout the empire on its own great roads and using the protection of its own military to keep safe, and winning the propaganda war using the latest knowledge technology of the Codex, the modern-day book format, replacing the lame scroll, a parallel data bus has a higher throughput and greater accessibility than a serial bus. Not that I buy that the Gospel stories are historical, or even that there was a real Jesus, but since the Christian cult came from somewhere, peddling its own unique literature, and took over the Roman Empire, giving them every chance to cover their tracks, we'll go with it for a quick lead-up to Islam. A Christian is a "little Christ", who wants everybody to be like Christ, even though that is impossible, he was perfect and worked miracles, but he was pretty much the opposite of the pagan Romans, and threw it in their faces, so it was quite dangerous to be one, gotta hand them that, and they didn't preach holy war and use violence to spread, they did it by preaching the Gospel message and by personal example, spreading empire-wide despite all them persecutions. So if I were the Devil, after losing most of my demon-worshiping Roman pagans and shoring up most of them stiff-necked Jews against that pesky Christ, I'd be thinking I needed to create a meaner leaner empire that is more intent on persecuting them pesky Christians, and has a powerful new cult to pressure them into that is designer-made to make them immune to the original Gospel message, that's where I screwed up, gotta go back to the original problemo, guess what it's called, starts with I Submit.

666 Holy Grotto of Patmos St. John the Apostle (1-100) St. Peter Being Crucified Upside Down

So Christianity got off to a slow start, like the marijuana legalization movement in the U.S., they mainly did it at night with the windows and doors closed and shades drawn, but after the efforts of a long line of Christian martyrs and saints, who meekly suffered horrible deaths for their faith it slowly took over the hearts and minds of the mean cruel Romans, call it the Devil's greatest setback. Special notice should be given to Jesus' specially-selected "rock of the church" disciple St. Peter (-1 to 67) (AKA Simon Peter or Cephas), who allegedly became the first Christian bishop of Rome and was crucified upside down at his own request, followed by St. John the Evangelist (1-100), the last of Jesus' Twelve Apostles to die after allegedly being given the Book of Revelation (Apocalypse) by an angel sent by Christ personally in the Holy Grotto of Patmos off the SW coast of Asia Minor (Turkey), foretelling the End of Days when Christ will return and destroy all of Satan's wicked minions in the Battle of Armageddon, and revealing in Rev. 13:16-18 that the Antichrist AKA the Beast will have the number 666 encoded in his name, and will fool many by posing as a prince of peace. The sign of Antichrist is given in 1 John 2:22: "Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is Antichrist that denieth the Father and the Son", the smell of gasoline and the rough roads. Too bad, the multitudes decided that it would be in a year ending in 66 or some multiple of 66 or 666 that either Christ would return to end the old world of Satan and begin his reign, or his archenemy the Antichrist would either be born or start his rise, bringing Christ to save the world, causing the phenomenon of Millennium Fever after too many of these false alarms caused the biggest hopes to be placed on the year 1000, after which they switched to 1000 plus permutations of 6, 66, and 666, even using month #6 June as one of the magic keys to the big date, even though it said name not date, and some ancient mss. have 616 not 666, which not coincidentally is all the Roman numerals in order MDCLXVI, oops, no M, that's reserved for the real Messiah. 616 spells "Neron Qesar". Call it a coincidence, but the Arabic Bismillah symbol for "In the name of Allah" (the one they put on headbands before going on jihad), consisting of the two letters A and La, plus crossed swords looks a lot like the Greek letters for 666 = Chi (600) + Xi (60) + Stigma (6), so maybe Rev. 13:18 was saying: "Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding reckon the multitude of the Beast: for it is the multitude of a man; and his multitude is 'In the name of Allah'".

Christians Thrown to the Lions Christians in the Arena Justin Martyr (100-65) Tatian the Assyrian (120-80) Roman Emperor Constantine I the Great (271-337) Polycarp of Smyrna (69-155) St. Irenaeus (125-203) Tertullian (160-220) Origen (182-253) Eusebius of Caesarea (260-340) St. Ambrose of Milan (337-97) St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430) St. Jerome (347-420)

Back to the Christian Church founders. St. John's disciple St. Polycarp (69-155) of Smyrna (Izmir), Turkey was also a key figure, followed by St. Justin the Martyr (100-165), then his pupil Tatian the Assyrian (120-180), who wrote the Diatessaron, a harmony of the One and Only Four Canonical Gospels, long before Evil Roman Emperor (306-37) Constantine (Gr. "steadfast") I (the Great) (Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantius) (271-337) allegedly suppressed the "real" gnostic gospels and made them the ones, sorry Dan Brown. Tatian was the first to declare that God created matter by the power of the Logos, with the soundbyte "The Logos, begotten in the beginning, begat in turn our world, having first created for himself the necessary matter." Next we might mention St. Irenaeus (125-203) of Gaul (France), North African Berber Tertullian (160-220) (who coined the term "Trinity"), Origen (182-253) of Alexandria, Egypt, Eusebius of Caesarea (260-340), and later St. Ambrose of Milan (337-97), North African Berber St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430), and St. Jerome (347-420) of Pannonia (Hungary).

Golden Arches Second Jewish Temple Jewish Priest Jewish Sacrifice Steak Chef Roman Emperor Augustus (-63 to 14) Roman Emperor Vespasian (9-79) Roman Emperor Titus (39-81) Roman Emperor Hadrian (76-138) Roman Colosseum Football Game

Not that the Jews were still a national entity. First the Jewish Maccabees ("hammers") booted the Greek Seleucids (ruled by descendants of another of Alexander's generals, who controlled the Holy Land, C Turkey, Mesopotamia, Persia, Turkmenistan, and parts of Pakistan) out of Israel in 164 B.C.E., only to be conquered in 63 B.C.E. by the pagan Romans, who let them practice their animal-sacrificing McDonald's Golden Arches religion long enough to lose their republican form of govt. to dictator emperor #1 (-27 to 14) Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus ("revered") (-63 to -14) (who founded a state religion where all had to worship him as a god) and let Guess Who Starts With J come and go, then got sick and tired of their sanctimonious holier-than-thou bullshit in the Jewish Revolt of 66 C.E. and closed in on them, the Roman army under future emperor #10 (79-81) Titus ("defender") Flavius Vespasianus (39-81), son of current emperor #9 (69-79) Vespasian (Titus Flavius Vespasianus Sr.) (9-79) (the Flavorful Anus Dynasty, known for their bi ways with their baby makers) wiping out Jerusalem in 70 C.E. after starving them out, killing all but 97K of 1.2M and taking the survivors away as slaves along with as much loot as they could find, using it and them to build their gym dandy Roman Colosseum (Flavian Amphitheater) in Rome where they had all their fundays watching sporting events with real blood not SFX, which is why their empire was #1 in the West, it had plenty of pro sports programming for the areligious booze-swigging masses. Too bad, some of the entertainment included watching pesky atheist traitor Christians being thrown to the lions. The fact that the Jewish Christians fled Jerusalem for the mountain fastness of Pella per Jesus' instructions when the Romans were about to finish them off made the Jews consider Christian Jews as traitors. After one last independence ocumemtnsattempt by the spoilsport Jews during the Bar Kochba (Kokhba) ("son of a star") Revolt in 132-136 C.E., the Romans under emperor #14 (117-138) Hadrian (76-138) permanently kicked them out of Israel, starting the Jewish Diaspora (Dispersion), then renamed it Palestine after the Phoenicians or Philistines to rub it in, thus planting the seeds of every world war to come until either the Wandering Jews give it up, are destroyed, or rule da World, oi vey, what was that about Jews not getting mad but getting even?

Roman Emperor Trajan (98-117) Petra Philip I the Arab (204-49) Roman Emperor Valerian I (193-260) Roman Emperor Gallienus (218-68) Shapur I (215-72) of Persia using Valerian I (213-60) as a footstool

Back to Arabia. Seizing on the death of Rabel II, in 106 C.E. Roman emperor (98-117) Trajan (Marcus Ulpius Nerva Traianus) (53-117) conquered the Arab Nabataeans, who controlled the borderland between Arabia and Syria from the Euphrates River to the Red Sea from their sandstone capital of Petra ("rock") in S Jordan (featured in the Steven Spielberg flick "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"), and made Nabataea a part of the new Roman province of Arabia Petraea (only the part N of the Red Sea), with capital at Busra (Bosra) in S Syria, which was renamed New Trajan Busra. The Nabataeans later helped develop the Arabic script. Was Petra the real Mecca, and 1.x billion modern Muslims have it all wrong? Their town of Mamshit shifted from trading to horse shit breeding. There were Arab Christians from the 200s onward, but not a lot, I guess it was a great sacrifice to give up polygamy for Christ and treat women like people. In 240 Eusebius of Caesarea mentioned an Arab Christian bishop named Beryllus in the sea of Bostra, who held a synod. Speaking of women, in 373 Mawiyaa became the first Christian Arab queen of the Tanukh tribe. There was even a part-Arab Roman emperor (244-9), Philip ("lover of horses") I the Arab (Marcus Julius Philippus) (204-49), who on Apr. 21, 248 lucked out and got to lead the celebrations of the 1000th birthday of Rome, founded in 753 B.C.E., which featured 1K gladiators fighting to the death, along with hundreds of exotic animals, which means he was a good ole mean cruel pagan sans beard and turban, call it multiculturalism. In 253 Roman emperor (253-60) Valerian I (193-260) made the fateful decision of splitting the Roman Empire into two halves, taking the East side and giving his son Gallienus (218-68) the chickenshit West, who ruled not from run-down Rome but from Treves. It was originally supposed to be a temporary thing so Valerian I could be free to deal with all them pesky German barbarian invaders, but ended up permanent after he fell out with his son then got his ass kicked bigtime by the Zoroastrian Persians in Edessa and used as a footstool by Persian emperor (241-72) Shapur I (215-72) before being executed and his skin stuffed with straw for display. Oh yes, the Zoroastrian Persians were back. In 224 they became a world power as the Sassanid (Sassanian) Empire, which lasted until 651, and ended up taking the stuffing out of the Christian Byzantines just at the wrong time, allowing the Arab Muslims to romp on them both and set up shop permanently, with the Jews as usual playing both sides against their middle to get back to the Holy Land and Big J again.

Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius (121-80) Roman Emperor Constantine I the Great of Rome (272-337) Roman Emperor Constantius II (317-61)

In 165-180 C.E. a big turning point in the pagan Roman Empire's fortunes was the Antonine Plague of either smallpox or measles, caused by soldiers who brought it back from a war with Parthia and Armenia, which killed 4M-7M incl. the last of the Five Good Emperors, Roman emperor (161-80) and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius (121-80), and decimated towns from Persia to the Rhine, after which "The ancient world never recovered from the blow inflicted on it by the plague which visited it in the reign of M. Aurelius." - Barthold Georg Niebuhr (1776-1831). At first the pagan Romans blamed it all on the pesky Christians, causing a new persecution, but they held up to it and were soon forgotten amid all the anarchy and chaos and external and internal threats, and the Roman pop. probably never could avoid the feeling that the pagan gods were not there when they needed them. To make a long story short, Christianity became the official religion of Rome starting with Roman emperor (306-37) Constantine I the Great (272-337), who in 313 proclaimed the Edict of Toleration in Milan, then set up Constantine Town, AKA Constantinople (he called it New Rome, enticing Romans to relocate from the Old Rome by shipping and reassembling their villas) on the Bosporus Strait leading to the Black Sea, and consecrated it to Christ on May 11, 330 C.E., founding several new super duper Christian churches with gold looted from pagan churches, incl. Hagia Sophia ("Holy Wisdom"). The city's longtime crescent symbol, of Diana, goddess of the hunt (Hecate, goddess of the crossroads?) was kept, with the star symbol added, making it harder to scope the Muslims' use of it, da Moon is da Moon and everybody has all night to worship it. Too bad, he restationed Roman troops to defend Constantinople rather than Rome, later dooming it, but at least the Byzantines definitely had their er, eyes on them pesky illegal pagan Arab aliens down south, while first needing to deal with the immediate problem of them even more pesky Germans coming down from the north, who ended up ripping the Roman Empire apart and killing the Western half entirely in 476 C.E., leaving only the eastern half based in Constantinople. Too bad, Constantine I the Great greatly detested the Jews, whose religion he called a bestial sect ("sect nefaria"), and his so-called Edict of Toleration restricted Jewish rights incl. the right to proselytize, and prohibited them from living in Jerusalem. In 337 his son, rabid Arian Christian emperor (337-61) Constantius II (317-61) promulgated a law making the marriage of a Jewish man to a Christian woman punishable by death, and in 339 upped it to making conversion to Judaism itself a criminal offence subject to confiscation of all their property, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

Arius (250-336) Athanasius (296-373) Roman Emperor Theodosius I the Great (347-95) St. Epiphanius of Salamis (310-403) St. Cyril of Alexandria (376-444) Nestorius (386-451)

Too bad, the Christians weren't satisfied with merely being legalized, but wanted to become the sole established state church, with its bishops on the govt. dole, which allowed the Roman establishment to systematically corrupt the Church from the top down, starting with the 318-bishop First Council of Nicaea in 325 C.E., which endorsed the age-old pagan doctrine of the Trinity championed by Alexandrian archdeacon Athanasius (296-373), despite clear lack of support in the Bible (dressed up in new clothes, with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit as coequal persons in one Godhead, with the fact that the Egyptians had Isis-Osiris-Horus etc. only proving to them that the Devil knew about the real Trinity all along and tried to spread disinformation), declaring the Arians, followers of Alexandrian Egyptian Berber bishop Arius (250-336) (who thought Christ was a created being, hence could never be equal to God, which offended most Christians, who always regarded Christ as a god of some kind even if they couldn't understand the subtleties of how there could only be one God yet he could begat, forget it, catch the new season of How I Met Your Mother on CBS) to be heretics, after which the bishops increasingly called on the state to cancel the Edict of Toleration and use its might to crush Christian heresy (often those who were Jesus' real believers like in the early days) and paganism alike, especially so they could confiscate pagan temples and use the gold to build Christian churches, causing the pagans to fight back, and both them and the Christians to tear the empire apart with a long civil war that ended with the accession of emperor Theodosius ("God's gift") I the Great (347-95) in 379, who on Feb. 27, 380 issued an Epistula on the Nicene Creed, declaring Nicene Creed "Catholic Christianity" as the only legal imperial religion, ending state support of paganism; all heretical variations of Christianity, esp. Arianism are to be punished as crimes against the state, reversing Constantine I the Great's 313 Edict of Toleration, and ending the theological debate by fiat; religious freedom and toleration became kaput in Europe for the next thousand years. In 383 Theodosius I began a campaign to root out Arianism in the Eastern Roman Empire, passing laws forbidding Arian meetings; by 384 Arianism as a force was kaput, with only scattered pockets remaining, which didn't stop them from sending missionaries across the Rhine and Danube to convert the Germans; from now on every Roman emperor automatically takes the side of the pope against schismatics or heretics, which ultimately backfires as they welcome the Muslims as liberators. Of course, by this point the remaining pagans all found it easy to convert to Catholicism, it's name doesn't mean universal for nothing, because Catholicism reached out to them by incorporating pagan holidays and gods under laundered names, not to mention pagan doctrines. This only exposed the stiff-necked Jews as incorrigible holdouts, causing the Romans to tighten the screws. Hence, Christianity didn't invent the idea of convert-or-die, it invented the need for church-state separation, which took until Dec. 15, 1791, when the U.S. Bill of Rights was ratified after a huge complex struggle to free Westerners from the grip of the Church while still allowing anybody to be a member of that or any other Christian denomination, even to be an unrepentant gag, Jew. During God's Gift I's reign, concern for the increasing number of Greek-speaking Christian churches caused Latin to be adopted as the official language for the Roman Catholic Mass, whose name comes from the words "Ite, missa est" with which the priest dismisses the congregation. To throw a er, bone to the new Christians who were still pagan underneath, the doctrine of the perpetual virginity of Mary became such a rage that Tertullian's old writings of 208 that dissed it got mashed, and pesky references in the Gospels to the "brethren" of Jesus (1 Cor. 9:5, Gal. 1:19, Mark 6:3, Mt. 13:55) were no longer interpreted to refer to later sons of Mary by Joseph. Instead bishop St. Epiphanius (310-403) of Salamis in Cyprus (author of the Panarion or Medicine Chest Against All Heresies) proposed the more PC theory that they are sons of Joseph by a former marriage, and Jerome later proposed the even safer theory that they are sons of Alpheus, the husband of Mary's sister, and hence only Jesus' cousins, and in 431 at the instigation of Alexandrian patriarch St. Cyril ("lordly") (376-444), the First Council of Ephesus declared heretical the doctrines of Nestorianism, by Syrian-born Constantinople archbishop (428-431) Nestorius (386-451) for refusal to call sinless-born Virgin Isis, er, Mary the Mother of God, only the Mother of Christ, causing him to be deposed and the Assyrian Church of the East to split and go its own way. If I were a Jew I'd be puking chunks as the supposedly monotheist Christians first promoted Christ then his mother to gods, and had the gall to call me nuts. Speaking of Jews, after becoming the established religion, Christendom showed a mean streak of intolerance for the Jews, with St. Ambrose of Milan (337-97) advocating a convert-or-die policy, until St. Augustine of Hippo (354-430) came up with the "lovely brainwave" (Moses Mendelssohn's words) that they should be allowed to live and stay Jews, but be kept down as a wandering "witness people" that would serve as proof of what happens to those who reject Christ and his salvation, and hence must be kept from returning to Jerusalem and setting up their capital there as a matter of theology - clean makeup, easy breezy beautiful?

Roman Emperor Honorius (384-423) Roman Gen. Flavius Stilicho (359-408) St. Telemachus Sack of Rome, 410 The Visigoths Alaric I of the Visigoths (370-410) Conan the Barbarian Genseric of the Vandals (389-477) The Vandals The Vandals The Vandals The Vandals Vandals Map Muammar Al-Gaddafi of Libya (1942-)

By 400 the Western Roman Empire began to turn into a bunch of wusses as it officially became for PC Trinitarian Christians only. On Jan. 1, 404 after Christian Trinitarian Roman emperor (395-423) Honorius (384-423) (son of Theodosius I) and half-Vandal Christian Trinitarian Roman gen. Flavius Stilicho (359-408) celebrated a triumph in Rome for defeating the pesky German Arian heretic Visigoths under king (395-410) Alaric ("ruler of all") I (370-410) (the 4th in the last hundred years), and an arch was erected claiming the total destruction of the Gothic nation, which they claimed would never rise again, Honorius spent several mo. in Rome trying to make everybody feel good again by visiting the Christian clergy on the one hand and attending the Dec. games on the other, which featured not only chariot races but wild beast hunts and a military dance along with gladiator fights, go, pagan guys, go. Too bad, they were interrupted by Christian poet Aurelius Prudentius Clemens, who gave a speech denouncing them, followed by Asian monk St. Telemachus (a myth?) rushing into the arena to tell them to make somebody stop the fight and being stoned to death by angry spectators, causing whimpy Honorius to pass laws prohibiting human sacrifices. Realist grumblers accurately predicted that the martial spirit of the Romans, their obliviousness to the sight of blood and their contempt of death would evaporate, making them easy prey for the bloody barbarians. Too bad, the big V the Romans were celebrating was the Apr. 6, 402 Battle of Pollentia in modern-day Pollenza near Asti on the left bank of the Tanaro River in the Alps pocket WNW of Genoa (25 mi. SE of Turin), which they won by surprise-attacking the Goths while celebrating Easter Sunday, getting around the sacrilege by having the Roman cavalry charge be led by pagan barbarian (Alanii) Gen. Saul, although it almost backfired when the pissed-off Goths thought God would help them win, and made them determined to get revenge. In 405 Stilicho ordered the destruction of the Sibylline Books when he didn't like their prophesies of doom, while Jerome finished the Vulgate, the first Latin trans. of the Bible, and Pope Innocent I issued the first Index Prohibitorum (list of prohibited books), and served notice on all remaining pagan libraries that everything they've got was on the list. Meanwhile the Christian infiltration of the govt. caused the institution of slavery to become more and more kaput as the clergy created an escape clause by prohibiting the enslavement of Christians, so of course every slave wanted to convert as soon as the bath water could be run. For awhile at least, the great dream had arrived, and Rome was evolving toward a Christian paradise on Earth, the New Jerusalem, right? Wrong. Actually, the numerous Arians and closet pagans began to think it wasn't worth fighting for anymore, refusing to pay taxes or join the Roman military, and just defended their home areas, causing the empire to come unglued. No surprise, the entire house was rocked when the Visigoths under Alaric I took advantage of the execution of Stilicho in 408 by Arcadius through jealousy, and returned and romped through Italy and sacked Rome on Aug. 24-27, 410 (first time since the Celtic Gauls in 387 B.C.E.), call it the original 9/11, being Christians albeit Arian heretics they spared the churches, spurring St. Augustine to publish his 22-vol. Latin bestseller The City of God, a new interpretation of St. John's Revelation that the heavenly New Jerusalem should be their goal rather than an earthly one, causing Christians themselves to become ambivalent about defending the empire from barbarian attacks as long as they had their reservations in heaven secured, and a lot of them to turn into monks and nuns and hole-up in monasteries and nunneries - this after a century spent in bitter civil wars to get everybody on the same team, which only made the impact greater, go ask Edward Gibbon about it. If only they had kept church and state separate and retained the Edict of Toleration so that pagans and heretics could continue to feel like they had something to fight for - alas, the Western empire's days were numbered because of their own narrow-minded intolerance. Meanwhile the Germanic Arian Vandals from modern-day Poland invaded Gaul over the Rhine River on Dec. 31, 406, and in 409 they ended up in the Iberian Peninsula (Spain), giving their name to the region of Vandalusia, er, Andalusia in S Spain, causing the Romans to invite the Visigoths to invade Spain in 418 to kick their butts, and in 429 after deciding to illegally immigrate to North Africa under king (428-77) Genseric (Gaiseric) (389-477) ("spear king"), killing St. Augustine in the African town of Hippo, then taking Carthage, they were welcomed as liberators from the slave-master Romans and taught to sail ships, turning them into seafaring pirates who loved to vandalize Roman cities. That's right, blondes used to be Barbary pirates. There must have been some kinky interracial sex too, ask Muammar al-Gaddafi. As a reward, the Romans let the Visigoths have land in S Gaul to set up their own kingdom, which ended up becoming their biggest mistake.

Byzantine Emperor Theodosius II (401-50) St. Pulcheria (399-453) Byzantine Empress Aelia Eudocia (401-60)

As the West was groaning under barbarian incursions, the East was humming along like busy buzzing bees. Byzantine emperor (408-50) Theodosius II "the Calligrapher" (401-50) became emperor of the East in 408, being crowned as a boy but then growing up and promulgating the Theodosian Law Code (Codex Theodosianus) in 438, a collection of Roman laws issued since 312, formally separating the Eastern and Western Roman Empires, and adopted by the West side in 439. Section XVI.i.2 made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire, and declared all other religions illegal. He also built the Theodosian Walls around Constantinople, either double or triple depending on whom you talk to, but totally impregnable and never taken, even in 1453 (they broke through an unguarded gateway). Too bad, in 425 after his intolerant lifetime virgin sister Pulcheria ("beautiful") (399-453) (who acted as his regent from 408-16, and controlled him ever since) put him up to it for authorizing new synagogues to be built and adjudicating disputes between Jews and Christians, T2 ordered the execution of Jewish physician and Nasi (Hebrew for prince) (since 400) Gamaliel ("recompense of God") VI, who became the last Nasi of the Jewish Sanhedrin, abolishing his office in 429, and causing the House of Hillel (Hebrew for greatly praised) to become extinct, along with the Semicha, the tradition of judicial authority in an unbroken line from Moses. Yes, the original Nazis were Jews, but the Christians acted like Nazis towards them, and you know what that brings, no you don't, but it won't be Christian forgiveness :) One bright spot, T2's wife Aelia Eudocia (401-60) (daughter of a pagan father) allowed the Jews to return to Jerusalem in 438, the same year he promulgated his Theodosian Code. After this Jews began emigrating from Palestine, settling in Mesopotamia and Persia, where they still practiced polygamy incl. the practice of temporary wives while traveling; some famous Jewish scholars in Iraq grew wealthy brewing beer; some emigrated to Arabia, settling in Khaybar and Yathrib (Medina), as well as Abyssinia, becoming half the pop. by 315; others risked Constantinople; the Jews bring agriculture to madass Arabia, growing wealthy and making the Arabs jealous.

Byzantine Emperor Marcian (396-457) Attila the Hun (406-53) Sack of Rome, 455 Kirk and Spock Planet of the Apes

But I'm trying to scope the history of Islam, so I better get back to the subject. About the time of Constantine the Great, nearby Ethiopia (actually it was called Abyssinia back then), right across the narrow Red Sea from Arabia (the east coast of Ethiopia was called Punt, as in you could punt a football across it) converted to Christianity, and tried to come in from the sidelines with and without Byzantine help for centuries, which only pissed-off them proud bedouins more, making them harder to persuade except by the sword, since they didn't have Contract Bridge yet, sorry there again, Omar Sharif. Too bad, while Attila the Hun was busy wasting the Western Roman Empire, on Oct. 8-Nov. 1, 451 the Council of Chalcedon (Fourth Ecumenical Council) of 500 bishops in Chalcedon across from Constantinople, called by Emperor Marcian and presided over by the patriarch of Constantinople accepts Pope Leo I's interpretation of the Trinity, and promulgates the doctrine of Mariolatry (worship of the Virgin Mary), causing a split between the Syriac Orthodox Church of Antioch, Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria, and later the Armenian Apostolic Church on one hand, and the Latin Roman and Greek Byzantine Churches on the other over the life-death matter of whether Christ, who was both God and man, had one composite incarnate nature "from two" natures, human and divine, now known as the Orthodox doctrine, or was "in two natures", known as the Monophysite ("single nature") doctrine, with Christ's human nature "dissolved like a drop of honey in the sea" in his divine nature, and thus had a divine soul or mind combined with a human body; the emperor sides against the Monophysites, and the council affirms the power-drive formula that Jesus had two natures, and was/is truly God and truly man simultaneously, but without mixture (alteration, absorption or confusion) of the two, and declares the 449 Second Council of Ephesus a "robber synod" and annuls its proceedings, causing the persecution of Monophysite churches in Egypt and Syria to begin, which ends up adding to the permanent split between the Eastern and Western empires, although for the time being the council grants the See of Constantinople the same privileges of honor as the See of Rome, with the primacy going to the Roman See; Armenian abbot (St.) Euthymius the Great (377-473) of Palestine is instrumental in getting the eastern monks to accept the council's decrees. You might say the Big Bang Theory of how God made Christ in Mary's womb by making him both human and divine at the beginning won over the Darwinian Theory that Christ started out as a human egg in Mary's womb and then was instantly evolved by God into divine somehow, with Christ's human nature dissolving like a drop of honey in the sea in his divine nature, or that he had a human body but divine soul or mind, call it the Creation theory, er, forget it, at least Dan Brown knows that Christ was just a man and it was all a plot by Constantine, who must have backdated the resurrection from the dead and sitting at the right hand of God part. Of course the Jews were kibbutzing on the side that the putz never was resurrected and is in Hell, and no man can be God, and he's just a cursed blasphemer, yada yada yada, maybe it's time to finally get even with the entire Christian outfit with an Antichrist they can put together in their spare time in the back of their kosher meat shops. Behind this institutional split was actually the age-old Greek vs. Roman thingie, as in Greeks are brainier and more logical but Romans are more practical plus command an army and have made the Greeks into their house tutors, kind of like Spock vs. Captain Kirk in Star Trek. Too bad, spoilsport Marcian let it go to his head that the Romans think they're holier than the Byzantines and their Roman top bishop is higher than their Greek top bishop, and refused to help the Western Roman Empire when it was being torn apart by the mounted hordes of mean 3.5 ft. midget Attila the Hun (406-53) in 451-2, and the Germanic Vandals of North Africa in 455, who sacked Rome, contributing to its fall to the Arian heretic Visigoths in 476, who already had split off Spain and Gaul, and now had three little kingies taking the place of one big emperor, leaving the pope surrounded by a sea of armed barbarian heretics like in the Planet of the Apes.

Odoacer of Italy (435-93) Byzantine Emperor Zeno (426-91) Theodoric the Great of Italy (454-526) Emperor Justinian I the Great (483-565) Christ Pantocrator King Clovis I of France (466-511)

After Rome fell in the fall, er, late summer on Sept. 4, 476 C.E. to Visigoth chieftain Odoacer (Odovacer) (435-93), checkmate, Byzantine emperor (474-91) Zeno (426-91), from the wild area of the Taurus Mts. in Turkey called Isauria, who refused to help his Western Roman brothers in order to make Odoacer his patrician (so he could claim rule of both sides) got double-crossed, and after Odoacer claimed to be king of Italy he talked Ostrogoth king Theodoric ("people's king") the Great (454-526) into invading Italy, killing him and taking over in 493, freaking the pope and his Latin crowd out with yet another Arian regime. He proved a fairly good ruler although he never took steps to megamerge the two pops. into a thriving nation, and when he died the remaining educated Latins got trampled in the succession struggle, and the Western Roman Empire was permanently out of sight and mind, after which Constantinople ruled the Roman Empire (which is what they called it, although we now call it the Byzantine Empire since the original Greek name of Constantinople was Byzantium), unsuccessfully trying to take the Western side back from the Goths, only to see new German tribes such as the Lombards (Longbeards) move into N Italy, leaving them with the S part, with a dead zone in the middle that was depopulated by all the wars, plagues and famines, ruled by the pope as the Papal States. The top Byzantine emperor (527-65) after that was Justinian I the Great (483-565), who was doing just great until the Plague of Justinian (bubonic plague) hit in 541-2, causing the empire to go into a permanent decline because it kept returning every generation until around 750. What did I say about bugs controlling history? Good time for a new world mental plague to go with it? Not a natural one, but one cooked up in a lab? I wonder who was waiting for their big chance to get even, starts with J? In 529-34 the Justinian Code was issued, making life hard for pagans and Jews, while continuing the systematic condemnation of slavery. Of course, when Islam arrived, it did a land office business reenslaving Christians. Meanwhile in Gaul, Clovis I (466-511) became king of the pagan Franks ("freemen") in 481, and converted to Roman Catholicism along with his subjects in 496, becoming the first German group that didn't go for Arianism, kicking the Visigoths out in 507 and turning Gaul into I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter France, which became the pope's main hot dog military arm for centuries, going to their heads and causing them to consider their language and culture to be superior to the other Germans, which they helped along by developing that frog talk now known as French, which is why so many kings wanted to be called Louis (loo-ee), that's frog talk for Clovis. Later, after their Visigoth German cousins in Spain got their ass kicked by the Muslims, they stood firm and threw them back over the Pyrenees, making them even more superior don't say hot dogs or wieners, how about raw oysters and baguettes with brie, culiminating in the 20th cent. with Charles de Gaulle, who lamented that he couldn't impose unity on a country with 265 different kinds of cheese.

Mel Gibson (1956-) Boris Karloff as Frankenstein

Did I mention the Jews? You see, there were a lot of Jews in Arabia back then. Why? Because after all the centuries of Christian hate, discrimination and persecution, this was one of the best places to hide out from them. I know, I know, Roman Catholic Aussie Hollyweird "Mad Max", "Lethal Weapon", "The Passion of the Christ" actor-director Mel Gibson (1956-) pissed a lot of Jews off with his drunken assertion in 2006 that Jews caused all the wars, but in Muhammad's case it's undeniable, and here's why: they created this Frankenstein.

Kingdom of Himyar King Yusuf Dhu Nuwas of Saba (-525) King Kaleb of Axum Byzantine Emperor Justin I (450-527) T2 Liquid Metal Man

To back up a bit, devout Muslims who believe every word of the Quran is direct from God don't want you to know that Arabia had a history before it, but not only did they have some, they had their first Hitler, and he was a gag, Jew. About 115 B.C.E. the flourishing Himyarite (Homerite) tribe of Yemen began conquering all of S Arabia, moving the capital from Ma'rib to Zafar ("victory") (Redan) by 270 C.E., followed in 537 C.E. by Sana'a; sometime before 522 C.E. the last Yemenite king of Himyar (Homer) visited the oasis in Yathrib (Medina), and they killed his son, pissing him off and causing him to threaten to massacre the pop. and worse, cut down their palms, until two rabbis from the Jewish Banu Qurayza tribe came out and warned him that the town will one day be the home of the prophet of the Arab Quraysh tribe, converting him to Judaism, after which the rabbis did miracles in front of the Yemenis, converting them too; for some strange reason the rabbis recognizze the Qaaba as built by Abraham, advising the Yemenis to circle it with shaved heads?; in 25 B.C.E. the Himyarites conquered neighboring Saba' (Sheba), followed in 200 C.E. by Qataban, in 280 C.E. by the Sabaeans, and in 300 C.E. by Hadramaut - sounds like Muslim fake history backdated after their takeover? In 522 C.E. the Jewish Himyarites of the did-I-say Kingdom of Saba (Himyar) in S Arabia (Yemen) (founded 110 B.C.E.) (who lived in a land swarming with Arab polytheist pagans, but at least were fairly safe from the horrible Jewish-persecuting Byzantine and Roman Christians) under king (518-25) Yusuf Dhu Nuwas (Nawas) (-525) (a converted Arab) began a campaign to convert Coptic Christians to Judaism by force to get even for their persecution of Jews, massacring the Christian pop. of the Himyarite capital of Zafar ("victory") in the Yemeni highlands 80 mi. SSE of Sana'a, and burning their churches, destroying other Christian fortresses in the highlands, I love the smell of napalm in the morning, it smells like victory, then going after the Arab Christian oasis of Najran in SW Arabia near the Yemeni frontier (which converted to Christianity around 300-400 C.E., first foothold of Christianity in S Arabia) and massacring its 20K pop., then writing letters to the kings of Iraq and Persia encouraging them to do ditto, which Byzantine emperor (518-27) Justin I (450-527) found out about, causing him to help Coptic Christian king Kaleb (Caleb) (Ella Atbeha) (Hellestheaeus) (St. Elesban) of Axum on the other side of the Red Sea in Abyssinia (Ethiopia) to come to their aid. In 523 after defeating the Christian invaders, Dhu Wah Diddy ordered them to give up that Christ crap and become Jews, and after they refused, he had them thrown alive into a burning ditch, something even the Quran can't cover up, referring to them as "The cursed people of the ditch" (Sura 85:4). The news pissed-off Byzantine Not Just in Time I, who declared war on the kingdom of Saba and sent a fleet with 70K Christian Abyssinians to help the Axumites, who kicked their butts in 525, after which the Himyarites were assimilated into the N Arabian tribes, and Abyssinian leader Eriat became ruler of Yemen, after which the Persians ended Axumite rule in Yemen around 575 by helping the remaining Himyarites throw them out then taking over. So you see, the idea of convert-or-die started with the Heinrich Himmlerite Jews of Yemen, not the Muslims or Christians, pretty easy call for any official on the football field of Time, but it was an Arab League game, and you know what sore losers Arabs are. So, if Duey Huey Louie was a converted Arab Terminator who was stopped because his army was too small, why wouldn't these Arab ex-Jews and/or their original Jewish handlers set out to create a T2 that would have a much bigger army of Arabs and finish off all Christians and other non-Jews, er, Muslims in Byzantium, Iraq, Persia, even New York City, it's possible, even probable, no certain, Muhammad was the original Liquid Metal Man, with no face, no body, he's every Arab, with a Mission: Impossible to inscribe in their minds.

St. Hilary of Poitiers (300-68) St. Ephrem the Syrian (306-73) St. John Chrysostom (347-407) Hypatia (370-415)

Christianity sucks, quitting Christianity sucks even less with Nicorette? Did I mention that Jews never got along with Romans before, during or after they went Christian, so no wonder they wanted to get away from them, and who can blame them if they set up a secret pardon the expression Apollo Project to create their worst nightmare, and only wanted to return to Christian Rome, East or West, behind an army of Christian-killers with bulletproof brains? The 325 Council of Nicaea separated the celebration of Easter from the Jewish Passover, with the soundbyte "For it is unbecoming beyond measure that on this holiest of festivals we should follow the customs of the Jews. Henceforth let us have nothing in common with this odious people... We ought not, therefore, to have anything in common with the Jews... We desire our dearest brethren to separate ourselves from the detestable company of the you know whats. How, then, could we follow these Jews, who are almost certainly blinded." In 343-81 the Synod of Laodicea approved Canon 38: "It is not lawful to receive unleavened bread from the Jews, nor to be partakers of their impiety." St. Hilary of Poitiers (300-68) ("Hammer of the Arians") referred to Jews as a perverse people whom God has cursed for evah and evah. St. Ephrem the Syrian (306-73) (author of over 400 hymns) referred to synagogues as brothels, sing it, brother. St. John Chrysostom (347-407) called the Jews "inveterate murderers, destroyers, men possessed by the Devil", adding "Debauchery and drunkenness have given them the manners of pigs and lusty goats. They know only one thing, to satisfy their gullets, get drunk, to kill and maim one another. They murder their offspring and burn them to the Devil... The Jewish disease must be guarded against. The Christian's duty is to hate the Jews." Taking his great advice, Byzantine emperor (379-95) Theodosius I the Great permitted the destruction of Jewish synagogues if it served a religious purpose - if? In 380 Bishop St. Ambrose of Milan ordered the burning of a synagogue, calling it "an act pleasing to God." In 415 Bishop St. Cyril expelled the Jews from Alexandria, while St. Augustine explained "The true image of the Hebrew is Judas Iscariot, who sells the Lord for silver. The Jew can never understand the Scriptures and forever will bear the guilt for the death of Jesus." When Platonic pagan brain babe Hypatia (370-415), head of the Library of Alexandria and best hope of the world at that time complained about what they were doing to Jews and pagans alike, a Christian mob of monks scraped off her skin with sharpened oyster shells and set her on fire until she shut up permanently, which incidentally later gave them ideas about what to do with so-called witches. In 418 St. Jerome (creator of the Latin Vulgate translation of the Bible, no Hebrew or Greek allowed) wrote of a synagogue: "If you call it a brothel, a den of vice, the Devil's refuge, Satan's fortress, a place to deprave the soul, an abyss of every conceivable disaster or whatever you will, you are still saying less than it deserves." Later, between 489 and 519 Christian mobs had a free hand, destroying the synagogues in Antioch, nearby Daphne, and Ravenna, Italy.

Of course, Jews have never been a monolithic bloc, but just in case, in 529 Justinian I not only closed the Neo-Platonic Academy at Athens, plunging the Christian world into the original Microsoft Windows Dark Ages, but passed a law ordering the synagogues of the other Jewish white meat Samaritans centered in Neapolis, Palestine destroyed, and took away their rights to bequeath property, causing them to revolt in the summer, only to be summarily crushed, after which their leader Julian's head was sent to the emperor, and the 20K remaining Samaritan rebels were sold into slavery.

Abraha of Yemen (-554)

So, to make a long story short, in 570 C.E., the year of Muhammad's birth, Mucca, er, Mecca was invaded by Abraha (Abreha) ('Abraha al-Ashram) (Abraha bin as-Saba'h) of Yemen (-554) (Eriat's successor, who assassinated him, this could be your lucky day), who built the 80m x 25m Al-Qulays (al-Qalis) Cathedral (Arabic for ecclesia or church) in Sana'a to rival the Kaaba, which he wanted to destroy in order to turn all that cash to his till, arriving with a train of elephants and an African Ethiopian Christian army to kick pagan ass for Christ one mo' time and come in the for the kill. Too bad, Abraha was repulsed from the walls after allegedly being pelted by showers of stones dropped by birds, probably really smallpox.

Farfour - Mickey Mohammed? Serbian heads severed by Muslims Edward Gibbon (1737-94)

Shazam, 2 mo. (55 days) later, look what the storks brought in. On the 12th day of Raby' I (Apr. 26, 570?), the world was dis, er, graced, no, disgraced bigtime by the birth of Kutam (Khatam) (Kid Tommy?), later known as shazam, 55 days later (12th day of Raby' I) (Apr. 26?) the world is dis, er, graced by the birth of Kutam (Khatam) (Kid Tommy?), later known as Muhammad (Mohammad) (Mohammed) (Mahomet) (Arab. "Praiseworthy One") (d. 632), son of Abdallah (Abdullah) (who dies almost 6 mo. before his birth), renamed by his grandfather Abdul Motalleb (Abd al-Muttalib) (Abd al-Muttalib) (497-578), the defender of Mecca, whose father Amr (Arab. "ruler") Hashim (Arab. "pulverizer of evil") ibn Abd al-Manaf (Hashem Ben Abd Manaf) (-497) (nicknamed Hashim because he gives pilgrims to Mecca free broth with pulverized bread in it) was founder of the Banu Hashim clan, and the first to equip camel trade caravans and make the town a trade center, with a special edict from the Ethiopian and Byzantine emperors exempting them from duties or taxes; "[Muhammad,] the only son of Abdallah and Amina, was born at Mecca, four years after the death of Justinian, and two months after the defeat of the Abyssinians, whose victory would have introduced into the Caaba the religion of the Christians" - (Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Ch. 50); born into a prosperous merchant clan, he is of the Mecca-based mercantile Arab tribe of Quraysh (Koreish) and the clan of Hashem, which claims lineal descent from Abraham's son Ishmail (Ishmael) by Abraham's wife Sarah's Egyptian slave girl Hagar (Heb. "forsaken"); "He will be a wild ass of a man, his hand against every man and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen" (Gen. 16:12); Muhammad's pagan great-great-great-grandfather Qusayy (Kusayy) (Qusai) (Cossai) ibn Kilab ibn Murrah (400-80) married Hubba, daughter of Hulayl, ruler of Mecca, then took over the Kaaba by force, which the Muslims later tried to coverup by claiming he purchased it for a skin of wine and a lute; another coverrup attempt is the Muslim claim that Qusayy's enemies suddenly were plagued by an outbreak of pustules and ran for it; either way, Qusayy became the lord of the pagan Kaabah, controlling access and raking in all the moolah from the concessions, and passing it on to his sons; Muhammad's mother Amina (Aminah) (Arab. "faithful") bint Wahb (-577) (Amina is Arabic for Mary?) was pregnant with the little devil for four years?; his father dies almost 6 mo. before his birth, his mother dies in his 7th year, and his grandfather in his 9th year, so he is raised by his uncles, and his orphan's inheritance is a house, five camels, a flock of sheep and an Ethiopian maidservant - all his close relatives dying around him proves he's Damien the Antichrist?

Call me a conspiracy softie, but I smell a rat. It goes further back than that. It all started when Muhammad's pagan great-great-great-grandfather Qusayy (Qusai ibn Kilab ibn Murrah) (400-480) married Hubba, daughter of Hulail, ruler of Mecca, then took over the Kaaba by force, which the Muslims later tried to coverup by claiming he purchased it for a skin of wine and a lute, I'll bet, more like he drank wine and played a lute on the corpses of his victims after winning the battle. Another coverup attempt is the Muslim claim that Qusayy's enemies suddenly were plagued by an outbreak of pustules and ran for it. Either way, Qusayy became the lord of the pagan Kaabah, controlling access and raking in all the moolah from the concessions, and passing it on to his sons and on down the line, meaning that Islam and its Five Pillars were already in place for 1-2 cents. before Muhammad founded Islam, but in a pagan form. The Muslim coverup is to call the pre-Islamic period the Jahiliyahh no matter how many pagan seams are showing. Did I mention that Muhammad's mother Amina (Aminah) ("faithful") bint Wahb (-577) (Amina is Arabic for Mary?) was pregnant with the little devil for four years, no wonder his daddy Abdallah (Abdullah) ibn Abdul-Muttalib (548-70) croaked before he was born, don't ask why one meaning of the Arabic phrase "Abd 'Allah" is "servant of Allah" when there was no Islam yet, get it, there was, they just didn't have the M&M brand on it and hadn't decided to expand worldwide yet, whoever they is.

Prophet Muhammad (570-632) Hagar the Horrible

So, to recap, born into a prosperous merchant clan, Big Mad Homicide, er, Homey, er, Madhomet was of the tribe of Qureysh and the clan of Hashem, which claimed lineal descent from Abraham's son Ishmail by Abraham's wife Sarah's Egyptian slave girl Hagar ("forsaken"), mother of the Arabic race, not to be confused with the comic strip Hagar the Horrible. Speaking of horrible, Hagar was the first Arab woman to be circumcised, by Sarah, to make her less sexually attractive, making her the model for all future clitoris-hating Arab muddahs and bridegrooms. Too bad, Jehovah already had them Ishmaelites down pat, as proved by his own words in Da Bible about Ishmael: "He will be a wild ass of a man, his hand against every man and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen" - Gen. 16:12. In other words, he would never make them his prophets, tough titties.

So, if I were an Ishmaelite who wanted to start a new religion and supersede the Jewish godman Christ, the first item on my agenda would be to shuck the Jewish Bible along with Jehovah, plus the Christian Bible along with its claims that Christ was the final prophet, and create my own, like Joseph Smith or Elron Humbug, and promote myself as a godman too no matter how hard it would be to coverup my dirty laundry, after which I could get all the hot young poontang I wanted and call it a message from God that polygamy is holy even for monotheists, like Father Abraham did it all the time, right, pass the sheep butter. And this time I would learn from experience that huddling at night to do it when the rulers aren't watching is too slow a way to spread it, so why not go 180 degrees and make everybody do it in broad daylight five times a day, and kill anybody who tries to interfere, Allah is Great, whap, don't make them respect you make them fear you, take the Medieval Tweet market by storm. Voila: the Raghead Antichrist!

'The Omen', 1976

Like Damien ("to subdue") the Antichrist (who is expected to be born on 6/6/6, why not around 666 C.E.?), all of Mad Hatter's close relatives died around him. His father died 6 mo. before his birth, his mother died in his 7th year while he was visiting Medina with her, and his grandfather in his 9th year, so he was raised by his butt, er, uncles, and his orphan's inheritance was a house, five camels, a flock of sheep and an Ethiopian maidservant, managing my finances runs me down? Maybe his father was the Devil and his mother was a virgin, what's the matter with being you mama?

Details of his early life are sketchy. In 583 Kid Tommy travelled to Syria with his uncle (head of the Banu Hashim clan) Imran ("prosperity") Abu Talib ("seeker of knowledge") ibn 'Abd al-Muttalib (549-619), and met with the Christian (Syriac?) (Nestorian?) (Arian?) Bahira (Buhayra) ("shining", "bright") AKA Sergius the Monk in Basra, who allegedly predicted that he would grow up to be a great prophet, maybe after a little sodomy, who can prove it in court? In 586 Muhammad the Propeller-head Prophet participated in the Hatfield-McCoy tribal Fijar (Sacrilegious) (Immoral) War, but didn't participate in the fighting, only helping to pick up the arrows afterward. In 591 he became an active member of Hilful Fudul (Arab. "virtuous") (Hilf al-Fudul), a league for the relief of the distressed. In 594 the 24-y.-o. bachelor stud became the business mgr. of 40-y.-o. wealthy noble-born widow Lady Khadija (Khadija) bint Khuwaylid (553-620) ("early baby", related to the Greek word Asia, meaning East or sunrise), and began leading her trade caravan to Syria and back, then married her (his first wife) in 595, turning him into a player on the Arabian scene. A woman, you're using a woman? She's dry, but I got plenty of sheep butter. Meanwhile for reference, the same year Japanese Empress Suiko issued the Flourishing Three Treasures Edict, officially recognizing Buddhism.

Since his clan already had perfected some kind of WMDs in order to repulse the pesky Christians, it would naturally be the next item on the agenda to find a way to unite all the feuding tribes under one flag and set out to conquer the world for turban-and-beard-wearing male supremacist throwbacks. So, as the year 600 rolled around, Arabian pagan polytheist Mecca caravan driver Kutam was wealthy, connected, and poised for greatness, but first a little makeover.

Byzantine Emperor Phocas (-610) Pope St. Gregory I the Great (540-604) Kali

I don't know if this is significant, oh yes I do, but in 602 Byzantine emperor (602-10) Phocas (Phokas) ("a seal") (the first Byzantine emperor to break the old Roman tradition of being clean-shaven by sporting a beard, the one on the Roman side who first broke the tradition being Hadrian, the one who defeated the Bar Kochba Revolt, hence it would bring back old memories and make Jews see red) attemped to convert the Jews to Christianity after they supported the Persians who were invading them, and in 609 Patriarch Anastasios ("resurrection") II of Antioch was lynched by Jews angry over his attempt to make them accept condemned blasphemer Christ and the !*?!* Trinity, I'm dead, pull the trigger. Also in 602, Pope (590-604) Gregory ("vigilant, watchful") I the Great (540-604) (first Christian monk to make pope) wrote to the populace to avoid "following the perfidy of the Jews" by observing the Sabbath on Saturday, although it was okay for the Anglo-Saxons to keep their pagan Easter (named after the Anglo-Saxon spring goddess Eostre or Ostara, from the Greek word for duh, East or sunrise) eggs as long as they were recast in PC Christian terms, with no mention of Ostara changing her pet bird into a rabbit, Osterhase, which lays brightly colored eggs to give to kids to symbolize fertility; instead, since eggs are forbidden for the 40 days of Lent preceding Easter, think of it as a diet breaker. Since Easter is the season for baptisms, and converts wear brand new white robes to symbolize their rebirths, it became popular to take a long walk in one's new clothes after Easter Mass, becoming the origin of Oprah Winfrey. This might be just a coincidence, but it's too cool not to mention, namely, the black fire-tongued Hindu goddess Kali ("black") was first mentioned about 600 C.E., the goddess of death and time, as in you're time's up, give me your goodies, becoming a favorite with the Thuggee cult of professional robber-murderers, see any Indiana Jones flick, maybe they got it from Islam, maybe Islam got it from them, the 600s sure were an era of death religions, send in the History Dicks. Her hubby is Shiva, who likes to lounge around on the ground covered in white cremation ashes while she stands on him, that's too kinky to be sex isn't it?

Shroud of Turin Godzilla, 1954 Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Jerusalem True Cross Church of the Nativity

Meanwhile ever since the Romans kicked them out, the pesky Jewish illegal aliens kept sneaking back into their holy main base of Jerusalem, where they became a minority compared to the top dog "Roman" (Byzantine Greek) Christians, who treated them like dog doo for killing their Savior. Who knows all the conspiracy theory behind it, but on Apr. 15, 614 the Persians under Sassanid king (590-628) Khosrau (Khusro) II (-628) sieged Byzantine-held Jerusalem, and on May 5 after 21 days forced their way within the walls, aided by the 26K Jews, and captured the city after a mass slaughter of Christians, killing or enslaving 90K, which the Jews eagerly assisted, here's back achya phony Messiah Jehoshua of Nazareth, increasing Christian anti-Semitism bigtime, causing some to call it the First Crusade. The Persians then finished sacking the city, destroying the Church of the Holy Sepulchre (on the alleged site of Golgotha, built by Constantine I), and seized the True Cross of Christ (allegedly found in a cave by his mother Helena on May 3, 326 during a 2-year visit to the Holy Land while he was busy ordering the execution of his eldest son Crispus and his wife Fausta by means of suffocation in an overheated bath after they were accused of hooking up), taking it to Ctesiphon along with the remaining Christian pop., and annexed all of Palestine. Only the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem was spared, allegedly because its door had a mosaic depicting Persian wise men. Jerusalem briefly became the national capital of the Jewish people for the first time since the Bar Kochba Revolt in 135, for a grand total of 15 years. If there was any hope left of reconciliation between Christians and Jews, it was gone after the Christian slaughter on the site of their savior Christ's slaughter. The Sudarium ("sweat cloth") of Christ was allegedly taken from Palestine by Christians and carried through N Africa, arriving in Spain in 616 and becoming the Sudarium of Oviedo, known for type AB blood stains allegedly matching some on the head portion of the Shroud of Turin, the alleged burial cloth of Christ, which has spawned its own holy scientific industry. Having lost Big J to the Romans and Byzantines, and the Persians proving whimps, might the Jews not finally be ready to do the wild thing and use their mental nuclear voodoo to raise up Allahzilla in Arabland, stimulate your senses with new J-react gum?

Islam = Moon God Worship? Allah in Arabic Allah in Arabic

Call it another coincidence, the earliest known text of the Quran (Koran) was written on sheepskin dated to between 568-645, indicating that it may have been written before Muhammad was born. Call it another coincidence, in 610 Kutam was allegedly converted by the local Jews to belief in the One True God Jehovah, changing history bigtime. Too bad, since Jews had long before decided that they couldn't use that name Jehovah anymore, because it was too holy to pronounce (which is why nobody knows how to really pronounce it - maybe it's more like Yahoo or Yahawooa, figure it out nd check back with me after you suddenly regain your youth plus eternal life), they just called him the One True God, which proved to be the mistake of the millennium as illiterate Kid Tommy got it mixed up and changed the name to Allah, meaning Hu, er, Who Da Big Alpha, as in Alpha without the Omega, and began to talk about it to his wife and friends, obviously hoping to become an Arabian prophet and convert them to monotheism too, sibling rivalry is good. There's nothing you can do that can't be done, there's nothing you can sing that can't sung. Actually, the word Allah, which some claim is a contraction for the Arabic words "al ilah", meaning "the God" goes way back before Muhammad, meaning the chief god of the Big 360 in the Kaaba, probably originally a Moon god, based on the god Sin, Arabia isn't next to the Sinai Peninsula for nothing, and all Muhammad did was tell his followers that Allah is the only true god, and that they must dispense with the rest, since he's got the trademark, copyright and patent rights secured so he can start his own monopoly like Bill Gates did with Microsoft and spread junky PCs to flood out the far better Apples and Macs, on July 16 the race is on. And don't miss the list of beautiful-sounding 99 names of Allah, incl. the Harmer, the Compeller, the Imperious, the Humiliator, and the Bringer of Death, you get your cake and can eat cupcakes too. The word Allah in Arabic characters looks like a giant pair of testicles and a tiny penis :) No surprise, Savior (Deliverer, Redeemer) isn't one of them. Oh yes, no surprise, the word Allah written in Arabic resembles a serpent chasing a staff, as in the Devil seeking world rule, not unlike a hemi getting its name from the half-moon shape of its combustion chamber.

Koran Hira Cave

Since the Final Prophet was full of ill, i.e., illiterate, and couldn't read Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, Greek, or anything else, and was too lazy to learn with all those hot ladies around (actually up till then Arabic wasn't a written language, Gabriel invented that for them too, like Joseph Smith with his special glasses), Cute Tom needed a speed plan, and how lucky that on Apr. 6, 610 on the Lailat al-Qadr (Night of Power) in the 9th month called Ramadan ("to be scorched") (which begins and ends with the crescent Moon, no coincidence, although the b.s. coverstory now is that Muslims adopted the symbol after taking Constantinople in 1453), the first (last in 632) surreal sura of the grab-yours-while-supplies-last 114-sura, 6,346-verse Quran (Qur'an) (Koran) (Arabic for recitation), the alleged final and perfect message from God to all humanity (really a fake Bible revealed to him by Satan to form an army against the true God, or the output of a secret literature factory in Arabia, probably Jew-powered, using Muhammad as their front and dummy corporation in order to mobilize the Arabs into an army to forever keep the Christians out, which got out of control?) allegedly descended whole into his soul (making him the "Seal of the Prophets", the last and final) in the dark no-sports-attire-allowed 13 ft. x 5 ft. 9 in. Hira Cave near the summit of the Mount of Light (Jabal al-Nur) near Mecca from an Arabic-speaking angel calling himself Gabriel (Jibril) (really a demon of Satan, appearing to him in the Second Annunciation (the first was to the Virgin Mary) as the Million-Dollar Man-Angel of Light after he ate some psychedelic mushrooms, or maybe a clever Jew who could throw his voice?), who ordered him three times to "Recite!" (Iqraa in Arabic), to which he kept answering that he didn't know how to read, then gave him the direct words of Allah: Good morning, I was just thinking, maybe we got off to a bad start here, we're going to be working together, how about some tennis? Excuse me while I kiss the sky, ut if this isn't a conspiracy and coverup in order to launch a New World Order, I don't know what is. And all signs point to the Jews, sorry. It was like with JFK, he had to go, he really had to go, and they couldn't let him leave Dallas alive, sure it's a lone gunman, chuckle, that keeps us from being suspects, keep your arms on your head, take off your shoes, and get down on your knees. How's this for a Christian back-achya: "But even though we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to that which we have preached to you, let him be accursed." (Galatians 1:8) Muslims like to say that the even though the Quran is written in Arabic, it's for warning the whole world of the coming Day of Judgment. Too bad, the Quran itself says: "Thus we have revealed to you the Quran in Arabic that you may warn the mother city [[Mecca]]." (Quran 42.7). Worse, since the Quran is perfect in its Arabic original, and existed co-eternally with Allah, which means that Arabic is Allah's language too, therefore translations are all unacceptable for a true Muslim. Too bad, even experts find large portions of the language in the Quran to be incomprehensible, and couldn't translate them if they wanted to. Speaking of accursed and perfect in the same breath, there are at least 275 foreign words in the Quran - even the word Quran comes from Syriac. By the way, there are many contradictions in the Quran, along with grammatical errors (Alsabeoun instead of Alsabieen in 5:69 for instance), which is no surprise, as the Yemeni Quran, AKA the Sana'a Manuscripts, discovered in the Great Mosque of Sana'a in Yemen in 1972 shows the dirty laundry of the supposedly perfect Quran of prior textual evolution, blowing the cover story of the angel and the perfect recitation of a perfect unchangeable text. To quote German scholar Gerd Rudiger Puin (1940-) (head of the restoration project) in the 1999 Atlantic Monthly: "My idea is that the Koran is a kind of cocktail of texts that were not all understood even at the time of Muhammad. Many of them may even be a hundred years older than Islam itself. Even within the Islamic traditions there is a huge body of contradictory information, incl. a significant Christian substrate; one can derive a whole Islamic anti-history from them if one wants. The Qur'an claims for itself that it is 'mubeen' or clear, but if you look at it, you will notice that every fifth sentence or so simply doesn't make sense. Many Muslims will tell you otherwise, of course, but the fact is that a fifth of the Qur'anic text is just incomprehensible. This is what has caused the traditional anxiety regarding translation. If the Qur'an is not comprehensible, if it can't even be understood in Arabic, then it's not translatable into any language. That is why Muslims are afraid. Since the Qur'an claims repeatedly to be clear but is not, there is an obvious and serious contradiction. Something else must be going on." Yes, because it's a Satanic musical score and requires augmented and diminished fifths along with hemidemisemiquavers to get that Satanic beat right. I guess Muhammad and the early Muslims were a little bit insana'a, plus liars and frauds, and all them zillions of zombies, slaves and corpses was for nothing, and all them extremist Muslims base their worldview on intellectual sheep mush.

Ah, but the Quran was verfied at the source by tons of qualified expert witnesses, like the Book of Moron. Not exactly. After his first private experience with the angel, which he naturally thought was a demon, and almost deciding to jump off the cliff several times, aw shucks don't we wish, Muhammad allegedly went to his wife Lady Khadija's cousin Waraqa bin Naufal bin Asad bin 'Abdul 'Uzza, a Christian convert who could read the Christian scriptures in Arabic (since written Arabic didn't exist yet, it must have been Hebrew and/or Greek, probably the Greek Septuagint version of the Old Testament), who confirmed that it wasn't an evil Jinn like M thought, but Gabriel, the same angel that Allah sent to Moses, let me tell you about my life insurance company. Nobody seems to have wanted to meet the angel for themselves, I wonder why, no I don't. I bet he didn't say Allah, but the short answer is no, it wasn't an angel, he came from the other side of the Force, you judge a tree by its fruit, 1400 years of blood and oppression doesn't lie. Either way, this Allah was not very cosmopolitan, but very small, appearing in the Darth Vader Hira-Some-Evil Cave ("I'm your faaather, hold my hand") to an Arab goy and whispering in his ears. Maybe it was Allah, the Moon God, the chief god of the Big Black Cube, ask Abraham to take his son to the top of the mountain to slay him, it connects. Of course Wacky Waraqa couldn't have been the real author of the Quran, since he had conveniently gone blind and soon died and went to Heaven, where he now wears white robes according to a vision by none other than Prophet M. Yes, Prophet M is now the source of all divine authority, anything he says is the word of Allah via the Ass Clown in the cave that only talks to him. If you're going to ask me to do something awful, I need some serious proof, but Muslims get nada, which never stops them.

Did I mention that Muhammad suffered from a Long List of Phobias and Manias? I'm just kidding, they're divinely-commanded behavior that all Muslims must emulate, such as Alliumphobia, Aurophobia, Automysophobia, Aviophobia, Bibliophobia, Catagelophobia, Cynophobia, Demonophobia, Geliophobia, Christianophobia, Judeophobia, Gynephobia, Hadephobia, Homophobia, Levophobia, Sinistrophobia, Melanophobia, Melophobia, Menophobia, Methyphobia, Nyctophobia, Satanophobia, Urophobia, Catapedamania, Dacnomania, Entheomania, Erotomania, Flagellomania, Gamomania, Gynaecomania, Arithmomania, Mythomania, Necromania, Opsomania, Phonomania, Polemomania, Pyromania, Sebastomania.

Dumbass on My Forehead Dumbass on My Forehead Dumbass on My Forehead Dumbass on My Forehead

So let's recap, total honesty, unbeatable service, lifetime money-back guarantee. What do you think I have stamped on my forehead, the word dumbass? Gimme a break, the Jews invented it all, they're not the smartest people on Earth for nothing. Muhammad was their stage manager and dummy corporation, while they handed him the plays, like Shakespeare was to Francis Bacon or Edward de Vere, that's the power of the ancient Internet, ease of identity fraud, 600 pissed-off Jews are looking for work. By definition, illiterate polytheist pagans who are forever fighting for their honor in endless feuds because they won't change don't won't and can't begin to come up with something new like this that depends on vast erudition of the Jewish literature. The illiterate minds of a whole subcontinent of wildass Arabs were their tabula rasas that they could mold to their desires, especially with deliberate disinformation about the Jewish Old Testament and Greek New Testament. Maybe to them Jews it was a public service to convert them out of their polytheism into monotheism, and they naturally made sure that they could never be converted to Christianity for good measure, after which some of them went too far and got ideas about turning them into an anti-Christian terrorist force, thinking they could go along with them and return to Europe in style, not realizing that you can take an Arab out of Arabia but you can't take Arabia out of an Arab. I don't know, ask them if you got a medium handy, I'm just a Historyscoper and figure things out with evidence and deductive reasoning.

Philip Schaff (1819-93) Abraham Geiger (1820-74) Jewish Rabbi 'The Baseball Talmud'

Maybe you think I'm a lone nut who made the Jewish origin theory of Islam up. Actually, it's old news to historyscopers and you're just an Islam history ignoramus product of the post-Christian school system, and that's why you read this far, you want to lean on, er, learn some history, so I hope you'll stick with me to the end, even if you have to come back 500 times till you do. The Quran's version of monotheism is "a bastard Judaism of Ishmael, and the post-Christian and anti-Christian Judaism of the Talmud", according to History of the Christian Church, Vol. 4, Mediaeval Christianity, A.D. 590-1073 by Swiss historian Philip Schaff (1819-93), among many others, incl. German Jewish rabbi-scholar Abraham Geiger (1810-74), who won a prize for his 1833 doctoral dissertation "Was Hat Mohammed aus dem Judenthume Aufgenommen?" (What Has Muhammad Taken from Judaism?), which was pub. in English translation in 1896 as Judaism and Islam, showing how large parts of the Quran were taken from or based on the Talmud and other rabbinic literature, information has always been on a need to know and I'm the president. That's right, the Jewish Talmud (Hebrew for "teaching"), an endless pile of profound crap they genned up after being kicked out of Israel and losing their ability to practice their religion with a temple, priests, and sacrifices, causing the stateless tribe to be taken over by the ever-tricky rabbis (teachers). It was filled with snide remarks and lies about Jesus, which happened to find their way into the Quran, call it their Apollo Project, but they didn't have to worry about exposure for a thousand years since nobody but a lifelong Jew could read through it anyway, if he lived long enough. So to cover their tracks, the Jewish authors of the Quran, who probably invented written Arabic also, start it out by having it call the Jewish Bible a fraud corrupted by the Jews, claiming that Jehovah's covenant with Abraham and Isaac (father of the Jews) in Genesis Ch. 17 was really Allah's covenant with Abraham and Ishmael (father of the Arabs) (see Gen. Ch. 16), making Allah seem forever at war with the Jewish-Christian Bible god Jehovah, who is of course now the Devil who caused the Jews to corrupt the original texts and worship him instead, you are such a Boy Scout, you see everything in black and white, if only a paper shredder could talk. Even the hopeful message of the Bible in Genesis 22:15-18 that "By your descendants shall all the nations of the Earth bless themselves, because you have obeyed my voice" is turned dark, the Quran's version being that "There has arisen between us and you, enmity and hatred forever, unless ye believe in Allah and him alone" (Quran 60:4), and that when Abraham told his daddy "I will pray for forgiveness for you", he was not being an excellent example, making Islam not the religion of love but the religion of endless seething hate, not a brother or sister or cousin but the eternal hater of Christianity, whose founder uttered the command "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" Luke 6:27-28. No wonder that history ignoramuses like Pres. Obama (in Nov. 2009) get away with uttering lame soundbytes like "The rituals of Hajj and Eid-ul-Adha both serve as reminders of the shared Abrahamic roots of three of the world's major religions". Talking about shared roots and why Quranic verses are called sura, is it a coincidence that in 219 C.E. the ancient Babylonian town of Sura on the Euphrates River became the home of a major Jewish Talmudic school under Rabbi Abba Arika ("Tall", "Learned") (175-247)? Indeed the Talmudic Age is dated from this event.

Speaking of love and Christ, in 1882 Philip Schaff (1819-93) pub. History of the Christian Church (8 vols.), with the soundbyte: "Jesus Christ, the God-Man, the prophet, priest, and king of mankind, is, in fact, the centre and turning-point not only of chronology, but of all history, and the key to all its mysteries. Around him, as the sun of the moral universe, revolve at their several distances, all nations and all important events, in the religious life of the world; and all must, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, contribute to glorify his name and advance his cause."

Camel Face Simon & Garfunkel The Rolling Stones

Of course the dark angel that nobody but Muhammad saw knows because he's the messenger sent by the hold-on-Sheena true god Allah, who is not Jehovah but also is, depending on if the Jews accept him, which they won't, hehe, you're illiterate but you can get as far as alpha, right camel faces, you accept him and take our, er, his orders while we watch. Allah is making guess-who-you Muhammad the crowning finale to the line of divine Old Testament teachers and prophets from Abraham to Jesus (never mind him being a Jew, we threw him out), and is uncorrupting his own Bible through him, especially the one used by those pesky Christians who claim that Jesus is God, and that's blasphemy, just what the Jews themselves convicted him of, it was due process of law, hehe, and we have been given a bum rap by Christians ever since, that's why we're hiding out down here in this sandlot, and now you dumbass Arabs can get even for us as cannon fodder for our new 7th century Vietnam. And Grandmaster G will implant the rest of the gold edition of the corrected Bible directly in Murray the K's heart bar by bar so the Jews can play both sides against the middle with plausible deniability, I have no recollection, Senator, shades of gray, not black and white, yes, black and white, kill them all and let God sort them out later while we charge high interest on armaments loans. I know you're no genius, Ohammedmay, so just come back once a week, take your mushroom, and we'll give you another musical lyric to memorize and sing for your friends, ain't it beautiful, unholy rock music by the original 7th century Simon and Garfunkel posing as the Rolling Stones, together we'll go far, to the top of the charts forever.

Three Stooges

So, after getting his act down pat with private rehearsals in Da Cave, Praiseworthy One (name change provided by his grandfather as described above) began a 23-year Tour of Duty as Allah's Marine in the sand jungles of dope-kingdom Colombiarabia, with his first convert being (no surprise) his wife Lady Khadijah, followed by his son-in-law (first male to convert) (shoulda been but wasn't his successor, until Shiite happened - he was allegedly the only person born in the Qaaba) Ali ("the greatest") ibn Abi Talib (599-661), freed African slave and adopted son Zayd (Zaid) ibn Harithah (581-629) is KIA, becoming the only one of Muhammad's companions (Sahaba) to be mentioned by name in the Quran (33:37) (he's black, so he can't be a contender), and admirer-friend (later father-in-law and successor, who scores big points by giving his infant daughter to Big M for fun in bed, what an example he will set for Muslim fathers) Abu Bakr (Bekr) (572-634), the original Three Stooges. Was Lady Khadija secretly recruited by the Roman Catholic Church as their secret agent because they really invented Islam and used Muhammad as their dummy corporation to raise an army of madass Arabs who would kill non-Roman Catholic Christians and hack their way into Jerusalem, allowing them to take it over for themselves? Duh, if so, they really screwed-up bigtime since it took them until 1099.

Islam Islam Islam Islam Islam Islam

Thus was born the sick evil crazy lying mental junk cult of Islam, from the Arabic word "aslama", meaning submission or surrender, and the Hebrew word "shalom", meaning peace (the true Arabic word for peace is "soth", so they later created the word salaam as a coverup). Obviously the coined word Islam is meant to mean both submission and peace, with the subliminal message of "Submit or Die", with either death of mental independence or physical death being understood as the ultimate peace. The cardinal doctrine is the did-I-mention total submission to Allah (who sounds suspiciously like the old Jewish god Baal AKA Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, the kind that like to swarm on shit and stink up your shined boots), either by conversion or murder (because after everybody is either submitting to Allah or dead, there will be peace, right, the ultimate peace), which spreads by force and fear rather than persuasion (but not really, because it's a combo religion-state so only the state part spreads by force, you aren't forced to convert just treated like dung until you do), and takes over the brain like a mental virus without Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo to come to the rescue, maintained by daily public brainwash sessions relying on the hypnotic Arabic language, you said it would be a surgical strike, that's what you said, I wasn't counting on this kind of collateral damage, yes I was. The day-to-day mind waste began of adults and little children being brainwashed daily into memorizing every word of the hypnotic sing-along Queeran, programming them to become 007s with a license to kill for the Arab M from his Big Daddy Allah, do they sound like his words, he can't be clear when clarity is just what he has to avoid, but the gloves come off.

Five Pillars Qiblah Qiblah Iron Filings and Magnet

But it's a religion, fully equal to Judaism and Christianity, and entitled to equal respect when it's not powerful enough to just kill you and shut you up? It's got principles, sure, the Five Pillars of Islam, Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp, and Groucho, er, Salat or Salah (public ritual prayer) (mass hypnotism) (plural salawat), Zakat (almsgiving), Hajj (pilgrimage to Mecca, wearing the ihram, to commemorate God's sparing of Abraham's son Ishmael), Sawm (fasting during Ramadan), and Shahada (shades of hell?), recitation of the prostrate-supporting Kalimah ("the phrase") jingle "La ilaha ila Allah, Muhammada rasul Allah", translation "There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his final prophet", pass the ginkgo biloba. The Arabic term for a religious duty is Fard. To be a good farding Muslim, pray five times a day in the Qiblah (Kiblah) direction towards Mecca and the Cubelah (don't ask what they do on a ship, plane or rocket ship), bowing your head to the floor (usually covered with a prayer mat) and baring your neck to show that you know who owns it, along with the head at the end of it, and, if Allah doesn't lop off your head so you can stand back up, it's time to go out and kill kill kill till Allah gets his fill, which he never does, you're Allah, dumbo, do it for Muhammad. After you die, guess in what direction your head must be buried, you got it, you're iron filings the Cube is the magnet. Not that you would even have a head on your shoulders if you refused to pray five times every day for life, since the penalty for refusing is guess what, death by beheading, done by a happy Muslim executioner, roll it all together and make it stick. Fives times a day from the minaret the Muezzin (Muzim) issues the Adhan ("ear", "permit"), the call to prayer, followed by the 2nd call called the Iqama (set up) that tells them to line up for the group action. Each of the daily prayers has its own name and extensive rules and regulations, and the Dhuhr (pronounced zuhr) midday prayer is replaced on Fridays with the Jumu'ah prayer, in case you wondered. All Muslims must celebrate Ramadan with a month of sunrise-to-sunset (fajr-to-isa) fasting followed by Eid ul-Fitr, a pain-relief-without-messy-creams-or-jells celebration on the final day. The five-times-daily prayers include phrases from Sura 1, incl. cursing of "those against whom there is wrath", and "those who are astray", translation, Jews and Christians, so much for interfaith dialogs. The way Muslims pray, they end up lifting their asses into the air, causing hecklers to call them asslifters or arselifters. They also love to bang their heads on the floor to show off their marks, causing them to be called headbangers. By the way, Islam has a doctrine called Fitra (Fitrah) ("instinctual nature"), which claims that all people are born Muslim, and revert to Judaism, Christianity etc. after being deceived by Satan, did I mention that interfaith dialogues under these conditions are a joke? Why do Muslims like to behead those who resist believing in the Quran and submitting to Sharia? Answer: a severed head is about the same size as a Quran? I guess Muhammad thought that to make his horrible intolerant compulsive mental slavery fit only for illiterate polytheist polygamous clit-slicing slave-owning Arabs look equal to real non-compulsive religions like Judaism and Christianity he had to pile on coercive commands, like giving out alms to poor Muslims as a cover story, fasting once a year for heart health, and visiting Mecca at least once to kiss the Cube of Satan and drink the mineral water of Hell, the bitterness giving you a clue if you ain't stupid, you and I want the same thing, only till now you've done all the work, the little fish, but I can help you get the big fish.

Speaking of work, one of the most insidious doctrines promulgated by Islam is Inshalla (Insha'Allah) (Arabic "In sa Allah"), meaning "It is Allah's will", which Muslims forever use as an excuse for poverty or from having to have a Western-style worth ethic. By the way, hate happens in Islam, so one time when they get over their laziness for awhile is on the Hajj in the stoning ritual, where they furiously throw stones at stone walls representing the Devil and his infidels and blow off steam before they return for the struggle. Speaking of hate and stoning, everybody knows that prophet Christ said "Whoever is without sin, let him cast the first stone" (John 8:3-7). Muhammad the final prophet overruled him and showed what tough love is: "The Jew brought to the Prophet a man and a woman who committed adultery. He ordered both of them stoned near the place of offering for funeral prayers beside the mosque." - (Bukhari 2.23.413). He who is with sin casts all the stones. Christ by his death left four nails, and Muhammad by his death left seven swords and a virtually unlimited supply of stones, together we can discover the best of what's next.

Muslim Prayer Come to Hidden Valley Ranch? Nuked Mecca (20??) Tom Tancredo (1945-)

What exactly about Islam causes Westerners to sense that it's pure evil? Is it the sense that their founder was a lying, thieving, intolerant supremacist pedophile warlord, yet all Muslims want to be just like him ("You have in Muhammad a beautiful pattern of conduct for anyone to follow" - Quran 33:21)? Is it the part about prostrating your head to the ground, as if you're worshiping what's underneath, the grave, never mind that it might scramble your brains? Maybe, but while many Christians pray with their heads raised to the sky, many pray with their heads bowed, although not necessarily lying face down on the floor, and hardly ever facing Jerusalem much less Mecca. It's not necessarily the part about the dark cave, since that's obviously a lame attempt to ape St. John's grotto and change the dressing, er, ending. Simple, it's staring you in the face like an ass crack. In Islam, all believers are Allah's slaves, and he commands all who don't do what he says to be killed by his believers, so to become a Muslim is to accept the duty of holy murder, holy cow, it's like getting paid to shop. In other words, Islam is about total social and political control of your actions, they just don't care what's in your inner mind or soul, preferably hay, since they are just waiting for an excuse to leave your neck whizzing in the wind. In Christianity, for contrast, believers are children of God, with free will to disobey him, and yes, he promises that he will judge them after Armageddon, but otherwise tells them not to kill each other, even using the L Word, which is why Christian govts. jail not behead conscientious objectors, if they don't sentence them to community service. Okay, technically Christians are slaves of Christ, which is why they call him Lord, but Christ doesn't command you to kill for him, rather suffer for him and imitate him, and doesn't order you beheaded for apostasy like Allah does. So who would you rather have live next door? Speaking of living among them, is it the covered women that surround male Muslims like human cockroaches, giving off an aura of inexpressible oppression and threats of violence for messing with them, reminiscent of pimps and their hos? Of course, Catholics have their nuns, but they are a tiny percentage of the total of Catholic women, and the priests aren't their whoremasters, most of the time, and on paper they're supposed to be chaste, meaning no sex ever, never mind the lezzie stuff, it's unrealistic to keep them from getting off some way, funny how the Catholic insistence on portraying Virgin Mary as a nun with a head covering gets pointed to by Muslims to justify covering all their women. Is it their constant refrain that Islam is a religion of peace while Muslims are continually openly threatening or perpetrating the most horrible types of violence on non-Muslims and each other? Maybe you heard the famous Muhammad quote that war is deception (Bukhari 4:52:268)? The phrase "religion of peace" was first used by Isthiaq Husain Qureshi in his 1930 book of that title, about the time the Muslim World was beaten and playing wolf in sheep's clothing; it actually plays off Muhammad's soundbyte "Aslim taslam", which means surrender and/or convert to Islam and you will be safe, no thanks. Don't think too hard in this nuclear age or you might be tempted to try the Tom Tancredo (1945-) solution to Islam's world crimes of dropping a giant dirty nuke on Mecca, obliterating the Kaaba and turning the whole city into a giant deadly radiactive pit, after which any remaining true believers who won't admit that Allah is a fraud will have to visit it like he ordered and face fatal radioactive poisoning, or else face execution by other Muslims for disobeying his orders, pardon me while I break out my jar of Vaseline and put some on my face and ass :) Actually on July 19, 2005 Turkish, Russian, and U.S. officials reacted angrily to comments made by Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Colo.) the week before during an interview with Fla. radio talk show host Pat Campbell that if Islamic terrorists nuke the U.S., "and we determine that it is the result of extremist, fundamentalist Muslims, you know, you could take out their holy sites"; on July 19 he explained that he didn't mean Mecca :)

Popcorn Female Circumcision

What am I calling it, an evil satanic cult masquerading as a religion? Duh, right, like you should go to prison if you do everything it tells you to beyond the Five Pillars. At least it's got some good points, if you're an old skool male chauvinist pig. One, it's easy to indoctrinate little children into it and keep them in it for life, even the females. Two, since males have a divine right to engage in polygamy (polygyny), pedophilia, wife beating (Quran 4:34), and female circumcision AKA female genital mutilation (FGM) for their child brides, I smell popcorn, plus other male chauvinist goodies and perks too numerous to list, it's easy to grow into and hard to grow out of, plus after you actually murder somebody for Allah and Muhammad, you know you've crossed the line and there's no way back, that is unless you accept that Christ died for your sins and was the final prophet, not an intermediate prophet who didn't die for your sins, was not the son of God, did not rise from the dead, and isn't sitting on the right hand of God waiting to judge you, and already judged Muhammad, who isn't up there with him, gotcha, is that all you have to say. Luckily in a land without much water, there is no requirement for baptism for members, just a daily touch-up before the five-times-a-day ritual prayer, no you can't call in sick, watch that ass crack in front of your face, see if you like the taste of Hidden Valley Ranch. But calling it a religion on the same par as Judaism and Christianity is sick, since there's no way to gain eternal life through a mere change in heart, indeed no promise of paradise except via martyrdom while obeying did-I-mention Sura 9:5 ("the Verse of the Sword"), which teaches believers to go out and kill infidels (kafirs), to quote verbatim, "Fight and slay the infidels wherever you find them", while screaming the voodoo words "Allahu akbar!", meaning Allah is not just some great god but the greatest god, the Acme, Big Daddy Rock, it's about total supremacy, sometimes you have to make compromises, man, no you don't, man?

Too bad, illiterate Muhammad, the youngest person in history to play Major League Baseball never wrote it down, but supposedly dictated portions to his personal scribe Zayd ibn Thabit (-644) (say it until it's a habit?) under the direction of his father-in-law Abu Bakr, leaving the rest to be remembered by his followers, and not all written down until 12 years after his death.

Quran 'The Dark Mirror', 1946 Magic Mirror 'I Dream of Jeannie' 'The Thief of Baghdad', starring Rex Ingram (1895-1969), 1940) Cab in Cairo

Here's what you need to know to hail a cab in Cairo. First, no matter how intellectually bright you are, it's pretty much impossible to understand how dangerous the "real" evil dark magic mirror called the Quran is unless you listen to some true believer "sing it" in Arabic while you get into the daily slave prostrations and lower your brains to the floor in every way for about a year. Even then, to really become a true Muslim headbanger you need to memorize it and sing it yourself acapella, like any American kid trying to copy the Beatles and Rolling Stones in his bedroom, lucky that Ham Handed Muhammad didn't have an electric guitar or we'd never best him. Lucky for Muslim parents, the whole Quran is around 80K words, but when repetitions are counted, there are really only about 2K words, it's sheet music, even kids can memorize it if they can swing an AK-47. All are encouraged to become a half-ass, er, hafiz, a person who has memorized the whole thing and recites it endlessly, no need to have a life, so no wonder there's 10 million of them running around now in poor Muslim lands, a mind is a terrible thing to waste, praise Allah. In short, on the other side of the dark evil magic mirror is pure infinite hate and pride, you can't argue with god, can ya? And in case you still don't get who's da boss, there is no centralized authority like in Christianity, no pope or patriarch, but they have the mullah ("master", "guardian") in Shiite lands and some Sunni lands like Pakistan and former Soviet republics, which should not be confused with the imam, prayer leader at the mosque (in Arabic "masjid", from the Aramaic "masgid", or place of worship, from "seged", to bow down or prostrate oneself), who in Sunni mosques also answers Islamic questions, or alim (scholar) (plural ulama) (the Shiite scholar class is called the ulema). In Sunni lands they also have the title of mawlawi to mean respected scholar. If you're rich and powerful and can't spare the time to go hafiz or scholar, try getting a special copy printed with your own blood like Saddam Hussein of Iraq did in 1997, vampires are all the rage this and every season.

Speaking of So Damn Insane, to put it plainly, it has virtually zero intellectual content like the Jewish-Christian Bible once you get that you must submit and all must submit, submit is the word, just submit stupid, somebody will show you how to submit, anybody who doesn't submit is the enemy, so it is not filled with anything to challenge your brain such as history, sage philosophical soundbytes, or genealogies and sermons on religion, that would take too much time, no paralysis of analysis, just naked buckle-up buttercup get-your-mind-right-and-go-kill field programming, combined with threats of Hell for not obeying, call it dumbed down for Arabs. Later you can just replay the hamster track endlessly while your victims' corpses rot and fool yourself into thinking you saved yourself by going on Hajj. The most used word is Allah, the second is "ill" or knowledge of Allah, funny what "ill" means in God's real language English. After the first short opening sura (the fatiha), the 114 suras (surahs) or chapters are organized from longest (#2) (called Baqara meaning calf or heifer) to shortest (#108) (called Kausar meaning abundance or pond), each being divided into ayas (verses) (6,236 total), the longest Sura 2 Al-Baqara (The Heifer) containing 286 verses, and the shortest Sura 108 Al-Kausar (Abundance or Pond) containing 3 verses, something about Muhammad having the greatest number of followers and being the sweet pond on the day of resurrection, and how the unbelievers are bereft of all goodness, oh he himself has said it, and it's greatly to his credit, that he is an Arab man, he i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-is an Arab man. They even screwed the arrangement up, because the last sura, Sura 114 Al-Nas (Mankind) is 6 verses long, what are they doing over here, the coast is over there? Sura 1 Al-Fatiha (The Opening) starts out "Bismillahi r-rahmani r-rahim", or "In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the ever merciful", setting the stage for the hypnotic brainwashing repetition, since this verse starts out every one of the other surahs except John Lennon's #9 ("repentance"), the one that kill says da infidels if they resist. Of course the Quran is full of mystical numbers, starting with Sura 1, which contains 7 verses, 29 words, and 139 letters, all additive prime numbers, think of the growth path for your messed up mind. Sura 114 An-Nas (Al-Nas) (Mankind) goes: "In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. Say I seek refuge with the lord of mankind, the king of mankind, the god of mankind, of the Jinn and mankind from the evil of the sneaky whisperer who whispers in the hearts of man." What is a Jinn? You guessed it, Aladdin, a genie, don't sweat, it's a glandular thing with them Arabs, can we see your belly button. Shaitan (Satan) allegedly started as a genie named Iblis. Obviously, Muhammad knows all about the evil whisperer and the demons of Hell, since he's their main man, call it a Freudian slip, I'm not going to apologize for thinking, I bet that sweet pond is really the Lake of Fire, that's the Devil's method, turn black white and white black and get your hands on the green, there's trouble in Paradise. By the way, Muhammad's favorite color was green, check out that big green turban on Mo. (The Arabic word for Paradise is Janna, coincidence?) Islam is thus the catholic universal religion for total history ignoramuses, who can be brainwashed into thinking they know everything when they know nothing, and need to unlearn what they learned, but can't, call 1-866-666-FIXED and lock in your rate, we can live in a bubble. The first sura allegedly revealed to Big M was #96 (that's 69 upside down in Arabic numerals), Sura 96 Al-Alaq (The Clot), which claims that God made man from a blood clot (them Allah Akbars love the sight of clotted blood), that there are two types of men, those who bow to God's will, and those pesky "lying and sinful" unbelievers who don't, for whom the "guards of Hell" are waiting, and that the unbeliever shouldn't try to deny to the believers the right to worship Allah, nor must the believers "yield" to threats from unbelievers, whap, there goes another head, that's the only mind you have, don't waste it. Note that in the cow surah, verse 190 says "Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not exceed the limits, for Allah doesn't love those who do", whatever limits are supposed to mean, but verse #191 clears it up a bit, saying "And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places they drove you out if, for persecution [of Muslims by non-Muslims] is worse than slaughter [of the persecutors by Muslims]", which means that Muslims think they're all above Da Law of Non-Muslims. It's like the iPhone, there's apps for just about anything. It's the clean-burning mind fuel of hate turned into code for your internal operating system, complete with virus protection against love and tolerance, just say it over and over and you'll get the need for speed, kill kill kill, ahhh, that's a relief. Are Muslims worshiping God and getting closer to him so they can be with him in Paradise, or worshiping Satan via a Dark Mirror Book and getting closer to him so they can be with him in Hell, while their victims go to Heaven to be with guess who trice? Maybe the atheists are right and there's neither a God nor a Devil, but if there were, God wouldn't want to put his name to this crap, but it's just what the Devil would come up with and attempt to frame God with writing so he can win the war for human souls, someone who can bring opposing sides together, that person is not in the house. Isn't that my I'm a critic? So here goes: "And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light, so it is not surprising that his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be according to their deeds." - 2 Corinthians 11:14-15. One of them divine revelations is telling the truth and one is lying, you decide, atheists can attack the Law of the Excluded Middle. By the way, the Muslims stole their flowery descriptions of the delights of paradise from the writings of the Zoroastrians and Hindus, any damage, swabbie, a direct hit sir.

Holy Cunny? Virgin Mary Joseph and Potiphar's Wife

What does this wonderful new Bible teach its true believers about the old Jewish Bible and Christian New Testament and its false believers? Let's start with Sura 5 Al-Maidah (The Table Spread), which respectfully calls the Jews and Christians "People of the Book" (5:19), and says that Jews are friends with Christians, but then says that Muslims are to shun them both since, one, "Infidels are those who say that Jesus, the son of Mary is God" (5:17), and of course Allah is the one and only God and has no son, trust me and be cool, oh Hell no, and two, "The Jews and Christians say 'We are God's beloved children'", but "Why then does God punish you for you sins?" (5:18), that'll trip them up, the chicken is in the pot, over, cook it, roger that. Obviously, the Jews who created Islam wanted themselves to be treated special, so that's why this loophole is there, which they grudgingly had to allow Christians into, but they made sure that Muslims were unitarians like them who believe that there is not only one God but that he can't have a son, and that anybody claiming to be is a blasphemer who should be executed pronto, like they already got the Romans to do to Jesus, only now it's an assembly line operation. Of course, "idolaters [incl. Christians and Jews] are nothing but unclean, so they shall not approach the Sacred Mosque [in Mecca]" (Sura 9:28), and if they are caught, guess what, whap, even if you're Jesus himself. Muslims don't even call him Jesus, they call him Issa, and accept his virgin birth and miracles, but deny that he was the son of God, or was crucified and died, much less resurrected in Sura 4 Al-Nesaa' (Women) 4:157-8, which says: "The people of the scripture boasted, 'We killed the Messiah, Jesus the son of Mary, the messenger of Allah.' But they killed him not, nor crucified him, but so it was made to appear to them, and those who differ therein are full of doubts, with no certain knowledge, but only conjecture to follow, for of a surety they killed him not. Instead, Allah raised him to himself." Forgetting that it was the pagan Romans not the "people of scripture", i.e., Jews who killed Jesus, I guess Muhammad got that part wrong, unless he got it from Mel Gibson, the Quranic claim that Jesus was raised alive to Heaven like Elijah, and will return on Judgment Day to help the Muslims kill Jews and Christians is one of them black is white and white is black moments that makes Islam what it is, because you see, get ready for this, Jesus and all righteous people in the Jewish scriptures were Muslims all along, and it was the Jews who staged this coverup, see how evil they are? The pesky Christians even one-upped the Jews with the Jesus blasphemy, but he couldn't have been the Son of God, much less God, and certainly not the final prophet, he was from the bad side of Abraham's house, a mortal fallible man like Prophet M, and a Laughing Man descended from Big Laugh Isaac, not spotless lamb Ishmael. Since the Gospels tell the story of a man so far above Muhammad it's sick, of course they're forbidden to Muslims, who hopefully will execute any of their number who convert to Christianity forever more, which is why it's dangerous to try proselytizing in most Muslim nations even today. No, Jesus was just Tom Cruise in a banned episode of Mission: Islam, who was meant to play second fiddle at best, because he was a Jew, though a Muslim at the same time, sans turban, or maybe he wore one, ask them they're always right. To quote Allah the Infallible: "Those who say that the Lord of Mercy has begotten a son preach a monstrous blasphemy." - Sura 19 Maryam, verses 88-92. The final punch line: "Allah's Prophet said, How will you be when the son of Mary descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Quran and not by the Law of the Gospel?" (Bukhari 4:55:658). Is it chilly this morning? It will be really chilly this afternoon. What was Jesus' M:I? To warn the pesky Jews that Allah was going to destroy his temple and scatter them throughout the Earth so that his final prophet could come and show them the way to return to the true faith and worship at a different one, a black meteorite in Arabia that despite an attempted coverup was long a pagan idol, please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and fame. Funny how if Muhammad was illiterate he seems to have read the Gospel of Luke 1:35, containing the story of his favorite angel Gabriel and favorite fantasy babe Mary, oh yes, Gabriel was the one who told him, but even so, he goes pornographic by changing the words "come upon" and "overshadow" in Sura 66 At-Tahrim (The Prohibition) Verse 12 to "breathed in her vagina" (the Arabic word for vagina or private parts being farj - figures). Maybe he was describing holy cunny, that's how Jesus got made, right, just like he did it every night with his Sweet Six sugar diapers wife under the theory that old men who can't cut the mustard can still lick the jar, but we'll cover that later. Speaking of holy cunny, check out the Quran Holy Cunny Song, Sura 66 sung by a true believer, it was #1 on the Sick Pop Charts for 1000 years at least, if they get their way it will be on the American Pop Charts for the next 1000 years, over my dead body. Speaking of stealing from the Jewish Bible, Sura 12 Yusuf (Joseph) retells the Old Testament story of Joseph and Potiphar's Wife, twisting it to frame him on worshiping guess Who Al Ends with La, but really proving that their original aim was to rewrite the entire Old Testament but being Arabs they got lazy and settled. Talking about retelling stories, the Haditha claim that the Virgin Mary's father's name was Imran (Prosperity), an Arab, and Maryam really means female servant of Allah, the camel, er, female version of Abdallah.

Honor Killing

Here's another nice bit of divine guidance for true Musclemen. Sura 9 At-Tawba (The Repentance) calls for unbelievers to be killed (9:5), and don't be careful. Oh, I already mentioned that. Okay, it's only if they refuse domination and paying the jizya tax, to be explained later. Verse 6 says that Christians who call Christ the son of God are deluded away from the Truth, and Allah's curse be on them, so much for the 1.5-2.1 billion Christians living today, sorry, no psychiatric discharges for monks. In fact over 90% of the suras make reference to how Allah hates non-Muslims and is going to torment them for eternity in Hell, while nowhere does it even permit Muslims to love them. Contrast this with the Christian God: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love" (1 John 4:8). Who would you rather not live next door to? Speaking of the oxymoron of Muslim love, do you remember reading from time to time about Muslim honor killings, for example by a parent when a child converts to Christianity, marries without permission, has unmarried sex, or even wears immodest clothes, favorite techniques being burying or burning alive, beheading, or electrocution, I guess Muslims view their women as lower than shit, only to see Muslim spokesmen claim it's not supported by the Quran? Wrong, see Sura 18 Al-Kahf (The Cave), verses 60-82, which tells the story of the journey of the Green Man Khidr with Moses, during which Khidr murders a young man for honor and then explains the holy wisdom of it, namely, that he might grow up to be an unbeliever so why wait. Future caliph #3 Othman (Uthman) (Usman) ben Affan (579-656) gave Muslims a healthy lesson when he buried his own daughter alive, and as he was covering her with dirt, some got on his beard, and she reached up to wipe it off, which didn't stop him from finishing, after which he uttered the soundbyte "It was the only time in my life that I ever shed a tear." Of course this was before converting to Islam, the coverup is complete. Whether the Quran supports it or not, it sure doesn't stop it, as proven by how it continues to rage unabated to this very day by Quran-thumpers in Afghanistan (Feb. 2010), Pakistan (Jan. 2010), Turkey (Feb. 2010), and even Netherlands (2003) and England (1999), and the U.S. (2008), did I say the U.S. (2009), Islam, you're under world arrest, I wish. According to the U.N. in 2000, there are 5K honor killings every year, and they're probably underestimating it.

Oozing Heart Oozing Blood Jihad in Arabic Jihad Jihad Jihad Jihad Jihad Jihad Jihad Jihad Jihad Jerry Capt. Jack Sparrow

Speaking of love and Islam in the same breath, Muslim disinformation artists love to tell you that the scary word Jihad means only each Muslim's internal struggle, and somehow a bunch of Muslims have been going around framing Islam on being a religion of war and oozing blood because they want to go to Hell instead of Paradise, and don't want to keep the struggle inside in their hot squirting hearts. Sure, it takes an internal struggle to ditch God for Satan and steel oneself to the horrible war and oozing blood you yourself will cause. But there's also the greater, er, lesser jihad, which means just what we thought all along, the expansion of Muslim-ruled territory by holy war, Capt. Jack Sparrow, last pirate. Whatever jihad is, it's not optional. As the Quran puts it "Jihad is enjoined for you, though you dislike it; and it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you - Allah knows, you don't" (Quran 2 al-Baqara (Heifer), verse 216). Hmmm, I think Allah wants you to wage war in your soul and on Earth at the same time, all the time, one or the other or both, there's never a timeout, the saints always go marching in. While zero of the New Testament is devoted to promoting violence, 9% of the Quran, 21% of the Hadith, and 67% of the Sira are devoted to the subject of Jihad, giving a combined avg. of 31%. In 2009 ex-chief justice of Saudi Arabia Sheikh Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Humaid (1908-) (who despite being blind since infancy memorized the Quran by heart) pub. an article letting the cat out of the bag, saying that jihad is "the best thing one can offer voluntarily" to Allah. "It is superior to nonobligatory prayers, fasting, Zakat, Umra and Hajj... The benefits of Jihad are of great extent and large in scope, while its effects are far-reaching and wide-spreading as regards Islam and Muslims. For an individual Muslim, Jihad includes all acts of worship and all aspects of belief, thus bringing him greatest reward and vast blessings, and for the Muslim nation" yada yada. He then lists three forms of jihad: with the heart (intentions or feelings), with the hand (using weapons), and with the tongue (speeches). With the hand, as in whap! off with your infidel head. Actually, the life of Muhammad is the model for the Three Stages of Jihad (Stealth, Defensive, Offensive), depending on how strong they are militarily vis a vis the infidels they must subdue to please Allah, think of Pres. Barack Obama as Stage 1 in the U.S., and imagine the worst every time you hear him say "the holy Quran". At least some if not most Muslims are decent enough about it to give you a fair warning by issuing the official Muslim Call to Faith first, as verified by several Muslim authorities and scholars. To quote Tunisian Maliki Muslim authority Ibn Abi Zayd al-Qayrawani (922-96): "Jihad is a divine institution, but its performance by certain people may relieve others from the obligation. We Malikis maintain that it is preferable not to begin hostilities with the enemy before having invited him to embrace the religion of Allah except when he attacks first. They have the alternative of either converting to Islam or begin paying the jizya, failure to do so obligating us to declare war on them." Tunisian Arab superbrain Ibn Khaldun (Khaldoun) (1332-1406), author of the Muqaddimah: "In the Muslim community, jihad is a religious duty [fard] because of the universalism of the Muslim mission and the obligation to convert everybody to Islam either by persuasion or by force." So much for jihad being only an inner struggle, or Muslims moving to the West intending to assimilate and share multifaith facilities, boy do they think modern Westerners are Islam history ignoramuses, poor suckers chained to their desks. Central Asian Hanafi Muslim gee daddy authority Shaikh Burhanuddin Ali of Marghinan (-1196) put it like this: "It is not lawful to war on any people until they are called to the faith and given a chance to embrace it, because the Prophet so instructed his cmdrs... and also because the people must perceive that they are being attacked for the sake of Islam, and not merely for the sake of taking their property or making their children into slaves, and it is possible for them to save themselves from the trouble of war by agreeing to the call." Notice how he said merely. Finally, Andalusian (Spanish) superbrain Averroes (1126-98) settled what to do with pesky unclean inferior Christians and Jews: "Muslims are agreed that the aim of jihad against the People of the Book... is twofold: either conversion to Islam, or payment of jizya." Notice that for modern jizz-soaked atheists and agnostics there is no option of paying jizya, only one option, namely, convert or die like a dog, Nobel Prize winners not excepted, better keep them pocket nukes handy. Even worse, Muslim preaches Al Tarhib wal Targhib, meaning install terror and lure, requiring anybody defying submission to Islam to be made a cruel example of so that the opposite tactic of luring them to go Muslim by promising them Paradise is easier to swallow. Meanwhile the PC police in the West are jumping to defend Muslim civil rights so that later they can be the first ones given Da Call to Faith and you know what. One sage observation is that Islam's approval of polygamy breeds Muslim-on-Muslim war since it creates a herd of disgruntled bachelors who itch to declare the fatcats in the palaces in the harems as infidels so they can get the women as prizes.

Pencil Eraser Cover Up Tattoos Operation Cover-Up 'Cover Up' by George Kahn Spaghetti Noodles Beheading Those Who Insult Islam Scimitar Did Its Job on Infidel

The scariest thing about the Quran is its Doctrine of Abrogation, meaning that Prophet Muhammad can declare his own pronouncements null and void in later pronouncements, with the Medinan Verses following and superseding the Meccan Verses, or vice-versa, depending on what sect you talk to. "Whatever communications we abrogate or cause to be forgotten, we bring one better than it or like it. Do you not know that Allah has power over all things?" (Quran 2:106). A muddier, er, clearer translation is: "None of the Ayat do we abrogate or cause to be forgotten, but we substitute something better or similar: Knowest thou not that Allah hath power over all things?" Actually, Quran 6:34, 6:115, 10:64, and 18:27 say that the Quran is perfect and can never be abrogated, but 2:106 and 16:101 say that it can, hence they must abrogate the first set, match it, match it, match it, thank you, got it. Ayat (singular Ayah) is the Arabic word for miracles or signs from God, which Muslims take each of the suras to be. In other words, not a single verse of the Quran has actually been abrogated, it's just useful for Muslim disinformation artists to soften infidels up when they come upon the bad verses calling for their death, we're really your friends, you need one of us in your organization. And you got it, the Quran isn't arranged chronologically, the verses were shuffled and rearranged with shortest first for easy memorization and nobody ever publishes a chronological edition, they would be beheaded for blasphemy probably, so it takes a lifetime of study to figure out what supersedes what, and all for nothing, since nothing supersedes anything. But if you like to play mental games, try this List of Quranic Abrogations by Muslims, and you'll soon realize that the worse comes last. Notice that Muslims don't publish a Quran with only Muhammad's final pronouncements, especially on violence, they publish all of them, allowing them to play both ends against the middle and take what they want then cover it up later while squatting on their territorial gains. The most famous shot on the bow for infidels they are trying to approach for conversion is the Babe in the Woods Verse Surah 2:256 (al-Baqara the Heifer, moo): "There shall be no compulsion in religion". Whew, I guess Islam is not a scary and violent ideology, I can stay the way I am and they will leave me alone. Bzzz! Dumbass Detector going off. The verse goes on: "Anyone who believes in Allah and denounces the Devil has grasped the strongest bond that never breaks." Then 2:257: "Allah is lord only of the believers, leading them from darkness into light. As for unbelievers, they are ruled by idols that lead them out of the light into darkness, and will end up as dwellers in Hell forever." What does the Quran mean by idols? Duh, one is named Jesus. So, there is no compulsion in religion, because even a boy can shoot a gun at an infidel who won't submit to The Way, which demands Muslim superiority over them. Hence it's virtually impossible to fight it on its own terms, because Muslims are always right, they have the absolute truth, the only light, and you're a piece of shit that hasn't been flushed yet, get it? It's like Strip Poker, in which the first move is chopping off your head, after which they tell your relatives it was suicide. It's like taking a package of straight strands of spaghetti, cooking it, mixing it up, handing it to you, then telling you to make it straight again, no, they'll tell you what it once looked like, meanwhile convert or else so that makes them the authority.

It's like trying to erase sacred text with an eraser that only the true believers possess, and which doesn't really erase. It's like Quantum Mechanics, where the atom breaks the rules instantaneously to change to a new state, then puts them back in place again to keep it that way, how else does Cindy Crawford look so youthful so long, miracle in a bottle? The real question is, why accept this pile of crap in the first place? Ah, that scimitar over my neck, now I see the light, the scimitar is the proof, I better not "insult" Islam, I'll accept any crap you dish out now, I got my mind right boss, let me kiss your foot boss, I'm digging the ditch boss, I'm filling it back in boss, dumbhead is better than dead, this is the religion of peace, mankind's future is so bright it needs shades, when do I get my own scimitar? By the way, Islamic scholars have already straightened the noodles out for us, noting that the peaceful verses were all recited by Big M during the early phases of his career when he was militarily weak and had to play poodle, and that as his career became more successful, the violent verses came out in synch. Let's cut to the chase, Sura #9 at-Tawbah (Repentance), AKA al-Bara'ah (Ultimatum), one of the last revealed, Allah saved the best for last, the only one that doesn't start with "Bismillah", and which was revealed during Muhammad's war jihad, and Verse 5, AKA the Verse of the Sword (VOTS): "When the sacred months are over, slay the infidels wherever you find them. Arrest them, siege them, and lie in ambush everywhere for them. If they repent and begin praying to Allah and render the alms levy, leave them alone, for Allah is forgiving and merciful." According to Egyptian Sunni scholar Imam Jalaluddin al-Suyuti (1445-1505), VOTS abrogates no less than 124 more peaceful and tolerant verses of the Quran. According to his famous Tafsir or Quranic exegesis Tafsir al-Jalalayn (1459-1505), VOTS "was sent down when security was removed by the sword", as in Allah Akbar, whap. According to Syrian Sunni scholar Ismail Ibn Kathir (1301-73), VOTS "abrogated every agreement of peace between the Prophet and any idolater, every treaty, and every term... No idolater had any more treaty or promise of safety ever since VOTS was revealed." She made a mistake, she read the Quran wrong. According to Spanish Muslim scholar Ibn Juzayy (1321-57), VOTs has the effect of "abrogating every peace treaty in the Quran", you can turn it up, you can turn it down, but it's always turned on, the answer is SWT, Sharia Will Triumph with VOTS, final answer. Let's keep it simple stupid. To quote Syrian Sunni brain man Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya (1292-1350), known for his love of visiting Mecca and doing the Kaaba Walk: "For thirteen years after the beginning of his Messengership, he called people to Allah through preaching, without fighting or Jizyah, and was commanded to restrain himself and to practice patience and forbearance. Then he was commanded to migrate, and later permission was given to fight. Then he was commanded to fight those who fought him, and to restrain himself from those who did not make war with him. Later he was commanded to fight all infidels until Allah's religion was fully established." As in worldwide, this is a serious accident, call in Allah Akbar. Now tell me where does moderate Islam come from? Not from Quran-thumpers, but from sellouts who are seduced by the wealth and materialism, science and technology of the Wild West, or outright liars who are buying time.

But I'm jumping ahead. A moderate Muslim is like the fabled unicorn, a Muslim who chucks Muhammad and half of his Quran. Okay, as long as I'm back in today's world, let's talk about Muslim disinformation artists who are busy trying to convince the West that most Muslims are moderate, don't mention the topic of anti-Semitism, and that no real Muslim would be violent anymore, like men don't think about sex all the time when in church, just before, after, and during. Does Elmer Fudd have trouble with the letter R, I'm hunting wabbits? Did I mention Quran 2:85: "Do you, then, believe in some parts of the Quran and deny the truth of other parts? What, then, could be the reward of those among you who do such things but ignominy in the life of this world, and on the Day of Resurrection they will be consigned to most grievous suffering?" Call me an attorney. The bottom line is that the entire Quran is Faradh (binding), every word, every Arabic letter, there's no escape, you can't even flush one little scrap of Allah's pulp fiction down the toilet without being damned by Allah and in danger of furious anger by his believers, like Ezekiel 25:17 in the Quentin Tarantino flick "Pulp Fiction" (the real Ezekiel 25:17 is quite different, but if Tarantino meant the Quran he would be right on). Speaking of toilet paper, Muslim scholar Ash-Shams ad-Din Ar-Ramli (-1004) uttered the soundbyte in his Hihayat al-Mutaj: "It is impermissible to use respected books like those of hadith and fiqh for anal cleansing after defecation (al-istinja'), but non-respected books like philosophy, Torah and the New Testament, which are known as corrupt and which do not contain exalted names, can be used for anal cleansing after defecation." Speaking of toilet paper, in May 2011 shops in Belgium selling Renova brand toilet paper featuring Zodiac symbols for Virgo and Capricorn had to stop after complaints from supremacist Muslims that they resemble Arabic calligraphy for Allah and Muhammad.

Disinformation Smells Like Bullshit

VOTS aside, I guess all the following quotes from the Quran are void whenever a Muslim disinformation artist goes to work on Western govts. to soften them up for mass Muslim immigration, after which when they move in they become valid again. Govt. know-it-alls can skip this paragraph, everybody else should shore read it 10 times at least. At least you'll know where Osama bin Laden got his mind right. Let's start with Sura 2 Al-Baqara (The Heifer): "Those who believe in the Quran, and those who follow the Jewish scriptures, and the Christians and the Sabians, any who believe in Allah and the Last Day and work righteousness shall have their reward with their Lord, on them all be no fear, nor shall they grieve." (2:62). Oh boy, at last, the Religion of Peace, where's my trademark stamp! Too bad, it seems to be just reminiscing about the days of Moses, for it goes on: "But ye turned back thereafter. Had it not been for the grace and mercy of Allah to you, ye had surely been among the lost. And well ye knew that those among you who transgressed in the matter of the Sabbath, we said to them, Be ye apes, despised and rejected." (2.65) Of course, all Jews observe the wrong Sabbath, so that makes all Jews apes, Darwin was right and he was an infidel. Then it really gets down into the nitty-gritty: "Those who reject the faith, and die rejecting it, on them is Allah's curse, and the curse of angels and of all mankind." (2:161) "You may kill those who wage war against you, and you may evict them whence they evicted you... You may also fight to eliminate oppression and to worship Allah freely. But if they aren't aggressing, let there be no hostility except to those who practice oppression." (2:193) Fight anybody not letting you bring Islam to their lands, what are you doing in my apartment, waiting for you, that was enlightening. Yes, I see it now, the Jews make Muslims wage war on them since they evicted them and oppress them, and aren't grateful for all those centuries when Islam ruled the Holy Land and Muslims protected the sacred sites of the Jews and Christians, let's forget about desecrating the Jewish Temple with mosques, thanks for the divine guidance. Let's try Sura 3 Ali-'Imran (The Amramites): "The (only) religion (acceptable) before God is Islam." (3:19) "Let not believers take for friends or helpers unbelievers rather than believers; if any do that, in nothing will there be help from Allah." (3:28) Some of my best friends are Muslims, right, one of many verses commanding Muslims not to make friends with non-Muslims unless for a tactical reason to advance Islam's goals of conquering more territory; they call it the Doctrine of Loyalty and Enmity (Wala wa Bara). "If anyone desires a religion other than Islam, never will it be accepted of him." (3:85) "We will put terror into the hearts of the unbelievers." (3:151) (That's right, the Quran commands true believers to become TERRORISTS) "You are the noblest community ever raised up for mankind." (3:110) I'm feeling more holy already, pass the swords. Let's try Sura 4 Al-Nesaa' (Women): "The true believers fight for the cause of Allah, but the infidels fight for the Devil." (4:76) Fight means with what, weapons? "If they turn back from their Islamic faith, then take them and kill them wherever you find them, and choose no friend or helper from among them." (4:89) Once you join, you can't quit or they murder you like a wild animal, how sweet, Muslims can never really love each other since one mistake and they have to kill you, and who's the judge of that, that's the fun part, you are. "I have been ordered to fight with the people till they say, 'None has the right to be worshiped but Allah', and whoever says that, his life and property will be saved by me." (4:196) Otherwise they're forfeit? "The unbelievers are your inveterate enemy." (4:101) After all you've done to us, I hope so. Sura 5 Al-Maeda (The Feast): "The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land. That is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the hereafter." (5:33) Very humane, not. Muslim disinformation artists like to claim that jihadists are actually fasadis, persons spreading mischief (fasad) through the land, who are nothing but criminals, but the trouble is that when they do it in the name for Allah, and target infidels, they have a holy pass in their minds, even if some Muslim regime like Saudi Arabia or Iran executes them for it - either way, infidels get killed by Muslims, who never clean their own house until it's too late, this mixed-up cult breeds the infidel-killing solution at every turn. "Believers, take neither the Jews nor the Christians for your friends." (5:51) "Strongest among men in enmity to the believers wilt thou find the Jews." (5:82) Nice and brotherly, not, I'm memorizing it like a real half-ass. Sura 8 Al-Anfaal (The Spoils of War): "I shall cast terror into the hearts of the infidels, strike off their heads, strike off the very tips of their fingers." (8:12) "It is not you who killed them, but Allah. It was not you who threw [a spear], but Allah. He's just giving believers a test to earn His favor." (8:17) With Allah, there's no genocide because unbeliever territory is just a treasure land for plunder, and Allah is doing the killing not them, then giving him his favor by letting them have the booty, the fast food of Allah. "Allah will sift the bad from the good, so pile the bad on top of each other, all in one pile, then throw it in Hell. Such are the losers." (8:37) "Say to those who have disbelieved, if they cease (from disbelief) their past will be forgiven, but if they return (thereto), then the examples of those (punished) before them have already preceded (as a warning). And fight them until there is no more fitnah (disbelief, i.e., worshiping others besides Allah) and the religion (worship) will all be for Allah Alone [in the whole of the world]. But if they cease (worshiping others besides Allah), then certainly, Allah is All-Seer of what they do." (8:39-40) "If you could only see those who disbelieve when the angels put them to death. They will beat them on their faces and rear ends. Taste the retribution of Hell." (8:50) "Surely the vilest of animals in Allah's sight are those who disbelieve." (8:55) "You shall prepare for them all the power you can muster, and all the equipment you can mobilize, that you may terrorize the enemies of Allah." (8:60) (That's right, the Quran commands all Muslims to be TERRORISTS again, and authorizes them to use all the power and equipment they can muster, incl. NUKES). Notice that it's never like 30 days in jail and a 999 dinar fine, it's always kill him kill him kill him, he's going to Hell, to Hell, to Hell, no limit to the amount of power and equipment you can use, the Earth is expendable, get it? Sura 9 at-Tawbah (Repentance), AKA al-Bara'ah (Ultimatum): "When the sacred months are over, slay the infidels wherever you find them. Arrest them, siege them, and lie in ambush everywhere for them. If they repent and take to praying to Allah and render the alms levy, leave them alone, for Allah is forgiving and merciful." (9.5). Oh, we already covered the VOTS. "Allah has bought from the believers their lives and their money in exchange for Paradise. Thus, they fight in the cause of Allah, willing to kill and get killed. Such is His truthful pledge in the Torah, the Gospel, and the Quran - and who fulfills His pledge better than Allah? You shall rejoice in making such an exchange. This is the greatest triumph." (9:111) The wonderful reward for jihadists and suicide attackers, just a coincidence its 9/111? "Oh you who believe, fight the unbelievers who attack you, and let them see how harsh (stern) you can be; know that Allah is with you" (9:123). I guess you can call it mere self-defense, if it weren't for that harsh part. "Tell the infidels, You can only expect for us one of two good things, namely, victory or martyrdom, while we expect for you condemnation from Allah along with retribution from him, at our hands. Therefore wait, and we will wait along with you." (9:52) Sura 48 Al-Fattah (The Victory): "Muhammad is Allah's apostle. Those who follow him are ruthless to the unbelievers but merciful to one another." (48:29). Sura 98 Al-Bayyinah (The Proof): "The unbelievers among the people of the book and the pagans shall burn forever in the fires of Hell. They are the vilest of all creatures." (98.6) When do I get to the religion of love and peace part? Never, although there are at least 109 verses in the Quran calling on Muslims to war with them pesky non-believers in the false idol they call Allah, in other words, everybody on Earth with any brains and sense, you deserve to be punished I'll say that. A recent analysis of the Quran by the Center for the Study of Political Islam found that 61% of the contents of the Quran speak ill of unbelievers or call for their violent conquest, and only 2.6% show goodwill toward humanity, while 75% of the Sira (bios of Big M) consist of jihad waged on unbelievers, he's the spoiled brat from Hell. The zing is that like all cults, there's one official interpretation for unbelievers, another one for believers. According to the bestselling Ash-Shifa (Healing by News of or Recognition of the Rights of the Chosen One) of Qadi Ayyad ('Iyad) ibn Musa al-Yahsubi (1083-1149), every Quran verse has a for-believers-only Kill Dimension, especially for insulting Prophet M or Allah, it's every Muslim's job to kill kill kill for M & A, since they can't do it themselves but want you to join them in Hell.

Sharia Sharia Sharia Sharia Sharia Sharia Cutting Off Hands

Obviously, this zero intellectual content brainwash Quran code is great for getting them killers off their asses and out there after some pushups to make some more corpses and slaves and bring more zombies into the mosques. So after submitting and forcing everybody we know to submit, and doing them daily prayers, we have plenty of spare time to have orgies on the floor, right? Wrong, what they don't tell you is what you're submitting to, a giant book of rules and regulations longer than your arm, worse than even Jews have to suffer. You see, once Islam has taken over a territory and set up the mosques and towers and got everybody into the cult, the real fun begins of setting up a working tribute-collecting church-state union under horrible Sharia (Shari'a) (Shariah) ("way, path"), AKA the Muslim Din (Deen) ("way of life"), an elaborate code of laws based on alleged sayings and doings of Big M that took several centuries to formulate between killing sprees, give the gift of death, incl. the Hand, er, Hadd Offenses (plural Hudood), the punishment for which entails stoning, lashes, or severing of a hand, and of course beheading for blasphemy, which in modern-day Saudi Arabia gives the govt. regime life-death power over everybody, since they can frame you at any time for "swearing at Allah". The other classes of offenses are Qisas ("retaliation"), incl. murder or bodily harm, in which case the penalty can be the Mosaic eye for an eye, or money, and Tazeer ("fraud"), incl. usury, bribery, adulteration of food, selling haraam (non-halal) food, gambling, insults, abuse, and even contempt of court. Did I mention that Sharia is based on three fundamental inequalities: "the superiority of men over women, of Muslims over non-Muslims, and of free persons over slaves" (Mohamed Charfi of Tunisia), hence in our modern world it must go, it really must go? To be a Sharia-observing Muslim and not be tortured, stoned, mutilated, fined or executed by the horrible Sharia police you can't just get by with your Quran, you also have to cover your ass by studying the Sunna (Sunnah), non-Quranic sayings and doings of Muhammad, taken as gospel, the 17K Hadiths (Ahadith) and the Sira Rasul Allah (Lives of Allah's Messenger), the Muslim biographies of Prophet M, which contradict each other, the first one being written by Muhammad ibn Ishaq ibn Yasar (701-67), called the you-guessed-it Sirat Rasul Allah (Life of Allah's Messenger), which has the famous mwahahaha double entende quote in chap. 398: "Ask them [infidels] for their help and thereby make the religion of Islam agreeable to them, and when you are resolved in the matter of religion concerning fighting your enemy you will have the advantage." Yes, to be a true Muslim you must ape Muhammad's life from his first to last breath, and often Muslim disinfo. artists try to trick non-Muslims into believing that all of Islam can be found in the divinely-inspired Quran, when actually a lot of the most deplorable practices come from the Hadith, which aren't claimed to be divinely inspired per se, just the actions of Muhammad the Final Prophet they describe but can't go without aping. Originally there were 600K Hadiths, but Muslim scholars edited them down to 60K, in nine collections. From them further debate produced six canonical collections of Hadiths, AKA the Authentic Six (Al-Sihah al-Sittah), incl. Sahih al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, Sunan Abu Daawud, Sunan Al-Tirmidhi, Al-Muwatta Malik, Musnad Ahmad ibn Hanbal, Sunan al-Nasa'i, Sunan Ibn Majah, and Sunan al-Darami, with the Sunni favorite being the first one compiled, Sahih al-Bukhari of 7,275 Hadiths (only 2,712 being non-duplicates) by Sunni Persian scholar Muhammad ibn Ismail al-Bukhari (810-70). Of course there is no infallible pope of Islam who claims divine authority to tell you what Hadiths are inspired by Allah or what the rules are, or who's supposed to come up with new ones as new conditions arise, no, Big M was the first and last Muslim who talked to angels, so Muslims vie with each other to set up their own minority groups and schools. Talking about Muslim schools, it takes most people at least 20 years to master all the basic literature of Islam, incl. the Quran, bios of M, Hadiths, four commentaries on the Quran by Sunni scholars Al-Tabari (839-923), Al-Qurtubi (1214-73), Ibn Kathir (1301-73), and Al-Jalalayn (-1459), and the works of the founders of the four schools of Sharia. A schooled Muslim is thus the ultimate learned ignoramus, educated beyond his intelligence, his brain hardened into a topologically-indescribable pretzel with so many contradiction loops that he can turn black white and black white and prove that one plus one equals anything, whatever Allah says it is, Inshalla, and of course he's probably over 30 so nobody under 30 trusts him, nobody beats the king, nobody. Let's not smear them, chuckle. Muslims venerate Moses and Jesus as prophets, but only Muhammad is the final and authoritative prophet, so when there is a contradiction keep your head by killing Jews and Christians to gain Paradise, these two corpses here, they're brothers. To quote Muhammad via another Hadith, Sahih Muslim 19:4366: "I will expel the Jews and Christians from the Arabian Peninsula and will not leave any but Muslims", whadya say Mr. Emotional, are you ready? Sura 5:91 tells believers to abstain from wine and gambling, but it's in the form of a "will you not" not a "thou shalt not", hence most Muslims abstain and some imbibe, incl. modern-day Iran. It's also curious how the Muslim Halal ("lawful") food laws look suspiciously like the Jewish Kosher (Kashrut) ("fit") food laws, talk to your Jewish doctor about alcohol use, liver disease, and a tendency to fall while standing. Both Muslims and Jews insist on cruelly slaughtering animals by slitting their throats, usually sans stunning, although if the knife is sharp enough maybe they don't feel a thing, let's try it on an infidel and ask him. Muslims hate and fear keeping dogs as pets, especially black dogs, which are considered devils by Sunnis because of numerous nutso statements by Big M, but they love to use them as police dogs, Sharia police dogs, that's fun. Maybe the real reason Muslims hate dogs is because they often howl at the muezzins. :) Speaking of Muslim fun under Sharia, according to Muhammad in Quran 33:21, "Allah sent me as a guidance and mercy to believers and commanded me to do away with musical instruments, flutes, strings, crucifixes, and all affairs of the pre-Islamic period of ignorance", and "On the Day of Resurrection, Allah will pour molten lead into the ears of whoever sits listening to a songstress." The Quran is the only music their ears need.

I want to save you about 20 years, so here's some elevating Hadith quotes, further defining Muhammad's final religion of peace and love. According to Bukhari 9:85:77, Muhammad said to the Jews: "If you embrace Islam, you will be safe. You should know that the Earth belongs to Allah and His apostle, me, and I want to expel you from this land." Notice he said the Earth, not just Arabia, the Middle East, Holy Land, etc., bad dreams go away, good dreams stay, forever reversed. So, no matter where the Jews try to hide, there is no place that will be safe as long as they don't give up Judaism and submit to Allah, get it? In comparison, the Muslims' thang about little ole Israel is easily seen to be a con game to draw in sucker support, so get off your act about feeling sorry for the poor Palestinians, Allah doesn't, he wants to know when they're going to implement his orders to expel them devil's spawn Jews from his land, the entire planet, pass me a hooked nose halal ape monkey banana. Bukhari 4:52:176: "You [Muslims] will fight with the Jews till some of them will hide behind stones, but the stones will [betray them], saying 'O 'Abdullah (slave of Allah)! There is a Jew hiding behind me, so kill him.'" I'll work hard and fast to find you the Jews' money you deserve. "Only the Gharkad (Gharqad) (boxthorn) tree would not do that because it is one of the trees of the Jews." This is all quoted in Article 7 of the Hamas Covenant, with it being clearly understood that every last Jew on Earth must be killed in order for Judgment Day to come, after which their judgment will be Hell, but anybody that sick and dumb should've guessed that long before. Bukhari 9.83.17: "The blood of a Muslim who confesses that none has the right to be worshiped but Allah and that I am his final prophet, cannot be shed except in three cases: in Qisas for murder, a married person who commits illegal sexual intercourse, and the one who apostatizes from Islam and leaves the Muslims." The risk in killing Jews and other infidels is clear, nada, so go to it and don't come back till you have a haul of heads for Hellah, four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running Muslim man.

Speaking of throats, Muslims and al-cohol, an Arabic word of course, some sad modern Muslims have actually tried using Muhammad's making of alcohol haraam (forbidden) as proof that he was being inspired by God and not the Devil pretending to be God and calling himself Alcoholla. You see, around 1970 the Western scientific establishment discovered Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, caused by the mother drinking you know what, hence how could Islam be of the Devil when it has saved billions of babies from it, I ask you, step right up and get your prayer mats. At the same time, the Muslim apologists claim that their God is the same one that the Jews worship, because they accept parts of the Old Testament. So what an overwhelming irrefutable argument for Islam, right? Wrong. First, if FAS is the only proof that Muhammad was divinely inspired, why did it take 1300+ years for it to be revealed? What a sales pitch, imagine how many infidels might have seen the light, I guess all them holy murders was a mistake. Second, the God of the Old Testament doesn't make alcohol haraam, on the contrary, wine is celebrated as God's gift to people to make their lives more enjoyable, such as Psalm 104:14-15, which says "Wine that makes glad the heart of man", it's only drunkness that's condemned. So, Muhammad's god must not be that god, it must be some other god. But since there's only one God, it must be some created being of such perfection that he wants to become God and trick humans into worshiping and serving him, in other words, the Devil. Of course Allah's number one order after worshiping only him is to kill anybody getting in the way of setting up Allah Rules Sharia worldwide, and sober soldiers are far more efficient, plus since he is really the Devil he doesn't want people to enjoy life before, during or after conquering and enslaving the world, cakes and cookies just won't cut it, it has to be Sharia Snacks. So why doesn't Allah just prohibit drunkneness, and otherwise prohibit alcohol totally to pregnant women, although scientific studies have failed to find a risk to the fetus when the mother limits herself to 1 drink a day. Oh that's right, a woman must have no enjoyment of any kind, not even a clitoris, just spread them legs, get inseminated, incubate the new Islamic warrior, and turn him over to his masters, then repeat the cycle endlessly, you're a bunch of shameful orifices with a pretty face, bit tits, and two legs. Of course some sick male pedophiles might enjoy doing it with 9-year-old girls, so what if the latter won't enjoy it, the sooner they get to work manufacturing new soldiers the better with Allah Da Devil of Pure Evil. As for science, it's abundantly proven that a drink a day of cool alcohol statistically increases the lifespan. So this argument backfires and proves that Islam is of the Devil, the audience was right, it was Gateway Arch.

Islamophobic And Proud Of It Minaret

But I'm just an Islamophobe, so I better shut up? Islamophobia is a great new scare word, invented by the Muslim Brotherhood front org. Internat. Int. for Islamic thought in N Va. It makes smart people sound dangerous for expressing their thoughts, keep going to the U.N. and trying to make it a world crime, except when a Muslim verbally condemns infidels to Hell, that's part of their religion. Sorry, it's all about them not us. Islam is not just another religion that people practice in private inside their temples or churches or synagogues so we can practice live and let live with them, it's a global domination political ideology wrapped in a religion. They not only make bad neighbors, they're your worst imaginable nightmare. Everybody who doesn't want to submit, die, or pay a punishment tax for life under their bootheels with a thousand deaths threatened for every attempt to think for yourself or insult their infinitely multiplied honor should be afraid of them coming to town. Even when they don't have the power to take over the govt. and set up horrible Sharia yet, they want to deface the entire city in all ways imaginable to make it unlivable for everybody else, call it the ultimate schmucky insolent arrogant intolerance, I'm reaching for one word to cover it and can't find it, oh yes I can, total submission. Their idea of a church is a mosque, which requires a minaret, or hog-calling tower, where the muezzin loudly calls out to the prostrated ass-crack sniffers the silly la-ilaha I'm ill with Allah Sing Along with Bitch "pillar of Islam" brainwash exercise five times every single day as long as they can get away with it. The very idea presupposes that they own the govt. I know that some churches have bells which they tastefully ring only once a week, some more often, but they don't make everybody stop and get down on the ground like an air raid siren five times a day, do they, call it a loud clock. Where did this horrible arrogant degrading idea come from? Didn't I say the Jews? How? Easy. They used to be big in Egypt, you-guessed-it Alexandria, Egypt, where for ages the pagan nitwits there would prostrate themselves to their One God the Sun and his only son on Earth the pharaoh, and the Christians drove them out to Arabia, so call it Jewish poetic justice to make all Muslims into Egyptians who come out in front of the pyramids en masse to bow to the Great Pharaoh in the Sky and think it's the Creator of the Universe, their Jehovah, chuckle, how retro, what maroons, I bet if they flip Allah the bird he will strike them down with lightning. What a good joke there, you Jew guys, an endless Three Stooges short, not. Good move keeping the Moon worship too, that makes it universal and keeps them busy at nights. But the forced daily prayers teach equality of man since everybody from the king down has to do it, and the king has to smell crack like the most mean peasant? Sure, that puts the religious leaders over the secular leaders, making Western-style church-state separation not only unthinkable for Allah-believing Muslims, but deadly to try, ask any ayatollah about what they do to secular shahs. In our modern Western world the minarets must go, they really must go. They should be outlawed under building height codes, and noise ordinances enforced. Make them wear earphone radios at least, sheesh. Too bad, they will likely want to kill you for trying to stop them, that's what the brainwashing is about, to turn them into Allah's marines ready to kick ass 24/7/365, anybody's ass, right in front of your faces, incl. infidel government officials.


In short, Muhammad founded a zombie religion based on mass daily public hypnosis requiring abject prostration, followed by killing of hated enemies as the sure road to paradise for the happy shahids (martyrs), in direct contradiction to the Christian church, which up to now gave sainthood to those persecuted and killed by their enemies while they don't resist, and Jesus, who was known for his famous soundbyte "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44), also, "Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven... And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men.... But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will reward you" (Matthew 6:1-6), which I guess means that he's calling all Muslims hypocrites, so get out that scimitar and lop some heads for Allah.

How about the Jewish Hebrew Bible?; "Don't put your trust in princes or mortal men, who cannot save... Happy is the one who has the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in Jehovah his God" (Psalms 146:3-5). I guess the Bible wasn't quite the deterrent Jehovah thought it would be.

Speaking of Islam having a Mission: Impossible from Allah to conquer the entire Earth, here it is in a famous Muslim famous hadith: "Allah drew the ends of the world near one another for my sake. And I have seen its eastern and western ends. And the dominion of my Ummah would reach those ends." (Sahih Muslim, 41:6904) Hence for non-Muslim Westerners, who are today completely outnumbered by Muslims, so-called Islamophobia isn't bad, it's good and wise, which is why it's also a good idea to scope Islam's history like you're doing, call it Islamosophia.

But let's give the other side a chance. One, it was sure good for Arabia, turning it from an overpopulated backwater desert shithole to a world empire that expanded into the Fertile Crescent by oozing blood and war, Islam the War Religion, conquer their minds as well as their bods. Two, at least the robotification of the masses could be seen to be a path to law and order and peace if if if everybody, and after all, there is one God, that much is sure, never mind that big black idol we'll get to that later, talk to my travel agent, and after Moses and Christ have clearly blown it, it boils down to whether you Arab brothers accept your prophet who's of your house of Ishmael or are content with their prophets who are of the house of pesky Isaac, Jacob and David? Hey, after 2K years of Moses and 600 years of Jesus Christ, so what if you can see the darker side of me, somebody help me through this nightmare, I can't control myself, isn't the world still in a big mess? Try this new Islam stuff, the greatest thing since buttered bread, and try blessing father Abraham 17 times a day to qualify for your government-backed reverse mortgage? Here's how we'll establish eternal law and order, we'll make everybody a cop or sheriff (sharif) who takes an active role 24/7, where church and state are one?

72 Virgins 70 Rolls of Toilet Paper to Each Lucky Muslim in Paradise? Name of Muhammad - looks like a man sitting on a toilet?

One big difference between the Christian Bible and the Quran is the latter's promise to give martyrs 70/72 virgins in Paradise, right? Or was that 72? Didn't I hear that before somewhere in Vikingland? Sorry, it's not in there, it was added later by Syrian Sunni commentator (3rd mention so far) Ismail Ibn Kathir (1301-73) and caught on, whap there goes another zillion heads. Actually, the Quran does promise "houris" or virgins, but doesn't name a number, maybe it's infinite, like rolls of toilet paper, after all, once you've jizzed in a virgin, she's not a virgin anymore is she? Okay, you can give Allah the maximum credit and think of Paradise as Plenty, hence the houris start out virgins then become endless pleasure and breeding machines who never lose their virginity and remain as fresh as unused toilet paper, I guess they don't need tampons, but it's still kind of degrading to women, like where do they come from, why are they here, only for fun and breeding, don't ask. As to the number, if they still take 9 mo. to gestate, that's 270 days, so that better be the bare minimum. Did I mention the 28 boys? "And round about them will be boys of everlasting youth. If you see them, you'd think them scattered pearls." (Quran 76:19). Despite the death penalty being mandated for homosexuality, Muslims enjoy it so much that they have figured out ways to call it something else, particularly when it comes to man-boy love. As the famous Muslim poet Abu Nawas put it: "O the joy of sodomy!/ So now be sodomites, you Arabs./ Turn not away from it,/ Therein is wondrous pleasure./ Take some coy lad with kiss-curls/ twisting on his temple/ and ride him as he stands like some gazelle/ standing to her mate." You guessed it, model prophet Muhammad did it. Too bad, recent work by philologist Christoph Luxenburg indicates that the word houri actually means sheep eyes, er, grapes, especially white ones, get it? This is probably moose hockey designed to make Islam look good, not that a pack of lies can be repackaged and not still be lies. Like the fish story, by Mar. 23, 2013 the number of virgins each lucky Muslim gets is up to 19,604, according to Saudi cleric Muhammad Ali Shanqiti. :) As for women, they also go to Paradise, so what do they get, infinite stud muffins and Welch's grape juice? Sorry, Islam treats women as cattle, so the most they can expect after their earthly hubby ditches them for fresh houris is probably one good old fart who doesn't get it on too often with them because he's so busy with his coy lads. By the way, since an Islamic jihadist martyr is forgiven of all sins from the first drop of blood he sheds, Muslims don't need Western-style morality, but rather Muslim society relies on personal restraints and safeguards such as segregation of the sexes and veiling of yummy women, and the ready release from sex with female slaves, which explains why lucky horny lonely young Muslim men allowed into the unsegregated unveiled West soon spend all day at strip joints and massage parlors until their daddy's allowance runs out, then realize how unlucky they really are, so don't wonder anymore why they suddenly turn jihadist, we gave them no other outlet, put your pants on, let's play. Maybe Muhammad is the real discoverer of the Stockholm Syndrome :) Speaking of apes, the Quran depicts angry Allah as turning Sabbath-profaning Jews into apes and pigs in 2:63-66, 5:59-60, and 7:166. Of course this isn't anti-Semitic, since only those who broke the Sabbath got transformed, and Islamic scholar Ibn Kathir adds that they "only lived on the Earth for three days, for no transformed person lives more than that", which doesn't stop modern Muslims, incl. Muhammad Sayyid Tantawi of Egypt and Sheikh Abd al-Rahman al-Sudayyis of Mecca from calling all Jews the offspring or descendants of apes and pigs. Speaking of the name of Muhammad in Arabic, modern Muslims see it even on a Pampers diaper box.

I'm not being fair, because I failed to quote the Quran where it says "Whoever takes the life of an innocent person, unless it be for murder or for spreading disorder on Earth (mischief in the land), it would be as if he killed all mankind. And whoever saves an innocent life, it would be as if he saved all mankind" - Quran 5:32? Actually, this isolated verse has a context, which Muslim disinfo. artists always omit. Let's read the preceding passage: "On that account we ordained for the Children of Israel", meaning that he was speaking about the Jews not Muslims. And after the passage it goes on: "Then although there came to them our apostles with clear signs, yet even after that, many of them continued to commit excesses in the land." In other words, Muhammad is channeling Jehovah, and claiming that he was really Allah in order to slam the Jewish people from a lofty height, then garbling up some Jewish laws that he barely understands having to do with justice, compassion, and mercy, but not claiming that they're laws for Muslims, quite the contrary, because in 5:32 "mankind" to Allah actually only means Muslims, the rest are Da Enemy. In short, it's a "behave, or else" message to Jews only. Allah has a different set of commands for Muslims. Muslim disinfo. artists who love to quote 5:32 to Islam ignoramuses to make the Quran seem like it's ordering Muslims to be Gandhis always refrain from quoting the following verse Quran 5:33, where Allah gives Muslims their real orders on what to do to pesky Jews along with all pesky infidels who oppose their dear Fuehrer: "The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and his apostle, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the hereafter." What an infinitely loving god Allah is, not. He's the ultimate hate-filled face in the dark evil magic mirror, reaching out to those who have been hypnotized enough to take it in without question. Of course Osama bin Laden and other so-called radical Muslims are just true Muslims doing what Allah commanded here, because "mischief" can also be translated "corruption", that is, corruption of Allah's Law of Sharia, hence in this shrinking world if an infidel nation sends infidel troops to a Muslim nation, that's what it's doing, and the taxpayers supporting them are just as guilty, hence legitimate targets for killing. In Osama bin Laden's own words: "The American people are the ones who pay the taxes which fund the planes that bomb us in Afghanistan... so the American people are the ones who fund the attacks against us, and they are the ones who oversee the expenditure of these monies in the way they wish, through their elected candidates... This is why the American people cannot be innocent of all the crimes committed by the Americans and Jews against us."

By the way, Muhammad stole the quote in 5:32 from Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5 of the Babylonian Talmud Tractate Sanhedrin 37a: "Whoever destroys a soul, it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world", play the Schindler's List music. Let's try another sura: "He who kills a person intentionally, his reward is Hell, he shall remain there forever" (Quran 4.93). You guessed it, it actually says "a believer", but maybe Allah is against al-Qaida and other Muslim terrorists who kill a potload of infidels but get a few innocent Muslims too. Too bad it doesn't order them executed for murder, this is a new type of mousetrap from Ortho, pass the Charmin Ultra Strong. In case you were sleeping through the preceding paragraph, guess what the Quran means by spreading disorder or mischief in Muslim lands? You guessed it, anybody resisting Sharia, which starts out by condemning anybody who isn't a Muslim to Hell, yes, the Quran is perfect when it comes to the evil parts. It's like the Mafia, if any infidel kills a Muslim, it would be as if he killed them all, since the rest are obligated to kill him, and if anyone saves a Muslim's life, c'il vous plait tres bien merci beaucoup. Did I mention the next verse, 5:33? "The punishment of those who war against Allah and His Messenger Madass and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land. That is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the hereafter." That's religious evolution for ya, just 600 years to go from a savior cruficifed for the sins of the world who says pick up your cross and follow me, to an anti-savior who orders his true believers to crucify the world, and says pick up your sword and follow me. The sword or the cross: Johnny Got His Gun times a zillion wars, all caused by this mental A-bomb.

Islamic Slavemaster Islam's Slaves Islam and Slavery Muslim Slave Bazaar Burqa Stifled Veiled Woman

Oh yes, the subjection of women, perhaps the third worst feature of Islam after their oozing blood and war habit and justification of slavery, which I leave you to look up on your own when you get the time, my brains are brawn, I quote Schaff cited above, "Mohammed, by ameliorating the condition of slaves, and enjoining kind treatment upon the masters, did not pave the way for its abolition, but rather riveted its fetters". Let's not forget that Prophet M was portrayed as lily-white, and according to Bukhari 2.141 when he raised his arms "the whiteness of his armpits became visible", get the clothespins out, and he once referred to blacks as "raisin heads", according to Bukhari 1.662 and Bukhari 9.256. According to Islamic scholar Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya, "These are the names of Muhammad's male slaves: Yakan Abu Sharh, Aflah, 'Ubayd, Dhakwan, Tahman, Mirwan, Hunayn, Sanad, Fadala Yamamin, Anjasha al-Hadi, Mad'am, Karkara, Abu Rafi', Thawban, Ab Kabsha, Salih, Rabah, Yara Nubyan, Fadila, Waqid, Mabur, Abu Waqid, Kasam, Abu' Ayb, Abu Muwayhiba, Zayd Ibn Haritha, and also a black slave called Mahran.". I know exactly how this feels. Pivoting on black slave, male, to black slave, female, Sura 23:6 permits Muslim men to have sex with their wives and with female slaves, "those who are rightfully theirs", there's plenty of fish in the sea for Muslim Me. No surprise, in Islam any Muslim slave is superior to a free non-Muslim. When it came to equal rights for women, always-right Prophet Muhamad declared woman an awra, or shameful orifice, saying that her body was composed of 10 shameful orifices that should remain covered by a purdah ("curtain") until the grave covered her and her lacy underalls entirely. To the Christians who say that there are female angels in Heaven, Muhammad has Allah's answer in Sura 43 Al-Zukhruf (Ornaments) 15:21 that this is a blasphemy, with the soundbyte "When one of them is given news of a newborn daughter his face is darkened with misery and anger. What good is a child that is brought up to be beautiful but cannot help in war?" A beautiful animal for drudgery and pleasure to men, shore love that Sharia. Speaking of animals, Muhammad's rival for final prophet Jesus Christ once warned his followers "Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves" (Matt. 7:15). To wolf Muhammad a woman isn't even an animal, let's say a heifer, she's dirt, or to put it his way, this is what we're killing for: "A husband has the right to have sex with a wife like a landowner has to plow his field, any way he likes" - Sura 2 Al-Baqara (The Heifer), verse 223. Maybe that's a mistranslation, maybe the Arabic alone makes you smell the dirt in women's fields, which men own, which is the whole point, in all languages. Some Islamic scholars believe that the Quran even permits incest between a man and some of his daughters, the illegitimate ones, what a great thing it is to be a Muslim man. In fact, the Quran is addressed only to males, with women always being referred to in the third person, e.g., "And when you divorce women" (2.231), "And Allah has made wives for you from among yourselves, and has given you sons and grandchildren from your wives" (16.72), "Enter the garden, you and your wives; you shall be made happy (43.70), baa baa, get it? Let Muhammad tell you so you'll have no doubts: "Allah said, 'It is my obligation to make Eve bleed once every month as she made this tree bleed. I must almost make Eve stupid, although I created her intelligent'. Because Allah inflicted Eve, all of the women of this world menstruate and are stupid." (Tabari 1.280). Speaking of stupid, Muhammad permitted first-cousin marriages, leading to massive inbreeding, which has been going on to this day after 1,400 years or 50 generations, maybe if he had tried a different cave. Speaking of the Quran being a universal message to mankind, it's actually only addressed to Arabs, e.g., "And if we had made it a Quran in a foreign tongue, they would certainly have asked, why have not its communications been made clear? What? A foreign tongue spoken by an Arab to Arabians?", this commercial was brought to you by Meow Mix (Sura 41.44 Fussilat (Signs)). Not that women weren't treated as cattle forever in the past in Arabia, but now he tied it to his monotheist absolute truth forever for the future. One nice feature of marriage for men is the Triple Talaq, the ability to divorce your wife just by saying "Talaq" (I divorce you) to her three times, although that is so bad that even many devout modern Muslim nations (mainly Sunni) ban it. Back to women having to hide their skin as if it were a sin. There's the Muslim burqa (full body covering), or jilaabah (plural jilbab) (long loosely-fitting garment-cloak) combined with hijab (head covering, literally curtain), or abaya ("cloak") (worn in the Arabian Peninsula), and/or more risque khimar (head and neck scarf), and niqab (face veil), for starters. Not that any of these are specifically commanded in the Quran, but it's not commanded to not do it, leaving men in charge either way, although Sura 33:59 Al-Ahzab (The Clans or Parties) says "O prophet, tell your wives, your daughters, and the wives of the believers that they shall lengthen their garments (jilbab). Thus, they will be recognized (as righteous women) and avoid being insulted." Did you buy a new dress for our date tonight and leave the price tag on? No, the Quran doesn't leave a lot of room for maneuver for inferior women under all that clothing. Or men either, although they are never commanded to not insult uncovered women. Did you know that after 1400 years of theological non-evolution, Quran-thumping senior Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi on Apr. 16, 2010 proclaimed that shameless uncovered women cause earthquakes, wham bam thank you maam, chemistry to me isn't necessarily romance and love. Did I mention The Stoning of Soraya M.? Let's not worry about this fine godly full of Shiite Sharia country having a nuclear arsenal, 99 Boxes of Infidel Crunch on the Wall. But that's because Islam, like Judaism, is based on obligations rather than faith, the do's and don'ts affecting every moment of your life, unlike Christianity. To set the example, Big M ordered women he captured in battle and whom he forced to be his wives to cover up and wear da veil that's like a license plate saying previously owned, whereas those captive women he and his army used as sex slaves were not required, making the lack of a veil become the sign that a woman is a lady or a ho. Thus was born the inherent equality of all people, not, rather the inherent inequality between Muslim and non-Muslim, male and female, and free and slave, all said with a face and body blanket, usually black, making a beautiful woman into a walking coffin that isn't allowed to do anything without her male owner's permission, while she lives like a mole in an unhealthy sunless cloth cage, for a laugh ask her to try eating spaghetti. Yah, that's something to fight and conquer the world for, go Morocco. Of course men have oral fellatio, er, shameful orifices too, but less of them, so that proves that God made them superior and put them in charge. "Asking a Moslem about his women is like asking him about a secret vice" - Oriana Fallaci (1929-2006), yes she's a real person even if her name sounds like oral fellatio. Timeless Sharia permits wife-beating (Quran 4:34), flogging for a woman for fornication or even going out with her head uncovered, and beheading for adultery, and has really done a number on all women by rigging rape laws so that the woman victim ends up getting put on trial not the male perps, check your local news from Muslimland. Don't even ask what Sharia does with gays and lesbians, it starts with whap. Did I mention Egypt? You got it, Islam makes women into walking mummies while their male mental slaves bow to the Great Pharaoh in the Sky and thank him for everything incl. their penises. How's this for guidance on sexual equality? A son's inheritance should be twice that of a daughter (Quran 4:11), and the testimony of a woman is worth half that of a man (Quran 2:282), the religion where romance isn't a must. Even cannibalism of vanquished infidels is permitted by Islam according to some scholars, as we see today in Syria, based on the story of "Sword of Allah" Khalid bin a-Walid (-642), who killed Arab chieftain Malik bin Nuwayra, raped his wife, then cooked his head in a pot and ate it.

Did I mention that later on Muslims even attempted to frame the Bible on predicting Muhammad's coming, while forgetting they claim it's corrupt and not to be trusted, between wiping the Christian and Jewish blood off their swords? The more learned a Quran-thumper gets about the Bible, the more ignorant he gets, for example twisting Jesus commands to the Twelve to "Go not the way of the Gentiles, but to the lost sheep of Israel" (Matthew Ch. 10), along with "Think not that I have come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it" in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:17-18) into proof that he didn't come to found a new religion like Muhammad did, only to act as Allah's mouthpiece for some new moral teachings, although at the same time these same teachings are regarded as pure b.s. since they don't jive with Sharia. To show how low they go, they take one word out of Song of Solomon 5:16 and try to twist it into the name Muhammad, don't take my word for it, watch a great YouTube from a modern-day learned Muslim ignoramus. Did I mention that to be a Muslim one must love Muhammad more than oneself (Quran 33.6), else one's iman (inner conviction) isn't complete? After all he had a good sense of humor, get the one about grabbing Zahir from behind in a market and asking if anyone will buy this slave, why ain't I laughing? The Bible did predict his coming, as the Antichrist, pardon me while I puke.

By the way, Muhammad never claimed that Islam was a new religion, he claimed he was restoring the original one true religion of Abraham, Moses, David, Solomon, and Jesus in easy-to-understand Arabic, hence Sharia is actually his take on a restoration of the church-state union of the ancient state of Israel, and the only arguments he has with Jews are about himself being the final prophet, which tribe is the one that is chosen, what the promised land is, you guessed it, everything, and exactly who this Allah dude is, exactly, I got a case of exactlies, my face smells exactly like my ass, taste the unbucket side of KFE, he was a goddamned liar. Oh did I mention Kill, Fuck, and Eat? What Islam really is, is an inversion or mirror image of worship of God into worship of Satan under the name of Allah, with what they really worship being the trinity of Kill, Fuck, and Eat, as in kill to get what you want, and what you want is to fuck and eat the wealth of your victims, so you gang up first and kill anybody in your way, the only way to avoid being killed is to submit to the gang, and it's a recursive algorithm, meaning it applies to all the progeny, hey get back in the game like I did. The part about the paradise is a con game for those at the bottom of the pyramid, they're all expendable, the game is to rule the whole Earth, after which nobody can ever stop it. Once you work your way up to the top you will be initiated into the real truth, no different than any Illuminati cult who really worship Lucifer AKA Satan, who must and I mean has to stop that pesky Jesus and his big plan any way he can. The secret code is TING + TANG = IMAGE. Translation: There is no God, There are no Gods, I myself am God existing, in the corporate form of the worldwide nation of Islam, can you handle the truth, I can tell you but then I'd have to kill you after I fuck you, after which I'll eat you. Actually, that's Satan's formula, how he decided to make himself God, and his greatest trick is making you believe he doesn't exist and that you can become as gods, but in Islam's case, not individually like the ancient Greek and Roman gods, but as a collective, Uma Oprah Oprah Uma, pull my finger. But enough kibbutzing from the sidelines, let's dig into the details of historical Islam in action, as launched into the world from Arabia in the day, only on the Historyscoper Channel, parental discretion advised.

Back to the Muhammad story. In 613 Momma's-good-looks wild-imagination-college-education Ultimate Prophet Muhammad began his public preaching on the streets of pagan Mecca, hoping to have an easy time shocking and aweing the polytheists into monotheism once he explained how Hubal, er, Allah had made the Arabs the Chosen People, his unbelievable talent is only matched by the size of his heart. At first tolerant polytheist Mecca allowed him to preach, until "he spoke disparagingly of their gods. When he did that, they took great ofence and resolved unanimously to treat him as an enemy." - Hadith Ibn Ishaq, 167. So it didn't take too well, and was slow going. He'd need to hone his act and get some new props.

King David and Abishag

In 619 while holed-up in the mountains around Mecca with his followers, going-on-50 Prophet Muhammad went through his Year of Sorrow as his beloved uncle Abu Talib (b. 549) (his chief protector in Mecca) died, followed by his rich wife Lady Khadija (his first convert to Islam), leaving him four children, all female (daughters of her first hubby?), Zainab, Ruqaiya (Ruqayyah), Umm Kulthum, and Fatimah, after sons Qasim (d. 605) and Abd-Allah (d. 615) died in infancy or childhood. He then married 55-y.-o. true believer widow Sawda bint Zama ibn Qayyis ibn Abd Shams in Shawwal. Meanwhile the lonely prophet, "as many men do in their declining years, he developed a disagreeably strong interest in women" (H.G. Wells), AKA midlife crisis, and proceeded to increase his harem to a total of 11 wives, who were later given the Muslim title "Mother of the Believers", because of the Quran verse "The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves, and his wives than their mothers", meaning that Muslims can't marry his widows since it would be like marrying their own muddahs. In case you wondered, Big D, er, Big M had "the strength of thirty men" in bed, allowing him to service them all by visiting them "in a round during the day and night." (Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 1, Book 5, Number 268) The lucky babes included Aisha (Ayesha) (Arab. "the one who lives") (614-78), daughter of enthusiastic supporter Abu Bakr, whom he married at age 6, she had no say, then ignobly waited to consummate at age 9 before her first menstrual cycle, showing that it's Allah's will to be a holy pedophile as long as her hairless clitorisless vagina can handle your grown man's prick, that's Muslim girl power. Hey don't blame this on Arabs, this caused a furor even in his day. For the three years when he couldn't penetrate her, he satisfied his holy lust with Mufa' Khathat, thighing and climaxing on her clothes, then making her wash them, imagine his place in Heaven alongside Jizzus and Mary now. The real reason he had to wait three years is that it took that long for his caravan robbing biz to make enough to pay her dowry? Recently (Jan. 29, 2011) David Liepert argued that the hadith claiming she was a green peach are wrong, and that she was really a woman when Muhammad married her, and the Arabians are too dumb to read Arabic, maybe he thinks we non-Muslims have the word dumb peach stamped on our foreheads. Speaking of Mary, another of his wives was you-guessed-it Mary, an Egyptian Coptic Christian concubine who bore him a boy, Ibrahim, who later died, his subsequent showing of favoritism to Mary causing a mutiny in his harem. Another of his wives was Juwayriyya (Juvairah) bint al-Harith (608-72) (wife #8), the captured wife of his enemy Mustafa bin Safwan, who was killed in battle, and who became the booty of Thabit until 58-y.-o. Big M magnanimously took the old gal (20-y.-o.) on in 628. Another was Safiyya bint Huyayy (610-70) (wife #11), the wife of a Jew that he had captured and executed that same evening after picking her out of a lineup of captive women, see outtakes of "Schindler's List". Did I mention that the Quran says 91 times that Muhammad is the perfect Muslim, the pattern for all Muslims, indeed, the only pattern acceptable to Allah? In Arabic, he's the Insane Camel, al-Insan al-Kamel (al-Kamil), I didn't make this up, at Farmers we make you smarter about your insurance, 91 reasons to burn your copy. Speaking of 628, about that year he raided the Banu Fazara pagan tribe at Wadi Al-Qurra, and brutally murdered old woman chief Umm Qirfa by "putting a rope into her two legs and to two camels and driving them until they rent her in two" (Al-Tabari), that's why the Chiefs hate zone defense. By the way, the horrible example Muhammad set with Aisha is sometimes excused by Muslim disinformation artists by pointing to Jewish King David, who in his old age asked for young virgin Abishag to lie beside him at night to keep him warm, but the Bible is very careful to state that he had no intimate relations with her and never tried to put a ring on a finger and start shagging her or anything else, not that her age was even mentioned, she must have been in her teens at least, sorry (1 Kings 1:1-3). Talking about horrible examples, he even married his own daughter-in-law Zainab after ordering her hubby Zaid (his adopted son) to divorce her by producing a new made-to-order verse for the Quran outlawing adoption. Too bad, his friend, the freed slave Salim was the adopted son of Abu Huthayfa and his wife Sahla, and thus couldn't live with her in the same house anymore, causing her to complain to Muhammad, who told her to start breastfeeding him so that he becomes her son again, to which she complained "But he is a man with a beard", to which M&M replied "I know that", snicker snicker. So even to this day, learned Muslim clerics suggest that men suck women's tits to get around laws against gender mixing, imagine the noises in a Muslim office or university classroom. No, Muslim women can't suck men's dicks for the same purpose, since that would make them their wives not their daughters, who said that they studied Islam for years and still couldn't tell the difference between their god Allah and the Devil? Speaking of sucking tits, how about fondling them the Prophet way, and it's free? "Whenever Allah's Apostle wanted to fondle any of us during our periods, he used to order us to put on an Izar (dress worn below the waist) then start fondling us." - Bukhari 1.6.299. Which included his baby wife Aisha, ah ah ah. The more you know about the divine M the worse he gets, no cartoons needed.

In 620, his cult being persecuted by the unapologetic pagans of Mecca, loser Muhammad left the mountains and sought refuge in the neighboring town of Tayf, but was driven out with stones, and returned, licking his wounds. Just then the inhabitants of Yathrib (pop. 15K) 250 mi. to the north, an oasis town inhabited by Yemenites (many of them Jewish, guess which tribe), having embraced his One True God teaching (probably because of Jewish proselyting), and hearing of him on their pilgrimages to Mecca, sent him an invitation to come and rule them and become their next Brigham Young, not knowing he'd become the Arab Hitler, the Dark Cave is going to be a great tourist trap, let's buy the stock now. But he was a shrewd dude, and began a nearly 2-year parley with them, sending his reps in advance to make sure it wasn't a trap, after which in 621 Muhammad, safe in throbbing Yathrib and well-fucked with all his hot new wives, allegedly achieved full spiritual enlightenment, with the big year 666 right ahead, the tribe has spoken. On his flight, his camel al-Qaswa rests at Quba' 3 mi. SE of Medina, and he builds Masjidu 't-Taqwa (Arab. "mosque of piety"), the world's first mosque, which becomes the #3 most important mosque after the ones at Mecca and Medina, with Jerusalem coming in #4; it was only after the pesky Jewish state of Israel was founded that the hardcores starting claiming that Al-Aqsa is #3.

'Killer Klowns from Outer Space', 1988

When I say full spiritual enlightement, I mean the grand tour, the Isra and Mi'raj night journey and ascension to heaven from either Mecca or Jerusalem ("the farthest mosque" - Quran 17:1) (later taken as Jerusalem when it was discovered that it wasn't otherwise mentioned in the Quran, and Muslims needed a reason to keep it from the Jews) on the winged miracle mule Buraq (Burak) ("lightning") in the 12th year of his mission (621), where of course he met his fellow prophets, incl. Abraham, Moses and Jesus, and Allah himself, the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and not only wasn't struck dumb in the presence of Allah, but talked him down from fifty to five prayers a day like a good Arab wheeler-dealer, then refreshed, came back on his Mission from God to kick the whole planet's butt and kill everybody that won't get down on their faces facing the Big Black Cube five, count 'em five times every day and bare their necks so that there will be total Body Slam. When he returned, his friend Abu Bakr immediately accepted his story, even without a group photo or even an autograph (no wonder Muslims can't stomach a Muhammad cartoon, it would show him up), causing him to receive the name The Dumbass, er, Us-Siddiq (The Truthful). While in Jerusalem, Muhammad prayed at the rock where the Al-Aqsa ("farthest") Mosque was later built, which could also be where he got the pray five times a day command. For the next 16-1/2 mo., this was the direction for Muslim prayers, until he changed it to Mecca, 800 mi. away, guess which direction their ass cracks face when they're praying in Jerusalem. Coincidentally, the Christian bedrock principle of Original Sin, that all people are born in sin and are unworthy of approaching God until their sins are forgiven through Christ was neatly chucked, since Muslims don't 'get' the Christian idea of Redemption, that Christ can suffer and die for somebody else's sins, much less everybody's, despite claiming to believe in the Bible book of Isaiah 53:5, which says something about by his wounds we are healed, must be a translation problem, and now every sin-soaked pedophile killer raghead can approach Allah if they pray five times a day with clean ass cracks and then take orders from him to be his kill tools and make the blood of cross-kissers flow for Jesus himself, chuckle, you gotta be an Arab to be this dumb. Talk about dumb, Muslims even claim that Isaiah predicts that Jehovah will reject the Jews and embrace the Arabs and Islam. Oops, I mean Allah, the Jews changed his name to protect their stocks. I guess the Jews perverted the Christian Bible too where it says Jesus is the only name among men by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12). Oh I get it, Jews don't read that stuff, neither do Arabs. Oh, but some Jews do. In Islam, a person starts out with a clean Sin Slate, then Allah keeps a tally of sins and good works until he dies, and passes him if his good works such as killing infidels outweigh his sins such as lying, cheating, stealing, raping, etc., that's why so many take the killing-infidels route to make sure their sins are in, in fact, you pretty much have to kill some infidels, get it, there is no such thing as a moderate Muslim, keep it within yourself, your teammates played a hell of a game today. Actually, since most of the Bible is about how most Jews betray Jehovah for false gods, and the Jews made the very name Jehovah verboten, and then rejected Christ as their Messiah despite Isaiah's prophecies that he would be rejected by the Jews, and Christ seemingly never used the word Jehovah, only Lord, and cried "Eloi" on the cross, and Islam claims to be the one true religion whose Quran wasn't created like the Jews', and that all Jewish prophets were really worshipers of Allah, and the Bible does have this second god called El right in Genesis, and the idea of a man who is God's son is blasphemy in Judaism, which is why they reject Christ and would actually probably back Muhammad if he were of their tribe, remember they loved to stone adulteresses too until Jesus called them on it, it's like the ultimate love-hate triangle, call it a Holy Menage a Troi, something tells me the only way to settle things is to stage the Big Event: Christ v. Antichrist, and see who wins. Oh, that's one thing both religions agree on, how do I get off this planet first?

Which brings us to the year 622, the Hijra (Hegira) ("flight"), the migration of Muhammad and his followers from Mecca to Medina. On July 16 having entered Mecca for the yearly shindig, and the elders plotting to murder him, breaking the law of sanctuary, with every family in the city except his approving the murder in advance, they rush into the room of you-guess-it Muhammad, only to find his adopted son Ali sleeping in his bed; Muhammad then begins his Hejira (Hegira) (Arab. "flight"), fleeing Mecca, then feinting first S, then N, arriving on Sept. 20 in Yathrib, which is renamed Medinat al Nabi (Medina) (Arab. "city of the prophet") (not Muhammad-dina?) where he stays with Abu Ayyub al-Ansari (Khalid ibn Zayd ibn Kulayb) (576-674), offers forgiveness to the Sa'alik, the robbers and thieves that for cents. had been banished from Arab cities and holed-up in the mountains, living by raiding and looting, and clearly adopting their lifestyle (while secretly plotting to tame them after they subdue his enemies?), then arbitrates a blood feud between the Aw and Khazraj tribes, and signs the Constitution of Medina with all the tribes there, incl. polytheist and Jewish ones creating the first Muslim Ummah ("nation"), (Islamic theocratic community), consisting of the muhajirun (Meccans who followed Big M to Little M) and the ansar (Medinan converts), requiring them all to help each other militarily while referring all disputes to himself; one of the first converts to Islam was Abu Dhar al-Ghifari al-Kinani (-652), head of the Banu Ghifar, who live entirely by pillaging, who converted in Mecca and started preaching in front of the Qaaba, only to be beaten, then returned to his clan, talking them into converting to Islam and moving to Mecca, giving Muhammad a ready-made army of thieves who allowed him and his Muslims to live off others' sweat permanently; both Mecca and Medina are on the W side of Arabia in the Hejaz (al-Hejaz) ("the barrier"), a strip bordering the Red Sea extending from Haql on the Gulf of Aqaba in the N to fig-producing Jizan in the S, I guess them Arabs love their jizz; Muhammad at first thinks that the three Jewish tribes in Medina, the Banu Nadir (date farmers) tribe, the Banu Qaynuqa (blacksmith) tribe, and the Banu Qurayza (wine merchants) tribe will embrace his new religion, studying in their study halls, incorporating many of their customs incl. abstention from pork and the fast of Yom Kippur into Islamic ritual, and designating Jerusalem as the Muslim prayer direction, as after all they taught him monotheism in the first place, and they told him how that pesky Jew bastard Jesus of Nazareth claimed to be their Messiah but was given due process of law and executed for blasphemy and treason, and how his body was stolen by his followers so they could claim he rose from the dead to make dupe converts, and how it's been 600 years, so the real Messiah, him, must be due; too bad, when they prove stiff-necked like they did with Jesus, and tell him he's Looney Tunes and insult Da Prophet to his face, he gets pissed-off, orders his followers to murder and behead Jewish poet Kab ibn al-Ashraf, head of the Banu Nadir (date farmers) tribe, and decides to whack them like all infidels to prove how he's better than both them and Jesus, ordering his followers to kill every Jew they can, and begins raiding the caravans of Mecca, always unsuccessfully, preferring to set out on Thursdays, preferring to start out in the opposite direction of his intended target to fool spies.

Starting Gun Big Number 622

Muslims date history from this July 16, 622 event (Muharram 1, 1 A.H.) because it's the first time that Islam existed as a religious-social-political system with a military leader directing the killing of innocent people with their knickers in a twist, and not just a personal faith. Notice that I said political-religious-social system. There is no room for separation of mosque and state, sorry, it's about total world domination, the World Mental AIDS Plague is loosed. The Muslim calendar consists of a 354-day guess-what-lunar year with 12 months of 29-30 days, which is never corrected so that religious days fall eventually in all seasons, and there's no escape, mwuhahaha.

Ass Clown Pennywise the Clown Mt. Hira Cave

Above all, no Muslim wants to Shirk their duty to Allah and relapse into polytheism or man worship, give me your Jewish girl infants and I'll do 'em proud. After all, his Allah told him that anybody who doesn't believe in him will be tortured forever in Hell, but Allah doesn't do any killing himself, he's an impotent Ass Clown in a cave, no, you my puppets must do my killing for me, and I'll be waiting in Hell to, er, that makes Allah into Stephen King's Pennywise the Ass Clown, AKA the Devil, don't tell anybody, suckas. Them Jews is hated by everybody, so killing them off will be wildly popular, and as for them whiny Christians, who guilt-tripped the pagan Romans and turned them sick inside with empathy, sorrow, conscience, etc., the Devil's new religion will turn it all against them as Muhammad's Terminators will actually get their mental dope fix by lopping their praying heads off and shouting Ass Clown is the Greatest, send me to Hell, stick me up the Devil's ass. Call it a test of their faith, but if Christians have to turn to the Devil to defeat us Muslims, they lose by winning, can't they read St. John's Revelation where their Christ predicts that we will take over the whole world (Rev. Ch. 13), and that only his personal arrival with an army of angels can stop us? (Rev. Ch. 19) What was that Christ said long before Kutam was shitting yellow? "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world if he loses his own soul?" (Mark 8:36). Yes, let's call his bluff, why not, I got 666 reasons that says Jesus is a fraud, and if so we got ourselves a world, even if it won't be fit to live in because we'll all be slaves of the Devil, I will be long gone from Earth and ruling with him at his left side in Sucker Paradise Hell. That's why the Devil sent the Big Black Cube down about the time of Christ, as his countermove? Check back with me after Armageddon if you can.

Jesus Christ (-4/-2 to 31/33?) Big Boom Chi Rho Symbol of Christ Second Coming of Christ Second Coming of Christ Archangel Michael Slays Satan

Speaking of revelations and Armageddon, the test of a true revelation from God must be that it can predict the future, right? Welcome to Chez Nous, may I take off your chapeau, monsieur? The Cave Sura (18 Al-Kahf) is the one that claims that Allah revealed the Quran in the Dark Cave in order to remove the errors that had crept into his own scriptures that were being thumped in Muhammad's day by pesky Byzantine Christians and Jews, and warns those who ascribe a son to God that by doing so they are incurring Allah's wrath and will go straight to Hell. Besides, true Christians will hate Islam, but their end will not be like their beginning, because the Cave Sura also contains Islam's End of Days predictions, just as accurate as the rest of the Quran. You see, in the Big Inning these pesky Bible-thumping Christians were weak and suffered bitter persecution from pagan Romans, but Allah had mercy on them and delivered them from their trials and tribulations and put them on the road to progress and prosperity, but after they grew rich and prosperous they descended to idolatrous practices, and instead of turning to Allah they turned to the world and became entirely lost, so screw them and don't pay taxes. Thus true believer Muslims are warned to learn by example and not end up rich and prosperous like them busy bee Byzantines and money-grubbing Jews, which is a safe bet if they do all them prayers and waste all that time and energy memorizing the Quran then trying to figure out what supersedes what. The Cave Sura proceeds to mention the great dispensation given to Moses in his vision, and how it was incomplete, but now Allah's new dispensation of Salami Salami Baloney Islam will bring to perfection and completion Moses' incomplete teaching and emerge triumphant from the ashes (make a note) of decadent Christendom, sounds suspicously like a pissed-off Jew talking in a sock puppet doesn't it? Of course the infallible Allah describes the conditions which will follow the final total triumph of Islam, namely, a time when Muslims would also turn their backs on religion and become engrossed in the pursuit of material wealth and power like the Saudi royal family, and that to punish them of their sins Allah would once again grant success and prosperity to Christian nations which for a time had been restrained from advancing into their regions, after which a great destruction will be brought upon the world, the nations will split into two hostile camps wedded to opposite ideologies, with sin and inequity being the hallmark of the non-Allah camp, after which Allah will create circumstances that finally check the seemingly irresistible flood threatening to engulf the entire world. In passing, Mankind Back to the Stone Age Cave Sura hints that the same people will play an important part in arresting and stopping this flood who had once before broken the political power of evil Gog and Magog, which Jews believe to be the descendants of Noah's son Japheth, and Bible-thumping Christians believe to be the modern nations that will back Antichrist in the End of Days and try to destroy them, so obviously the final conflict will be an all-out Armageddon between Christians and Muslims where blood flows in oceans while the Jews sit on the sidelines and cheer, or play both sides against each other, or maybe get caught in a sandwich, the Bloody Meat Trinity. The Christians believe that the Antichrist will also attack the Jews, and when they're about to be destroyed they suddenly loosen their stiff necks and finally accept Christ, who saves them all, I don't care if you're a butler or chiropractor, I love you. Incidentally, the Quran's own prophesy of two irreconcilable world camps doesn't seem to encourage mass Muslim immigration to the West, now does it, maybe they'll read this and all go back despite the gift certificate offers to stay from Western history ignoramuses. Obviously the real Great Satan and Little Satan are Sunni and Shiite Islam. Either way, let's hope the Age of Religion ends before any of the three God-believing holy-book-thumping camps get a chance to fulfill their own bloody prophesies and ruin the world. It's horrible End of Days prophesies that keep all these holy book religions going, isn't it?

Speaking of holy books leading to belief in One God, and how it depends on which versions to believe and what it makes you do. In case you think I'm being one-sided in portraying Allah as pure evil, the Devil disguising himself as God, the Muslims have their side, namely, that Allah is God, and it's the fear of God that makes them do what they do, starting with publicly bowing and praying to him, maybe they think he then owes them something, and obeying the zillion rules and regulations of Sharia, and killing infidels to spread the turf for Sharia rule and its Muslim supremacy, which can at least be commended for not calling for the utter extermination of all Jews and Christians as long as they accept Muslim supremacy and domination and slow strangulation. Yes, fear of Allah, whom they mistake for God, that's the nut to crack, a very hard shell nut indeed, because Sharia forbids proselytizing Muslims and calls for death for proselytizers as well as apostates. Fear fear fear, a fear dog is a hot dog that has been dipped in a batter made of what, fear. Islam is about submitting to God through fear, they're plagued with fear, so respect Muslims for that at least, they're more afraid of God than you, except unlike Christianity's God, who calls on believers to love you, theirs calls on them to hate you, lie to you, and kill you, make that fear what Islam can make Muslims do to you, these God-fearing zombies scare the shit out of me, jeesh, total atheism has another strong argument here, militant atheism that is.

I'm looking for a fox, so let's cut to the chase. Islam was designed by some real smart men to complete the Eternal Triangle with Christianity and Judaism, creating an endless intellectual game of Rock-Paper-Scissors that allows any two to trump the third. For instance, both Jews and Christians can join sometimes to diss Jews for killing Jesus. Jews and Muslims can diss Christians for worshipping a man as a god. Jews and Christians can diss Muslims for worshipping a false prophet, and so on. How can one ever break the Gordian Knot? Simple: win by taking over the world and setting up a govt. that keeps everybody else down. That's why Islam without the goal of world domination isn't Islam, and nothing and nobody can ever change this, sorry. It's also why Christianity without the goal of Christ ruling the world isn't Christianity. Only Judaism doesn't have the explicit goal of ruling the world, but when you think about it, it does, since Jews are waiting for their Messiah to lead them to victory and rule the world from Jerusalem. So they're all nuts and all dangerous, and completely different religions like Buddhism and Hinduism are right in fearing them like the plague and should rightly feel they're on the loser's team. But there's the fourth dimension: atheism. If none of the Big Three succeeds in ruling the world, and haven't destroyed it, it seems inevitable that atheism will rule by citing evolutionary necessity, these are great times to life, let's see what develops.

Actually, from the historyscoping point of view, outside the holy books of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, there is little objective secular evidence for the existence of Moses, Jesus Christ, or Muhammad. It's like three dark alleys, with a big statue in front along with an official explanation book, but total darkness inside the alleys, and if you try to enter to see what really happened, you will be mugged. Meanwhile, if you accept these holy books whole hog, the world is one way, and if you don't, it's a different way, way different, so different that it makes you want to laugh or cry or both. Back to the timeline, based on alleged facts offered mainly by true believers. It's amusing to know these facts so you can understand the believer's mindset at least.

In 623 Muhammad's raiders were finally successful in attacking a small caravan of Mecca, and killing a man, I wouldn't be surprised if it were a Jew. As this was in the sacred month of Rahab, it broke the ancient customary truce of the Arab Amphictyony and caused a big scandal, that'll show them that I don't break the rules I make the rules.

In Jan. 8, 624 Muhammad and 313 warriors defeat an army of 700 Meccans led by Abu Jahl ("Father of Stupidity") (pagan chieftain 'Amr bin Hisham, who who calls himself Abu Hakim or Father of Wisdom, until Muhammad renamed him) guarding a Kurashite caravan outside Mecca at at the badass Battle of Badr ("full moon"), killing 50-60, incl. Kurashite chief Abu Sufjan ibn Harb and wounding an equal number, starting the tradition of Conquests and Victories in the Month of Ramadan; after Abu Jahl is mortally wounded, Muhammad's close companion Abdullah ibn Mas'ud begins abusing him, grabbing his beard and mocking him, then beheading him and putting his head in Muhammad's hand, with Ibn Kathir's Al-Bidaya wa Al-Nihaya (The Beginning and the End) later commenting: "Thus did Allah heal the hearts of the believers with it", or, as Quran 9:14-15 puts it: "Fight them, Allah will torment them with your hands, humiliate them, empower yourselves over them, and heal the hearts of the believers, removing the rage from their hearts"; after Happy Muhammad returned in triumph to Medina, converting many munafiqun (doubting Medinans), and was then inspired by Allah to order the assassination of a number of Jews who had been heckling his new monotheistic revelations, sieging then banishing the Jewish blacksmith tribe of Banu Qaynuqa to Edri (Jordan) after his ally Abdullah ibn Ubayy (-631) (a hypocritical convert to Islam), head of the non-Jewish Banu Khazraj tribe talks him out of massacring them, confiscating their wealth first then making an alliance with the wine merchant Banu Qurayza tribe so he could concentrate on the Banu Nadir (date farmers); this is the beginning of the Golden Age of Islam, which modern-day Islamists want to return to. No surprise, the Jewish tribes never stuck together, allowing him to divide and conquer. Badr became a popular Muslim name for girls. By the way, Muhammad ordered many assassinations, he had no qualms about honorable fair combat or fighting only in self-defense, call now and we'll send you this free DVD showing how the least compassionate people anywhere put you at the center of what they do.

On Mar. 23, 625 (Sat.) 3.2K Meccans led by Quraysh tribe leader Abu Sufyan (Sakhr ibn Harb) (560-650) kick the butts of Prophet Muhammad and his 1K-man army at the Battle of Mt. Uhud in NW Arabia near Medina, knocking the unportrayable prophet down and nearly killing him, and causing his followers to turn tail and flee; too bad, the Mecca Lekka Hi Mecca Lekka Lo, Mecca Lekka Chonny Ho don't follow up and enter Medina, so Muhammad survives to fight another day, retiring to rally his followers and lick his wounds, and writing some suras for his bestselling Quran: "The suras of the Koran which are attributed to this period, excel nearly all the others in their majesty and sublime confidence" (Sir Mark Sykes); after calling on his people to fight for Muhammad as per the Constitution of Medina and being told it was the Sabbath and to piss off, wealthy Jewish Medina rabbi Mukhayriq of the Tha'labah tribe fights with Muhammad and is martyred, leaving his entire wealth to Muhammad, who calls him "the best of the Jews", using it to establish the first Muslim Waqf (charity) for the poor in Medina; feeling good again, he accuses the most wealthy of the two remaining Jewish tribes, the Banu Nadir (date farmers), of treason, sieging them, letting Abdullah ibn Ubayy talk him out of massacring them, and expelling them from Medina to exile in Khaybar, home of descendants of the Jewish priestly tribe and the wealthiest city in N Arabia - so he could take them out of the protection of the Medina Constitution and loot them later? The punch line is always how greedy and dishonest them pesky Jews are, maybe that's the origin of the Godfather's motto to always keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

On Mar. 31, 627 after 10K Meccans with 600 horses and some camels led by Abu Sufyan decide to finish Muhammad and his 3K men off, they begin the fortnight-long Battle of the Trench (Confederates); too bad, after they arrive at Medina they find that it has a new trench and wall, the product of a Persian convert, neutralizing the horses; after a battle of wits with Muhammad, a strong cold wind blasts both sides, and the Meccans after suffering heavy losses get up and leave in Apr. after Muhammad is down to 300 men; Muhammad's trusted companion Hudhayfah ibn al-Yaman (-656) sneaks into the Meccan camp and personally hears Abu Sufyan give the order to leave, uttering the soundbyte: "If the Messenger of Allah had not instructed me to do nothing until I returned to him, I would have killed Abu Sufayn then and there with an arrow." That's right, Allah iz Satan and they've all got Satan inside. The American concept of all power resting in the People, who have certain inalienable rights is a non-starter with Allah and Satan both, isn't it?

In Apr. 627 free of the Meccans at last, the 25-day Siege of the Banu Qurayza sees Muhammad accuse them of reneging on their compact and negotiating with the Quraysh, then siege, starve, and defeat the last Jewish tribe of Banu Qurayza, who have a well-circumcised castle near Medina and 3K men; after Muhammad delegates full authority to former chief of non-Jewish Medina Banu Aus tribe Sa'd ibn Mu'adh on the condition that the Jews accept his verdict, 700 (900) Jewish men are beheaded (not that head), and their women and children enslaved; helped by the fact that they are among the bidders for these choice slaves, the head, er, leading men in Mecca begin to come over to Muhammad's side, and he becomes undisputed ruler of a unified Medina, seeking to extend his power, I don't want anybody working with me who's not scared, okay? Contrast this self-proclaimed anointed one of the one-and-only Creator of the Universe having to hide behind a ditch, with his main competitor Jesus Christ, who once said he could snap his fingers and get a legion of angels to defend him from the entire Roman army, I like that cartoon better, good job, Mel. Oh yes, Muhammad never claimed to be anointed like Jesus, Moses and the other prophets of God, guess he slipped up somewhere and went off half-cocked.

Let's recap Muhammad's non-love for the Jewish tribes of Medina, and how he quickly ditched them: 624: Battle of Badr: exile of Banu Qaynuga. 625: Battle of Ohud: exile of Banu Nadir. 627: Battle of the Ditch and Massacre of the Banu Qurayza - three strikes and you're out. Later Muhammad sent his adopted son Ali (601-61) to massacre another group of Jews, and after asking for clarification Big M told him that it's better to convert a Jew to Islam than to slaughter one or two thousand of them on the battlefield. Three or more, he didn't say, nice perfect example for all Muslims. Yes, the convert or die command was Muhammad's direct orders, I wonder how that 2-state solution in the Holy Land is coming along.

In Mar. 628 after Muhammad led 1.4K followers to Mecca to perform a pilgrimage, he was stopped 10 mi. away near the Hudaybiyyah spring by troops of the Quraish tribe that run it, led by Suhail ibn Amr. After sizing each other up for a fight, Allah allegedly sent the "sakina" (spirit of peace) into their hearts, and they signed the 10-year Treaty of Hudaybiyyah (who da big boss?), allowing Muslims to enter the city and perform the circuit for 3 days, beginning not this year but next, as long as they enter unarmed except for sheathed swords. Muhammad then turned back to Medina, trying to explain the defeat as a V by telling them that Allah has promised them the spoils of the last remaining Banu Nadir Jewish town of Khaybar (Khaibar), near Medina, which they siege with 3K soldiers then sack six weeks later in May-June after first halting with his army in a valley between them and the Ghatafan Tribe (Banu Ghatafan) (who allied with Banu Quraish in the Battle of the Trench) to prevent them from helping them, then beheading all the Jews that survive, then reducing the tribe to two fortresses with 450 warriors, who surrender and are forced to give all their land to them permanently, and hand them half their annual produce forever, setting the example - for modern Palestinian-Israeli negotiations? Muhammad personally talked with a black haggard donkey who called himself Yazid Ibn Shihab, whom he renamed Yafoor, adopting him for his ride after making sure he didn't desire females. No, I didn't make this up, but I wish I had.

Too bad, the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah was indeed a giant V for Islam, which they call Sulh-e-Hudaybiyyah, because it allowed Muslims to be allowed to exist so they could switch to Da'wah ("invitation"), the outward appearance of peace and friendliness in order to preach and make mass conversions and increase the size of their army for the next jihad, and in Muhammad's case it worked so well he practically had enough eager Quran-singing warriors to win without a fight. As Imam al-Zuhari put it, Soul-train-Hudaboss was the greatest V in the history of Islam. Actually, in Islam the world is divided up into Dars or Houses, incl. the Dar al-Islam (House of Peace) for believers, Dar al-Dawah (House of Invitation) as just mentioned, Dar al-Harb (House of War), where Sharia isn't in force yet so war is their fate, Dar al-Kufr (House of Unbelief) ("Unbelief is one community" - Muhammad), Dar al-'Ahd (House of Treaty) (an Islamic nation's Christian tributary states), Dar al-Hudna (House of Calm) (infidel nations that paid a tribute for a temporary truce), and Dar al-Amn (House of Safety), a new term invented by Muslims living in the West to describe how stupid their infidel host nations are, yuk yuk, bring the kafir house to your house, why can't we be friends, watch them Islamophobes and hide a Muslim in your attic.

Muhammad then ordered his faithful jackasses to turn towards Mecca when they pray rather than Jerusalem as they have done till now (i.e., it's the new qibla), and declared Mecca their permanent pilgrimage center, like it had been for the polytheist pagans. He also allegedly sent the envoy Al-Ala'a al-Hadrami (-635), who converted the Arab states of Bahrain ("two seas" - freshwater springs surrounded by salty seas) and Qatar, same old establishment, different owner. Speaking of houses, bathrooms and gutters, Islam even has a set of rules for using the water closet or toilet, incl. praying to Allah first, taking rings off your fingers, never urinating while standing even if you're a male, who must never hold his thing with his right hand, D, Gossip Girl, final answer. When shitting, a Muslim must never be positioned to face Mecca, nor to turn his back to it, but always shit sideways to Mecca. Males can use bath water left over by women, but not vice-versa, that's like having sex with them maybe, after all, water exposed to the sun can cause leprosy, sorry no mention about what to do when you get prostate cancer :)

Byzantine Emperor Heraclius I (575-641) Persian Shah Kavadh II (590-628) Chinese Tang Emperor Tai Zong (599-649)

In 628 the courts of Byzantine emperor (610-41) Heraclius I (575-641) in Constantinople (Greek Orthodox Catholic), Persian shah #23 (628) Kavadh II (590-628) in Ctesiphon (Zoroastrian), and Tang emperor #2 (626-49) Tai Zong (Tai Tsung) (599-649) in Canton (Buddhist) were visited by Arab envoys of the new kid on the block, "the prophet of God, Muhammad", residing in the squalid trading town of Medina in deodorant-challenged Arabia, who sent them the Aslim Taslam Letters ("accept Islam and you will be saved"), telling them to acknowledge the one true Alpha (with him as Omega?) and submit, or else, with the typical Muslim threat soundbyte "I invite you to Islam, and if you become a Muslim you will be safe and Allah will double your reward, but if you reject this invitation of Islam you will be committing a sin by misguiding your people (Arisiyin = peasants)." As the story goes, Heraclius, busy with restoring order in Persia shrugged it off, while Kavadh, hearing of how Muhammad had dechristianized and Muslimized Yemen, tore it up, threw it in the envoy's face and ordered Muhammad to fuck off, causing the latter to cry to Allah to rend his kingdom from him. Only emperor Tai Zong treated his envoys with respect, and allowed them to build a mosque for Arab traders in Canton. As a side note, the Muslim envoys of Messina arrived in Canton via a ship coming from Yanbu, the port of Medina in Arabia, showing the existence of east-west trade in those times. By the way, 20th cent. Italian journalist Oriana Fallaci came up with the Western rejoinder to the Fatboy Slim b.s., namely "Ian Astaslem", meaning "I will never submit" (you stupid sick nitwits). Line up our asses and toss ass salad, no way.

Not that Tsai-Tung was about to adopt Islam. In 635 he also received Christian Nestorian monk Alopen (Olopen) (Olopan) (Olopuen) (Chin. pronunciation of "Rabban") with respect, heard their yim yam out, and ordered the Christian scriptures translated into Chinese for further study, permitting Alopen to found the first Nestorian Christian mission in China, which never took and was dissolved by the 13th cent., golly, that sure looks delicious, let's eat.

In 629 Muhammad led his followers back to Mecca, and the pagans vacated the city for three days to allow them to perform Tawaf, which is to circle seven times counterclockwise around and kiss the Black Cube That Fell From Outer Space pagan-style, after first putting oneself in the sacred trance of Ihram (symbolized by a special garment consisting of two seamless sheets of white cloth, one worn around the waist, the other over the shoulders), the original Cuba Gooding Show Me the Money at a Miqat ("stated place"), one of five stations he later sets up, depending on where you came from (Medina, Syria, Najd, Yemen, Iraq, India), a sixth being added after his death. Before touching anything holy such as a Quran or the Kaaba, a Muslim must do Doodoo, er, Wudu, a partial ablution, as opposed to Ghusl, or full ablution, per Big M's statement "Cleanliness is half of faith" - Sura 5 Al-Maeda (The Table), verse 6. Were some or all of the sanctimonious rituals lifted from India? He then sent 3K of his men to the Byzantine city of Busra (where he received the prophecy from Bahira the Monk) to conquer and convert the pagan Ghassanid Arabs there for killing his emissary, and ended up fighting the Battle of Mu'tah E of the Jordan River in modern-day Jordan, getting his ass kicked by a superior Byzantine force he wasn't expecting and retreating, calling it a push to save face since his black freed slave and adopted son Zayd was killed.

'The Manchurian Candidate', 1962

Speaking of Heraclius I, who finally dumped Roman Latin for Greek as the Byzantine official language, in 628 he defeated Khosrau II and regained the True Cross, taking it back in 629 when he marched into Jerusalem, and the Jews suddenly flip-flopped and claimed to be on his side. But he was probably figuring out the Arab thing by now in his subconscious, as proved by a dream that the Byzantine Empire will be destroyed through a circumcised people, and ordered them massacred by fanatical monks (later covered-up by claiming the monks did it on their own just as he was about to conclude a peace with them?), causing tens of thousands of Jews to flee to Egypt, at least they got good libraries and beachfront property is available, it's the original Miami, driving them into the arms of the Christian Copts, who were sore at them for aiding the Persians also, and massacred some of them, but not all, since there were 40K left in Alexandria alone. That was the last straw, I'm sure, and them Jewish puppetmasters finally showed their Arab Manchurian Candidate the Red Queen card and let the dogs of war loose on all Christians everywhere forever. Meanwhile on Mar. 21, 630 Heraclius I personally returned the True Cross to the Holy Sepulchre, after which he became holy than thou than usual and substituted the title Basileus for Imperator, I never felt so undressed in a bathtub. The Persian empire was kaput, and over the next few years they handed the Byzantines Armenia, Syria, Palestine, Egypt and Byzantine Mesopotamia, while "a series of dynastic intrigues and romantic murders enliven the palace but weaken the country [Persia]" (H.G. Wells).

In Jan. 630 (10 Ramadan, 8 A.H.), after suddenly deciding to break his peace treaty with them, Puppet Prophet Muhammad surprised and captured Mecca, entered the city with 10K men in triumph, killed 28 opponents, removed the statue of the god Hubal from the Kaaba, destroyed all tribal idols, and announced the Law of Islam (Allah's Way) (Shari'ah) (Sharia), after which the entire pop. was converted to Islam by the sword, that's right, convert or die, whap, next, and from then on pesky Kafirs (Kuffars) were forbidden to enter the city forever, the dogs are probably a case for the Supreme Court. The word Kafir means non-believer, but since Islam regards everyone as born Muslim and hence a tool of the Devil for becoming an apostate, it doesn't just mean a person who is ignorant of the truth of Madhomet and Blallah, but knowingly covers-up the truth of Islam like dogs do shit, er, farmers do seeds. So, we usually translate the word unbeliever or infidel, but this is Infinitely Hate-Filled Intolerant Islam, so it's an infinitely stronger hate word than can be translated without spending a lifetime imbibing the writings, carrying a blanket permission from Allah to hate, mock, deceive, plot against, torture etc. any and all they can get their holy hands on. After the Euros discovered Africa and got into the slave trade, they began to use the word Kaffir for their black slaves, since some were Muslim and called them that, and they thought they were talking about themselves. Speaking of writings, 64% of the Quran and 32% of the Hadith are devoted to Kafirs, and 81% of the Sira are about Muhammad's struggle against them, for a grand total of 60% of all Muslim holy writ. Getting back to Muhammad's capture of Mecca, Muslims call it the Fatah-e-Mubeen or Glorious Victory. Black Abyssinian ex-slave Bilal ibn Rabah (al-Habashi) (580-640) summoned Muslims for the first time from the roof of the Kaaba, I wonder how this would look from space? From then on all Muslims had to face the kiblah (direction of the Kaaba) when praying, and all mosques have a mihrab or niche carved in the wall pointing the way. The Kaaba was laundered by Muhammad's holy Crapola, er, Koran, and was now supposed to have been given to the patriarch Abraham by the angel Gabriel, and was originally white but turned black from the sins of mankind (therefore white is right with Allah and Muhammad - small wonder that Joseph Smith copied them in his Book of Moron, making black skin a punishment for sinning, which neatly takes care of most Muslims, who happened to be swarthy even before the big conversion, grin).

At the risk of being repetitious, I really need to delve into the main Quranic text used to promote the "Islam is a religion of peace" b.s. to Islam ignoramus Westerners: Quran 2:190-4: "Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah loves not transgressors. And kill them wherever ye catch them, and turn them out from where they have turned you out; for persecution and oppression are worse than slaughter; but fight them not at the Sacred Mosque, unless they (first) fight you there; but if they fight you, kill them. Such is the reward of those who reject faith. But if they cease, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. And fight them on until there is no more tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah; but if they cease, let there be no hostility except to those who practice oppression. The prohibited month, for the prohibited month, and so for all things prohibited, there is the law of equality. If then any one transgresses the prohibition against you, transgress ye likewise against him. But fear (the punishment of) Allah, and know that Allah is with those who restrain themselves."

You would think that this horrifying text speaks for itself, and proves that Islam is violent, intolerant, and supremacist. But no, modern Muslim disinfo. artists turn it inside out, and proudly display it as proof of the opposite, for example Dr. Maher Hathout: "These verses were applicable to a particular situation or if, hypothetically, the same situation was to be repeated? Historically, fighting back against the aggressors was prohibited during the thirteen years of the Meccan period. After the migration to Medina and the establishment of the Islamic state, Muslims were concerned with how to defend themselves against aggression from their enemies. The aforementioned verses were revealed to enable them to protect the newly formed state by fighting in self-defence against those who fought them. However, the Qur’an clearly prohibits aggression. The verses explain that fighting is only for self-defence. Thus, a Muslim cannot commit aggression and kill innocent men, women, children, the sick, the elderly, monks, priests, or those who do not wish to fight. A Muslim is also mandated not to destroy plant life of livestock."

Duh, in the light of Muhammad's history, what we see is that he started out as one man, began preaching his crap to pagan suckers, slowly gained a following, and patiently endured persecution. Did this prove his tolerance, and hence the tolerance of Islam? No, the opposite, because as soon as his military strength grew enough to do it, he claimed that Allah ordered them to kill or convert all the pagans whose tolerance they had so long taken advantage of, and to set up a Muslim state where non-Muslims are lower than dog poop. But Muhammad told Muslims only to fight after they have been attacked first? That's just the con game. In Muslim-think, all believers are part of One Body or Ummah, hence any non-Muslim who even steps on the foot of a Muslim has attacked Islam first, giving them all the right and duty to fight all of the non-Muslims in his Infidel Body of Dumbass Stamped On Their Foreheads. Of course, after the Muslims wipe the blood of their swords and praise Allah for their victory, there is peace, hence they can claim that Islam is a religion of you know what. That's why they call the Umma the House of Peace, and the non-Umma the House of War: war on hold, until they absorb the non-Umma into the Umma and make it part of the House of Peace. In short, 2:190-4 is forever the proof and warning to all non-Muslims who don't have the word Dumbass stamped on their foreheads. Take the modern West for example. If they stupidly permit mass Muslim immigration, the herd will follow Big Mo's example and endure "persecution", which to them means any slight however tiny, that they never forget or forgive, but add to the memory bank for the day that their military might is great enough to follow Big Mo's example again per 2:190-4, and kill all who resist the final takeover of the country. So if you read this far, your forehead might be clearing up, I certainly hope so, else you better get a toupee with some brains in it, I'm a Muslim civil rights atty. and I'm suing you for hate crime. By the way, it's now seen as no coincidence why this foundational text is smack dab near the end of the long Sura 2, namely, so that curious infidels will probably get bored before they even finish Sura 1 and not get this far, and two, so that Muslims who have to memorize the Quran and repeat it endlessly get this kill-da-infidels command down pat, of course since Islam is the Truth, and Allah is the True Creator of the Universe, and Muhammad is his final prophet who is his infallible mouthpiece as well as perfect example, do as I do not as I say anyway, that justifies it as a moral work for the advancement of humanity itself, pass me a barf bag from United Flight 93. Back to the timeline.

Three weeks later, 10K Muslim Medinans and 2K new PC Meccans defeated a confederation of the pissed-off pagan bedouin tribe of Hawazin-Thaqif from the nearby city of Ta'if in SW Arabia at the Battle of Hunayn, and captured big booty, and Muhammad was official Cock of the Big Black Rock, beginning to receive tribal delegations (wufud) from throughout Arabia, and making them pay the alms tax (sadaqa) to him at Medina, listen to the way it rolls off your tongue, it sounds like a perfume. Too bad, his Medinan brand of Islam, cooked up while he was weak and tolerating the existence of non-believers soon changed to the lean mean Meccan brand, which tolerates no non-believers and pumps up the testosterone in the holy warriors to spread the territory outward from Da Cube.

Later Muhammad led an army of 30K to the northern city of Tabuk on the Syrian border to take on a Byzantine Christian army, which never showed up, after which he returned and scolded the "hypocrites" who stayed behind and/or didn't finance the jihad ("all-out struggle for Allah") (holy war for Islam, a Muslim engaged in it being called a mujahid, plural mujahideen), and issued his bloody Sura 9:5 ("Once the sacred months are past, you may kill the idol worshipers wherever you find them"), along with Sura 9:123 ("Oh you who believe, fight the unbelievers who attack you, and let them see how harsh you can be; know that Allah is with you"), with Sura 9:111 promising those martyrs who "slay and are slain" yummy Paradise, and Sura 4:136-7 warning against "those who take disbelievers as allies", and going on to insure that Islam repeatedly teaches Muslims to never make friends with unbelievers, one goes in, millions come out, searching for the next victim, until there's nothing left to kill, you have to love its simplicity, it's one-billionth our size and it's killing us.

Muhammad's Footprint Andre the Giant (1946-93) Large Mole Muhammad's Tomb Dead Adolf Hitler (1889-45) Ghost Hitler

In 631 the main base having been secured, and the Christians he feared since his birth in the Year of the Elephant proved to be wusses, Muhammad's followers began spreading out in a mad rush to bring the rest of Arabia into submission to the new cult on the block in order to increase the size of their army. On Mar. 6, 632 after cleansing Arabia of infidels, 62-y.-o. Muhammad (b. 570), Master of Pure Muslim Arabia leads the Hajjatul Wada (Farewell Pilgrimage) (his first and only Hajj) from Medina to Mecca, then on the 9th day of Dhul al Hijjah delivers his Last Sermon to the People in the Uranah Valley of Mount Arafat in Mecca to 124K, forbidding all plunder and blood feuds among believers, and commanding all believers, even slaves to treat each other as brothers; he preaches merchant honor, commanding that 90% of a Muslim's life be devoted to work in order to put food on the table; his speech incl. the soundbytes: "All humanity came from Adam and Eve, thus an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, or vice-versa; neither does a white have any superiority over a black or vice-versa", and "No prophet or messenger will come after me and no new true faith will be born". One of his last instructions was to expel all Christians and Jews from the Arabian peninsula forever, I love my Quran Coffeemaker. Later the Shiites claimed that he said he's leaving behind his progeny to offer guidance, not just the Quran, causing the Sunni-Shiite Split. Muhammad then returned to Medina, sickened of a fever, and died on June 8, 632 (noon) (Mon.) in the lap of his favorite wife Ayesha (A'isha) after a peaceful life of love consisting of 100 jihads in the last 100 months of his life, and 78 battles, only one of which was defensive, leaving only some mats, blankets, jugs and other personal items, a white mule and a little piece of land he had already willed away. Muhammad allegedly died in agony after saying he could feel his aorta being severed, which sheds a new light on Quran 69:44-46, where Allah says that if Muhammad invents false revelations, he will sever his aorta. His burial place was kept secret, good idea, imagine how many would like to get even, at least they didn't make up a story about him being the son of God and rising from the grave, although in retrospect that might have been a fatal booboo, check back with me later. Later the story was changed and Muhammad was buried in his own house, which is also a mosque, no need to lose all that tourist revenue. Muhammad's Tomb and the land on which he is allegedly buried became the most holy site in Islam, even more holy than Mecca and Medina. When he died, "he had scarcely 20 white hairs in head head and beard." - Sahih Bukhari 4:56:747. When he was being washed for burial, had a woody? Some think he died as a result of being served poisoned meat three years earlier by Jewish woman Umm Bashr, who wanted revenge for what he did at Khaybar, and since he allegedly had been warned in advance by Allah, that makes him a martyr. Speaking of back-stabbing, did I mention that he had a mole on his back between the shoulders that was a large as a partridge egg, which he claimed to be Allah's seal of prophethood (Bukhari 1.4.189)? By the way, some think he suffered from acromegaly in his later years, as proved by his huge preserved footprint, which explains his impotence and paranoia about his wives that made him order them to cover themselves to keep potent men at bay, causing billions of Muslim women to later suffer, plus launching the phobia about portraying his likeness since he was a grotesque giant with disorted features that make him look like a circus freak, and that won't help with conversion efforts. Oh yes, Byzantine monk St. Theophanes Confessor (758-818) claimed that Muhammad was an epileptic, I wonder why, profuse sweating and foaming at the mouth during his hallucinations about jinn disguised as angels. Muhammad's good timing in retrospect was that this upside-down Christ died 600 years after the real one, but with infinitely more sin mileage, covered in his own I'm-holy-fuck-you-or-you're-dead fake holy Satanic b.s., becoming the Ghost Hitler Who Rules Through a Music Score Disguised as a Book, launching a mental AIDS into the human species that is finally exterminated in the year ?, I wish, it's a challenge of knowledge delivery systems that only Science and Technology can solve. What did Jeezy already predict about him, call him psychic? "Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, for you are like whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of death and everything unclean" (Matthew 23:27). Speaking of whited sepulchers, ca. 628 after receiving sanctuary there from his enemies, Muhammad allegedly writes a Charter of Privileges (Actiname) for St. Catherine's Monastery on Mt. Sinai, promising them freedom of religion and from paying the jizya, the right to repair their churches, exemption from military service, freedom from forced marriages of Christian women to Muslim men, etc., which is often cited by modern Muslims, but is actually an ex-post facto forgery by the monks for survival, the other monasteries and church without a charter not faring so well; the charter commands Muslims not to bear arms against Christians, yet soon after Muhammad's death they go on to invade and conquer Christian Egypt, after which Christians had to live like mangy dogs to this day. Of course it's real, as proved by the hundreds of other Christian churches in Arabia, Ethiopia, and Egypt with the same letters from Big M, not. Obviously the monks forged the thing precisely because they knew that without it they would be destroyed, enslaved, or killed, and that the Allah Akbar cretins would be dumb enough to fall for it, which they did, get it? I'm a cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endoskeleton.

Muslims have churned Islam into a praise-word soup, seemingly becoming unable to mention anything to do with Allah, Muhammad, his relatives or successsors without adding praise words like "peace be upon him" (pbuh). If you pour enough honey over a pile of shit, it becomes candy. When it comes to Muhammad, however, the Arabic phrase that they use, "Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam" doesn't actually mean "Peace be upon him", it means "May the prayers of Allah be upon him and peace." That's right, Muslims claim that Allah prays to Muhammad. Or is this just a mistranslation in order to connect Muhammad with 2 Thessalonians 2:4: "Who opposes and exalts himself above all that is called God, or that is worshiped; so that he as God sits in the temple of God, showing himself that he is God." Did I say check back with me after Armageddon?

Name of Muhammad 'I Love Lucy'

Speaking of Wudued sepulchers and living tissue, what other prophet provides believers with complete toilet training so that they will be as clean as a whistle before, during and after doing Allah's work? Bukhari 1.4.147 says "Once I went up to the roof and saw Allah's Apostle answering the call of nature while sitting on two bricks facing Jerusalem, but there was a screen covering him", and 1.4.152 adds "I along with another boy used to accompany him with a tumbler full of water to wash his private parts after he was through." Like he couldn't do it himself, or he liked boys to do it? 1.4.137 contains complete instructions for the Muslim about Hadath, or farting, starting with the soundbyte "The prayer of a person who does Hadath is not accepted till he performs an ablution." 1.1.139 adds "My uncle asked Muhammad about a person who imagined he farted during a prayer. Allah's Apostle replied that he should not leave his prayers unless he hears or smells something." Here's some more about Big M's toilet habits, 1.4.202: "Once Muhammad went out to answer the call of nature and I followed him with a tumbler of water, and when he finished, I poured it and he performed ablution and passed wet hands over his Khuffs", special footwear or leather socks worn after performing ablution of the feet. 1.4.204 adds: "I saw the Prophet passing wet hands over his turban and Khuffs." So what if they are filthy with mutton grease, he ends up with filthy hands? You smile, but Muhammad revealed the cooked mutton exception according to 1.4.20: "Allah's Apostle ate a piece of cooked mutton from the shoulder region and prayed without repeating ablution", I guess that makes him the Lamb of Allah. Did you know that skim milk is cool with Muhammad? According to 1.4.210: "Allah's Apostle drank milk, rinsed his mouth, and said, 'It has fat'." What does Muhammad order Muslims to do to a Muslim who takes a leak in the mosque, whack it off? According to 1.4.219: "The people caught him, but the Prophet ordered them to leave him and pour a bucket of water over the place where he pissed, saying, 'You have been sent to make things easy not difficult.'" Buckets, service, straight talk, Big A Buckets. Speaking of water sports, other hadiths tell how his early followers loved to eat Muhammad's shit, marinate food in his sweat, drink water he had gargled and spat out, and smear his phlegm on their faces, all with his approval. Did I mention that Muhammad liked to dye his beard with henna to have a different look than Jews and Christians? Along with that he applied kohl (lead sulfide) as an eyeliner. That's right, he was the original I Love Lucy. No, far more kinky, he loved to dress in women's clothing, uttering the soundbyte "Revelations never come to me when I'm dressed in women's clothing, except when I'm dressed in Aisha's" (Sahih Bukhari, Number 2393)

Now we can see the real problem with Islam, its promotion of hero worship, forcing everybody to become a worker ant in an ever-bigger anthill of intolerant monoculturism. And of all cultures, who wants the Arab one to rule any anthill? Yes, Muhammad's shit stunk like everybody else's, and the more a modern person knows about him the more he stinks, as do all the little Muhammads who spend their life trying to imitate him. Muhammad has to go, he really has to go, sorry. Still have doubts about Jews hiding behind the curtains and pulling the strings so they can ride back into Christendom in the rear, or were they just lucky? Did I mention that there's real doubt that Prophet Muhammad really lived, not only his historicity, but the historical authenticity of the basic Muslim documents? Like Moses and Jesus, he might have been, no probably was, definitely was a dummy corporation for a New World Order that covered its tracks so nobody could prove anything in court, check intuition plus, free your skin. Too bad that in our modern world we historyscopers have to deal with what we've got and can't look back into Time with a Cosmoscope like the Big Banger Scientists.

Whether there was a real Muhammad or not, he was allegedly survived by daughter Fatima Zahra (d. 633) and nine, count 'em nine wives but no sons, and since he didn't make a provision for political succession (because his request for some writing material to write down guidelines was ignored by Omar because he thought he was hallucinating?), a power struggle ensued, and his father-in-law Abu Bakr (572-634) was elected by a shura (committee) in the saqifa (roofed bldg.) of the Banu Sa'ida tribe as the first caliph (khalifa) (Arab. "successor") to the Prophet (not the next prophet, as Big M is the final prophet), because, like the first four Rashidun (Rightly Guided or Righteous) Caliphs (632-61), he was married to a daughter of the Prophet or had given his daughter to him in marriage, and was one of the Prophet's Sahaba (close companions), plus his daughter was Big M's favorite wife. I smell a fix here, but either way the Arabs were united under the banner of Submitslam somehow, and under somebody, and after their military Vs later generations had plenty of leisure to crank out coverups disguised as histories, so let's forget about Big M for now and scope the real Muslims and their hairy track record of spreading their monoculture outward from Mecca.

Black Flag of Jihad, 632

At Abu Bakr's accession many Arab tribes revolted, starting with the Banu Hanifa, who lived in the garden spot of C Arabia now known as Riyadh ("gardens"), causing him to begin the Ridda (Apostasy) Wars to rid da Arabian peninsula of apostasy, bloodily reconsolidating Arabia by 633. Then, obeying those letters that the Prophet had sent to "all the monarchs of the world" in 628, caliph Abu Bakr declared did-I-mention Jihad (Arab. "all-out struggle for Allah") (holy war to spread Muslim rule over more territory) on the Roman (Byzantine) and Persian empires, sending little fanatical armies of 3K-4K Arabs at them carrying the Black Flag of Jihad displaying the Shahada (confession of Muslim faith) on it in white Arabic letters; the flag of the state is white with black letters. They do like to send little fanatical armies at ya, don't they? By the way, the Arabs have another word, qitaal to mean fighting with weapons, which is a subset of jihad if done right.

The first general (youngest Muhammad ever appoints) Usamah (Osama) ("lion") bin Zayd (615-?) (son of the dude who died at the Battle of Mu'tah Fuck'ah, whom Muhammad appointed to CIC of his armies a few days before his death, pissing the other generals off - Osama bin Laden wishes he could equal his success) then led an expedition to pesky Byzantine-controlled Syria with the goal of reaching Constantinople, while the 2nd general Khalid ("immortal") ibn al-Walid ("newborn child") (592-642) (who was on the Meccan side in the 625 attack on Muhammad, then converted to Islam in 629, went on an expedition against the Banu Jadhima Tribe, and went on to never know defeat in 100 battles, leading the cleansing of Arabia of non-Muslims, becoming known as the you-guessed-it Sword of Allah) led a 2nd expedition to pesky Persia, which had recently had the stuffing knocked out of it by the Byzantines and was on its knees, beginning with the frontier town of Hira (capital of Persia's richest province of Iraq, and under the control of an Arab tributary prince), which fell in the last week of May 633. Too bad, before they finished off Persia, the Byzantines had been seriously weakened by the Persians, making both of them easy game for the new Allah Akbars. To add fuel to the fire, as soon as they met up, the Christians began calling the new Mahometans (Muslims) idolaters and pagans, pissing them off no end. The real question: Would Muhammad have ordered the execution of Christ if he told him he was the Son of God? You bechya?

Three Choices Trepanning

Each time they offered three choices to the infidels they met: convert, pay tribute forever, or become worm food. Hey, before you knock it, think about it awhile This religion beats mixed-up incomprehensible, schismed, priest-ridden Christinsanity, it has no sacrifies or priesthood like Judaism, and Christianity's heaven is too hard to attain, while with Shalom for Lamers anybody can understand the perils of Hell, the rewards of Paradise with a guaranteed 72 virgins, and the brotherhood of true blood-stained believers here on Earth, boys will be boys, right? And Muhammad is no impossible god-man who has never sinned, but more of a Jewish-type King David or Moses, who is just as Semitic as they are, but the Jews came from the bad side of Abraham's house, and we Arabs are the good side, never mind how we ended up in this desert hellhole, it's our turn to take the Promised Land. And anyway, the Jewish Temple is kaput and Jews can't get forgiveness of sins by sacrifices of sheep anymore, so what's wrong with this new source of sheep to slaughter, infidel sheep, that'll save our souls, chuckle, think of all the women slaves we'll get. Go on, buy this new Islam stuff, it's leading edge, because you don't ever have to think for yourself again, we tell you just how and when to pray, how to act, and forget all the other monotheist religions that don't want you to hurt a fly, let's turn back the calendar, murder, rape, and torture are OK with your monomaniac god Allah now, so long as your good deeds outweigh your sins, with sins committed to advance Islam cancelled, and getting killed while trying to advance Islam winning you the jackpot, so sign right here and join the quick line by dying in a jihad and bypassing Allah's judgment seat on your way to the Big P and (did we mention?) your bonus of 72 sexy Vs from divinematch dot com.

About this time the Yazidi sect of Kurdish-speaking Muslims who blend Islam with Mithraism and Christianity is founded, with Sunni and Shiite Muslims regarding them as devil worshippers, ending up living mainly in the Nineveh province of Iraq; they believe in one Creator God, but claim he placed the world under the care of seven angels, the chief one being the Peacock Angel (Melek Taus), which some equate with Iblis; by 2015 they endure 74 attempted genocides.

Archbishop St. Isidore of Seville (560-636)

In 633, talk about bad timing, while the Saracens were winning battle after battle out in the East, the Fourth Council (Synod) of Toledo in Spain, called by Visigoth king Sisenand and presided over by Archbishop St. Isidore ("gift of Isis" - don't ask) of Seville (560-636) met in the church of St. Leocadia, and removed all taxes on the clergy and proclaimed the right of nobles and bishops to confirm elections to the Visigoth crown. It also prohibited the pesky Jews from keeping slaves, and put all tithes in the care of the bishop. So much for church-state separation. After thinking it through to the max for centuries, X marks the spot, the Filioque Clause was inserted into the 381 Trinitarian (anti-Arian) Creed of the First Council of Constantinople after the words "We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father", adding "and [from] the Son" to emphasize that Jesus the Son is of equal divinity with God the Father and has equal spirit-generating mojo. Too bad, the Eastern Orthodox Church couldn't spit, er, swallow it, since it couldn't get over how/why a father isn't superior to his own jism, er, son, and declared it heretical in 867, then jismed, er, schismed completely with the Roman Church in Crab Nebula Year 1054, I'll come back to that later.

Caliph Omar (577-644)

In June 634 Rashidun gen. Khalid ibn al-Walid (585-642) leads a half-army of 9K Arab Muslim Saracens (Arab. "shirqiyyeen" = easterners) into Syria, hooking up with 23K more under gens. Abu Ubaidah ibn al-Jarrah, Yazid bin Abu-Sufyan, Sharjeel bin Hosanna, and Amr ibn al-Aas and taking Sawa, Aarak, Tarmad, Sakhna, Qadma, Qarteen, Hawwareen before reaching the Uqab Pass 20 mi. from Damascus; in July the First Battle of Marj Rahit near Damascus (2nd in 684) sees the Ghassanid Arabs (allies of the Byzantine Empire) defeated by the Rashidun army under Khalid bin Walid, clearing the Muslim army's rear so they can advance toward Bosra (Bostra) (modern-day Busra al-Sham) 67 mi. S of Damascus (capital of the Ghassanids, formerly capital of the Roman Province of Arabia); on July 30 the 32K-man Rashidun army defeats 12K Roman troops at the Battle of Bosra (Bostra), becoming the first Byzantine vassal to be captured by the Muslims; in July the Rashidun army defeats the 80K-man Byzantine army at the Battle of Ajnadayn in S Palestine, building a mosque inside the ancient Temple of Jupiter, which had been converted into a fortress, after which they sweep up the coast of Palestine as far as Caesarea, forcing Jews to convert by the sword and massacring 4K Jewish, Christian, and Samaritan peasants, which really hits the Samaritans hard - by 2007 there are only 712 left; on Aug. 21-Sept. 19 the Siege of Damascus sees 20K Muslims under Khalid ibn al-Walid take Damascus, defended by a 15K-16K army under Thomas with heavy Byzantine Christian losses after a Monophysite bishop tells the Muslims of a weak spot in the walls at night, allowing them to enter at the Eastern Gate, after which Abu Ubaidah negotiates surrender terms with the cmdr. of the Byzantine garrison, sparing the lives the pop. and allowing them to practice their faith incl. their non-Chalcedonian anti-Monothelete doctrines without pressure from Constantinople in return for accepting Muslim Sharia rule incl. payment of the jizya, which al-Walid reluctantly agrees to for fear that doing what Allah wants and massacring them will stiffen resistance in other towns; after waiting three days, Khalid ibn al-Walid pursues the refugees and defeats them near modern-day Al Jayyad; he goes on to remain undefeated in 100+ battles. On Aug. 23, 634 Abu Bakr (b. 573) died, and was succeeded by Muhammad's adviser and brother-in-law (#1 Sahaba) Omar (Umar) (Arab. "eloquent", "long life") ibn Al-Khattab (577-644) as caliph #2 (until 644), who went on on to conquer Syria, Persia, and Egypt, defeat Byzantine emperor Heraclius I, and institute the Islamic taxation system, which requires "People of the Book" (Ahl al-Kitab) (pesky Jews and Christians, who go for that perverted version of the Quran they call the Little Library of Books or Bible) to pay a special poll tax, which they call the jizya ("punishment") (as required by Surah 9:29), as in pay it or I'll jizz in ya face and kill ya, and (after too many feigned conversions to avoid the ban on non-Muslim ownership of land) a special land tax called the kharaj in order to practice their faith and not be killed for failing to submit (it is usually grudgingly accepted with a slap in the face?), ending up financing the Muslim state when they captured Syria and Egypt, which had large Christian pops., meaning no taxes for the lucky Muslim faithful (gain the world and lose your soul jokes here). "Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and his Messenger, nor acknowledge the religion of truth, (even if they are) of the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued." (Quran 9:29). Modern-day so-called radical or extremist Muslims claim that this verse, which they call the Verse of the Jizya abrogates all other verses calling for peace and understanding with non-Muslims, and is the #1 command, the best call we ever made, put some power on your side and call on Allah the Strongarm. In other words, no matter how long infidels have been living in peace and harmony with Muslims, any of them can turn into an extremist overnight by just "delving deeper" into this one tidy verse, call it the hot button if you haven't seen the movie in awhile. By the way, the word usually translated as fight, qatilu in Arabic, comes from the root word for kill or murder; like the Wild West, the Wild East jihadists shoot to kill first and ask questions later, everything they do is for the hate of infidel dogs.

Omar also created garrison settlements (amsar) to keep Arab troops separate from newly conquered peoples, founding the new cities of Kufa (639) and Basra (636) in Iraq, and Fustat (later Cairo) (641) in Egypt. He knew which side his bread was buttered on, and made Islam attractive for soldiers by establishing the diwan, a list of soldiers entitled to govt. stipends ('ata), with the earlier converts getting higher pay.

Sophronius (560-638)

On Sept. 20, 634 after reaching Damascus, being forced to withdraw to Yarmuk, defeating the Byzantines, then reattacking with the help of the Monophysites in Syria (who were tired of Roman Catholic persecution), the Muslims under Khalid ibn Walid captured Damascus, capital of Syria, and forced the Pact of Omar on the Christian Dhimmis (people of the dhimma or protection pact), which prohibited them from building new churches or repairing existing ones, practicing their religion publicly or converting anyone to it, displaying the cross (which Muhammad never permitted in his presence, calling it a "piece of idol") or ringing church bells, riding saddles or bearing arms, selling alcoholic beverages, displaying wine or pork openly, etc., and forced them to show respect to Muslims, give them their seats if asked, plus free room and board for three days, etc., even forcing them to look different than Muslims so there will be no question who's superior to who by wearing the zunnar (zonnar) (wide cloth belt) and different-colored shoes, keeping to the side of the street and never using the Muslim greeting "as-Salamu alaykum", all this protection from being murdered in return for paying the jizya (protection money). I wonder why Western govts. welcome Muslim immigrants today if they read this, the Nazis sure did. Ascetic Damascus-born Egyptian-trained monk Sophronius (560-638) fled and became Christian patriarch of Jerusalem (until 638), giving a Christmas sermon noting that the I-love-you-too-much Muslims already control Bethlehem, and calling them "unwitting representatives of God's inevitable chastisement of weak and wavering Christians"; meanwhile sometime after this, by the time of the Chanson de Roland (1140-70), trembling Christians get the idea that the Muslims worship Termagant (Termagaunt), a male god that is part of the Muslim Trinity, even though Muslims worship Allah and have no Trinity; by the time of William Shakespeare (1600) a termagant becomes a mannish woman, esp. a quarrelsome scolding woman or virago.

Speaking of prohibiting the consumption of pork, it's now obvious why the Muslim World is known for such sparse landscape, namely, because they replaced domesticated pigs with sheep and goats, causing catastrophic deforestation, pass the sheep eyes.

Notice that I didn't say you have to convert or die, and if I did, I ain't sorry. True, when it came to their pagan polytheist Arab brothers, that was da choice, it's a matter of ending them family feuds with a final solution and all that jazz, a prominent example being the pagan cult of Dhul-Khalasa: "When Jarir reached Yemen, there was a man who used to foretell and give good omens by casting arrows of divination. Someone said to him, 'The messenger of Allah's Apostle is present here and if he should get hold of you, he would chop off your neck.' One day while he was using them, Jarir stopped there and said to him, 'Break them and testify that none has the right to be worshiped except Allah, or else I will chop off your neck.' So the man broke those arrows and testified that none has the right to be worshiped except Allah." - Bukhari 5:59:643. But with "People of the Book", no, you only have to submit to their theocratic rule or die, after which you can pay tribute forever or convert and help expand their territory by your own killing forever, as if you're not under eternal pressure and are treated as politically sidelined second class merde with little or no personal rights until you do, but not really, because they prefer to make both death and taxes inescapable so they can ride you like a talking donkey did I say forever. Back then, if you were a Christian and they hadn't conquered your territory yet, you'd spread the story that that's what they'd make you do, convert to being an idolatrous infidel that has to kiss a big Black Dick, er, Cube and deny that Christ is God so you doom yourself to Hell, or die and receive a martyr's reward of Heaven, call it put up or shut up, maybe God is allowing Islam as your ultimate test. Only after it was too late would you find out your other options, on your knees, a lifetime of slavery then face God and tell him you were a coward. Even today, time doesn't change that formula. If a Muslim army could conquer Europe, they would dissolve all their governments, parliaments, national assemblies, European Union, etc., and set up their own military occupation government where you are forced to listen to them endless hypnotic prayers from the minarets 365 days a year, 5 times a day, forever. If a Muslim army could conquer the U.S., down would come the Stars and Stripes, and out would go the Constitution and Bill of Rights, right into the fire, along with most Western infidel culture, which would be classified as blasphemous and sacrilegious. Women would have to cover up like the cattle they are, and live under their horrible sharia laws and spread it for their hubbies at age 9. Not that a few or a large group of Muslims couldn't immigrate and pretend to accept the infidel government, but you and I both know they're just biding their time for the main army to arrive, and then they'll be ready to join them, Allah be praised, gag. Back to the timeline.

Caliph Omar (586-644) Sophronius (560-638)

Focusing on the big year that the Muslims took Big J, and won't give it back, the year 636 wasn't the year 666, but to the superstitious it was 2 out of 3 at least. On July 23, 636 the Muslim Arabs under Gen. Khalid capture Gaza, the principal Jewish community in Byzantine Judea from the Byzantines, then in Nov. siege Jerusalem for six months, taking it in Apr. 637, with Muslim caliph #2 (634-44) Omar (Umar) (586-644) personally receiving the city's submission on the insistence of Patriarch Sophronius, causing Omar to come from Medina to Jerusalem (600 mi.) humbly on a camel, carrying a bag of barley, a bag of dates, a water skin, and a wooden platter, with only one attendant; when his own emirs greet him in fine silks he throws a tantrum, as well as handfuls of dirt at them, impressing the Greek proprietors of Big J, who present him with a key to the city; he then meets with Monophysite Christian Patriarch (634-8) Sophronius (560-638) of Jerusalem, with whom he tours the Holy Places, making jokes about his followers being too expensive, and refusing an invitation to pray at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, saying he didn't want to endanger its status as a Christian temple, instead praying outside it on the steps E of the church; since Christian mucky-mucks had claimed that the Bible predicts that a humble but just and powerful man will come to Jerusalem riding on an ass and will actually prove to be a protector an ally to the Christians of Jerusalem, Sophronius dies a happy man; the happy Jews are allowed back and allowed to practice their religion but were forbidden to ride horses, hold judicial or civil posts or build new synagogues; Neapolis comes under Muslim rule, and its name is Arabicized to Nablus; the neighborhood of Silwan (Heb. "Shiloah", Gk. "Silwan") in modern-day East Jerusalem (on top of the old City of David) is granted to an agricultural community of cave-dwellers living there called Khan Silowna; Sophronius accepts the Umari Treaty(Umariyya Covenant), in which the Holy Sepulchre and the True Cross are protected, and all Christian churches and relics are left in Christian hands, with Christians protected as long as they pay I'm-your-whore protection money (jizya); the spot where Caliph Omar prayed outside the Holy Sepulchre becomes the site of the Mosque of Omar (Umar), which according to Gallic bishop Arculf, who lived in Jerusalem from 679-688 was a rectangular wooden structure built over ruins that could accommodate 3K worshipers; Caliph Omar argued about the location for this first Muslim mosque in Jerusalem with Yemeni Jewish (rabbi) convert to Islam Ka'b al-Ahbar (-653), who recommends building it N of the Rock (foundation of the Jewish Temple of Solomon), to which Omar replies "Oh you son of a Jew, is your Jewishness dominating your view?", explaining that that would force Muslims to bow down towards both Mecca and the Jewish Temple, and deciding to build it S of the Rock so that their asses face it instead. Jerusalem became Islam's 3rd holiest city after Mecca and Medina, for a long time being called Bayt al-Maqdes, then al-Quds al-Sharif, but not being regarded as a holy city until the 680s, when the caliph ruling from Damascus fought a revolt by the Muslims in control of Mecca, and decided to turn Big J into a counter-pilgrimage site, building the Dome of the Rock as the Disney World to their Disneyland.

Meanwhile on Aug. 15-20, 636 25K-40K Muslim Arabs under Gen. Khalid defeats 80K-100K Christian Byzantines under Heraclius I at the epic Battle Yarmuk (Yarmouk) on the banks of the Yarmuk River (tributary of the Jordan River) near Hira, with 50K Byzantines vs. 4K Muslims KIA, and captures Damascus, which becomes the capital of the caliphs until 750 (which they go on to fortify and adorn), while going on to annex the rest of the Levant, making Syria (part of the Roman Empire since 64 B.C.E.), er, Muslim. Don't blame the Christians entirely though. Part of the reason for their defeat was that the Byzantines were used to hiring Christian Ghassanid Arab auxiliaries for their cavalry, most of whom double-crossed them and switched sides, leaving them up Shit Creek without a paddle, I had a really strong feeling about this one, shit.

In 636 Persian shah Yazdgerd III sends a letter to Caliph Omar, with the soundbyte: "We, in the name of Ahura Mazda, practice compassion and love and goodness and righteousness and forgiveness, and care for the dispossessed and the unfortunate. But you, in the name of your Allah-u-Akbar commit murder, create misery and subject others to suffering."

It's all Muslim good news now. In 637 Persian resistance to the Muslims stiffened, and Persian Gen. Rustam gave them a damned good fight at the Battle of Kadessia (Qadisiyya) in Iraq, sitting on a golden throne on a raised platform at the rear of his ranks of levied soldiers. Too bad, after three days of a push, the Arabs suddenly received reinforcements, and the Persians attempted a quick win with a charge of their 33 war elephants, but one was wounded painfully and went beserk, charging and panicking the other elephants, who ended up breaking the Persian line, and this time the Arabs pressed home and slew infidels all night long, killing Rustam and winning one for Big Alpha. Meanwhile in 638 Emperor Heraclius issued his Ekthesis, setting up the Monothelete doctrine as the official doctrine of the shrinking Orthodox Church, I can hear them say I'd rather get 72 virgins in Paradise when I've killed all the morons like you I can?

Meanwhile in 638 Persian Shah Yazdgird III appealed to the Chinese for help against the Mad Muslims, but went unanswered as the Muslims occupied and plundered the Sassanian imperial capital of Ctesiphon and conquered Iraq as far N as Mosul, making Iraq safe for Saddam Hussein. Once-boss Ctesiphon began to decay before the prosperity of the nearby Arab capital of Baghdad ("god's gift", "fair garden"), after which the Persians yielded the Euphrates region, incl. Antioch and Beroea, the latter being renamed Haleb (Alep). One good thing for Russians, Omar sanctioned chess for Muslims, and the conquest of Persia caused the game to change from chatrang to shatranj. Too bad, Sahih Muslim 5612 slams chess, with the soundbyte: "He who plays chess is like one who dyed his hand with the flesh and blood of swine."

In 639 the Muslim Arabs under Gen. Amr ibn al-As (al-Aas) (583-664) overran Mesopotamia and invaded Egypt, conquering it in 642; yet more invaded Armenia (ends 653).

Speaking of asses, Jehovah already had them Arabs, AKA Ishmaelites (descendants of Abraham via his slave Hagar rather than his wife Sarah) down pat, as proved by his own words in Da Bible about Ishmael: "He will be a wild ass of a man, his hand against every man and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen" - Gen. 16:12. In other words, he would never make them his prophets, tough titties. Oh yes, that's one of them perverted verses, it must have said something else, ask his final prophet. Holy books or no holy books, ever since 637 C.E. Jerusalem has been all about when will the Islamic world give up Jerusalem and thank the Jews for the memories. Too bad, so far they won't. When they conquered it by force from the Romans, who had conquered it by force from the Jews, Arabs had absolutely no historical claim to Jerusalem and environs like the Jews had established since 1000 B.C.E., they were like a plague of locusts, and have no more valid historical claim to Jerusalem and environs than locusts do to a wheat field, hence historical justice is not about letting them squat forever but when they are going to give it back to the rightful owners the Jews, and how, and that means with or without approval of the U.N. or other bystanders. Not that Arabs that give up Islam and convert to Judaism won't have some claim. Why is there no peace in the Middle East? Them *!?*! Muslims. Today, if it weren't for this fake prophet who rules his insane world domination supremacist religion from the grave that teaches its believers to love death more than life, Jerusalem would be the capital of the state of Israel, and even Greater Israel, like the Bible describes, which incl. far more territory than it now occupies. Too bad, the Quran's Sura 5 which claims that the Jews perverted the real Bible (the Quran) forever claims that that act destroys all their claims to Jerusalem and Israel, because only the true Bible called the Quran should be worshiped there, circular reasoning but backed up with holy violence backed up by the same Allah, decapitation doesn't cause death, it's Allah who withdraws life and does everything. So maybe it was Jehovah's plan all along to let Satan launch Islam as part of his punishment of his divorced bride before remarrying her, time itself will tell if Jehovah is just a fairy tale too or the real deal. Talking about Islam and Jerusalem, Quran Sura 17 Bani Israel (The Children of Israel), verse 104 says: "And we said to the children of Israel, 'Go live securely in the Promised Land.' And when the final prophecy comes to pass, we will gather you together in one group." Before the Last Judgment, that is. In the meantime they can go to Hell? No, modern Muslims point to 17:104 as proof that Allah was the one who destroyed their temple in 70 C.E. and caused the Diaspora, then allowed them to return to Israel so he could lower the final boom on them by sending them a false Messiah posing as Christ, who will be destroyed by true Muslim prophet Jesus don't say Christ say Antichrist along with them, only making Muslims cling to the Quran more, wouldn't you know it. The funny thing about the Muslim Jesus whom they call Issa is that virtually all the Gospel stories about his life are considered infidel crap, he's more like the punchline of a joke, although maybe it's on them, huh, time will tell, right? By the way, the Jews of the era pointed to the volcanic eruptions at Mt. Vesuvius et al. in 79 as proof of retribution for the destruction of his temple by Jehovah, don't know why, you are my destiny, nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.

Meanwhile in 639 Caliph Omar launched the practice of dating time with the Hejira (Hegira) (622 C.E.), which became 1 A.H. (Anno Hegirae), fulfilling Christian fears that the Antichrist would start time over with year 1 and force everyone to worship the image of the Beast, cover the runway with whipped cream.

The Muslim string of hits never ends. In 640 while religiously cleansing all Jews and Christians from Arabia, the romping Saracens conquered Caesarea after a 7-mo. siege after a Jew named Joseph led them in through a tunnel under the city, attaboy Mel. Meanwhile more Arabs under gen. Amr ibn al-As sieged and took the fortress of Babylon-in-Egypt on the E bank of the Nile in Egypt, and moved toward Heliopolis, destroying the Byzantine army at the Battle of Heliopolis on Nov. 4, 641, then sieged the Egyptian capital of Alexandria, seat of the Byzantine govt., and captured it with the support of Christian Monophysite Copts, who had been treated like merde by the Orthodox Byzantines and maybe hated them worse than the Jews, giving Arab Muslims control of Egypt, which they ruled from their new capital of Fustat (later Cairo) N of Babylon-in-Egypt. Modern-day Muslim apologists who try to push the phony conception of jihad as an inner struggle but have to confront history like this of unprovoked invasion and takeover actually stoop to claim that these Egyptian Christians were really proto-Muslims because they were Arians and saw eye-to-eye on Christ's lack of divinity, hence they were just being liberated. :) On Nov. 8, 641 the Treaty of Alexandria, which sealed the Arab conquest of Egypt expressly stipulated that the city's 40K Jews were to be allowed to remain, after which the last Byzantine troops evacuated the city on Sept. 17, 642; too bad, the Arabs allegedly burned the 300K papyrus scrolls of the Library of Alexandria to heat the public baths, the supply running out in one year, ending the great School of Alexandria that brought us all that math and science, and worse, the closing of the Mediterranean by Islamic pirates on endless jihad shut off the supply of papyrus to the West, forcing aging papyrus books to have to be replaced by more expensive parchment, causing 95% or more of classical Western works to be lost forever. So despite what the Christians did to pagan Alexandrian librarian Hypatia in 415, it was the Muslims who finally destroyed the accumulated knowledge of the ancients and brought on the Dark Ages, how 'bout them apples, Adam? Too bad, after the Copts found out about being treated as 9th class and having to pay jizya, they finally started a long and hopeless resistance that petered out by the 9th cent. Worse, while Persia managed to hold onto its language and culture, especially after work of 10th cent. Persian poet Firdowsi, Egypt was completely absorbed, and the pop. began speaking Arabic instead of Coptic. The pop. of Egypt, which was 9M in 641, is now 80M, and the Coptic pop. has slid from a majority (90+%?) to 10% (800K), and going down fast.

The Muslim conquest of Egypt caused Adulis (key to the trade route to India) to be closed to old Arabian enemy Abyssinia (Ethiopia), which was cut off from the rest of Christendom for the next eight cents. Can these Jews, er, Muslims do no wrong? Stay tuned to the next episode of Don't Get Mad starring Moses Geteven.

Byzantine Emperor Constans II Pogonatus (630-68)

On Feb. 11, 641 Emperor Heraclius I (b. 575) died after losing Syria, Palestine, Mesopotamia, and Egypt to the Muslims, and his sons Constantine III (Heraclius Novus Constantinus) (b. 612) and his younger half-brother (son of Martina) Heraclonas succeeded him, but Constantine III died on May 25 of TB (murdered?), and in Sept. after Martina was suspected of poisoning him, Heraclius' 11-y.-o. grandson Constans (Constantius) II Pogonatus (Pogonatos) (the Bearded) (630-68) was made co-emperor under pressure, but soon the Senate deposed Heraclonas, slit his nose to make him unworthy of being emperor (a saving face thing in reverse), and exiled him, along with Martina and her other sons, and Constans II became sole Byzantine emperor, becoming the one with the longest beard, making him the Abe Lincoln of the Bee-Beards, and he tried to be worthy of it by organizing against the Muslim Arab threat, redoing the provincial administration by establishing themes (themata) and strategoi (military governors) with wide authority over civil officials to mobilize against invading raghead killer zombies, his new organization working well enough to stay in place for centuries, Orajel says to my toothache pain, you're done.

In 642 the Arabs broke through the Darband (Derbent) Gate (which the Arabs call the Bab al Abwab or Gate of Gates) on the Caspian shore in Dagestan near the Azerbaijani border into the Euro side of the North Caucasus in an attempt to get to Constantinople from the rear, where they were repelled by the pagan polytheist polygamous Turkic Khazars, and kept coming back until a last great battle in 652, in which both sides used catapults and ballistae, and 4K Arabs were killed, incl. cmdr. Abdal Rahman ibn Rabiah, after which they didn't attempt it again for the next 30-40 years although they took Darband in 654 and turned it into a beachhead center for introducing Islam into the area, turning Dagestan into a backward retro tribalistic area to this day.

In 643 the relentless Arab Saracens under Amr ibn al-As took Tripoli in N Africa. Amr forced the Jews and Christians to hand over their women and children as slaves to the Arab army, telling them to deduct the handover from the next jizya punishment tax, ten bucks per orifice, do you think we can find some ropes so we can tie up Roughie. In 652 in order to have plenty of raisin heads for menial labor, Nubia was forced to send an annual levy of slaves of Cairo, which continued until 1276.

In Jan. 644 the Battle of Rasil on the W bank of the Indus River saw the Rashidun caliphate led by Subhail ibn Adi attack and the Buddhist Rai Kingdom (founded 416), annexing the Makran coast, weakening it and causing it to go kaput.

Then the Christians, Hindus, Buddhists et al. got a lucky break. On Nov. 7, 644 Caliph Omar (b. 581) was stabbed to death in a mosque in Medina by a Persian slave with a personal (not poltical) grudge against him (didn't use enough olive oil?) right after appointing a committee to determine his successor (sure it wasn't political?). He was succeeded by converted Banu Umayya clan Quraysh tribe pagan Othman (Uthman) (Osman) ibn Affan (579-656) as caliph #3 (until 656), who went on to attempt to centralize the administration of the new Muslim territories from Medina, continued the conquest of the Iranian plateau, and ordered the creation of a definitive official ed. of the Quran, the first digitally remastered DVD set of the Osmonds. He uttered the famous Muslim soundbyte "Allah restricts through the state what he doesn't restrict through the Quran." In 644 he ordered a multi-pronged advance into Armenia.

Meanwhile in 646 a Byzantine fleet recaptured Alexandia from the Muslims, but did nothing to replace the priceless scrolls of antiquity burned there, I guess I better quit harping on it, but that didn't stop the Muslims from beginning an invasion of N Africa in 647-8, turning it into the Muslim province of Ifriqiya and assembling a fleet and taking Cyprus in 648, the plague is waterborne now.

In 647 the Muslims raided Cappadocia, taking and plundering Kayseri (Caesarea), raping Christian women in churches, executing the leaders and taking the pop. into slavery, causing the Christians to return to their underground cities, consisting of 200 complexes, with some rooms big enough to hold 10K. Speaking of the Arab slave trade, between 650 and 1900 11-18 million black mostly non-Muslim Africans were enslaved by Arab Muslim slave traders and taken across the Red Sea, Indian Ocean, and Sahara Desert, compared to 9-14 million brought to the Americas by Christian, Jewish, and Arab slave traders in the 15th-19th centuries, my mission is to find you the best consumer deal. In the 18th-19th centuries the Arab slave trade in E Africa saw 500-1K slaves taken at a time from villages in E Africa, held in Zanzibar in the Shimoni caves for up to 3 weeks, then shipped to Yemen and America.

In 649 the Muslims raided Carthage from Libya and killed Christian Exarch Gregory, then in 651 defeated a Byzantine fleet off the coast of Egypt. Meanwhile around 650 they completed their conquest of the Persian Empire, pancreas, liver, kidneys, all liquified despite the CDC Stage 3 Alert, sure it moves fast, but I still think there's hope for us.

One bright spot if you think Christ was black. In 651 after 10 years of trying to take Nubia, only to be stopped by super-accurate "eyesmiter" archers, a nonaggression treaty (bakt) was concluded with the Arab Muslims, agreeing on Aswan as the S limit of Arab expansion, giving Nubia five cents. of peace in return for the annual quota of slaves, switch to Nubian Liberty Mutual and save 25% on your policy.

More good news for future Osama bin Ladens. In 652 the Arabs captured Khurasan (Khorasan) ("land where the Sun rises") and introduced Islam to guess-what Afghanistan, conquering Kabul in 664-70, causing Alexander the Great to roll over in his grave in Alexandria, as if they didn't run that too.

Just when you thought this couldn't get any worse, in 654 the Byzantines, personally led by Emperor Constans II took on the Arab Egyptian fleet in the naval Battle of the Masts (Phoenix) off the coast of Finike (Poenice) in Lycia, and were so roundly whipped that Constans sought refuge in Syracuse. Muslim naval superiority was established in the Mediterranean, which became a Muslim lake until 1571, causing West Europe to become isolated and revert to a purely agricultural civilization with minimal trade and communications, causing Feudalism (OHG fehu ot = "cattle possession") to be developed and go into full bloom in the 9th through 15th cents. (the term itself wasn't used until the 17th cent.), shades of Odysseus. In 654 the Arabs conquer and plunder Rhodes, setting it up as a new naval base and springboard, selling the remains of the Colossus of Rhodes (-226 B.C.E.) to a Jew from Edessa (Homs), Syria, who allegedly transports the bronze on 900 camels, although this is probably moose hockey invented by Christians to fulfill the prophesy of the destruction of the great statue in Nebuchadnezzar's dream in Daniel 2:31-35 - Mel Gibson jokes here?

In 654 the Arabs conquered and plundered Rhodes, setting it up as a new naval base and springboard, selling the remains of the Colossus of Rhodes (-226 B.C.E.) to a Jew from Edessa (Homs), Syria, who allegedly transports the bronze on 900 camels, although this is probably moose hockey invented by Christians to fulfill the prophesy of the destruction of the great statue in Nebuchadnezzar's dream in Daniel 2:31-35 - Mel Gibson jokes here?

Shit and Shinola Shinola

Just when they were getting successful, shit really did happen in Islam, and it started to go kablooey and turn against itself, which is no surprise since it's a Satanic murder cult based on the clean-burning mind fuel of hate, the ultimate drug of Satan. On July 17, 656 after the Mushaf of Othman, the Official Text of the Quran (which was previously preserved on scraps of "date leaves, [camel] bones, stone, and the breasts of men") is established on his orders, ordering all other copies of the Quran burned, 80-y.-o. Caliph Othman (b. 574) is stoned in the streets of Medina by a mob of rebel Muslim forces from Egypt (who are pissed off by low pay and prestige despite being early converts, and by Othman's appointment of members of his own Umayya clan to top admin. posts), driven to his house, and assassinated while reading it, causing the Arab world to go into turmoil for five years, giving the Byzantines a rest; at first Muhammad's cousin and son-in-law and adopted son and closest male relative Ali ibn Abi Talib (599-61) (born in Mecca to Abu Talib ibn Abd al-Muttalib and Fatima bint Asad, and raised in Abu Talib's house alongside Muhammad, who became the husband of Muhammad's daughter Fatima Zahra, and father of Hasan and Hussayn or Hussein) becomes cmdr. of the faithful, and last of the Four Rashidun (Rightly Guided) Caliphs, with capital in Kufa, Iraq, stressing the equality of all Muslims and the role of the caliph as imam (spiritual leader), and disapproving of the degenerate game of chess for Muslims; the Sunni-Shite Split begins with a dispute over the caliphate, with Shiites claiming that Ali was Muhammad's choice all along, and that the preceding caliphs perverted the True Faith, yadda yadda yadda, so that ever after only Ali's descendants are accepted by them as imams and caliphs, turning Islam into a family branch thang; Muawiya (Arab. "strong of arm?") I (602-80), Mecca-born former secy. of Prophet Muhammad and gen. of Abu-Bakr vies unsuccessfully for the caliphate then settles for becoming gov. of Egypt and Syria (until 661).

Speaking of perverting the true spirit, the oldest surviving copy of the Quran is dated to over a century after the death of Muhammad, and with the Hadith the oldest surviving ms. dates to two centuries. Are you lost, Neo?

Too bad, when Ali fails to punish Othman's murderers, another split happens, the anti-Ali party being called the Joe Foreman, er, Kharijites (Kharijis) (Khawarij) ("deserters"), who end up splitting into Fifteen Sects, incl. the Azariqa, who murder Muslim women and children for imperfectly practicing the faith, while the pro-Ali party splits into the Shiites (Shi'ites) (Arab. "Shi'ah" = "followers [of Ali]"), who reject the first three caliphs, don't accept the Sunna (non-Quranic sayings and doings of Muhammad, taken as gospel) as authoritative, and claim Ali as the first true imam ("leader", "guide"), and the Sunnis, who accept all four, and love the Sunna as well as the Quran (sounds like they beat the Catholics and Protestants?), and on Nov. 7, 556 the First Muslim Civil War (Fitna) (ends 661) begins with the Battle of the Camel outside Basra, Iraq, where the forces of Fourth and Final Rightly Guided Caliph Ali defeat the triad of Muhammad's widow A'isha (Ayesha) (who leads a camel charge), and his former male companions al-Zubayr and Talha (after they split with him for failing to punish Othman's murderers), supported by the Quraysh of Medina (who feel threatened by Ali's embracing of the Ansar or Medinan converts); al-Zubayr and Talha are killed; A'isha is captured, and retires from politics.

But even more split happens in Muslimland? The Shiites later split between those who believe that caliphs must be descended through Ali's wife (Muhammad's daughter) Fatima, and those who accept any descendant, and then further split among those who believe that Ali is an incarnation of God, and even further among those who believe that he will be reincarnated as the 12th imam or Mahdi, the Muslim Messiah who will establish the Millennium (Muslim Millennium Fever); over the never several cents. the two groups diverge in their practices: Sunnis pray with their arms folded below the rib cage, Shiites with their arms straight down at the sides; Sunni mosques tend to have domes and minarets and prohibit all images, Shiite mosques tend to have portraits of Ali and/or Hussein; Sunni clerics usually wear white headgear, Shiite clerics are more elaborately attired and also have black or green headgear; Sunni homes like to display quotes from the Quran, and fly white flags after returning from Mecca; Shiite homes like to display images of Ali and fly colorful flags from their roofs during every important religious occasion; in modern times Shiites hang Aleks (strips of green cloth) from their rearview mirrors; Shiites like to wear a Turbah (disc made of clay, stone or wood from the battlefield in Karbala where Hussein was slain) under their forehead during prayers to prevent it from touching an artificial material, but Sunnis consider it idol worship and confiscate them when they go to Mecca; Sunnis like to name themselves after Abu Bakr, Omar, and Uthman, while Shiites like to name themselves after Ali, Hussein, and Fatima Zahra; Sunni tribal names incl. Bakri, Dulaimi, and Samarrai; Shiite tribal names incl. Moussawi, Rubaie and Sa'aedi; the Jaburi, Khafaji and Shammari tribes have members of both sects; in modern times the Shiite pop. is centered in Iran, with a fork jutting into the Basra area of Iraq, while the Sunnis have them totally surrounded and outnumbered, but are plagued by a number of sellouts to Satanic Western secularism - and probably a number of Zionist moles? Speaking of St. Peter, Shiites regard him as the first imam after Jesus, holy shiite that sounds almost Roman Catholic of them.

This is the start of Takfir, the act of one Sunni group denouncing another Sunni group as being kafir (infidels), allowing them to be killed with impunity, which makes a joke out of Pres. Obama et al. denouncing the Sunni ISIS group as not being true Muslims because they kill fellow Muslims. Indeed, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri pub. the essay "Jihad, Martyrdom, and the Killing of Innocents", claiming that Muslims may kill Muslims during a jihad, and the most they have to pay is some blood money because "Those Muslims who are accidentally killed are martyrs; and the obligatory jihad should never be abandoned because it creates martyrs."

Shiites and Sunnis Map Jamkaran Mosque Sauron's Eye

But even more split happened in Muslimland. The Shiites later split between those who believe that caliphs must be descended through Ali's wife (Muhammad's daughter) Fatima, and those who accept any descendant, and then further split among those who believe that Ali is an incarnation of God, and even further among those who believe that he will be reincarnated as the Mahdi, ("divinely-guided one"), the Muslim Messiah who will stay on Earth for 7-19 years before the Second Coming of Issa (Jesus), who will kill the blind-in-the-right-eye Dajjal (al-Masaih ad-Dajjal = "false Messiah") and defeat his army of the deceived on the Yawm al-Qiyamah (Day of the Resurrection) (Surah 75) and establish the Muslim Millennium, or that he will be the mysterious son of the 11th imam, Muhammad al-Mahdi (869-?), who disappeared after his daddy died in 874. You got it, to Muslims the coming Messiah will be one of them, who will work with returned non-divine Jesus to kill the Antichrist, while to Christians the returned divine Jesus will work with them or for them to kill the Devil-controlled Antichrist, who just might be Muslim himself, and works with Muslims against Christians while portraying Jesus as the false Messiah to confuse them, what a way for the Age of Religion to go. To Sunnis, the Mahdi has yet to emerge in history, while to a Shiite he's already been here and will be baaack after reappearing from the Jamkaran Well at the Jamkaran Mosque of Qum, where tens of thousands now show up every Tues. evening to pray and drop him a note; Article 5 places supreme govt. power in the hands of a faqih (legal scholar), but only "during the Occultation of the Wali al-Asr", or, in infidel terms, the disappearance of the Mahdi hidden up Allah's asshole will end after the great nuclear apocalypse caused by Iran destroys all the pesky infidels including Sunnis, Jews, and Yankees, so that the Supreme Assaholah can safely give control of the rubble to the Great Wall-to-Wall Asshole to rule his miraculously-saved true faithful Shiteaters of Persia, who will live in bliss in Allah's Paradise in Hell :) The 2000 Noreaga and Achernar flick The Arrivals attempts to prove that the Dajjal is the leader of the Illuminati and Zionists because the Illuminati symbol is the all-seeing eye, which makes him 1-eyed like Sauron the Lidless Eye in J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings", this is the result of 1400 years of research into a dark cave. Bukhari 6.160 claims that the sign of the arrival of the Muslim Messiah will be that the Sun rises in the West, a Beast arises from the Earth, and the Dajjal arrives, it's complicated, story matters here. True believers rely on the Al-Jafr by Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib (the true caliph after Muhammad according to the Shiites), as transmitted by Jafar al-Sadiq, which uses numerology (huruf) to predict the events leading to Judgment Day, becoming a big hit with Hezbollah and Iran.

Over the next several centuries the two groups split Muslimland, with the Sunnis (90%) encircling the Shiites centered in Iran and Iraq between the Persian Gulf and Caspian Sea. They also diverged in their practices, and here's a summary if you can keep from upchucking: Sunnis pray with their arms folded below the rib cage, Shiites with their arms straight down at the sides; Sunni mosques tend to have domes and minarets and prohibit all images, Shiite mosques tend to have portraits of Ali and/or Hussein; Sunni clerics usually wear white headgear, Shiite clerics are more elaborately attired and also have black or green headgear; Sunni homes like to display quotes from the Quran, and fly white flags after returning from Mecca; Shiite homes like to display images of Ali and fly colorful flags from their roofs during every important religious occasion; in modern times Shiites hang Aleks (strips of green cloth) from their rearview mirrors; Shiites like to wear a Turbah (disc made of clay, stone or wood from the battlefield in Karbala where Hussein was slain) under their forehead during prayers to prevent it from touching an artificial material, but Sunnis consider it idol worship and confiscate them when they go to Mecca; Sunnis like to name themselves after Abu Bakr, Omar and Uthman, while Shiites like to name themselves after Ali, Hussein and Fatima Zahra; Sunni tribal names include Bakri, Dulaimi, and Samarrai; Shiite tribal names include Moussawi, Rubaie and Sa'aedi; the Jaburi, Khafaji and Shammari tribes have members of both sects.

In modern times the Shiite pop. is centered in Iran, with a fork jutting into the Basra area of Iraq, while the Sunnis have them totally surrounded and outnumbered, except in powder keg Iraq, but are plagued by a number of sellouts to Satanic Western secularism (and probably a number of Zionist moles, chuckle).

Taco Bell Dog Disney's Pinocchio

This is a good place to mention the Shiite Muslim double-dumbass-on-you practice of Taqiyya (Taqqiya) ("prevention"), and Kitman (hiding relevant information), and the Sunni equivalent called Muruna ("stealth", "flexibility"). Taqiyya, the Muslim Taco Bell Dog is a dispensation backed by Muhammad's example for true believers to conceal their faith and its goals and lie to unbelievers when under threat, persecution, or compulsion to prevent harm from coming to Da Great Cause, allowing them to act as secret agents for Allah and do his work to gain any advantage against infidels who all belong to Hell and should be dead anyway, with the goal of establishing Supreme Sharia over their land, hey I'm an American Muslim and I'm working to build a better America, accept me I'm harmless, are you ready to play, let's play, 30 seconds on the clock for one million dollars. This doctrine even carries over to deceptive foreign translations of the Quran to make the domination language evaporate while serving lamb and baklava at the study group. As Sunni scholar Ghazali put it: "Speaking is a means to obtain objectives.. When it is possible to achieve a [praiseworthy] aim by lying but not by telling the truth, it is permissible to lie if the goal is permissible, and obligatory to lie when the goal is obligatory." Shiites at least admit to the doctrine, while Sunnis don't, because they're one-upping them, knowing that Quran 3:28 (Ali-'Imran) , which commands Muslims not to take non-Muslims as "friends or helpers", "unless you guard yourselves against them", uses the Arabic word "tuqatan" for guard, the verbal noun form of taqiyyatan, from which the word taqiyya is derived, I did my research, and Islam First has the best prices for chameleon contacts. In practice, think about it, the ultimate command to Muslims is to push the Quran on as many people as possible, and let it do its own work, it won't take even kids long to 'get' it. Speaking of how it's not some outmoded idea, in the 1980s Pakistani pres. Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq uttered the soundbyte to infidel U.S. Pres. Ronald Reagan that when it comes to signing Geneva agreements yet continuing to supply weapons to Afghan jihadis fighting the infidel Soviet Union: "We'll just lie about it. That's what we've been doing for eight years. Muslims have the right to lie in a good cause." You guessed it, modern-day Muslims lie (commit taqiyya) about taqiyya, even portraying it as a fetish of Islamophobics.

On July 26-29, 657 Caliph Ali met with wild card Muawiya, who was seeking to avenge the murder of his Umayyad relative Othman at the Battle of Siffin on the upper Euphrates River near modern-day Ar-Raqqah, Syria After the battle began, Muawiya's Syrian troops demanded arbitration, brandishing pages of the Quran, causing the battle to be deferred until a committee could meet - why do you stop, you know the rules, because we do?

Screw committees, this is Monomaniac Mind Control Islam. In July, 658 the Battle of Nahrawan saw Caliph Ali decimate the small group of Kharijite secessionists who believed that Allah not a committee should arbitrate a caliphate dispute, and that therefore Ali and his followers are not true Muslims, after which they continued on as the smallest division of Islam, practicing extreme equality without regard to blood descent, and establishing enclaves along the Persian Gulf, Oman, and North Africa.

In 659 Constans II concluded a truce with Arab cmdr. of Syria Muawiya, who told the caliphate committee what's what, openly asserting his claim to the caliphate from distant Damascus.

Breaking Bad

There are only two episodes of Breaking Bad left? Don't count on it. On Jan. 27, 661 (19th day of Ramadan) caliph Ali ibn Abu Talib ("seeker of knowledge") (b. 599), husband of Prophet Muhammad's daughter Fatima Zahra was assassinated (poisoned) by a Kharijite named Ibn Mujan, and his eldest son Hasan (624-70), brother of Husayn (Hussein) (626-80) was encouraged to vie for the caliphate, but (after noting that Muawiya has the biggest Muslim army?) he declined, and Husayn waited in the wings until 669, while Muawiya became caliph #5 Muawiya (Muawiyah) (Mu'awia) (Mu'awiya) (Moawiya) ("proclaiming the unity of God") I ibn Abi Sufyan (602-680), founding the Umayyad (Omayyad) Dynasty, based in Damascus (ends 750, although the Umayyad style of architecture survives in Spain until 1000). After he reneged on his treaty with Ali that promises not to name his son as successor, the Shiites started calling him a usurper and mulk (king) (an un-Islamic departure from precedent), and reviled him. Nonplussed, he beautified Damascus to rival Constantinople, while allowing the provinces to be administered by Byzantine and Sassanid bureaucrats in pre-Islamic government divisions (diwans), who conducted official business in infidel Greek and Pahlavi.

Don't count the Christians out yet, and keep your boots shined. In 663 Emperor Constans II transferred his court from Constantinople to Italy in a chess move of blocking Arab conquest of Italy and Sicily, with dreams of restoring Rome to its old imperial glory dancing in his head, starting by stripping it of all remaining valuables, becoming the last visit by a Byzantine emperor, please, folks, the President's ETA from the Middle East Summit is at 0:600, I want an army of experts ready to sign hundreds of thousands of affadavits.

666 666 666 St. John of Damascus (676-754)

The Big Year 666 approached, and yet the Muslims seemed to be slowing down, it was a counterclimax, the only apocalyptic thing of note being the Great Plague in Britain and Ireland in 664-8. In 666 the Muslims led by Mu'awiya ibn Hudayj raided Sicily, who cares, you can have it, fuggedaboutit, and in 667 they first crossed the Oxus River into C Asia, you can have that too, just leave the vital parts of the old Jesus-loving Roman empire alone. Meanwhile the Arab onslaught on Christendom was so out of the blue and ill-understood that the Christian View of Muhammad was a total blank, with most not even knowing that the invaders had a new prophet or what his name was, believing only that the attacks were by pagans and were a punishment of God for their own sins, I'm still trying to picture how Christians who can't speak or read Arabic are supposed to decide to convert or know the options before losing their heads, Abdul, don't keep the customer waiting, whap. Only one anonymous Byzantine document written in Palestine between 634-40 titled Doctrina Iacobi Nuper Baptizati (The Teaching of the Recently-Baptized Jacob) contained the soundbyte about Muhammad, who is not mentioned by name: "He is deceiving. For do prophets come with sword and chariot?... You will discover nothing true from the said prophet except human bloodshed." It was not until Arab Christian monk-priest St. John of Damascus (676-754) began writing on Islam that Christendom finally got clued in, with the new term "false prophet" coined and used ever since, with later biographers placing his death in 666 to cinch their view that he is the feared Antichrist, while others changed his name to Mahmound, meaning Devil Incarnate, it was a war of disinformation on both sides.

Theodore of Tarsus (601-90) Pope St. Vitalian (-672)

On Mar. 26, 668 after the coast was clear, and being recommended by Abbot Hadrian of St. Peter's in Canterbury, England for his personal experience with the bearded turbaned Antichrists, bearded bald-headed Greek Orthodox monk Theodore of Tarsus (601-90), who fled Tarsus to Constantinople in 637 when the Muslims took it, and was living in Rome at the Eastern Orthodox monastery of St. Anastasias, and had by now mastered Latin as well as Greek lit., introducing the litany of the saints to the West, can you afford not to be in good hands with Allsaint, was consecrated as archbishop #8 of Canterbury by the vital 666-riding Pope (657-72) Pope St. Vitalian (Vitalianus) (-672), and headed on down, no turban in sight, arriving on May 27, 669, and hitting it off by spreading delectable scare stories about them terrible Arab Antichrists - it's the Year 666, five heads and ten eyes, that was just the donkey - as the Good Book says, all things comes to them who wait?

Meanwhile on Sept. 15, 668 after he proved too expensive to maintain in his accustomed style, Byzantine Emperor Constans II was murdered during a mutiny in Syracuse, Sicily while bathing by a cubicularius, and the Armenian patrician Mezezius (-669) was proclaimed emperor by the rebels. Too bad, the troops and local pop. wouldn't buy it, and he lasted only a few mo., while Constans II's son Constantine IV claimed the throne. As if the Busy Bees didn't have enough problems, Caliph Muawiya I sent an army under his son Yazid I against them, and it reached as far as Chalcedon, taking Amorion. Talk about a weird historical feeling, to be emperor of 666 Ghost Rome and be called Zeus from Mount Ararat.

Emperor Constantine IV (652-85) Terminator

In 669 Constans II Pogonatus' son Constantine IV (652-685) finally went with a force to Sicily to kill Mezezius and put down the revolt, or some troops from Italy and Africa did it for him and sent him Mezezius' head, my copy of the Byzantine Mirror is smudged, after which Constantine IV became sole Byzantine emperor (until 685), and returned the court to Constantinople, where he was forced by his troops to accept his brothers Heraclius and Tiberius as co-emperors for an insurance policy (until 680). Meanwhile after the Byzantines recovered Amorion, the Muslims attacked Carthage and Sicily. They can't be reasoned with, they can't be bargained with, and they never ever, ever, give up, they're the original Terminators.

In 670 Muhammad's grandson Hasan (b. 624) died in retirement in Medina, and his younger brother so damn insane, er, Husayn (Hussein) ibn Ali (626-80) finally got his turn to revolt, claiming the title of caliph (2nd/3rd imam of the Shi'ites), alleging corruption of Muawiya, and leading a revolt in Iraq based in Caliph Ali's old capital of Kufa (ends 680).

Great Mosque of Kairouan, 670

In 670 the Muslims captured Cyzicus in Mysia on the W coast of Asia Minor, allowing them to set up a naval base to attack the Byzantines; meanwhile they set up a naval base in Kairouan (Qayrawan) in Tunisia in N Africa (northernmost bulge of the continent), making Islam a major naval power, able to launch raids N on Europe and W across N Africa; they immediately begsn building the Great Mosque of Kairouan, the oldest mosque in the Western Islamic world.

In 671 Ziyad ibn Abihi (622-73), Umayyad gov. of Kufa sent 50K troops to Merv in Persia in a plan to resettle Arabs in the area, causing the male soldiers to begin marrying indigenous Zoroastrian Persian women, which ended up backfiring in the 8th cent. when their descendants sparked the Abbasid rev. that overthrew the Umayyads in 750.

An all-new epsiode of Mad Men is about to begin. In 672 the Muslim troops of Caliph Muawiya I captured Smyrna and other coastal cities in Asian Minor, along with the island of Rhodes, then, under Gen. Abd Errahman, son of Khaled (who later died and was replaced by Gen. Sophian and his son Yezid) they sieged rich Constantinople, believing that the first army to siege the city of the Caesars will have their sins forgiven, or at least plenty of consolation prizes, and in Apr. 673 they began a land-sea attack on Constantinople, giving up in Sept. but blockading the city and beginning an annual attack for the next five years, until 678. Meanwhile in 673 brother Arabs began yearly raids until 704 across the Oxus River in an attempt to capture Bukhara and Soghdiana, and you think the U.S.-Mexico border is a problem.

Greek Fire, 673-

But the West had secret veapons. In Apr. 674 the Muslims passed unimpeded through the Hellespont and landed troops near Hebdomon Palace 7 mi. from Constantinople, but were repulsed, with Greek Fire (a flamethrower that puts people and ships on fire and can burn on water, invented in 673 by Syrian engineer refugee Callinicus) being used against them by the busy buzzing Byzantines for the first time, causing the soldiers of Blallah to back off and plunder the coasts of the Propontis until Sept., then retreat to the isle of Cyzicus for the winter. Being stupid zombies, they repeated this cycle until 678, giving up with the loss of 30K troops, leaving behind the grave of martyr Abu Ayub al-Ansari (whom the Christians confused with Job?), which was miraculously relocated via a holy vision after the fall of the city in 1453, becoming the site of the 4-star Mosque of Abu Ayub, where Ottoman sultans are coronated with the sword of Osman.

In 678 the Byzantines used Greek Fire to destroy the Arab fleet at the naval Battle of Syllaeum in Pamphylia, and defeated them on land in Lycia, keep your head down, there's a lot of gunfire.


On May 6, 680 Caliph Muawiya I (b. 602) died after planning to capture Constantinople the long way around by sending a western invasion force to Spain under Musa ibn Nusayr (640-716) (son of a Jewish convert to Islam, who had his own motives?), which is cancelled. He was succeeded as Umayyad caliph in Damascus by his son Yazid I (647-83), causing the Muslim siege of Constantinople to end, and turning the caliphate into a oh-hell-no hereditary dynasty. On Oct. 2, 680 after trying to reach his main base of Kufa and being intercepted by a 1K-man vanguard of Yazid I's army, rival caliph Husayn bin Ali (b. 626) was done in at the town of Karbala (Kerbala) in Iraq 60 mi. SW of Baghdad near the Euphrates River, and on Oct. 3 a 3K-man army of Yazid I led by clergyman (not military man) Umar (Omar) ibn Sa'ad (gov. of Ray) arrived, beefing up to 20K by Oct. 6 and 30K by Oct. 10, cutting off the water supply to the town on Oct. 7, causing Husayn's half-brother Abbas ("lion") ibn Ali (b. 647) (eldest son of Ali ibn Abi Talib and 2nd wife Fatima bint Hizam al-Kilabiyya) (known as the greatest warrior in Arabia) to bravely sally out alone to get water for the women and children, and get killed after losing both arms and carrying the waterbag in his teeth?; on Oct. 10 (Muharram 10) Husayn ibn Ali and his 72 loyal companions (close relatives of Prophet Muhammad), incl. his other half-brother Usman (Uthman) ibn Ali sally out and take them all on at the Battle of Karbala (Kerbala), and are all massacred by Shimr ibn Dhi'l-Jawshan (bin Ziljoshan) after putting up a heroic fight, after which Husayn's head is placed on a lance and sent as a gift to Yazid I, beginning the Second Muslim Civil War (Fitna) (ends 692); the bodies of Husayn and Abbas were buried by the local Bani Asad tribe at the Masshad Al-Husayn Tomb, which became a Shiite religious pilgrimage site. The Sunni-Shiite split was hardened forever as the Shiites (who believe in a hereditary imamate, vs. an elective caliphate for the Sunnis) begin commemorating Husayn's martyrdom in the yearly ritual of Ashura (Ashoura) (Aashurah) ("tenth"), held on the 10th day of the Islamic month of Muharram, where the faithful march in processions beating their chests, drawing their own blood (cutting themselves) and mourning their failure to help Husayn battle Yazid, the loss consigning Shiites to minority status in the Islamic world. Some Shiites don't draw blood because harming one's own body is un-Islamic, body not mind. Some of Hussein's followers believed that he didn't really die and will one day return, while others followed his brother Muhammad, and others followed Hussein's son Zayn al-Abidin and later his son Muhammad al-Baqir.

Pope  St. Agatho (577-681)

The Muslim menace temporarily in check, the Christians went back to their superfine distinctions about the Godhead with the Sixth Ecumenical Synod (Third Council of Constantinople) in Constantinople on Nov. 7 680, which decided the pressing issue of the popular new Syrian-Armenian doctrine of Monothelitism (a new 2N1W variant of 1N2W Monophysitism that claims that Christ doesn't have one nature, divine, and two wills, divine and human, but two natures, divine and human, and one will, divine), which was rejected as heretical on Sept. 16, 681 after 18 meetings in favor of the 2N2W Orthodox doctrine after Syrian-born deacon St. Andreas (669-740) gave great speeches winning them over. Nobody wanted to discover Newton's Law of Force or the Periodic Table, of course, their souls came first and God told them he'd give them a Ph.D exam in theology before he'd let them enter the gates of Heaven, I guess I missed that part of the Bible. Too bad, this decision caused Monophysite-friendly Syria and Egypt and its patriarchs of Antioch, Alexandria and Jerusalem to bug out of the Byzantine church forever, and it started to lose its dominance over the West, with Pope (678-81) St. Agatho (577-681), becoming the first Roman pope to interpret Luke 22:31 in support of papal claims to the primacy of the succession of the alleged first bishop St. Peter (Jesus' disciple way back when, who they claimed was the first Christian bishop of Rome, even though he may actually have never set foot there, who cares it's about power now and in the future), putting all Italian, er, Roman archbishops forever ahead of any Greek, er, archbishops of Constantinople no matter what they do about them Muslims.

I might have shocked you by blaming Islam on the Jews, but there it is. The Arab world of Kutam was filled with illiterate pagan bedouins, and it was them Jews that made him what he was, teaching him about monotheism and the Bible, opening up a whole new fairy tale world to his mind, and manufacturing his holy literature out of some secret Jewish literature factory, unless you want to accept the official Muslim coverstory. It's easy to understand that they needed him as a front to survive in a world that was shrinking daily, and were already dealing with him all the time via their caravans, who knows all the sordid details. As proof that they had no time to lose, on Jan. 9, 681 the Twelfth Council of Toledo, convened by Spanish king Ervig and run by fanatically anti-Semitic Bishop Julian of Toledo (642-90) (himself probably of Jewish descent, making him more anti-Semitic to avoid suspicion?) issued 28 laws condemning the Jews, forbidding them from observing the Sabbath et al., showing how fair they were by changing the death sentence for Jewish converts to Christianity relapsing to 100 lashes plus lifetime persecution, while enacting many devilish details such as mutilation of a father and de-nosing of a mother for circumcizing their son, although new Jewish converts to Christianity were allowed to skip pork, after which all local Jews were forced to hear the decrees read in the Church of the Holy Virgin, hurry up 711.

In 683 Muslim Umayyad forces reached Tangier and the Atlantic Ocean. Sidi Okba (Uqba) ibn Nafi, Arab conqueror of North Africa was killed 10 mi. from the Sahara oasis town of Biskra, Algeria, his tomb containining the earliest known Arabic inscription in North Africa. The same year, after Abdullah ibn Zubayr (624-92) (son of Caliph Abu Bakr's daughter Asma, and nephew of Muhammad's wife Aisha) and Abdullah ibn Umar (614-93) (son of Caliph Omar) begin a revolt in the Hejaz, winning the Aug. 26 Battle of al-Harrah NE of Media, then capturing Medina and sieging Mecca (damaging the Kaabah), Yazid I (b. 645) dies suddenly, and his son Muawiyah (Moawiyah) (Mu'awiya) II (661-84) becomes the Muslim Umayyad caliph #3 (until 684), but al-Zubayr's son Abdallah ibn al-Zubayr (624-92) (whose father Zubayr ibn al-Awwam is the nephew of Muhammad's wife Aisha, and whose mother Asma bint Abu Bakr is the daughter of Caliph Abu Bakr) rises against him, demanding that the caliph be selected from the Quraysh tribe of the Umayyad clan, in other words, himself, beginning the Second Muslim (Islamic) Civil War (Fitna) (ends 692) in Arabia and Iraq; meanwhile the Qays tribal confederation in N Syria and Iraq backs al-Zubayr, while the rival confederation of Kalb in S Syria and Palestine backs the Umayyads, causing a separate feud.

In June 684 a major conference of the Arab tribes elected Marwan I ibn al-Hakam (623-85) ruler of the Marwanid branch of the Umayyad clan as Ummayad caliph #4 (until Apr. 12, 685), representing a break, since the first three Umayyad rulers were from the Sufyanid branch. On Aug. 18, 684 the Second Battle of Marj Rahit (Marj-al-Rahit) saw the Kalbs defeat the Qaysis without really ending the feud, which continued to fester, eating at the Umayyad base.

On Apr. 12, 685 Marwan I (b. 623) died, and his son Abd al-Malik (Abdal Melik) (Abdel Malik) (Arab. "servant of the king") ibn Marwan (646-705) became the 5th Muslim Umayyad caliph, making Arabic the official admin. language in 696, and instituting the barid (1 barid = 4 farsakh = 12 mi.) pony express-style postal and spy system. Al-Malik also designed a unique standard Umayyad Coinage independent of the Byzantines and Sassanids, consisting of gold dinars and silver dirhams, all devoid of pictures, and containing Arabic inscriptions, after which cartoons of Muhammad were definitely out; Muslim history from here back to Muhammad is a later fabrication? Meanwhile al-Mukhtar began the Mawali Mahdi Uprising on behalf of Muhammad ibn al-Hanafiyya (636-700), a son of Caliph Ali by a concubine, which gained the support of the mawali, non-Arab converts to Islam who were treated like manure and forced to pay the jizya. In 686 Mukhtar Thaqafi proclaimed al-Hanafiyya as the first Mahdi ("divinely guided one"), the messiah who comes at the End of Days and institutes a reign of justice, obviously copied from Christ. The uprising was crushed by 687. Meanwhile the Ibadi sect claimed the 5th caliph as Abdullah ibn Wahb al-Rasibi, later becoming the majority (75%) belief in modern Oman, splitting with both the Sunnis and Shiites, and practicing dissociation but not hostility towards unbelievers and sinners, o man.

So, the holy Muslim scoresheet shows Quraysh (whose nuts start it all), who fathers Qusayy, who fathers Abd Manaf, who fathers Abd Shams and Hashim; Abd Shams fathers Umayya ibn Abd Shams, founder of the Umayyad Dynasty; Hashim fathers Abbas (Abd al-Muttalib) (566-652), who fathers al-Abbas (ancestor of Abu al-Abbas, founder of the Abbasid Dynasty), Abdallah, and Abu Talib; Abdallah fathers Muhammad the Prophet, who fathers Fatima Zahra, who marries Ali, son of Abu Talib; Ali and Fatima father Hasan and Husayn, founders of the Shiite imams and the Fatimid caliphs, what's new from the most controversial reality show in history, you'll find out in seconds.

Dahina al-Kahina (-603)

More good news for Jews and Christians. In the 680s female neckazon Dahia al-Kahina (-603) became war leader of the Berber tribes in the Aures Mts., converting to Judaism or Christianity and taking on the Umayyad armies of Hasan near Meskiania (modern-day Oum el-Bouaghi, Algeria) and defeating him so soundly that he fled Ifrqiya and holed up in Cyrenaica for 4-5 years before returning and defeating her. She died fighting them or committed suicide at age 100+ (127?) in 703, after which her tribe might have become the main source of Spanish Jews, it's a mad mad mad mad world ain't it?

The Dome of the Rock, 691 Cocky Cocky Rocky USC Rooster Cock of the Rock Kid Rock

In 691 more bad news for Jews and Christians as the Muslims really went too far and finished the octagonal Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem under Umayyad Caliph Abd El Malik ibn Mirwan (Abdal Malik), positioned on top of the ancient Jewish Temple of Jehovah to show who's cock of the rock, planting the seeds of a future Armageddon no matter what else they conquer, check back with me later when Christ returns and smashes it, if he does, no earthly power seems to be able to, welcome to the final of dancing with the stars. Inside is an Arabic inscription reading in part: "O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' - Cease! (it is) better for you! God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son."

In 692 the Umayyad Arabs under Caliph Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan defeat the Byzantines under Justinian II at the Battle of Sebastopolis in Cilicia after Justinian II's 30K-man Slavic army under Neboulos defects, becoming the first time a Muslim army uses copies of Quranic texts on their flags. In 692 Emperor Justinian II called the Quinisext Council (Trullan Synod of the Third Council of Constantinople), which settled the Biblical canon of the Eastern Church, and anathematized "Origen and Didymus and Evagrios, all of whom reintroduced feigned Greek myths"; it also condemns mandatory clerical celibacy, and approves the use of images in churches, although prohibiting the forming of the sign of the cross on the floor, and orders that the image of Christ be changed from a lamb to a human figure; it equates abortion with murder; it reasserts the equality of the patriarchates of Constantinople and Rome, which adds to Italian alienation from the East; a power struggle ensues over endorsement. Asia Minor was being Islamized fast, but at least they hadn't taken Fortress Spain yet, right? Give them another 20 years and let's see who makes the better deal.

In 693 a revolt against Spanish Visigoth Christian king Egica, led by Bishop Sisebert of Toledo seized Toledo in the name of some bum named Duke Sunifred, who minted his own coins and intended to be crowned king, until Egica kicked their butts and convened the Sixteenth Council of Toledo (Apr. 25-May 2), which defrocked Sisebert and prohibited him and his descendants from holding office. Archbishop Felix of Seville was translated to take his job in Toledo, and archbishop Faustinus of Braga was translated to Seville, while Egica had his boy son Wittiza (b. 684) crowned co-king just in case (until 702).

On Nov. 9, 694, la dee dah, Egica accused the pesky Jews of collaborating with the Moroccan Muslims (weren't they, Mel?), and ordered them enslaved and their property confiscated. Since Jews don't get mad they get even, the imminent takeover of Spain by Muslims was assured. Meanwhile in 696 Venice, the "bride of the sea" gained its independence from the weakened Byzantine empire, and Paoluccio Anafesto (-717) became its first doge (duke) (until 717), ultimately leading to the Italian Renaissance, ask me how when I'm more mellow.

In 697 Carthage fell to the Saracens, who destroyed it, despite Byzantine emperor Leontius sending a relief force, which arrived too late and instead raided the SE coast of Spain until it was driven off by Visigoth Count Theudimer (Theodemir) (-743), who ruled seven cities in SE Spain, incl. Orihuela, Valentila (Valencia?), Alicante, Mula, Bigastro, Eyya (Ojos), and Lorica.

In 698 a plague broke out in Constantinople, spreading west and reaching Spain by 701, forcing Egica and his son Wittiza out of their capital of Toledo, the ravishing tweed jacket with a silk scarf and cascade of pearls, Party City, nobody has more Halloween for less. Meanwhile in 698 Emperor Leontius sent a fleet under John the Patrician to recapture Carthage from the Saracens, but after initial success they were defeated and retreated to Crete, and through fear of the emperor's anger they proclaimed German army officer Apsimarus as the new emperor, then sieged Constantinople, got lucky when imperial officers opened the gates, and defeated and captured Leontinus, then slit his nose to make him ineligible for recrowning. Apsimarus took the name Tiberius III Apsimar (d. 705) and appointed his brother Heraclius as strategos, who gave up on Africa but went after the Umayyads to the east, I was just outside, then came in, I feel like some kind of conquistador when I don't have my foot in my mouth.

So ended the 7th century, with Islam having come out of nowhere to take over a big chunk of the civilized world, destroying Zoroastrianism in Persia, contracting the Christian Byzantines, taking over the Holy Land, Egypt and North Africa, and preparing to take Spain soon. Meanwhile, having learned what humiliation is, and doing the Christian thing and blaming it on their own sins, sometime in the latter half of the 7th century Maundy Thursday (day before Good Friday), the day on which the pope, Catholic sovereigns, prelates, priests and nobles are supposed to wash the feet of 12 or more beggars to commemorate Christ's washing of his disciples' feet became an official Roman Catholic feast day to commemorate the Last Supper, pass the finger bowl, please, along with a joint and a goblet, my secret weapon, Listerine Agent Cool Blue.

In 701 the Umayyad Palace in the Amman Citadel (Jabal al-Qai'a) in Jordan was built, with its Qibla facing Petra (the original Mecca?); in 740 the upper bldgs. were built, with their Qibla facing Mecca, indicating a Muslim worship direction change that was later covered-up after Petra was abandoned in 713 after an earthquake and the Qaaba was moved out of there to Mecca?

Late in the year 702 mean king Egica (b. 610) died in his sleep, and his son (by Cixilo, daughter of King Erwig) Wittiza (Witiza) (Witiges) (686-710) (co-ruler since 694, anointed when he reached 14 on Nov. 15/24, 700) became king of crumbling Visigoth Spain (until 710), starting out good by reversing some of daddy's exile and confiscation of nobles, causing the people to love him, then go bad and "indulge in a plurality of wives and concubines, encouraging his subjects to do the same", while recalling from exile and surrounding himself with Jewish advisers, who (obviously in league with fellow Jews of Norith Africa, to make the coming invasion a cakewalk?) successfully counsel him to break down the defenses of cities, demolish castles and turn spears into harrows in order to stop potential traitors, causing the clergy to hate him.

In 707 the Muslims under North African viceroy Abd Al-Aziz ben Musa ibn Nusayr (Nusair) (640-716) conquered Tangiers and subdued the Moroccan Berbers (Amazigh = "free men") who were standing in their way before taking Spain.

Al-Aqsa Mosque

In 709-15 the Al-Aqsa ("farthest") Mosque in Jerusalem, the original Ground Zero Mosque was built on the site of the Jewish Temple of Solomon 100m S of the Dome of the Rock, where Muhammad allegedly made his big Night Flight (Lailat al-Mira) to Heaven on the back of the winged ass Barack O, er, Baraq (Buraq). Christians believe Christ preached a sermon there, and Jews believe that Abraham almost sacrificed his son Isaac there, so this is a nice place to start the Final War, I hope not.

In 710 after "tumultuously invading the kingdom with the encouragement of the senate" with an army from Italy, exiled Roderic (Ruderic) (Roderick) (Roderik) (Ruderigus) (-711) defeated and captured Wittiza "the Wicked", then blinded and imprisoned him in Cordoba, and was crowned the last king of Visigoth Spain by 711 after usurping the throne from Wittiza's two sons Evan and Siseburto (who escaped to Tangier). He then split the kingdom with (Wittiza's 3rd son?) Achila (Aquila) (Agila) (Akhila) II (-714), with the SW (Lusitania and W Carthaginiensis incl. Toledo and Egitania, AKA Idanha-a-Velha) going to Roderic and the NE (Tarraconensis and Narbonensis) to Achila II (nobody gets Galicia and Baetica?), giving the Muslims their big opening. Meanwhile Wittiza's family fled to Ceuta on the N shore of the Maghreb, allying with Jews and Arian Christians who hated the Roman Catholic bishops of the Visigoth monarchy, see our sensational success stories and find out how to become a Roman Catholic hater too.

7-Eleven Sign Gibraltar Map of Gibraltar Spain, 711-714 Tariq ibn Ziyad (-720)

We come to the big watershed year 711, as in 7/11 Stores, open 24/7 to offer convenient access to the soft underbelly of Christian Europe. On Apr. 29, 711 (Sat.) after Visigoth Count Julian (Ilyan) betrays his post at Ceuta into the hands of the Muslims and flops to their side to get even with Visigoth king Roderic for dishonoring (knocking up?) his daughter Lady Florinda, and sends four boats for them, a recon army of 1.7K Muslim Moors (mainly Berbers and slaves, plus a few Arabs) under lame Berber Muslim Umayyad Gen. Tariq (Tarik) ibn Ziyad (Zeyad) ibn Abdillah (-720) (AKA Tariq the One-Eyed) (of the Berber Nefzaoua tribe?) (a native of Hamdan, Persia?) (who was a slave of North African gov. Musa ibn Nusayr before being freed) (known for a prominent forehead and a black hairy mole on his left shoulder?) crossed the Strait of Gibraltar (Jabal al-Tariq) (Gabel al-Tariq) (mountain of Tariq) from Mauretania in the Muslim month of Shaban and Muslim year 92 (24th of Rejeb, June 19?), and invaded Spain (which they call al-Andalus), sending the boats back and forth several times until their entire army of 7K was over, then burning them so it was do or die for Big A. No surprise, Tariq obtained help from the Jewish community of Elvira (Ilbira) ("white", "trustworthy", "alert") in a suburb of Granada, which was sick and tired of being sicked on and tarred, who came blame them, you're in the right place, only progressive Muslim dot com gives you the option of naming your price.

After Visigoth king Roderic spotted them and swore an oath to throw them back into the sea and began approaching, Tariq gave his Famous Do-or-Die Speech, featuring the immortal soundbyte: "Remember that if you suffer a few moments in patience, you will afterward enjoy supreme delight", after which the pumped-up Allah Akbars charged the Spanish army, causing them to flee. They then marched to Cartagena and Cordoba before being driven back and regrouping and receiving reinforcements.

On July 19, 711 (Sun.) (two days before the end of Ramadan) King Roderic, who had holed up in his castle in Cordoba and sent men to gather an army of 100K blonde Goths (mostly serfs?) attacked the puny 10K-to-18K man Muslim army (incl. Arabs and Syrians, but mostly kinky-haired blacks?) at the Battle of Guadalete (Rio Barbute) on the Jerez (Xeres) de la Frontera in SW Spain NE of Cadiz (later home of the fortified wine sherry), and was defeated after eight days after Wittiza's sons Evan and Siseburto made a deal and flopped over to the Muslim side in exchange for keeping their "royal portion" of 3K farms, and Tariq personally killed Roderic, who was mounted on a litter between two mules with a jewel-encrusted silk awning (either that or he drowns in the river, as his body is never found, just his white horse), after which his relatives Sisbert and Osbert fled, causing the confused Visigoth army to flee in all directions, most N to Ecija near Seville; "Never was there in the West a more bloody battle than this, for the Muslims did not withdraw their scimitars from [the Christians] for three days", after which the Muslims fight northward, "not passing a place without reducing it, and getting possession of its wealth, for Allah Almighty had struck with terror the hearts of the infidels" (Al-Hakam); Cadiz remained in Muslim hands until 1264; the Muslims then tok Toledo, and executed the nobles of the city for assisting in the flight of Egica's son Oppa (Oppas), who had been declared king, and fled to Seville, where he became bishop?; after the dead rich Goth princes were stripped of their bling, which was distributed among the 9K remaining Muslims, the news caused Muslims in N Africa to flock on over for the fun and games, after which they begia to outnumber the quaking Goths; meanwhile Achila succeeded as the positively last king of the Spanish Visigoths (until 714) (although he probably was already a rival co-king to Roderic), holding on in Zaragoza, Tarragona, and Gerona, plus the province of Narbonne (Narbonensis) (Septimania) in SE France, the last safe base on the far side of the Truth Booth (Pyrenees), which (too bad?) had a large Jewish pop.

Muhammad ibn Kasim (695-715)

The same year, 711, Arab Umayyad Muslims under Khurasan gov. Qutaiba ibn Muslim began the conquest of Transoxiania and the Sind, crossing the Oxus River, subduing Khwarezm and capturing Bukhara (140 mi. W of Samarkand), while 17-y.-o. Arab Syrian gen. Muhammad ibn Kasim (Qasim) al-Thaqafi (695-715) invaded Sindh (in modern-day Pakistan) on the lower Indus River delta, defeating Hindu ruler Raja Dahir Sen (661-712), setting up a kingdom that ruled until 1026, causing the Sindh province to be called Bab-e-Islam (Gateway to Islam), alhough the Muslims didn't extend their dominion for three centuries.

In 712 Gen. Tariq's master Musa bin Nusayr landed in Spain, and the Moors went on to conquer Cordoba, Malaga, Granada, and the Visigoth capital of Toledo, being greeted as liberators by the oppressed masses, especially the Jews, while executing many of the hated nobles; the Church of St. Acisclus successfully sheltered the remaining Christian refugees, who were allowed to live with the usual restrictions. They also mopped up Medina Sidonia, Seville, Merida and Saragossa, renaming the area Andalusia (Andaluz) (Arab. "land of the Vandals"). The southern tip of Portugal was called Al-Gharb (Algarve) (Arab. "the west"), which was not reconquered until 1251. They also conquered Ebora in C Portugal (until 1166).

Meanwhile in 712 the Arabs under Qutaiba ibn Moslim conquered Samarkand, and turned it into the cultural center of Islam, learning the art of making paper, beats pussy willows. Meanwhile in 711-2 the first Muslim mosque was built in still-multireligious Bukhara in Uzbekistan, which went on to become the 2nd holiest city in Islam after Mecca.

On Apr. 5, 713 after holding out for two years before being defeated, Visigoth count Theudimer (Theodemir) of SE Spain signed a treaty with Muslim emir Abd al-Aziz ibn Musa, submitting to Muslim rule ("the patronage of Allah"), with the right to keep worshiping at their Catholic churches, while having to pay a per capita tribute of one dinar in cash, four jugs of wheat, barley, grape juice and vinegar, two jugs of honey and oil, and half this for slaves. All enemies of the Muslim conquerors are to be handed over and not sheltered. The Muslims begin calling the region Tudmir. Meanwhile the Muslims began the conquest of the Ebro River Valley, and took Zaragoza (ancient Caesaraugusta), while more Arabs under Qutaiba ibn Muslim sieged Kashgar in W China NE of Tibet (until 715), and yet more Arabs under Muhammad ibn Kasim reached the port of Daybul on the Indus River.

In 714 the Moors captured the Spanish (earlier Roman) town of Arriaca (Caraca) in C Spain on the Henares River 35 mi. ENE of Madrid (until 1081), changing its name to Guadalajara (Arab. Wad-al-hajarah = "valley of the stones"). Meanwhile Visigoth king Achila II died in battle, and Ardo (Ardonus) (Ardabastus) (d. 720) became the definitely last Visigoth king of he-said-she-said Christian Spain (until 720), which had shrunk to the NE corner plus Narbonensis province on the far side of the Pyrenees, and soon, only Narbonensis. No surprise, Visigoth nobleman Count Cassius converted to Islam under the name Banu Qasi, and after swearing personal allegiance to caliph Al-Walid I in Damascus he was allowed to keep his county in the Upper Ebro River Valley (Logorno and Southern Navarra) as an autonomous hereditary principality due S of Pamplona and the Bay of Biscay.

In 715 after the Chinese emperor refused to help, Kashgar was sacked by the Arabs, becoming their first Chinese V. Also that year an alliance was formed between Tibet and the Arab world. Also that year, Al-Walid I died, and his younger brother Sulayman (Suleiman) (Suleyman) ("peace") I bin Abd al-Malik (674-717) (son of Abd al-Malik) became Umayyad caliph (until 717). After getting confused as to whether the Hajj is supposed to be to Mecca's Kaaba or Jerusalem's Dome of the Rock, he went to Mecca first, didn't like it, then decided on Jerusalem, like his father, watch the rest of the tape.

In 716 the Muslims conquered Lisbon (built on seven hills like Rome) (until 1147) and Porto (Oporto) in NW Portugal (until 997), giving them control of the entire Spanish Peninsula, leaving Narbonensis beyond the Pyrenees as the last Gothic province.

Byzantine Emperor Leo III the Isaurian (680-741)

On Mar. 25, 717 after a period of anarchy, Leo III the Isaurian (680-741) became the Byzantine emperor, founding the iconoclastic Isaurian (Syrian) Dynasty (ends 867), and regenerating the busy bee hive, and just in time too, because the 2nd Arabic siege of Constantinople began in Aug. Luckily, on Oct. 3, 717 Suleyman I (b. 674) died, and Omar (Umar) II (d. 720) became Umayyad caliph, ending military expansion and granting tax exemption to all believers in the Islamic faith, incl. the non-Arab mawali, although future rulers revoked it. On Aug. 15, 718 the 13-mo. Arab siege of Constantinople ends when their fleet was destroyed by the Byzantines under Emperor Leo III, ending serious Arab attacks for the next two cents.; too bad, the secret formula for Greek Fire (invented in 673) was lost? Meanwhile Omar II imposed humiliating restrictions on non-Muslims, causing mass conversions and homogenizing the Umayyad pop. into Muslim and Arabic-speaking. All this, and Prophet Muhammad hadn't been dead a hundred years yet.

Pelayo of Asturias (681-737)

In 718 the Roman Catholic kingdom of Asturias (Asturia) in NW Spain S of the Bay of Biscay with capital at Cangas de Onis was founded in the inaccessible Pyrenees by Visigoths fleeing the Moors, led by former royal bodyguard (of Roderic) Pelayo (Pelagius) (681-737) (son of Count Favila of Cantabria), throwing the Moors back when they reached it next year; "A vital spark was still alive. Some invincible fugitives preferred a life of poverty and freedom in the Asturian valleys; the hardy mountaineers repulsed the slaves of the caliph." - Edward Gibbon.

So by 718 all of Spain except a pimple on their asturiass in the NW was conquered, and became a Muslim state with Tariq as gov., who built a fortified castle along the NW slope of Gibraltar, which the Muslims held until 1309. Under the command of his master Musa ben Nusayr (a Berber recognized by Jews as of the tribe of Simeon) the Jews were freed, and a period of prosperity for them began in Spain, along with Christians, who were treated generously and protected from excesses by the new government at first, making it one happy haven in a dark Christian Europe, you can still eat all your favorite foods. In 720 the Moors crossed the Pyrenees in SE Spain and captured Septimania (Narbonensis), which becomes an autonomous principality with capital at Narbonne (until 759), owing allegiance only to the emir of Cordoba; Ardo, last Visigoth king of Spain goes down fighting, I'm all-American kiss my butt; from that base the Muzzies began striking N as far as Lyon. Too bad, just as they were getting ready to take the rest of Europe, the jealous caliph summoned Musa and Tariq to Damascus, where Tariq died, proving that even if the whole invasion was a Jewish conspiracy to wrest control of Europe from the papacy, their control wasn't perfect, since the Muslim caliph messed it up for them.

Spanish Reconquista

In the summer of 722 the Battle of Covadonga saw 300 Christian soldiers of Asturias under Pelayo score their first V in Spain against the Moors since the 711 invasion after the Muslims who got their butts kicked last year in France under Anbasa ibn Suhaym al-Kalbi make the mistake of trying to save their reps by assisting N Iberian gov. (since 720) Munuza and fellow Berber Al-Kama in taking on the pesky rebel Christian stronghold of Asturias called Covadonga (protected by a narrow valley), and used traitor Bishop Oppas of Seville (son of Egica) to try and talk them into surrendering, which just pissed them off, after which the Muslims tried a frontal attack and were ambushed by some of Pelayo's men hidden in a cave, after which they tried to leave Asturias and were greeted by the pissed-off Christian pop., who emerged from their villages with hidden weapons and killed hundreds of Allah Akbars. Munuza (who kidnapped and married Pelayo's sister Ormesinda, who poisoned herself on her wedding day, pissing Pelayo off more) fled, and was killed personally by Pelayo in Proaza, Trubia or La Felguera, after which the stragglers reported back that Pelayo only had "thirty infidels left, what can they do", but never tried attacking them again. This V was later taken to mark the start of the Spanish Christian Reconquista (reconquest of Spain) by 12th cent. Christian propagandists. One of the first reconquered cities was the seaport of Gijon (Gijón) (ancient Roman town of Gigia or Gijia) on the Bay of Biscay (20 mi. NE of Oviedo), way later figuring big in the Siege of Gijon in the Spanish Civil War on July 19-Aug. 16, 1936. Meanwhile the madass Arabs sans Tariq bypassed them and decided to cross the Pyrenees. Did you figure out yet that modern-day Muslims who act outraged at horrible Zionist Jews who want to reclaim little ole Israel because they were there first and their god Jehovah promised it to them, are descendants of Muslims whose god Allah promised the entire Earth to them, all they had to do was go out and kill, fuck, and brainwash their way as they went, and play dumb afterwards, no need for history lessons, we got it, you take it and we'll declare jihad again?

In 730 C.E. Nagabhata I (-756) of Mandor conquered Malwa as far as Gallor and the port of Bharuch in Gujarat, founding the Gurjara-Pratihara Dynasty in India (ends 1036), with capital in Avanti (Malava) in Malwa in modern-day Madhya Pradesh, later Uljain, going on the fight off the Arabs of Sind, defeating them in battle in 738 before being defeated by Rashtrakuta king Dantidurga; the dynasty went on to become the main obstacle to Muslim takeover of India E of the Indus River, which took until 1192.

Big Year 732 Big Year 732 Big Year 732 Big Year 732 Tours and Poitiers Map Charles Martel the Hammer of France (688-741)

In 732 C.E. (centennial of Big M's death) it looked bad for Europe as the madass Muslim illegal alien terrorists crossed the Pyrenees and tried to take sunny France, which would give them a royal road to Germany, Italy and the rest of Europe. If they had succeeded we'd all be speaking Arabic now, praying five times a day facing Mecca, and slicing clitori of young girls by the millions while still living in the Dark Ages with no Star Trek in sight. It was naked God vs. God, the hairy razor's edge of history. Guess what? There are heroes. Just when things looked darkest, a hero arose, Charles Martel the Hammer (688-741), whose Merovingian knights braved the superior numbers of Muslim cavalry and their technological breakthrough of the stirrup, stood their ground like a wall, and kicked the Muslims' butts bigtime at the Battle of Tours and Poitiers between Tours and Poitiers on Oct. 10, 732, throwing the Saracens back over the Pyrenees with enough punch that they never returned to the attack. Actually, he only drove them back to Narbonne, sieging it in 738 in vain after it wa defended by Moors and Jews, causing him to throw a fit and devastate the surrounding countryside. Glossing over that blip, Western Christian civilization tracing back a thousand years to Alexander the Great was saved, hopefully forever, check back with me after they reconstitute me from my DNA a thousand years from now. The battle lines now hardened for centuries, until the Christian side slowly pushed the Muslims back inch by inch, step by step to North Africa, taking their chained poontang with them, whatsa matter Mel, where's the big budget movie, send me an advance for a screenplay and we'll split the profits.

It wasn't all bad I guess. The Muslims invading Spain brought rice, saffron and sugar cane cultivation with them, we both know how bad our sweet tooths are. As the Muslims took over Christian Spain, the Mozarabs, Iberian Christians who spoke Arabic and adopted Arab culture were born. Like Jews, Christians were "tolerated" (dhimmi), could keep their heads if they paid the heavy yearly jizya tax (usually accepted with a slap and spit in the face), and accepted a second-rate position in society, never being allowed to be in a position in control of Muslims, and constantly pressured to convert. Eventually they were not allowed to ring church bells or construct new churches, and were cut-off from the Christian world. As they were systematically legislated down to the level of slaves, some violated the don't-ask-don't-tell policy by publicly proclaiming their beliefs or even worse, blaspheming Big M in order to become Christian Martyrs in Muslim Spain, incl. Eulogius in 859, Pelagius in 925 (a boy ordered to submit to Islam and spread for the horny caliph?), and Argentea in 931. But I'm jumping ahead.

Khazars Steven Spielberg (1946-) Byzantine Emperor Leo IV the Khazar (750-80) Bride of Frankenstein

Meanwhile the Arabs were kept from getting into Europe through the back door through the Caucasus Mts. by the pagan polytheist polygamous Turkic Khazars(descendants of the Huns?), who allied with the Byzantines, giving emperor Constantine V a Khazar princess to marry, who went on to have son Leo IV the Khazar (750-80), who became emperor from 775-80. In Dec. 730 a Khazar force under prince Barjik (-731) invaded the Umayyad provinces of Armenia and Azerbaijan and defeated the Arabs at the Battle of Marj Ardebil. Too bad, Barjik made the mistake of desecrating the head of Arab cmdr. Al-Djarrah al-Hakami by mounting it on the jackbar of his throne, causing them to fanatically stiffen their resistance around Mosul and stop the Khazars in 731 at the Battle of Mosul, causing them to abandon their invasion and withdraw N to the Caucasus, after which in 737 the Arabs led by Armenian gov. (since 731) Maslamah ibn Abd al-Malik (son of caliph Abd al-Malik ibn Marwin) and Marwan ibn Muhammad (future Caliph Marwan II) invaded the Caucasus and defeated the 40K-man Khazar army led by Hazer Tarkhan (-737), and killed him, then occupied the Khazar capital of Atil on the lower Volga River, and forced the khagan (Khazar leader) to convert to Islam. Luckily, troubles back home caused the Arabs to return without gaining a permanent foothold in the Caucasus, after which in 740 in response to forcing them to convert to Islam, the Khazars converted to Judaism instead (at least their leaders, with the rest following by 840) and withdrew beyond the Caucasus, going on to expand from the Caspian Sea to the Dnieper River, and as far south as the Black Sea, saving Europe from the horrible Muslims with a Jewish buffer zone, how about them apples? Because of them perhaps many modern Jews have hooked noses and speak Yiddish, forever messing up the pure hooked, er, blood lines from Israel but giving the faith new life, and future Hollyweird some of its best directors. The Slavic tribes who traded with the Khazars were forced to turn to the Scandinavian Varangians (Vikings) (Rus) (proto-Russians) to the N for trade. Obviously, this sudden decision to give up paganism and all its fun and sex for of all things a-law-for-everything Judaism is another of the great coverups of history, but it at least shows that there must have been a lot of Jews hiding out in the Caucasus from the Christians and Muslims, so why not relax the membership rules a little and mole in better to have a chance of surviving and thriving? Call it Bride of Frankenstein.

Banana Split

Did I mention the Muslim habit of splits? In 740 Medina-born Shiite imam Zayd ibn Ali (b. 695) (brother of Muhammad al-Baqir, 5th imam of the Twelvers) died after the unsuccessful Zaydi Revolt against the Umayyads in Kufa in which he claimed the caliphate as the grandson of Ali's son Husayn. His followers carried on as the Ismaili (Isma'ili) (Sevener) Shiites, the 5th School of Sunni Islamic Law (fiqh), incl. the Hanafis, Hanbalis, Malikis, Shafi'is, sun-dried Muslim shiite comes in five flavors. The Fivers are actually a semi-Sunni sect of Shiites who refuse to condemn the three caliphs preceding Ali but reserve the right to military support against unjust rule of any descendant of Ali and Fatima, setting up states in Tabaristan in N Persia in 864, followed by Yemen in 893, becoming 40%-45% of the pop. of Yemen (mainly in the mountainous north) in modern times, with another 1M in W Arabia. The Seveners claim Isma'il as the 7th and last imam, and founded the family line of Aga Khan, while the Twelvers (Imami Shiites) (90% of the pop. of modern Iran and 50+% of the pop. of modern Iraq) claim his 3rd son Musa al-Kadhim as lucky imam #7 of a coming 12.

Ahmad al-Alawi (1869-1934)

Not that all Muslims are badasses. Any ideology that survives long enough tries to fill all available space. The worldiness of the Umayyad Caliphate caused the growth of a mystical ascetic egalitarian movement in Islam called Sufism, started by Medina-born Persian Hasan al-Basri (642-737), who moved to Basra and wore wool (suf) to show rejection of luxurious Umayyad clothing, giving the movement its name. Their mosques stick out in Pakistan and other lands for giving women free access. Sufis spend their whole lives trying to search for Allah inside themselves while trying to avoid thinking of jacking, er, poontang, the Big Dark Cave of M not being good enough for them. Maybe some find Allah in their sewers and sinks, like Pennywise the Ass Clown, go ass them. Too bad, they are stuck in the Inshallah "it's God's will" mindset, causing them to justify oppression in modern-day countries such as Pakistan. One key Sufi was Persian Sufi scholar Abul Hassan Ali Hajvery (990-1077), AKA Data Ganj Bahkhsh or Data Sahib, whose mausoleum in Lahore, Pakistan became a center for spreading Sufism. In modern times, in 1914 Algerian-born Sheikh Ahmad ibn Mustafa al-Alawi (1869-1934) founded the Sufi Alawiyya sect (named in honor of Muhammad's son-in-law Ali), spreading through North Africa and the Levant followed by France, where its Paris mosque was inaugurated in 1926 before the French president, who was wowed by al-Alawi's efforts to make his followers learn French and translate the Quran into it without giving up Islamic costumes or teetotalling, along with his message to Christians that if they would just abandon their doctrines of the Trinity and the Incarnation "nothing would then separate us". His face supposedly resembled Christ's, I'm sure his ass didn't. Sufis are a Hindu Thuggee-style cult just waiting to be transformed into Terminators?

In 744 Marwan II (688-750) becomes the last Umayyad caliph, and the last with an expansionist policy of making Islam take over the world by force until the Ottomans, once riding through godforsaken Harran in SE Turkey (ancient home of the Mesopotamian Moon god Sin, making it the original Sin City?) (known for its beehive adobe houses, which are used to this day) and ordering its pop. to convert, allegedly giving them the choice of Judaism or Christianity as well, although this might only be a propaganda ploy to fool suckas into believing that the tiger has changed his stripes after the Khazar calamity, check back with me after I get out my Ouija Board. Maybe they knew that Islam started as a Moon god religion and felt more at home, plus it's not nice going through life having zilcho political rights and power and having to pay the jizz-on-ya tax.

Year 750

Did I mention the year 750 enough times yet? Umay out, Abbas in - watch your mouth or I'll kill you? In Jan. 750 the Christians in Frankland who were reeling from the pesky Saracens coming over the Pyreenes get a lucky break when the Sunni Abbasid (Abbassid) Movement of disaffected non-Arab Sunni Muslims and Shiites in Iraq and Khurasan, led by the Arab Abbasids (Abbasids) of Khurasan in NE Persia, who claim descent from Muhammad's paternal uncle Abbas ibn Abd al-Muttalib, and whose Umayya clan is separate from Muhammad's Quraish clan (which they hate so bad that they even temporarily became Shiites to jockey for position against the Shinolas) , and who sent Persian (non-Arab) preacher Abu Muslim (718-55) out in advance to criticize Arab corruption and ethnocentrism and invite non-Arab Muslims like him to join, defeat Umayyid Caliph Marwan II at the Battle of the Great Zab River W of the Tigris River near Mosul, causing him to flee to Egypt, where he is captured and killed in Aug. in al-Khufa; Ibrahim's brother Abu al-Abbas as-Saffah (the Blood-Shedder or Slaughterer) (721-754) (did I mention that Islam is the religion of war and oozing blood?) becomes Abbasid caliph #1 (until 754); the Umayyid Dynasty (begun 661) ends, and the Abbasid (Abbassid) Dynasty is founded, moving the capital from Damascus to Baghdad, and controlling the caliphate for five cents. (37 caliphs) (until 1258), absorbing much of the pomp and ceremony of the Persian monarchy into their courts and going on to cultivate the arts and sciences and give Islam a fairly good name compared to the other dynasties, with an empire no longer consciously devoted to promoting Arabs per se, only the faith of Muhammad.

In 750 the Sunni Abbasids (who started in Harran, moved to Baghdad in 762, and ended up getting overwhelmed by their own Turkic Mamluk slave army by 1258) capture Jerusalem.

Abd ar-Rahman I (731-88) Cordoba Mosque, 784-987 Cordoba Mosque, 784-987 Feisal Abdul Rauf (1948-)

In 755 Caliph al-Mansur orders the murder of Abu Muslim of Khurasan, renounces the Shiite origins of the Abbasid movement, and begin supporting the Sunnis; the Arabs are stabbed in the back, taken off their high horses and put under Persian masters as the Persian Barmakid family is given the admin. of the empire; Zoroastrian leader Sunpadh (Sinbad) (the Magus) (d. 755) starts a revolt in Khurasan, Nishapur, Rayy and Qum (ends 756), claiming that Abu Muslim has not really died but will return in the company of the Mahdi; after the Abbasids order all Umayyad princes in Damascus killed, the Umayyad (Omayyad) Caliphate of Cordoba (Cordova) in Spain (ends 1031) is founded by Abd ar-Rahman I (the Immigrant) (the Falcon of Andalus) (731-88), grandson of the Umayyad caliph of Damascus, who escaped to Spain and defeated the Abbasid emir of Cordoba. The Cordoban emirs go on to tolerate dhimmis (Jews and Christians) (people protected because they are "people of the Book", i.e., Old Testament), as long as they pay the jizya tax and accept Muslim political and social superiority, destroying all Christian churches in Cordoba except St. Vincent's Basilica, guaranteeing Christian possession by treaty, which they later renege on after a pop. explosion from Syria, taking half for a mosque without permission, which Muslim apologists now trumpet as proof that both faiths can pray side by side; later Abd ar-Rahman I forces them to sell him the rest with an offer they can't refuse.

In 762 Caliph #2 (754-75) Abu Jafar al-Mansur (712-75) moves the blood-soaked Abbasid capital from Damascus to Baghdad (Arab. "gift of God") (Madinat al-Salam) 18 mi. N of the old Sassanid capital of Ctesiphon, designed on a circular plan, with canals dug to both the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, which attract traders from as far away as China, India and N Europe, who used innovative Arabic numerals in their accounting records, the pop. reaching 300K within a cent. Meanwhile the Umayyads in Spain are left to hold back the Iberian Christians, who slowly begin to go on the offensive with but one goal, push them badass idolators back into da sea. The Abbasids came up with the Sunni concept of the Rightly Guided Caliphs to refer to the first four caliphs, from the soundbyte: "Hold firmly to my example (sunnah) and that of the Rightly Guided Caliphs", whose quadruple reign is called the Rashidun Caliphate (632-61). Let's not forget to mention the Great Mosque of Cordoba, begun in 784 on the site of the forced-sale Visigoth church of St. Vincent by Abd ar-Rahman I, and completed in 987. The Cordoban emirate ruled what they called al-Andalus for three cents., fighting off the Abbasids one way and the Christians the other. The Immigrant faced his great mosque south instead of toward Mecca as if it had been built in Damascus, from which he fled, as a statement that he will soon return, like Gen. MacArthur to the Philippines, although he never did. By the 10th cent. Cordoba was flourishing as a literary cultural center for Muslims, Jews, and Christians alike, and was known as the New Athens, although since Islamic theological thought-control czars watched your every move, the name has to be taken with a grain of salt, considering that the Muslims stopped the flow of Egyptian papyrus to Christendom, forcing them to preserve manuscripts on far more expensive vellum, contracting literacy to the very few and well-connected, usually with the Church. Besides a handful of privileged scholars they kept on a close chain, the masses of Jews and Christians lived in a virtual Nazi Germany where they had to wear special clothing in public so the superior Muslims could spot them at a distance. As Muslim Cordoban scholar Al-Kinani (-901) put it, watch out for "the Jew or Christian who is discovered trying to blend with the Muslims by not wearing the riqa [cloth patch, required to bear an emblem of an ape for a Jew and a pig for a Christian] or zunnar [belt]." In 2010 a group of Muslims led by Kuwaiti-born Egyptian Sufi imam Feisal Abdul Rauf (1948-) announce the building of the $100M 13-story Cordoba House (Ground Zero Mosque) two blocks away from Ground Zero in New York City, setting off a national and international brouhaha, with Pres. Obama and his liberal PC supporters in the media resolutely backing it, even digging up the 1957 incident where Pres. Eisenhower dedicated an Islamic Center in Washington, D.C., with the soundbyte: "America would fight with her whole strength for your right to have here your own church and worship according to your own conscience. This concept is indeed a part of America, and without that concept we would be something else than what we are." This was after Ike supported a Congressional law outlawing Communism as an enemy of the U.S. Constitution, I'll bet he thought that since Muslims worship God like he does, by God he'll show them Commies a thing or two, never mind him being an Islam history ignoramus and never living to see the 1979 Iranian Rev., al-Qaida, 9/11, etc., or else even he would see the light by now. He probably also conveniently forgot about how the U.S. govt. threatened to send the army on the Mormons if they didn't drop the practice of polygamy, and didn't know that Islam also encourages polygamy, I guess he thought they'd all become monogamists to please him. Maybe stealth jihadist Rauf named it Cordoba with the plan that he could paint them as tolerating non-Muslims better than in other Muslim nations, albeit under total subjection of Muslim supremacy, that's right, tolerate, not accept as equals with equal rights protected by their whole strength, but even history ignoramus non-Muslims could remember back nine years, and saw it as what it was, a symbolic victory flag planted on 9/11 to hallow the dead Muslims there, not the dead non-Muslims, as the first step toward total takeover of the American continent by Islam and its horrible Muslim-supremacy Sharia which makes even the pagan aborigine Indian tribes look good since they weren't so monolithic and were amenable to divide-and-conquer and Christianization to a point. By the way, in 1011 there was a horrible Jewish pogrom in Muslim Camelot Cordoba, probably because them pesky Jews were getting too near to being equal to their Muslim masters for comfort, so it wasn't a Camelot after all, it was just a lot of camels. How nice to break ground for the Cordoba Mosque on Sept. 11, 2011, ask pro-mosque Jewish New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg why we should submit, er, tolerate that. Ticky Taqqiya Rauf is known for saying one thing to Americans in English, and another to Arabs in Arabic, incl. admitting to the goal of Sharia in America, with yummy nuggets such as "The United States has more Muslim blood on its hands than al-Qaida has on its hands of innocent non-Muslims", and even claiming on Feb. 5, 2010 that Obama's Cairo Speech was based on his Blueprint to End the Islamic-American Divide with this new "bridge", as in the Fall of Troy: American Eagle For Dinner Edition.

Pepin III the Short of France (714-68)

Charles Martel's son was 3.5-ft. tall midget Pepin (Pipin) III the Short (714-68), who in 759 after cutting a deal with the Jewish pop. to give them their own kingdom in return for massacring the defenders and throwing open the gates, captured Narbonne and drove the last Saracens out of France (Gaul), integrating Aquitaine into the kingdom of the Franks. In 768 he came through and gave the Jews their own Jewish Principality (Kingdom) of Septimania in S France (incl. Rennes-le-Chateau) (recognized as a kingdom between 759-68 by the Carolingian kings), run by Aymery AKA Thierry (Theodoric), who marries Pepin's sister Alda (aunt of Charlemagne), and has son (St.) Guillaume (William) (Guillem) (the Hook-Nosed) de Gellone (of Orange) (755-814), duke of Narbonne and Toulouse and count of Razes (since 790), a Peer of Charlemagne who turned the town of Gellone into the site of a Jewish academy and library, which after his death was converted into the Benedictine Saint-Gilhelm-le-Desert Monastery, known for the cult of Mary Magdalene; too bad, Christian intolerance caused the principality to be obliterated and a coverup attempted, making him into a Christian saint and the hero of the poem Chanson de Guillaume by Wolfram von Eschenbach (1172-1220); go figure, these Jewish princes claimed to be of the House of David and to have royal Merovingian blood, hence Jewish kings; descendants incl. First Crusade leader Godfroi (Godfrey) de Bouillon, Duke of Lorraine, check out "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" (1982) by Michael Baigent et al.

Coronation of Charlemagne by Pope Leo III, Dec. 25, 800 Charlemagne (742-814) Richard Boone (1917-81) as Paladin Roland (-778) Henri Pirenne (1862-1935)

Pepin's son was 7-ft. (really 6'4"?) tall giant Charles the Big or Large, AKA Charlemagne (742-814), the ultimate product of white blonde Euro genetics, a dude whose physique would make Ahnuld look sick, and whose intellect and courage far surpassed anything seen since Caesar, man, what a hero, them Muslims hated to see him coming. His top twelve warriors (peers) were called the Paladins, not really, that was romantic fiction made up later that mixed up the old Roman Emperor and his Palatine Hill with King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, but either way the basic psychic difference between Christian Westerners and everybody else in the core belief that a few heroes who are in the right can defeat vast hordes of dead-wrong zombies goes way way back, go see Mel Gibson's Braveheart for the 50th time and bring three hankies. Not that the ideal Western heroes aren't the coolest cats who ever lived, like James Bond 007. Churl is French for a freeman, and after Charles the Big, it seems that every French king wanted to be named either after him or Frankish kingdom founder Clovis I, who didn't have any Muslims to worry about, just heretic Arian Visigoths. Yes, I know, Charles the Big would dance his daddy Peppy the Short on his knee while swigging French wine and eating French squab, them Frenchies have a streak of genetic troubles with their pituitary glands, either too little or too much juice, witness any Andre the Giant match with Sky Low Low. Charlemagne kicked a lot of Saracen butt, he never ran out of Saracen butt to kick it seemed, but once after raiding the Saracens, kicking some butt, then trying to get back over the Pyrenees, his rear guard cmdr. (chief Paladin) Roland (d. 778) ("renowned land") (his nephew) got his butt fatally kicked at the Battle of Roncesvalles (Roncevaux Pass) in the Pyrenees on Aug. 15, 778, as memorialized in the Song of (Chanson de) Roland, becoming his greatest regret in life. Big C also won a lot of battles against pesky holdout pagans, incl. the Saxons (in Saxony) and Frisians (in the Netherlands), founding both the French and German monarchies, and becoming the Father of Europe, getting crowned as the first Holy Roman Emperor on Xmas Day, 800 by slap-happy Pope (795-816) St. Leo III (-816), and setting a mark that every Christian king after him tried in vain to reich, er, reach, later becoming known as the First Reich. By the way, it took until 1938 for Belgian historian Henri Pirenne (1862-1935) to posthumously publish Mohammed and Charlemagne, finally figuring out that the Dark Ages in Europe were caused, not by the Germanic invasions of Rome, but by the rise of Islam, which cut off the Mediterranean and its trade to Europe and reduced them to pure subsistence agriculture, allowing the Germanic Franks to form their new empire on its remains, with the soundbyte "Without Islam, the Frankish Empire would have probably never existed, and Charlemagne, without Muhammad, would be inconceivable."

Byzantine Emperor Constantine V Copronymus (718-75) Pope St. Gregory II (-731) St. John of Damascus (676-754) Byzantine Emperor Irene (752-803) Madonna (1958-) Emperor Nicephorus I (760-811) Bulgarian Khan Krum the Terrible (-814)

What was going on back in Fortress Constantinople in the 700s? Were they separating church and state and pumping up their science and technology budget and developing jet airplanes to take on the Muslim hordes closing in on them? No, they were tearing themselves apart over the Iconoclasm Controversy. You might call it a propaganda V for the Muslims, who as Jewish Frankensteins were taught to give up all graven images a la the Ten Commandments, settling for at most calligraphic signs in their mosques and homes. When refugees from Muslim territories made it to Constantinople and saw all the icons of Christ hanging around, they started grumbling and launching a movement, and in 727 Leo III and his son, future emperor (741-75) Constantine V Copronymus (718-75) (Copronymus is Greek for "name of shit", the name being given to him because he started shitting while being baptized, the origin of the phrase "holy shit") issued an edict forbidding veneration of icons (sacred images), followed by another ordering their destruction ("iconoclasm" means image-breaking in Greek), ordering the icon of Christ over the Chalke Gate in front of the Great Palace of Constantinople removed and replaced with a cross, only to have iconophiles murder some of the workers, which only made him more determined to root them all out, stick 'em up, stop in the name of shit, drop that Christ porno or we'll shit, er, shoot. Not being content to spread his holy vandalism habit in the Byzantine world, Leo III attempted to crack down on Italy and make it obey him rather than the pope as secular prince, and started levying heavy taxes on the great landowners, which really got to Italy's biggest landowner, Pope (715-31) St. Gregory II (-731), who officially okayed icons, starting a dual-empire war as well as a civil war in the eastern empire, causing Gregory to convoke a synod in 730 that formally condemned iconoclasm as heretical and excommunicated all iconoclasts, incl. Leo. Too bad, the messengers carrying the papal letter were arrested in Sicily by Leo's men, so it never made it to Constantinople to cause trouble. In 730 Damascus-born Christian big brain theologian St. John of Damascus (John Damascene) (676-754), who wrote in defense of icons in 727 retired as a financial officer of the Muslim caliph of Damascus to the monastery of St. Sabas near Jerusalem, where he was ordained a priest and began writing theological tomes and preaching throughout Syria against iconoclasts, gaining the name Chrysorrhoas ("stream of gold") for his oratories. To make a long story short, the Second Council of Nicaea in 787, dominated by Byzantine empress (797-802) Irene the Athenian (752-803), the original Madonna Like a Virgin Material Girl (who called herself emperor not empress) officially backed the dildo, er, dear icons, temporarily reuniting the Eastern and Western churches. Too bad, her successor, emperor (802-11) Nicephorus I (Greek for "bringer of victory") (760-811) was an iconoclast, and ramped the war back up. Perhaps this all caused the creation of an eternally hostile anti-icon element in Constantinople that could be milked by Muslims for all it was worth, at least they weren't a solid block religiously any more. Even worse, the pesky polytheist polygamous pagan Bulgars (Bulgers) from Central Asia were chased by the Turkish Khazars into modern-day Bulgaria after they first tried China and were distracted from invading by placing naked women on top of the Great Wall of China, where they began squeezing the Byzantines, sieging Constantinople in 717-8, but at least helping them by killing Arabs so they could fight over the crumbs. Speaking of crumbs, Bulgarian khan (803-14) Krum the Terrible (-814) kicked Nicephorus' can at the Battle of Pliska (Varbitsa Pass) on July 26, 811, and killed the emperor and annihilated his army, after which Krum liked to drink his wine from a cup made from Victory Bringer's skull. This cancelled out all the damage the Bulgarians did to the Arabs, and left Constantinople more vulnerable than ever as they clung to their icons of Christ and prayed for him to finally return in vain.

Caliph Harun al-Rashid (763-809) Elvis Aaron Presley (1935-77) Imam Reza Shrine

Meanwhile in 786 Harun al-Rashid (763-809) ("Aaron the Rightly-Guided") became Abbasid caliph #5, the most famous, establishing the House of Wisdom (Bayt al-Hikma) in Baghdad, launching the Islamic Golden Age of Learning (ended 1258) as his scholars began scouring the Earth for ancient Greek and Syriac mss. to bring back and trans. into Arabic and/or Persian, incl. the works of Aristotle, Plato, Galen, and Hippocrates, and Sanskrit botanical and medicinal works, lucking out and learning the secret of papermaking from Chinese POWs captured at the Battle of Talas in 751. The laugh of it was that the horrible neverending wars waged by the Muslims caused them, Europe and everybody else they touched to waste their resources on military expenditures instead of investment in basic S&T. In 799 a delegation sent by Charlemagne arrived, and he gave it a famous clock, which the superstitious Christian monarch thought was possessed by the Devil because of the sounds it made, if an areligious scientist could have just got one good look at it they'd have had warp drive by the year 1001. Harun al-Rashid is the subject of the famous 1001 Arabian Nights, there's the meatloaf, yuk, new stretchable drawstring, I'll get back to it later. Okay, in passing I'll mention that he was Islam's Elvis Aaron Presley (1935-77), the King, the word Elvis meaning elf-wise as in House of Wisdom, as in he got his thing sucked every night in every hotel he came to, just like Aaron Rightly-Guided, his great-great-great-something granddaddy. After Harun died, in 813 Al-Mamun (al-Ma'mun) (786-833) ("trustworthy") won the power struggle, murdered his brother Al-Amin ("honest"), and became Abbasid caliph #7. The Shiites hate al-Mamun for poisoning their 8th imam Ali al-Rida (Reza) (765-818) with poison grapes, and their big Shrine of Al-Rida (Reza) in Mashhad (Mashad) (Persian for "place of martyrdom") in Razavi Khurasan Province in E Persia 500 mi. E of Tehran is their Shiite Mecca, visited by up to 20M pilgrims yearly, don't ask what happens if you're an infidel and they catch you there, they'll riddle ya body with bullets for Allah. One good thing that al-Mamun did was having a dream about meeting Aristotle and sending scholars to Constantinople to retrieve ancient Greek mss. on science for translation, founding his own House of Wisdom in Baghdad in 830 at a cost of 200K dinars, complete with a library, observatory, and staff of translators.

In 800 the Sunni Aghlabid Dynasty was set up in Ifriqiya (in modern-day Tunisia, W Libya, and NE Algeria) by members of the Arab Bani Tamim tribe, who ruled until the Shiite Fatimids toppled them in 909, expanding the Roman irrigation system and becoming a hub of the slave trade between the Muslim World, Italy, and the Byzantine Empire, and turning the town of Kairuan into a Muslim theology and law learning center while plundering Sicily, Malta and Italy for fun and profit. The Aghlabid emirs were known for their ungodly luxurious living and discrimination against Muslim Berbers.

In 801 Catalonia in NE Spain began to be reconquered by the Christians, starting with Barcelona, which became the capital of the Spanish March, controlled by the Christian heirs of Charlemagne until 987, never becoming part of al-Andalus and thus not getting Muslimized or Arabized in its language or architecture. In 987 it began a push for independence from the Franks, eventually allying with the kingdom of Aragon, but we're getting ahead.

Back in the West, we're now at the 200-year point after Prophet M's death, how many millions of zombies, slaves and corpses has Islam caused, and the big bad Christian Crusades are not two but three hundred years ahead. Spain and France not going so good, in 813 despite a truce signed in 805 the Bad Neighbor Policy Arab Muslim Saracens began a century-long attempt to invade and conquer popeland in Italy, starting with a surprise attack on Centumcellae (Civitavecchia) 80km WNW of Rome, and attacking Sardinia, Corsica, and Lampedusa, while Sicily signed a 10-year truce with them.

The 50-year Muslim invasion of Sicily (until 878) begins with a betrayal?

In 827 after traitor Byzantine adm. Euphemius (-828) was accused of abducting a young nun from a convent to marry her, and had his nose cut off as punishment, he organized an uprising against emperor Michael II, kills gov. Constantine, conquered Syracuse, and proclaimed himself emperor of Sicily; after troops faithful to Byzantium led by Armenian Gen. Palata regained control, Euphemius fled to Africa, then proposed to the Sunni Aghlabid emir of Ifriqiya (817-38) Ziyadat Allah I (-838) to conquer Sicily and to make it a tributary province (until 1091), with himself as gov.; on June 17 Harran, Mesopotamian-born Gen. Asad ibn al-Furat (759-828) (who was picked by emir Ziyadat Allah to get rid of him for criticizing his luxurious impious lifstyle) with an army of 10K infantry and 700 cavalry disembarked from a fleet of 100 corsairs at Mazara del Vallo, and on July 15 they defeated local Byzantine troops under Gen. Theodorus near at the Battle of Mazara del Vallo, then sieged Syracuse (until 828). No surprise, in 831 the Muslims captured Palermo, Sicily followed in 842 by Messina, Sicily (until 1061), and prepared to attack Rome itself, I need a better pizza, while Sicily became a Muslim emirate until 1072. In 846 they ransacked Brindisi on Italy's heel and conquered Taranto (until 880), and on Aug. 28 another group from Sicily sailed up the Tiber River into Rome, sacking the city and stripping its treasures, incl. St. Peter's Basilica, which they desecrated, until the Lombard army of Duke Guy (Guido) I of Spoleto (-860) arrived and chased them to Gaeta, where naval reinforcements from Naples, led by Duke Sergius I Naples arrived just in time, defeating the despicable illegal immigrant thieves in the Naval Battle of Licosa Point off Paestum. The Muslims regrouped and destroyed a Venetian fleet, but in Nov. a storm damaged their fleet, and their great invasion of the pope's home base fizzled after Pope Leo IV surveyed the damage, and Pope Leo IV ordered a new ring of defenses built to protect St. Peter's, while the Muslims founded the city of Saracinesco 25 mi. NE of Rome, unsuccessfully attacking Ostia when its defenses held, although they kept trying into the 900s, they're such a religion of love and peace not. In 878 the Muslims under Aghlabid emir Ibrahim II (-902) conquered Syracuse, massacred the pop., then finished conquering Sicily, making Palermo their capital, holding for over 200 years, reducing trade between Alexandria and Constantinople to a trickle. Meanwhile in 831 the Muslims conquered the 5-island group of Malta, named after its tasty honey (where St. Paul once was shipwrecked on the way to Rome in chains to face the emperor for his preaching activities), introducing the Arabic language, which evolved into the modern Maltese language even after the Normans reconquered it along with Sicily in 1091.

Khazar Empire Emperor Theophilus (813-42)

We're now deep into the 800s, let's call it Wild Turkey Time. First, the Turks, who didn't start out in Turkey but in Central Asia, incl. S Russia, N Caucasus, and the Crimea found themselves in a sandwich between the Byzantine Christians on the W and the Muslims on the East, and some stayed pagan, some went Muslim, and the Khazars went Jewish, pass me a kosher pickle. Funny, the Christians liked to talk about the Wandering Jew, and the meaning of the Turkic word Khazar is wandering, but these goys, er, guys hunkered down and created a powerful empire that ran S Russia, W Kazakhstan, E Ukraine, Azerbaijan, and parts of N Caucasus, Georgia and the Crimea, and saved Europe from being flanked by the Saracens, but too bad, the Russians of Kiev kicked their cans in 965-9 and made them vassals, and the Mongols of the 1200s caused them to disintegrate and disappear as a distinct group, back to the wandering mode, respect for your wallet, kick it, another coverup, ashk Arthur Koestler about the Ashkenazis and his theory that they are the descendants of the Khazars, of course them hooked noses can't be what the ancient Jews had, despite a 2006 genetic study showing they trace back to Hebrew bloodlines. Another genetic study proved that Jews and Arabs are genetically identical. Back to the main front.

In 833 Abbasid caliph #7 (813-33) Al-Ma'mun (786-833) launched the Mihna (Muslim Inquisition) (ends 848), requiring all the intelligentsia to take an oath as a test of political and religious loyalty to his Mu'tazila school of theology, which denies that the Quran was uncreated and coeternal with Allah, and asserts that good and evil are determined by reason and hence above Allah, but is opposed by the ulama, who know that Allah is above even reason, and prove it by braving torture, imprisonment, and death. On Aug. 9, 833 he diesdnear Tarsus after eating some bad dates, and after his son Al-Ma'mun was passed over, he was succeeded by his half-brother Al-Mu'tasim (Al-Mu'tasim) (Arab. "refraining from sin") (796-842) (son of Harun al-Rashid) as Abbasid caliph #8 (until Jan. 5, 842), who went on to create an army of ghulams (mamluks) (slaves) consisting of C Asian Turks to bolster his regime, believing that if they are recruited as youths and brainwashed to be loyal to him it will like be a lifetime warranty with cash back, but this eventually backfired as they get ideas like in the Planet of the Apes?; meanwhile the work of the House of Wisdom continued - I'll just say you're broke and needed the money?

On July 22, 838 after a 70K-man Byzantine army under well-educated Armenian-descent iconoclastic emperor (829-42) Theophilus (813-42) ("lover of God") went to Mesopotamia the year before and took Melitene, Samosata, and Zapetra, birthplace of Abbasid caliph (833-42) Al-Mu'tasim, the latter returned the favor and defeated them at the bloody Battle of Dazimon (Anzen) in modern-day Dazman, Turkey, at which Armenian gen. Manuel was killed, causing the Byzantine army to retreat to Amaseia, after which on Sept. 23 after 55 days the Siege of Amorion (Amorium) in Asia Minor (largest remaining Byzantine city in Asia Minor, and home of Theophilus' line) ended in the city being betrayed by an escaped Muslim captive who told them where there was a weak spot in the wall, and the city was razed and the pop. slaughtered, incl. the 42 Martyrs of Amorion (Amorium), Byzantine officers and notables who were executed after refusing to convert to Islam, oops, more dirty laundry for the religion of peace, shocking the Byzantine pop. into singing mourning songs for cents. The remainder were auctioned as slaves in batches of five and ten, the original Woolworth's 5&10, just show me the Carfax.

In 850 Sunni Abassid caliph #10 (847-61) Al-Mutawakkil (822-61) issued a decree requiring all Christians and Jews in Muslim lands, incl. Jerusalem and Caesarea to wear a yellow (honey-colored) hood and belt to distinguish them, a practice the Christians and Nazis later adopted against Jews. So now you know that it was the Muslims not the Christians who invented the Inquisition and silly clothes for Jews.

Gog and Magog Gog and Magog Gog and Magog Gog and Magog Gog and Magog Gog and Magog

Speaking of Jews, Muslims, Christians, Russia and Georgia and holding the cards about the End of Days, did I mention the prophesy that the Jewish Bible, St. John's Revelation, and Quran all fixate on, namely, that of Gog and Magog, which is based on the Bible Book of Ezekiel, particularly chapter 38, verses 1-4: "The word of the Lord came to me: Son of Man, set your face against Gog, of the land of Magog, the chief prince of Meshech and Tubal; prophesy against him and say, This is what the Lord says: I am against you, O Gog, chief prince of Meshech and Tubal. I will turn you around, put hooks in your jaws and bring you out with your whole army - your horses, your horsemen fully armed, and a great horde with large and small shields, all of them brandishing their swords." Ezekiel chapter 39 goes on to foretell how it comes out: "And thou, Son of Man, prophesy against Gog, and say: Thus saith the Lord: Behold, I am against thee, O Gog, chief prince of Meshech and Tubal. And I will turn thee about and lead thee on, and will cause thee to come up from the uttermost parts of the north; and I will bring thee upon the mountains of Israel; and I will smite thy bow out of thy left hand, and will cause thine arrows to fall out of thy right hand. Thou shalt fall upon the mountains of Israel, thou, and all thy bands, and the peoples that are with thee; I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort and to the beasts of the field, to be devoured... Therefore thus saith the Lord: Now will I bring back the captivity of Jacob, and have compassion upon the whole house of Israel; and I will be jealous for My holy name." Somehow the evil nation of Magog led by Gog will lead a final battle against the poor beleaguered Jewish nation of Israel, which will face certain defeat until God intervenes by sending an army of angels led by his Man, which according to the Christians is you know who, and according to the Muslims is you know who, but maybe there will no angels and the armies of Gog and Magog will get confused and destroy themselves, that's the point with Bible think, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, Viva Las Vegas. The anti-Israel coalition will include Persia (Iran), Cush (Ethiopia), Phut or Put (Libya), and Gomer and Beit Togarmah (Turkey). If you can figure this key prophesy out, you can publish a bestseller and sell 50 million copies, beats welfare. Most Christians identify Magog with Russia because they must come from the tribe of Japheth and therefore must be the pot-smoking blood-drinking Scythians, who lived in Russia and Ukraine (of course you have to buy that all people today descend from Noah's three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth), but one dude thinks it's Georgia, and another thinks it's NATO, of course the U.S. must figure in somehow even though the Jewish Bible writers never heard of it. The Quran also talks about Gog and Magog in Sura 21 Al-Anbiya (The Prophets), verse 96, which also contains the soundbyte "The day when we roll up heaven like a scroll, as we began the first creation, we shall reproduce it, a binding promise, we shall bring it about. And certainly we write in the book after the reminder that my righteous servants will inherit the Holy Land" (104-5). In other words, Jews, being infidels, can't. Strangely, orthodox Jews agree with orthodox Muslims on this point that only orthodox somethings can inherit the Holy Land, not the secular areligious and even atheist Zionists, Olive Garden, when you're here you're family. So maybe we should take all the hardcore ultraorthodox Jews and Muslims out to some plain, equip them with ancient weaponry, and let them fight to the finish, oh, that wouldn't settle anything with two omnipotent omniscient Gods involved, now make a wish and a first cut, who wants a piece? Oh yes, I almost forgot, ominscient. That pesky Jewish forgery called the Bible says that all Jews have God's blessing to possess the Holy Land, not just the righteous ones, to quote: "Understand then that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked (stubborn) people." (Deut. 9:6) When I grow up I'm going to own my own restaurant and be a volunteer firefighter. Upgrade your low-fat mayo to real mayo, same taste, stylish new jar. Do you own a home, discount, are you online, double discount.

Vikings Viking Long Ship Prince Rurik (830-79)

Back in the West, in 800 Big Charlie the Main Man of France was made the first Holy Roman Emperor (HRE), but he got too big for his britches and decided to convert the pesky pagan Norse up in Norseland, which until the age of better geography they used to call Thule, as in if you try to pee it will freeze your tool. And he did it his way, via what he called the Sword and Cross method, meaning take the Cross or I'll give you the sword (forced conversion, an idea no doubt suggested by the Muslims, reversing hundreds of years of Christian tradition of voluntary conversion only, at least of the rulers), stirring up the hornet's nest and causing the Norse to turn into mean piratical Vikings (meaning people from the fjords who go on overseas expeditions) to get even, dropping the Blonde Bomb and terrorizing France and all of Europe for two centuries in their cool long ships with dragon prows, long after Big C bit the dust, and setting the cause of civilization in Europe back just as long. Luckily, while they couldn't 'get' the Christ thing, a faggot going around with a beard, robe and sandals with 12 homo disciples and never doing it with hot women, then accomplishing nothing militarily or politically other than getting his butt kicked too easily and crucified like a whimp while his pitiful few remaining disciples all hid and/or denied him, while they on the other hand worshiped Thor with his Thunder Hammer, and didn't want to go to Christian Heaven where the Bible says there is no sex, but to the Heroes' Hall in Valhalla where they get to fight all day, die, get resurrected, and screw gorgeous Swedish babes and get drunk on mead all night, then sleep to noon and start over, forever - whew, let me catch my breath - while they couldn't 'get' this whimp and his cult for centuries, one thing about all pagans is that they are by nature superstitious and like to cover all bases, so as the Big Year 1000 (Da Millennium) approached, they finally got spooked by all the missionary talk (before they raped them and slit their throats) that Christ himself would return to judge the living and dead, and the hype worked, because in the late 900s they all decided to quit being bad and lined up to take a bath and join up. It also helped that Thor's Thunder Hammer was the same shape as Christ's Cross, so they didn't have to shell out for a new set of bling, and everybody needs a bath once a year or so. Okay, when their children got brought up as Christians they finally understood that sex outside marriage is sin, that Christ was the perfect man who never yielded to temptation and sinned, and that he purposely let himself be sacrified as the Lamb of God to save humanity, hello to Anglo-Saxon sex guilt and the stoic Swede. At least Christian Euros could finally go back to civilization building, having slipped behind the Muslims and now finally able to make up lost time. While the Danish and Norwegian Vikings terrorized mainland Europe and the British Isles, incl. Ireland, the Swedish Vikings headed east towards Russia, which was named after the Swedish Rus tribe, meaning rowers of longboats. In 862 Swedish Viking Varangian prince Rurik ("famous ruler") (830-79) was allegedly invited by the people of Novogorod to rule their city, founding the Russian tsar (named after Caesar) dynasty, and reopening the Viking trade to the east which had been cut off by the Huns and Avars in the 5th and 6th cents. In 865 the Rus rowed down the Dnieper River and across the Black Sea and sieged the fabled treasure city of Mickelgard (Constantinople), which was saved by a storm which the inhabitants attributed to the Virgin. In 879 Rurik's brother-in-law Prince (879-912) Oleg ("holy") of Novgorod (-912) declared Kiev "the mother of all Russian cities", uniting the eastern Slavs and stopping payment of taxes to the Khazars, establishing Russia from Kiev N to Lake Ladoga, with Kiev as the capital of Kievan Russia until 1169.

Khan Boris I of Bulgaria (-907) St. Vladimir I of Kiev (958-1015) Prince Yuri Dolgoruki of Moscow (1099-1157)

In 865 the pagan Turkic Bulgars converted to Greek Orthodox Christianity after the Byzantines put Khan (852-89) Boris ("battle glory") I (-907) under pressure to forestall a possible German-Roman conversion attempt. He first entertained Muslim envoys and contemplated conversion to polygamy-friendly Islam, but was finally pussy-whipped by a Byzantine princess, whom he married, making Christianity the official religion of the Bulgarians by 870, forcing his subjects to be baptized and reinvent themselves, starting with family relationships, giving up polygamy (with a max. of 3 divorces), and then reforming the govt. along Byzantine lines. In 922 the Volga Bulgars were converted to Islam by Ahman ibn Fadlan, causing them to be systematically attacked by the Russians, after which they were finished off and absorbed in the 1230s and 1240s by the Mongol army of Genghis Khan. In 988 after his envoys experienced the Divine Liturgy at the Church of the Hagia Sophia in Constantinople, and were so wowed that they convinced him to choose Christianity as the designer religion for the Russian people, and the Bulgars tried in vain to interest him in Islam with the soundbyte "We believe in God, and our prophet has taught us that if we do not eat pork or drink wine we shall go to heaven and be waited upon, each one of us, by seventy beautiful women", to which he replied "Drinking is the chief pleasure of the Russians and we could never live without it", Russian prince St. Vladimir ("renowned prince") I (958-1015) of Kiev converted to Orthodox Christianity, and took his people with him. To be fair, he also checked out Judaism, but when he learned of the Diaspora, he uttered the soundbyte "What? You are trying to teach others, you whom your God has punished? He would not have done that if he had loved you and your laws. Do you want the same thing to happen to us?" To be even more fair, he sent ten envoys to Germany, Bulgaria, and Constantinople, and the report was that the Bulgars found no joy in their worship, the Germans found no beauty in theirs, but that with the Byzantines "We found ourselves in the presence of God. We can never forget that beauty." The deal was clinched with the soundbyte "If the Christian faith were a bad one, your grandmother Olga, the wisest of women, would not have adopted it." So, at his "urging", mass baptisms of Russians in the nearest available freezing cold rivers were orchestrated, and that was that, pass the vodka. Just kidding, vodka wasn't introduced until 1386, by ambassadors from Genoa, Italy.

In the 1140s the city of Moscow was founded by prince Yuri Dolgoruki ("long arms") (1099-1157), who in 1156 began building the fort called the Kremlin, which was burned to the ground in 1237-8 by the Mongols, who gave the Swedes a dose of Mongol blood at the same time.

Ya'qub al-Kindi (801-73) Muhammad al-Khwarizmi (780-850) Muhammad al-Razi (854-925) Alhazen (965-1038) Ibn Sina (Avicenna) (980-1037) Avenzoar (1094-1162) Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Ulugh Beg (1393-1449)

Did I mention that modern Jews are smarter than any other group? Oh yes, Muslim Science, check out the one-sided Islam history ignoramus Ben Kingsley vids and get back with me about the whopping total of two Muslim Nobel Prize winners for Science out of a pop. 1.x billion, compared to only two Jews, one cripple, and one black. Actually, a total of three Nobels for intellectual (non-political) categories, one for every 450M Muslims alive today, compared to 169 for Jews, one for every 89K, that's a ratio of 5K. Christians fall in the middle. What happened? For Christians, it was the rise of the Roman Catholic Church and its suppression of all free thought that caused it to hold back the rise of Science and stink itself up because all works of ancient pagans, incl. Greek and Roman scientists were considered works of the Devil and banned, like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Ironically, the Church even suppressed other Christians, particularly those who wanted the Bible alone to be their authority, not Church synods (they later split off permanently as the Protestants starting in 1517). The Muslims, on the other hand, went on for centuries without Science like them, but finally created an elite cadre in Spain (Al-Andalus) and another in Mesopotamia at the House of Wisdom in Baghdad funded by the caliphs, who studied the captured wisdom of da ancient infidels, the land that time forgot, enjoy the scenery just don't upset the natives, and actually advanced Science a bit, about to the modern pre-calculus high school level, no, the 5th grader level, starting with Abu Yusuf Ya'qub ibn Ishaq al-Kindi (801-73) (AKA Alkindus) in Baghdad, who supervised the translation project and introduced Indian numerals to the Islamic world, which made their way to the Christian world and were called Arabic numerals. He stole them from Hindu mathematician Bhaskara I (600-80), who in 629 wrote a verse commentary to the "Aryabhatiya" (499), first using the decimal number system and making it known to Indian scholars. The 499 work was written by Hindu superbrain Aryabhata (476-550), who advanced the theory that the Earth rotates on its axis, gave the correct explanation for eclipses of the Sun and Moon, the value of pi as 3.1416, and solved the quadratic equation with the first known use of algebra, with the soundbyte "The Moon consists of water, the Sun of fire, the Earth of earth, and the Earth's shadow of darkness. The Moon obscures the Sun and the great shadow of the Earth obscures the Moon." Now that the scholars had their Kindles, they ramped things up between their quintuple daily prayer breaks, with Muhammad al-Khwarizmi (780-850) developing algebra (Arabic for restoration), Rhazes (Abu Bakr Muhammad al-Razi) (854-925) ("the Islamic Hippocrates") et al. developing medicine and alchemy (Arabic for art of transformation) (the start of chemistry), Alhazen (Abu Ali al-Hasan ibn al-Hasan ibn al-Haytham) (965-1038) of Egypt (who tried to lay low from the caliphs by feigning madness) founding modern optics, and Avicenna (Ibn Sina) (980-1037) of Persia becoming their best all-around raghead brain man, writing The Canon of Medicine (5 vols.) (1025), which synthesized Greek and Arab medicine, basing medicine on experiment and reason, dominating backward Western medicine until the mid-17th cent., and The Book of Healing (The Cure) (18 vols.) (1027), to cure ignorance of the soul, dividing knowledge into logic, metaphycis, natural science, and math (arithmetic, geometry, astronomy, and music). Another Muslim brain man was Spanish Muslim physician Avenzoar (Ibn Zuhr) (1094-1162), who died in Seville after having performed the first tracheotomy on a goat, leaving Book of Simplification on Therapeutics and Diet (Kitab al-Tasir), written at the request of his friend Averroes, who called him the greatest physician since Galen; it covers clinical descriptions of pericarditis, mediastinal tumors, intestinal tuberculosis, and pharyngeal paralysis, describing the use of bezoar stones (gastroliths) as medicinal items, becoming a hit in Latin and Hebrew translation.

Too bad, it's pretty hard to engage in a laborious lab research project when you have to stop and pray 1-2-3-4-5 times a day to the non-existent Blaalah while Islamic police hold scimitars over your necks, and since religious dictators control society, any and every advance you make is immediately subjected to scrupulous examination for potential heresy, which they call Bid'ah ("innovation"), plus why aren't you out there with everybody else, Abdul, killing infidels for Allah, what are you, a draft evader? Actually, the general Muslim pop. always hated and feared Muslim scientists, as they do now, and they could only do it under the protection of a powerful ruler. As De Lacy O'Leary (1872-1957) put it: "Islam generally had its own wise men, men learned in jurisprudence, tradition, and Qur'an. These were universally respected with ungrudging esteem, such as was never rendered to the scientists who were only tolerated because they were under state protection. It very much tempers our estimate of Arabic learning to remember that scientific and philosophical scholarship was confined to one privileged coterie." Until the West began taking over in the Renaissance, both the Islamic and Christian worlds accepted Ptolemy's 2nd cent. C.E. Almagest ("Great Compilation") that claimed that the Earth is the center of the Universe and everything else revolves around it, let's make a muscle, make a difference, and flex for MDA, they were neck-in-neck in astronomical stupidity while claiming to have pipelines to God. Speaking of Islam killing not incubating Science, around 1100 Persian Sunni Sufi mystic theologian Abu Hamid Muhammad al-Ghazali (1058-1111) started a reaction against ancient Greek and Roman learning, launching the theory of Occasionalism, to the effect that all cause and effect is determined not by scientific laws but by Allah and his angels, with the soundbyte: "A clumsy and stupid person must be kept away from the seashore, not the proficient swimmer, and a child must be prevented from handling a snake, not the skilled snake-charmer", along with the soundbyte: "The gates of ijtihad (rational debate) in Islam are now closed", meaning that perfection had been reached in both social and spiritual philosophy, hence the conservatives rule and the rationalists are out, causing an Islamic theocracy to be built up which regarded the very concept of scientific laws as an affront to Allah and an infringement of his freedom to act, after which Islam became kaput as an engine of science, and only kept a few engineers around to build butt bombs. Hence, Islam had its chance to prove to the world that it was the leader in science and technology who would turn Earth into a paradise, and blew it bigtime, forever proving it to be the opposite, watch that pothole it might contain an IED, which to be fair puts it on a par with the horrible mean Roman Catholic Church, let's rack 'em up, it seems like the Devil takes over all big organizations after enough time, which is why the little guy has to know who's at the top, God or the Devil, and bypass the organization as necessary to get to the real dude. Not that it's all the Muslims' fault. The House of Wisdom was destroyed by the Mongols of Hulagu Khan in 1258, after which the waters of the Tigris River ran black for 6 mo. from all the ink from the ruined books. In 1420 brain man and future Persian Mongol Timurid sultan (1447-9) Ulugh Beg (1393-1449) (grandson of Tamerlane) founded the Samarkand Observatory, which had instruments to measure precise star positions, becoming the last great Muslim observatory, compiling books of trigonometric tables of sine and tangent values accurate to 8 decimal places; despite science being all-but dead in the Muslim World, thanks to the headlock of the Church, Muslim science remained far ahead of Christendom until about 1600, and I think by now we know that no Bible-thumping religion can claim credit, only scientists who braved the Bible-thumpers, which became easier to do in Christendom because Jeezy never said kill infidels like Muhammad did. In summary, as Pakistani nuclear physicist Pervez Amirali Hoodbhoy (1950-) recently put it, for the last 700 years Islam and Science have "parted ways", and even today Muslims tend to go into engineering rather than science since it strains their belief system less. By the way, a lot or even most of them early Muslim scientists were really Jews, who were forced to convert to Islam and coverup their backgrounds, not to mention a lot or even most of them later Christian scientists, who were forced by the Inquisition to convert to Roman Catholicism and coverup their backgrounds, so like I said.

Ibn al-Rawandi (827-911) Maurice Bucaille (1920-98) Ibn al-Rawandi (2227-2311)

Not that the Quran doesn't give Muslims a headstart in scientific misconceptions, starting with teaching that the Earth is flat in Sura 20:53 ("made the Earth for you like a carpet spread out"), that mountains hold the Earth in place and keep it from shaking (21:31), and that "He withholds the sky from falling on the Earth except by his leave" (22:65), I believe we have the Big Bang. Sura At-Tariq 86:6-7 ("knock on the door") says that sperm originates between the spine and the ribs, i.e., the kidneys, an idea they probably stole from Greek physician Hippocrates, not that there isn't a coverup that the verse says that man was created from a turbulent water that issued from between tough rocks and mingled dust. Not that the Quran is consistent about where man came from, claiming he was created from earth (11:61), from dry clay (15:26,28,33, 17:61, 32:7), from nothing (19:67), not from nothing (52:35), from wet earth (23:12), from mire (38:71), from water (25:54, 21:30, 24:45), from dust (3:59, 30:20, 35:11), or from the dead (30:19, 39:6), does the Quran ever get sick of being the butt of our jokes? Did you know that Allah's angels "take charge" while sperm enters a woman's womb (Bukhari 1.6.315, 4.54.430, 8.73.17, 18, Sahih Muslim 33.6392). Or that human limbs can "carry Islamic sins" (Sunaan Nasai 1.149)? Or that human organs can talk like a human being (Quran 41:20, 41:21, 36:65, 24:24)? Beep beep beep, according to hadith Sahih al-Bukhari Vol. 4, Book 55, No. 543, Muhammad claimed that Allah told him that Adam was 60 cubits tall, that would be 90 ft. Furthermore, all humans started out as giants then systematically shrunk. Too bad, a cubit is based on the length of the human hand, so if that's shrinking how can Selena Gomez make a love song about that? Imagine devoting one's life to this final prophet, give him a hand. Speaking of heresy, Islam did produce one known Arab rationalist skeptic, Ibn al-Rawandi (827-911), who repudiated Islam and all revealed religion. No surprise, all his works got lost on purpose, and all that's left are quotes from works claiming to refute him.

So, why did the West become #1 in Science? Simple, the scientists dethroned the Church and its authority over the mind, while the Islamic world never did, now here we sit. Maybe it has something to do with White Is Right, and whites just make the best scientists, other than maybe yellows that is, check back with me after they completely decode the human genome and have a definitive answer. Of course we're now in the 21st century, enjoying all the non-Muslim science and technology that Allah never gave us, but Arabs have big oil bucks, and are busy spending it to rewrite history to make Allah a scientist even though he wasn't smart enough to invent gunpowder, 75-15-10 saltpeter-charcoal-sulfur you dumb ass clown, by volume not weight, despite it being so necessary to his program, unlike Christ, who wants a world forever free of all weapons or Allah. In 1976 French physician Maurice Bucaille (1920-98), personal physician to King Faisal of Saudia Arabia pub. The Bible, the Quran and Science, claiming that the Quran squares with modern science, and promotes the Big Bang Theory, space travel and other modern scientific breakthroughs, which becomes known as Bucailleism, and is being promoted by a well-funded Muslim publicity machine. Meanwhile modern Muslim women medical personnel refuse to roll up their sleeves when washing hands as immodest, looking for love in the operating room. By the way, modern archeologists have dug in vain for evidence of any real Golden Age of Islam, such as university buildings or even palaces, and come up empty before around 950 C.E., when the Byzantines were going through their own little Macedonian Renaissance, who knows, give them more spades.

Shit Sandwich Fatimid Empire

Did I mention Muslim splits and sandwiches? You might call the 900s the Shiite Sandwich Century. In 891 the strict vegetarian Qarmati (Qarmatian) (Karamita) ("those who wrote in small letters") sect of Ismaili (Isma'ili) (Sevener) Shiites began a revolt against the Abbasids in Kufa, spreading to Iraq, Syria and Bahrain, and becoming cock of the walk in the Persian Gulf for much of the 10th cent. They believed that the 7th imam Isma'il (d. 760) was the last, and that therefore the Ismaili Fatimid regime founded by a later imam is bogus. In 899 they set up a utopian republic in E Arabia. In 903-4 they invaded Syria and sieged Damascus. Believing that the Hajj is a superstition, in 906 they ambushed a caravan of Hajj pilgrims returning from Mecca and massacred 20K. In 923 under madass leader Abu Tahir Sulayman Al-Jannabi (906-44) they raided Basra, followed in 927 by Kufa, then in 929 unsuccessfully attempted to raid Baghdad, leaving after extracting tributes from pilgrims trying to go on Hajj, and sacking the countryside instead. In 929 they captured Mecca after lying that they were only there to worship in peace then massacring pilgrims, desecrating the Well of Zamzam with their corpses, after which they prevented pilgrims from going on the annual Hajj until they were booted out in 950, causing Muslims to switch to Jerusalem, where they rubbed elbows with pesky Jews and increased their intolerance of them noticeably, why does something tells me that them Jews will pull strings in Christendom to get even. Al-Jannabi also stole the holy evil Black Stone from the Qaaba in an attempt to set up his own Mahdi-Caliph, a young Persian prisoner named Abul Fadl al-Isfahani, hiding it in their base in Ahsa, Bahrain for ransom. Too bad, after ordering the burning of Muslim religious books and restoring the age-old Zoroastrian worship of fire, the squirt went too far and ordered the execution of Bahrain nobles incl. Al-Jannabi's family, causing A-J to change his mind about him and have him executed. Al-Jannabi, who might have been a rationalist heretic, we can hope, is known for the immortal soundbyte "In this world, three people have corrupted mankind: a shepherd, a physician, and a camel-driver, and the last one was the worst pickpocket and prestidigitator of all time". Too bad, he died of smallpox in 944, and the movement began to collapse, although the Black Stone wasn't returned until 951, wrapped in a sack and thrown into the Friday Mosque of Kufa with a note attached reading "By command we took it, and by command we brought it back." Too bad, it was broken into seven pieces, who says it wasn't a fake? By the way, royal families that claim to be directly descended from Prophet Mohammed are what they call Sherifian, meaning they have the right to guard the holy cities and shrines of Mecca and Medina, hyo-silver. Meanwhile on Jan. 5, 909 the Shiite Fatimids from Ifriqiya (Tunisia and Algeria) took over Egypt along with the caliphate, founding the city of Cairo and ruling the Maghreb ("place of the sunset", "west") (NC and NE Africa), Levant (E Mediterranean incl. the Holy Land), Sicily and Malta until 1171. They considered Christians as dumb animals compared to their high civilization, and were the ones who had to take on the pesky backward filthy illegal immigrant Crusaders, who might have set back the cause of Christ a thousand years with their atrocities, no, not maybe. In the 8th-10th cents. the Shiite Mu'tazili (Mutazilite) School flourished, which held human reason (Aql) higher than tradition, especially when interpreting the Quran, pissing off Sunnis and giving them another reason to damn them as infidels and whip out the scimitars. Not that they used reason to question the foundations of Islam, particularly the doctrine that the Quran is divine, so don't get worked up about a rationalist revival in Islam from these turds.

Robert R. Reilly

Speaking of Islamic Science turning to shit, Islam itself went through a profound theological revolution for the worse and started turning to total shit in 912 (almost the same year that the pagan Viking Normans went Christian) when Basra-born Arab Sunni theologian Abu al-Hasan al-Ashari (Ash'ari) broke with Mutazilite teacher Abu 'Ali Muhammad al-Jubbai'i (-915) and the liberal Aristotelian Mutazilite School, and founded the fundamentalist Neoplatonist Ashari (Ash'ari) (Kalam) School of Islam, which throws Reason and Science into the Ashari Can, rejecting freewill and the rationality of God, and became dominant in Islam, later leading to terrorists like Osama bin Laden, who reject arguments that because God is bound by reason, Islam shouldn't be spread through fear and violence since that would be against reason, but instead claim that God is pure will and power, hence above reason, and there is no barrier to mandatory violence in God's name, especially with a mean hate-filled god like Allah who offers paradise for martyrdom, and mean hate-filled example like the warrior cheftain Muhammad. True, Western Christian theologians like Thomas Aquinas were also Neoplatonists, but because of the example of Christ in letting the Romans execute him rather than call out an army of angels to destroy them, indicating a sublime reason behind it all that makes all human violence ultimately wrong, they never went all the way and could even be considered closet Aristotelians, which helped the West free itself from theistic control of Science and rocket ahead of the Islamic world, because to Aristotelians the Universe is ultimately rational, and God beckons us to figure out how it works, while with Islamic Asshole, er, Asharites the Universe is ultimately magic, and Allah can make anything happen he wants with or without a reason behind it, so you better bow and submit to him now or else, whap. And to Asharites, democracy is just a phase of infidelity, double whap. Too bad, there seems to be no sign of an Aristotelian revolution in modern-day Islam in sight, so watch your heads after they get nukes, according to Robert R. Reilly in his 2010 book The Closing of the Muslim Mind: How Intellectual Suicide Created the Modern Islamist. The joke on them Muslims is that the Allah that they throw away reason in order to kill for is really the Devil, who didn't create the Universe in the first place but will be glad to destroy half of it if he can gain complete control of mankind, call me a softy for Christianity or at least Deism on that issue.

Al Mansur (938-1002) Al Mansur's Empire in Muslim Green 'The Long Ships', 1964

Back in Spain, in 981 Al Mansur (Almanzor) (938-1002) took over as caliph of Cordoba, winning 57 straight campaigns and pushing the Muslim boundaries by 1000 to their maximum extent, bunching the remaining Christians in the NW in the kingdoms of Leon, Castile, and Pamplona. Too bad, he brought in Berber mercenaries to win, who stayed and later took over. Later, Hollyweird released the 1964 flick The Long Ships, with Sidney Poitier portraying Al Mansur, who titillates white U.S. audiences when he gets all the white babes he wants and they like it, kiss me with a hammer, ride the Steel Mare.

Mahmud of Ghazni (973-1030) Firdawsi (935-1020)

Back in Afghanistan, the poorly-documented Buddhist/Hindu Shahi Rulers of Kabul ruled it from the 4th cent. until 987 C.E., although Islam was making steady inroads. In 644 Chinese Buddhist monk Xuanzang (Hiuen Tsang) (602-63) visited the Afghan city of Kapisa (known for wine) near Kabul, and claimed it was part of a Buddhist Kshatriya kingdom of 10 states. In 870 Islamized Turkic tribes led by Yakub bin Lais (-879) conquered Kabul from the Shahis after "treachery and deception such as no one had ever committed", but they took it back in 879, making it the capital of the kingdom of Waihind (Ohind) (Kabulistan), which included most of the Kabul River valley and the Gandhara (modern-day Kashmir and N Pakistan). In 977 Arab scholar Ibn Hawqal described Kabul as still under Buddhist control, with the Muslims controlling the single road into and out of the city. In 961 Turkish Samanid Muslim Sunni slave (mamluk) gen. Abu Mansur Sebuktigin (942-97), former officer of Alptigin ("brave prince") founded the Ghaznavid Dynasty in Ghazni (Ghazna) S of Kabul in Afghanistan (ends 1187), which was based on slave soldiers subsisting on land taxes (iqta'), and proclaimed allegiance to the Abbasid Caliphate while cultivating both Islamic and Persian culture. In 987 they finally took the pesky city of Kabul, and it's been under Muslim control ever since. Mahmud of Ghazni (971-1030) (another descendant of former Turkish slaves) turned the city of Ghazni into the capital of an extensive Muslim empire extending into Iran, Pakistan, and NW India, becoming the first to use the title of sultan ("authority"), while acknowledging the suzerainty of the caliphs. When he wasn't persecuting Fatimid Shiites for his Abbasid caliphs, in 1008 he invaded India and pillaged, looted and destroyed numerous Hindu and Buddhist temples, incl. the great Temple of Krishna in Mathura, followed by the Temple of Shiva in Somnath, Gujarat in 1024, personally hammering the golden lingam (phallus) to pieces and carting the temple's stones back to Ghazni for use in the Jama Masjid (Friday Mosque). Ever since, Hindus hated the Muslims' guts. Sultan One did use some of his loot to patronize Persian poet Firdawsi (Firdausi) (Ferdowsi) (935-1020), who produced the Shahnameh, Iran's national epic, telling of Iran's mythical past from Creation to the Islamic conquest, which revived the Persian language after it had been smothered by Arabic. The horrible onslaught of Islam in India (which included modern-day Pakistan) killed as many as 80 million by 1525, causing the pop. to actually decline, and that doesn't include the zillions of Indians they enslaved and handed Qurans to read in chains. "The Mohammedan conquest of India was probably the bloodiest story in history." - William James "Will" Durant (1885-1981)

Speaking of Islam's tolerance for Judaism and Christianity. In Sept. 1009 after ordering the destruction in 1003 of St. Mark's Church in Fustat, Egypt and replacing it with the al-Rashida Mosque, which impinges on nearby Jewish and Christian cemeteries, followed by orders to confiscate Christian bldgs., burn crosses, and build small mosques on their roofs, falling for advisors who tell him how rich and arrogant Christians in Jerusalem are, mad Egyptian Fatimid Shiite caliph Al-Hakim orders the destruction of all churches (30K?) and synagogues in Jerusalem; his men sack and nearly destroy the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, along with the Anastasis and the Martyrdom of Constantine, leaving only a few portions of the Rotunda on Golgotha; he follows with legislation to segregate dhimmis from the Muslim ummah and force them to convert to Islam by making Christians wear heavy crosses around their necks and making Jews carry a large block of wood; in 1011 Jews are stoned in Fustat as they follow a funeral cortege, while the synagogue in Jerusalem is desecrated and its holy scrolls burned; 1016 he turns on Muslims, forcing them to subsitute his name for God in Friday prayers, sparking riots in Cairo, which only makes him madder, and in 1017 he forbids Muslims to fast on Ramadan or to make the hajj to Mecca, torturing those who disobey; luckily for everybody, one night in 1021 he rides out of Cairo alone into the desert and is never seen again, leaving Christian Jerusalem in ruins, after which in 1023 his sister Sitt al-Mulk sends Patriarch Nicephorus of Jerusalem to Constantinople to report on the situation and get authorization to rebuild, only to be interrupted in 1024 by a revolt against the Fatimids by the Bedouin Jarrah Tribe, who seize control of the roads in Palestine and lay the countryside waste.

Crab Nebula

With the gigantic threat of Islam looming, you think this would have caused Rome and Constantinople to kiss and make up, but split happened to them too, the Roman-Greek Catholic Church Schism of 1054, the same year that Chinese and Arab astronomers first recorded the Crab Nebula (no Euro astronomers did, they were too backward, starting to catch-up in astronomy only after capturing Toledo in 1085), the Eastern church ending up being called the Eastern Orthodox Catholic Church, the Mona Lisa isn't oil on canvas but oil on wood.

William I the Conqueror of England (1027-87) Lady Godiva (1020-80)

One good thing came from the Vikings and Millennium Fever: Shakespeare. How? The Normans, who started out as Norwegian Vikings, then settled in the bad side of France in 911 after agreeing to become Christians, which they ended up calling Normandy (Duchy of the Northmen), finally invaded and took over England from the Anglo-Saxon Germans (who ruled it since the fall of Rome) in 1066 under mean Norman warlord William I the Conqueror (1027-87), who used the coincidence that Halley's Comet appeared just as the big Millennium Fever date of 6/6/1066 came around, freaking out the superstitious Saxon pop. into believing that God was sending them a skywriting message that they will lose their island to some kind of Antichrist, and saw his chance, sending recruiters all over Europe promising mercenaries spoils for joining his cause of stealing the British Isle, which turned out to be a cakewalk. No wonder the Anglo-Saxons were whimps, they got into Christian liberalism and even streaking, like Lady Godiva (1020-80), easy off, good food deserves a good oven, spread a little love today, spread a little something to remember, love stinks yah yah. The haughty Normans kicked the Anglo-Saxons down, calling them dogs, and tried to force them to speak French, after all they learned it, but the Anglo-Saxons resisted, speaking it only to their Norman lords while continuing to speak German in their huts, until several generations went by, garbling up the hut talk and ending up with the mixture called English, hence voila, Shakespeare.

Moses Maimonides (1135-1204) Averroes (1126-98)

Speaking of the year 1066, on Dec. 30, 1066 after getting jealous of their superior er, culture and attainments, and getting inflamed by the anti-Semitic writings of Cordoban Muslim scholar Ibn Hazm (994-1064), a Muslim mob stormed the royal palace of Granada, Spain and assassinated Jewish vizier Joseph ibn Naghrela (b. 1035), then massacred the Jewish pop. of the city, killing off 1.5K Jewish families, about 4K total, about the same as the Spanish Inquisition of 1478-1833 killed over several centuries (Islam is always light years ahead in the killing field?); poet Abu Ishaq, who helped to incite the pogrom composed a poem justifying it, with the soundbyte "Do not consider it a breach of faith to kill them, the breach of faith would be to let them carry on/ They have violated our covenant with them, so how can you be held guilty against the violators?" In 1148 an Almohad invasion of Andalusia under 'Abd al-Mu'min captured Cordoba Seville, Montilla, Aguilar, and Baena, and destroyed the Jewish city of Lucena (Eliossana), closing the Jewish Academy of Lucena; after the Muslims demanded conversion, death, or exile, most Jews chose exile, causing massive Jewish emigration to the Christian zone of the Iberian peninsula, later resulting in Sephardic Jewish settlement in E Europe; future top Jewish brain man Maimonides (1135-1204) fled Cordoba to Morocco, Palestine, and Egypt, where he got the office of Ra'is al-Yahud, official Jewish leader for Fatimid Egypt created in 1176, with him as leader #1, after which the position stayed in the hands of his descendants until the early 15th cent.; Maimonides worked in parallel with Spanish Muslim big brain Averroes (Ibn Rushd) (1126-98) to revive the study of Aristotle in the backward West, which was great when it came to his belief that the Universe is a Machine that had laws and could be figured out, but later backfired when they wouldn't give up his fractured scientific views no matter how wrong the dude was, sure gold and manure fall at different rates. Not that Maimonides liked the Muslims or what they were doing for Jews. In 1165 the Almohads in Morocco forced the Jews to convert to Islam, incl. Maimonides, who fled to Palestine then Egypt, and wrote "Epistle on Forced Conversion", deciding that fleeing even sans belongings to freedom is preferable to conversion or martyrdom, although choosing to die rather than renounce the faith "is good and proper", while those who feign conversion profane God's name, "not exactly, but almost so". He also wrote the soundbyte: "The nation of Ishmael, who persecute us severely, and who devise ways to harm us and to debase us... No nation has ever done more harm to Israel. None has matched it in debasing and humiliating us. None has been able to reduce us as they have... We have borne their imposed degradation, their lies, and absurdities, which are beyond human power to bear." Talk about holding a grudge, the anti-Semitism in Islam was so bad back then that even converted Jewish Muslims got into the act, incl. Ibn Yahya al-Maghribi al-Samaw-al (Samau'al al-Maghribi) (1130-80), who converted to Islam in 1163 and produced the super-anti-Semitic tract Silencing the Jews, which was trans. into English in 1964 by Moshe Perlmann, who noted that the Quran and Hadith were mined for anti-Jewish material by him, call it recycled material, take it everywhere you go to persecute Jews in so-called harmonious multicultural Islamic Spain.

Seljuk Empire

Backing up, in 985 Khazar army officer Seljuk (Seljuq) (-1038), son of Duqat Timuryaligh ("of the iron bow") split his clan off from the Turkish Tokuz-Oghuz confederacy of nine clans in Turkestan between the Aral and Caspian Seas, and set up on the right bank of the lower Syr Darya (Jaxartes) River near Kzyl Orda in modern-day SC Kazakhstan, converting to Sunni Islam. His sons were named Michael, Israel, Musa, and Jonah (Yunus), showing contact with Judaism. On Nov. 29, 1031 Abbasid caliph (since 991) Al-Qadir (b. 947) died, and his son Al-Qa'im (1001-75) succeeded him (until Apr. 2, 1075); Hisham III dies, and the Umayyad Caliphate of Cordoba was abolished, causing over 40 Muslim-ruled petty Abbasid kingdoms known as taifas (run by emirs) to spring up in Moorish Spain, the main ones being Badajoz (1009-94), Toledo (1010-85), Valencia (1010-94), Almeria (1011-91), Zaragoza (1018-46), Cordoba (1031-91), Granada (1013-90), and Seville (1023-91); meanwhile the former situation where the Christian kingdoms of N Spain had to pay tribute to the all-powerful caliphate of Cordoba began to be reversed, and the fractured taifas ended up paying tribute (parias) to them; when they called on brother Muslims from N Africa to help them, the latter tried to absorb their taifas into their N African kingdoms, causing them to finally hire Christian mercenaries such as El Cid. In 1037 the Persianized Turkish Sunni Seljuk (Seljuq) Empire was founded by Sultan Tugrul (Togrul) Beg (990-1063), lasting until 1307, becoming one of the first Turkish peoples to rule in formerly Christian Asia Minor. On May 23, 1040 they defeated the Ghaznavids at the Battle of Dandanaqan, giving them control of Khurasan, after which they expanded into Transoxiana and Persia. In 1049 Turkic Seljuk Sultan Tughril Bey conquered the unwalled city of Arzden W of Lake Van in Armenia, killing the entire pop. of 150K, plundering the town and its 800 churche, and torching it, adding insult to injury by placing big chunks of pork in the hands of the victims to insult them before carting off the women and children to Persian slavery; "Like famished dogs, bands of infidels hurled themselves on our city, surrounded it and pushed inside, massacring the men and mowing everything down like reapers in the fields, making the city a desert. Without mercy, they incinerated those who had hidden themselves in houses and churches" (eyewitness Aristakes); "That was the beginning of the misfortunes of Armenia, so lend an ear to this melancholy recital." (Matthew of Edessa) In 1054 Tugrul Beg sieges Manzikert in Armenia, under the command of Christian Byzantine Gen. Basil Apokapes (Apocapes), using a massive catapault to break down the walls until a Roman Catholic Frank bravely sallies forth and destroys it, after which the Armenians catapult a pig into the Muslim camp while shouting "O sultan, take that pig for your wife, and hwe will give you Manzikert as a victory", pissing him off and causing him to order all Christian POWs in his camp ritually decapitated before packing up and leaving. In Dec. 1055 Tugrul Beg moved W and took Baghdad, then freed the Abbasid caliph from the heretic Shiite Zaydi (Fiver) Buyids (Buwayhids) (who took over Iran and Iraq in 934, using the Sunni Abbasid caliphs as fronts, and now became kaput), causing him to recognize him as sultan, after which the Turks became the "men of the sword" (official protectors of Sunni Islam), partnering with the Persians and Arabs, who became "men of the law". In 1060 Tugrul Beg seized Sebastia (modern-day Sivas) in Armenia, destroying 600 churches and carting the women away into Persian slavery. "Who is able to relate the happenings and ruinous events which befell the Armenians, for everything was covered with blood... Because of the great number of corpses, the land stank, and all of Persia was filled with innumerable captives; thus this whole nation of beasts became drunk with blood. All human beings of Christian faith were in tears and in sorrowful affliction, because God our creator had turned away His benevolent face from us." (Matthew of Edessa) In 1064-5 the madass Musli Seljuk Turks under Sultan Alp Arslan (Muhammad bin Dawud Chahgri) sieged and took the fortified Armenian capital of Ani, City of 1001 Churches, burning the clergy and monks alive and carting off the women and children to Persian captivity, desecrating, pillaging, and burning all the churches and monasteries, and sending a man-sized silver cross to Azerbaijan to adorn a mosque, turning the city into a desert before ravaging the rest of Armenia; the first Turkoman tribes enter Syria.

Alp Arslan (1029-72) and Romanos IV (1030-72)

On Aug. 26, 1071 the Battle of Manzikert (Malazgirt) was a giant V for the Seljuks under sultan #2 Alp Arslan ("valiant lion") (1029-72) over the Byzantines under emperor (1068-71) Romanos IV Diogenes (1030-72), after which Turks began moving into Asia Minor permanently, eventually turning it into Turkey as they contracted the Christians back toward Constantinople and turned their churches into mosques, incl. the Seven Churches of Asia that St. John the Evangelist had written his Revelation to, I guess it was past the Millennium and they weren't needed anymore for the big punchline.

Alfonso VI the Brave of Castile-Leon (1037-1109)

On May 25, 1085 the Castilian Christians under king (since 1072) Alfonso VI the Brave (1037-1109) recaptured Toledo in C Spain from the Muslims, immensely advancing Christian knowledge of astronomy and reviving the theory of the sphericity of the Earth, laying the foundation for the Renaissance.

William IX the Troubadour of Aquitaine (1071-1127)

The Almoravid Dynasty revives Muslim rule in Spain, only in a retro form? In spring 1086 the Castilians under Alfonso VI siege Zaragoza, but call it off when the backward black fundamentalist Berber Almoravids (Al-Murabitun) (Al-Morabiton) (1040-1147) (backward horsemen from the W Sahara of the Lamtuna and Gudala tribes, known for riding to war wearing veils that only leave their eyes visible, who founded their capital of Marrakesh in 1062) heed a call from bi Abbadid (not Abbasid) ruler of Seville (1069-91) Al-Mutamid (Al-Mu'tamid) (1040-95) and land in the S; in June the 500-man Almoravid advance guard takes Algeciras, and the remaining 12K-20K soon follow, with al-Mutamid not realizing that their goal is to steal his kingdom until it's too late; the Castilians under Alvar Fanez (Fáńez) (Háńez) de Minaya (-1114) (El Cid's nephew and right-hand man) install Al-Qadir as emir of Valencia; on Oct. 23 the Almoravids under Yusuf ibn Tashfin decisively defeat Alfonso VI at the Battle of Zalaca (Zallaqa) (Zagrajas) (Sagrajas) (Arab. "az-Zallqah" = slippery ground, because the warriors kept slipping from the great amount of blood on the ground) in Andalusia, killing 24K Christian soldiers and shipping their heads all over Andalusia and N Africa (Allah Akbar?); 500 Christian cavalrymen flee and surive; happy Tashfin returns to Morocco, while the Almoravids go on to conquer all of Spain between the Tagus and Ebro Rivers by 1090, thumping their Qurans and ending the Muslim high culture incl. science and art, descending Andalusia into pure retro science-hating head-lopping fundamentalist Muhammad darkness; in Dec. El Cid and Alfonso VI are finally reconciled; meanwhile 15-y.-o. William IX (the Troubador) (1071-1127), new duke of Aquitaine and Gascony and count of Poitou inherits some Muslim harem girls, finding out that they are like geishas and sing too, copying them and becoming the first troubadour - a Christian head is a Muslim tailfin?

Hasan-i Sabbah of the Assassins (1050-1124) Hashish Smoker

Around 1090 the Persian Shiite sect of Assassins (Hashshashin) was founded by Hassan-i Sabbah (1050-1124), which loved to assassinate its enemies with daggers, incl. the Fatimids, Seljuk Turks, even the famed Saladin. For a long time Westerners thought they smoked hashish, but they forgot that they weren't love-peace hippies, and had the clean-burning mental fuel of pure Islam hate and the orgasm of holy murder and didn't need it, sorry. Still, the hash-assin story is too good not to tell history ignoramuses.

El Cid (1043-99)

After Al Mansur died, a big breakthrough for the Christians in Spain was made by El Cid (Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar) (1043-99), Doctor of Military Arts (Campeador), who on his warhorse Babieca (Spanish for stupid) conquered the plum, er, orange city of Valencia in 1094, and tried a mini-megamerge, allowing both Christians and Muslims into the army and administration. Too bad, after he died the Almoravids recaptured it on May 5, 1102, and put Christians back into their 9th class places.

Omar Khayyam (1048-1122) 'The Rubaiyat' by Omar Khayyam (1048-1122)

In passing, I must mention one Muslim who is almost good enough to emigrate to the West even today, the freethinking wine-loving Persian brain man Omar Khayyam (1048-1122), known for his epic treatise on algebra, and his cool poem The Rubaiyat ("Quatrains"). The truth is that he was so cool because he was Persian first and Muslim last, i.e., areligious, imagine how great Persia could have become if it weren't for Islam. It's too bad the Iranians of today don't chuck Islam and that Shiite shiite and get with it like him, they'd become a magnificent culture again. "Some go for the pleasures here below/ Others yearn for the Prophet's Paradise to come/ Ah, take the cash and let the credit go,/ Nor heed the rumble of a distant drum." "A book of verses underneath the bough,/ A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou/ Beside me singing in the wilderness/ Oh, wilderness were Paradise enow!" "The Moving Finger writes, and having writ,/ Moves on, nor all thy piety nor wit/ Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,/ Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it." "I sometimes think that never blows so red/ The rose as where some buried Caesar bled." "One thing is certain, and the rest is lies;/ The flower that once has blown forever dies." "Myself when young did eagerly frequent/ Doctor and Saint, and heard great argument/ About it and about; but evermore/ Came out by the same door as in I went." "The Koran! well, come put me to the test - / Lovely old book in hideous error drest - / Believe me, I can quote the Koran too,/ The unbeliever knows his Koran best."

Crusader Crusader Map Pope Urban II (1035-99) Godfrey de Bouillon (1058-1100) Knights Templar Seal Baphomet Dan Brown (1964-)

It was now 1095, 450 years after the death of Prophet Muhammad, and 95 years after Christ's failed Second Coming, and you'd think that the Christian world would finally drop deadbeat dad Christ for areligious secularism and Science like in the good ole Roman days, and unite with the whole non-Muslim World to create a circle of steel around the Muslim World and contract it until they killed or converted every last one of them world stinkers to stop them from breeding, then turned Mecca into a giant casino. But no, they would never give up Christ, and all other religions, especially the Christian one have moral principles, and can't come up with the resolve to start the job and finish it if it don't look like self-defense, else they might have got lucky and got the Saracens in a sandwich with the Mongols. And there was no Internet they could all communicate on to wise up and organize, rather, they were just emerging from the Dark Ages and many even thought that Muhammad was a Christian heretic. Worse, St. John's Revelation seemed to be talking to them and telling them to wait for Christ to lead an army of angels and finish them off, but that he was waiting for them to show their faith by taking Jerusalem for him first, yes, that's it, he's waiting for us to make the first move. Anyway, love stinks, and starting in 1095 the Christians began the misguided Crusades, not to finally exterminate Islam but merely to regain Jerusalem, with the leaders wearing white tunics with the bloody red cross of Christ on them, announcing that they wanted to make infidel Saracen blood flow so they could get a free pass to Heaven from the pope, Rome's Dancing With the Stars on ABC. In did-I-say 1095 Pope (1088-99) Urban II (1035-99) preached the first Crusade, er, First Crusade, promising a set-up-house plenary indulgence from sins for all who joined, causing every robber, rapist, murderer and other criminal in Christendom to flock in, while the royals snubbed it, the highest ranking noble being leader Godfrey (Godfroi) de Bouillon (1058-1100), duke of Lower Lorraine, who allegedly traces back to both Charlemagne and last Merovingian Sigisbert IV, even Jewish prince Guillem de Gellone, and started out by declaring that he would avenge the blood of Jesus upon the Jews, and kill all who won't convert, abetted by a monk who claimed that an inscription on the Holy Sepulchre orders all Christians to convert them; he later got a promotion to king of Jerusalem but turned it down because he didn't want another David Letterman extortion case. Like the Sword and Cross program of Charlemagne, Christianity seems to have been corrupted by the Muslims themselves, their perception that they could get away with the convert-or-die thing working on their minds, as in the grass is redder on the other side and keep up with the Shits and Shinolas, so call it the what goes around comes around effect, act like a man, what's the matter with you. Sure, the Christians were only coming to the rescue of poor illegal immigrant pilgrims after hearing of Saracen atrocities, then got caught up in the moment, start pursuing your career in Christian criminal justice today. The Sunni Turkic Seljuks were their first targets, followed by the Fatimids who held Big J. On June 7-July 15, 1099 the Siege of Jerusalem captured the Jewish capital for Christ, which they immediately stunk up by massacring Muslims and Jews as if they were the Allah Akbars, reducing the pop. from 70K to 30K, with the soundbyte that the Crusaders "were killing and slaying even to the Temple of Solomon, where the slaughter was so great that our men waded in blood up to their ankles". "They went together through the streets with their swords and spears in hand. All that they met they slew and smote right down, men, women, and children, sparing none... They slew so many in the streets that there were heaps of dead bodies, and one might not go nor pass but upon them that so lay dead... There was so much blood shed that the channels and gutters ran all with blood, and all the streets of the town were covered with dead men." (12th cent. historian William of Tyre). After the remaining Jews (who had helped the Muslims defend the city) holed-up in their synagogue, the Christians burned them alive, allegedly singing "Christ, We Adore Thee", God's Weight Plan, only 100 calories each. Starting with Crusade #2, the royals took them over in order to get the credit. One permanent thing the Crusades generated that changed Euro history was the Knights Templar, named after the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem, who were supposed to guard Christian pilgrims in their dangerous journeys to and from the coastal port of Jaffa, but ended up becoming the richest international organization in Europe with special protection from the papacy, getting into traveler's checks and banking and ending up with every royal in Europe owing them money, causing them to finally be ruthlessly exterminated starting on Friday the 13th, 1307 after being accused of worshiping Baphomet (Arab. "abufihamet" = father of wisdom?), a combo Satan, Muhammad, and goat, with Madonna's breasts but no bustiere, causing the remnants to mole into the Roman Catholic Church with a plot to destroy it from within as the so-called Illuminati, see about a zillion Web sites or the profound super-accurate historical tomes and films of Yankee Templar-wannabe Dan Brown (1964-), nyuk nyuk.

Crusader Map Louis VII the Young of France (1120-80) Conrad III of Germany (1093-1152) Saladin (1138-93)

The First Crusade resulted in not only the Kingdom of Jerusalem (1099-1291), but the Crusader States, incl. the County of Tripoli (1104-1289), the Principality of Antioch (1098-1457), the County of Edessa (1098-1149), and the Armenian Kingdom of Cicilia (1078-1375), a rim of lands on the eastern Mediterranean that faced the vast Arab Sunni Abbasid Caliphate of Damascus (750-1258) to the E, the Seljuk Turkish Sunni Sultanate of Rum (successor to the Seljuk Empire) (1077-1307) (they called it Rum but meant Roman since they built it on conquered Byzantine land, and the Byzantines called themselves Romans) (1077-1307) to the N, and the Egyptian Shiite Fatimid Caliphate of Cairo (909-1171) to the S, which ensured that each time the ignorant Christians captured Jerusalem, the ignorant Muslims would regroup and take it back. Even though they still held Jerusalem, the Second Crusade in 1147-9 to recover the fallen Crusader state of Edessa was led by French king (1137-80) Louis VII "the Young" (1120-80) and German king (1138-52) Conrad III (1093-1152), and ended in a big V for the Muslim Seljuk Turks, first against Conrad III at the Oct. 25, 1147 Battle of Dorylaeum (annihilating 18K of 20K Germans), then against Louis VII and what was left of Conrad III's army at the July 1148 Siege of Damascus. One of the coolest leaders the madass Muslims produced was cool-black-clothes-wearing Saladin (Salah ad-Din Yusuf ibn Ayyub) (1138-93), a Kurdish Sunni Muslim warlord who dissolved the Shiite Fatimid Caliphate in 1171 and founded the Kurdish Sunni Ayyubid Dynasty in Egypt and N Africa, Hejaz and Yemen, Syria, and N Mesopotamia, with capital at Damascus, which lasted until 1341. Saladin had a rep even in Europe (e.g., in Boccaccio's Decameron ca. 1350) for chivalrous behavior despite being a Muslim, and recaptured Jerusalem on Sept. 20-Oct. 2, 1187 after the July 4, 1187 Battle of the Horns of Hattin near the Sea of Galilee 6 mi. from Tiberias, defeating 20K Christians with his 30K men after using desert tactics to trap them then make them fry and die of thirst, and killing 17K of them, but sparing their king Guy de Lusignan with the soundbyte "Real kings don't kill each other". I know, you're going to tell me that the Muslims are no worse than the Christians when you check back on their hostile history, but there is a big difference, namely, that Christ didn't order his followers to kill for him, but Muhammad did. Christ only said to go out and preach the Gospel to gentiles, it was the Church (pope etc.) that twisted it, which is why there was always an intellectual underground fighting it, which could win because they could go back to the words of their founder, while any enlightenment movement in Islam had to fight theirs. So why did the Crusaders do it at all? Maybe Mel Gibson can expose the secret Jewish conspiracy here when he gets sober. Small wonder that after nine Crusades the Saracens finally kicked the pesky Crusaders out permanently in 1291, their history books describing them as mere pimples on their ass, gimme more, gimme more, gimme more, after which they kept the Holy Land until the mighty U.S. and U.N. forced the state of Israel on them in 1948, and kept Jerusalem until the Israelis took it during the Six-Day War in 1967, starting the new global jihad which the West still doesn't want to admit exists. Not that retro orthodox Judaism isn't also a sick totalitarian cult, but at least they haven't taken to converting others to it by force, recently :)


Back in N Africa, in 1121 the Almohad Dynasty of Berber Muslim Unitarians set up shop in Morocco, conquering the Maghreb east as far as Libya, and also taking over Al-Andalus (Spain), moving their capital to Seville and lasting until 1269.

From about 1125-1350 thanks to Duke William IX the Troubadour of Aquitaine, Trouvere and Troubadour musicians of aristocratic birth began writing poems and performing music idealizing courtly love, Richard Lionheart becoming a famous one; starting in Occitania, France, they spread to Italy, Spain, England, and as far as Greece, becoming kaput with the Black Plague about 1350. As the centuries went by, the fairy tale concept of romantic love in a polygamous culture was morphed to a monogamous culture and developed to the infinite degree, causing the West to totally separate from the Muslim World of polygamy and chained poontang in harems, four women to each man at a time, with rotating privileges, who needs love, the real babes don't even start until we get to paradise, while the New Testament says that there is no sex in heaven, giving Western women the power to pussy-whip men and eventually free and elevate themselves to equality, starting with the requirement that male suitors get down on one knee and ask for their hand in marriage, she might say no, what if one woman asks another, not that prostitution wasn't forever flourishing, my private Ivanhoe. At first causing Westerners to be prudes racked with sex guilt, by the late 20th cent. the decline of belief in the Bible combined with the romantic tradition caused same-sex love and marriage to become rampant in the West, grossing the retro Muslim World out, no wonder al-Qaida found so many eager suicide attackers.

In 1180 Al-Mustadi died, and his son Al-Nasir (d. 1225) became the last powerful Abbasid caliph, reviving the caliphate in Baghdad in the wake of the decline of the Seljuks, and giving state support to the Futuwwa (Arab. "youth and chivalry") brotherhoods of craftsmen and urbanites who practiced an ideology of manly virtue and social justice, is importance about the joy of driving or the joy of surviving?

Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I Barbarossa (1122-90) King Richard I Lionheart of England (1157-99) Philip II Augustus of France (1165-1223) Duke Leopold V of Austria (1157-94) Austrian Flag King John I of England (1166-1216) Robin Hood

In 1189-92 after Saladin kicked the Crusaders out of Jerusalem, the Third (Kings') Crusade was led by German king (1152-90) and Holy Roman Emperor (1155-90) Frederick I Barbarossa ("red beard") (1122-90), who drowned while bathing in the Saleph River on June 10, 1190 while en route to Antioch, along with French king (1180-1223) Philip II Augustus (1165-1223) and English king (1189-99) Richard ("strong ruler") I Lionheart (1157-99), who never made it to Jerusalem because he got hung up in Egypt after first stinking himself up by executing 2.7K Muslim POWs in Acre to free himself for the Sept. 7, 1191 Battle of Arsuf, which he won after learning the lesson of the Horns of Hattin and bringing plenty of water horns and hats in, with a far different result, 7K Muslims vs. only 700 Christians killed, Richard I shouting the new hip battle cry "Sanctum Sepulchrum Adjuva!" (Help us, Holy Sepulchre!), after which having alienated some key nobles and watching them bug out, he decided to bypass Jerusalem and take Saladin's main supply base of Egypt, but gave up and struck a 3-year truce with Saladin before returning to Europe, only to be captured by his half-Byzantine half-Austrian enemy Duke Leopold V of Austria (1157-94), whom Lionheart had insulted by throwing his banner into the acres of mud of Acre, causing him to invent the red-and-white triband Austrian Flag using a white strip of cloth found under his bloody tunic after the battle, and develop a lifelong grudge, holding him for a kingsize 150K mark ransom before allowing him to return to Merry Ole England and pardon Robin Hood and his mean backstabbing younger brother Prince John, who in 1199 after Richard got killed in France by a mere boy with a crossbow and a frying pan shield who was getting even for his dead daddy and brothers became king John I (1166-1216), who was called Lackland because his daddy Henry II didn't give him any lands to rule, only a sum of German marks, which permanently warped his personality, not that he wasn't a lameass in bed, with the second nickname Softsword. Just kidding, a lameass in battle, which turned out to be a good thing, because he was such a hated ruler that his barons refused to fight for him, causing him to tax them to pay for foreign mercenaries, until the barons revolted against him and forced him in 1215 to sign the Magna Charta (Carta), a greata charta of their liberties, particularly no taxation without representation and the right to a jury trial, which set the West off on the course of secular democratic republican govt., starting with the idea that despite the divine right of kings b.s. a king isn't above the law and has to answer to Parliament before taking their property or money, and can't summarily order executions but has to let a jury decide, while the Muslim countries forever labored under the Quran and its theocratic Sharia govts. run by Muslim clerics who claim authority straight from Ass Clown Allah and are above the law, while its secular rulers rule by any means they can get away with it via the dog eat dog top dog rules the pack theory, AKA despotism. So for the last 800 years the West has systematically been improving its form of govt. while the Islamic countries have had their heads stuck in the 7th cent., which is why historyscopers like moi are necessary. By the way, after Lionheart executed his Muslim POWs, Saladin responded by executing all 1.6K of his Christian POWs, so much for using the Crusades as an arguing point for the equality of Islam with Christianity except as a limbo contest of how low some of the leaders on both sides could go.

In 1202-4 the Fourth Crusade was where the fit hit the shan as a thousand, make that 1500 years of Greek vs. Roman jealousy and rivalry caused the original plan of conquering Jerusalem via Egypt to turn into a plan by the Latins to conquer and take over Constantinople, forever hardening the schism between the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches. If you look hard enough you will see the ghosts of Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar dancing for joy, while Christ weeps and Muhammad chuckles.

Genghis Khan (1162-1227)

Did I mention Kublai Khan? Starting in 1206 the Muslims finally got what's coming to them, the horrible cow-herding horseback polytheist Mongols, known for eating "anything edible, even lice" (Giovanna de Piano Carpini) incl. rats, cats, dogs, and human blood, run by Genghis Khan (1162-1227), who came out of NE Asia with his hordes of nomadic tribes and ended up building the biggest empire in history, incl. China and most of Central Asia, and kicked the butt of the Persian Sunni Muslim Khwarezmian Dynasty (founded 1077) (successor to the Seljuks) in 1220, taking Bukhara and Samarkand, and finishing it off by 1231. It was the Chinese who invented and first used gunpowder in warfare in 1232, against the pagan Mongols, and they didn't need Allah to tell them the formula, rather, they used it on Muslims too, and the Muslims and Euros got it from them and took centuries to fully accept it, the phony Muslim Golden Age is shown up right here. The remnants of the Khwarezmian military went to Iraq and Egypt and served as mercenaries, conquering Jerusalem on July 11, 1244, then destroying the Christian relief force on Oct. 17-18, 1244 at the Battle of Harbiyah (La Forbie) NE of Gaza, the biggest battle in the Holy Land since 1187. Meanwhile on June 26, 1243 the Mongols defeat the Muslim Redrums (Sultanate of Rum) at the Battle of Kose Dagh (Kosedag) in NE Anatolia, reaching Ancyra (Ankara) and turning them into vassals while handing over a lot of their territory in C Anatolia to Crusader John III Vatatzes of Nicaea, after which the sultanate disintegrates and becomes kaput by 1307, giving the up-and-coming Ottomans their chance.

Mamluk Sultan al-Zahir Baybars (1223-277)

Speaking of parts west? On Mar. 1, 1260 after the Mongol forces of Hulagu Khan combine with the Franks under Bohemond VI of Antioch and the Cilician Armenians under Hetoum I and capture Aleppo, they hook up with Hulagu's Christian Turkish gen. Kitbuqa (-1260) and capture Damascus, celebrating Xmas Mass in the Grand Mosque of the Umayyads (formerly the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist), profaning numerous mosques and sacking Jerusalem; An-Nasir Yusuf is KIA by Hulagu, and the Ayyubid Dynasty (founded 1171) becomes kaput, continuing in name only, with the Muslim power center in Cairo not Baghdad or Damascus; meanwhile the death of Great Khan Mongke causes Hulagu to leave for Karakorum to help decide who will succeed him, and he leaves only 10K horsemen in Syria under Kitbuqa to occupy it, who raids as far S as Ascalon and Jerusalem, and stations a garrison of 1K in Gaza and another in Naplouse. On Sept. 3, 1260 after the Mamluks take advantage of the absence of Hulagu to move on them, the Mongols offer an alliance with the Franks, but Pope Alexander IV forbids it, and Count Julian Grenier of Sidon (-1275) (son of Balian I and Margaret of Brienne) causes the death of a grandson of Kitbuqa, causing him to sack Sidon, pissing-off the Christians so bad tht they allow them to pass through Crusader territory, 10K-20K Egyptian Mamluks defeat and wipe out 10K Mongols in the Battle of Ain (Ayn) Jalut (Arab. "Spring of Goliath") (Heb. "Spring of Herod) in the Palestinian desert in the Jezreel Valley near Ein Harod (near Nazareth), becoming the first Mongol D that isn't avenged, forever defining the SW limit of Mongol expansion as the Tigris River; Kitbuqa is executed; Syria suffers severely from the Mongol invasion, worsened by subsequent invasions in 1281 and 1299; the Egyptians use portable hand cannon (midfa) using gunpowder cartridges charged with 2-3-15 (sulfur-carbon-saltpeter) gunpowder; on the way back to Cairo Al-Zahir al-Malik Baybars (Baibars) (Arab. "panther") (1223-77) AKA Abu al-Futuh (Abu l-Futuhat) (Arab. "father of conquest") murders Sultan Qutuz, and becomes Bahriyya sultan #1 of the Mamluk Empire (until July 1, 1277); the Kipchak Turkish Mamluks (Mamelukes) (Arab. "possessed", "owned") seize control of the Egyptian sultanate, ruling Egypt until 1517, and continuing as vassals of the Ottoman Empire until 1811, becoming known for kicking the Franks out of Palestine, and kicking the last Crusader's butt out of Asia; the Bahriyya (Bahri) Sultanate of the Mamluk Empire (ends 1382) is founded, becoming the leading Muslim state, integrating and ruling the Syrian provinces in 1271-1516 while recruiting Mamluk soldier-slaves from the Caucasus, which causes ethnic tensions between Turks and Circassians (known for their beautiful babes); Cairo becomes the richest city W of the Indus River until 1300, with public works erected by exploited peasants; the usual form of succession is assassination; Christian participation in the 1258 Mongol invasion of Baghdad et al. cause the Muslims to begin a persecution, ushering in a "devastating reversal of Christian hopes... [and] the... decisive collapse of Christianity in the Middle East and much of Africa" (Colin Chapman); by the middle of this decade Western Christians wake up and begin accepting Mongol feelers about a Franco-Mongol Alliance against the greater threat of the Muslims, the Mongols promising them Jerusalem in return for cooperation; too bad, despite several pro-Christian Buddhist Mongol khans sending embassies, it never happens, perhaps because the Christians demand their conversion first, giving Islam time to slam-dunk and convert them.

Spain 1210 Spain 1212-1492 Battle of Las Navas de Tolosa, July 16, 1212 Marinid Emblem

Meanwhile on the West side, on July 16, 1212 after 500 years of fighting back inch by inch, step by step, resulting in the Christian kingdoms of Portugal (W Spain), Castile (C Spain), Navarre (E of Castile in the Pyrenees), and Aragon (E of Castile to the coast), the Battle of Las Navas de Tolosa was a giant V for the Christians of Aragon, Castile, Navarre, and Portugal over the Almohad Muslims in Spain, with 100K Muslim vs. 2K Christian casualties, causing 1M panicked Muslims to flee back to N Africa, after which they ran scared, losing Cordoba in 1236 and Seville in 1248, and by 1252 only the Nasrid Kingdom of Granada in the S (1238-1492) (the place where the pesky Jews of Elvira originally helped them invade) remained, along with some territory held by their rivals the Marinid Dynasty (1244-1465), who lost their last fortress in Spain in 1344, sharing N Africa with the Hafsid Dynasty, which ruled Ifriqya (Tunisia) from 1229 to 1574, becoming pirates of Christian shipping and using Allah's loot to build up their arts and culture for Ben Kingsley. Granada survived by becoming a tributary state of Castile in 1238, supplying it with troops while becoming a trade hub with the Muslim World.

St. Francis of Assisi (1181-1226) St. Francis of Assisi (1181-1226) and Sultan Al-Malik al-Kamil (1180-1238) St. Anthony of Padua (1195-1231)

Speaking of converting others sans force, in 1217-21 the Fifth Crusade saw Italian Roman Catholic preacher St. Francis of Assisi (1181-1226) (founder of the Franciscan Order) visit Egypt and boldly cross the lines in 1219, being taken to the court of Saladin's nephew Al-Malik al-Kamil (1180-1238), announcing his intention of converting him to Christ and making him give up Muhammad by reason (sure, it would be the first time, in which case he's a shoo-in for saint?); he talked religion for a week without getting beheaded (maybe because the sultan had just survived a coup attempt backed by Coptic Christians and didn't want to rile them up), failing to make a dent and coming out of it as the one who was changed, picking up the idea of five daily prayers and bringing it back as the three daily recitations of the Angelus, and going bigtime for the Muslim rosary, albeit Irish Christians began using it around 800 C.E. In 1220 St. Francis heard about the Five Martyrs of Morocco, friars he had sent to convert the Moroccans into giving up devil man Muhammad for god man Christ, who didn't fare so well, ending up tortured and executed, their example launching the career of Portuguese-born St. Anthony of Padua (1195-1231), who became such an exemplary Franciscan preacher that he was canonized in 1232 less than one year after his death, a fast-tracking record that still stands. By the way, the Fifth Crusade was another bust for the Christians. Obviously, by now the Christian monarchs were de facto pagans again, using Christianity as the opiate of the people while becoming just as mean and vicious in war as the Muslims, but the Christian preachers had the moral high ground with the example of Christ, allowing the West to buy time until Science could take over and become the new religion, developing a moral-legal-social code that didn't require books authored by gods, although they probably didn't know it yet.

HRE Frederick II (1194-1250)

In 1228-9 the Sixth Crusade, led by learned polyglot Stupor Mundi ("Wonder of the World") German Holy Roman Emperor (1220-50) Frederick II Hohenstaufen (1194-1250) (whose learning, especially his fluency in Arabic that made him the first Arabic-speaking Crusader caused him to be suspected of being the Antichrist, and for a century after his death to be the subject of rumors that he and/or Frederick I Barbarossa were still alive, living in a cave in Mt. Kyffhäuser in Thuringia awaiting the summons of the German people to return and restore peace in the empire, which was later used by Adolf Hitler to effect in Operation Barbarossa) got Jerusalem back with a truce that expired in 1239, after which the Khwarezmian Turks sieged and captured it again in 1244, as already covered.

Ferdinand III of Castile (1199-1252)

In 1248 after a 16-mo. siege King (1217-52) (St.) Ferdinand III of Castile (1199-1252) captured Seville from the Moors, leaving only Granada left in their hands, where the Nasrid Dynasty ruled; the Moors used cannon, becoming the first use of gunpowder in Europe?

St. Louis IX of France (1214-70)

In 1248-54 the Seventh Crusade was led by French king (1226-70) St. Louis IX (1214-70), who had his Christian butt kicked by the Egyptian Ayyubids under sultan Al-Muazzam Turan Shah, after which he was captured and ransomed for 500K pounds tournois (50K gold bezants), the entire annual revenue of France, thanks for the jiyza dhimmis. In 1270 Louis IX tried it again with the Eighth Crusade, dying of a "flux in the stomach" from infected drinking water in Damietta, Egypt, his last word being "Jerusalem".

Shagrat al-Durr of Egypt (-1257)

Walk like an Egyptian, way-oh-way-oh? Early in 1249 William II of Achaea captured the fortress of Monemvasia (Malvasia) in the Peloponnesus with the help of his Euboean vassals, then hooks up his 400 knights and 28 ships with Louis IX of France and his poorly organized Seventh Crusaders in Cyprus; in early June they landed in Egypt, captured Damietta on June 4-6 (without a blow?), then waited for the Nile to subside before heading for Cairo; on Nov. 23 Sultan (since 1240) Al-Salih Ayub, last Ayyubid ruler of Egypt died in battle in Mansourah fighting the Crusaders, and his widow (a former Turkish Mamluk slave) Shajar (Shagrat) al-Durr (-1257) ("Tree of Pearls") concealed his death to rule in his name, becoming the first female ruler of Egypt since Cleopatra next May 2 (until Apr. 28, 1257); to save face, the Muslim leaders of Cairo made her marry former slave Aybak (-1257) and pretend that he's the ruler; the Kipchak Turkic Mamluks (Mamelukes) (Arab. "possessed", "owned") (white slave Turks and Mongols who earned the right to own weapons and are used as guards by the kaput Ayyubid sultans) go on to rule Egypt until 1517.

Alfonso X the Wise of Castile (1221-84)

The Crusades weren't all bad. In 1252 St. Ferdinand III (b. 1199) died, and his erudite son Alfonso X (the Wise) (El Sabio) (1221-84) became king of Castile (until 1284), taking a clue about cautious multiculturalism from late great Frederick II of Germany and beginning a cultural awakening in intolerant backward Europe known as the Castilian Thirteenth (13th) Cent. Renaissance, creating the Spanish Nat. Library in Madrid, one of Europe's first state libraries, along with the Alfonsine School of Translators in Toledo, manned by Christians, Jews, and Muslims, incl. Hermannus Alemannus (Herman the German), who trans. a large mass of Arabic works mss. on astronomy, astrology, and history, selected by the king into Latin and Spanish, bringing the most important Greek, Indian, Persian, and Syrian works to the scholarly Euro community, and causing Toledo to become a European intellectual hub which fuels the Renaissance; Alfonso X the Wise supervised the ambitious Spanish pub. known as the General Estoria, which incl. the Alfonsine Astronomical Tables and the Alfonsine Bible (Biblia Alfonsina) as a vehicle for polishing and enriching the Spanish language, causing it to be established as a serious language and intellectual vehicle, rocketing it ahead of Italian, German, and English and making them play catch-up, causing Latin to turn a whiter shade of pale?

Stefan Nemanja of Serbia (1109-99) Stefan II Nemanjic of Sebia (-1228) St. Sava (1175-1235) Bela IV of Hungary (1206-70)

Backing up, the wild mountain-dwelling Slavic Serbs accepted Christianity during the reign of Mutimir Vlastimirovic (-892), in 850-92, and were semi-united by grand zupan Cheslav Klonomirovich (927-960). The Serbs leaned towards Eastern Orthodox Catholicism, while the nearby Slavic Croats leaned toward Roman Catholicism, splitting ancient Bosnia (Roman province of Illyria or Albania), with the W side for the Croats and E side for the Serbs. In the 1100s the Hungarians tried unsuccessfully to take both Serbia and Bosnia, and ended up recognizing Byzantine suzerainty in 1156. Meanwhile Stefan Nemanja (1109-99) united Serbia, founding the Orthodox Christian Nemanjic Dynasty and breaking off from the Byzantines before abdicating in 1196 in favor of his 2nd son Stefan II Nemanjic (-1228) so he could retire to a monastery along with his other son St. Sava (1175-1235), who founded the Serbian Orthodox Church, his shrine in Belgrade becoming the largest Eastern Orthodox church on Earth after he was buried in Trnovo, Bulgaria, moved to Mileseva in S Serbia in 1237, then unearthed and publicly incinerated in Belgrade by the mean Turks in 1595, causing the shrine to be built on the spot. When Stefan Nemanja came along, he began persecuting the heretic gnostic Bogomils ("dear to God"), who fled into Bosnia, founding the heretical Bosnian Church. In 1180 Bosnia gained independence from the Hungarians under Ban Kulin (1163-1204), with Byzantine backing, launching the Bosnian Golden Age. His Roman Catholic son Stephen Kulinic (-1232) persecuted the Bogomils, making him unpopular with the pop. Too bad, in 1239 the Mongols invaded and wasted Serbia, Bosnia and Bulgaria before retreating to Russia with their booty, allowing Hungarian king (1235-70) Bela IV (1206-70) in 1254 to reestablish suzerainty over Bosnia, N Serbia, and the principality of Hum (Zahumlje), which later became known as Herzegovina.

Hulagu (Hulegu) Khan (1217-65) Mamluk Shagarat ad-Durr (-1259)

On Feb. 13, 1258 after stupid last Abbasid caliph Al-Mustasim (a damn fine calligrapher) fails to raise an army to defend it (thinking that women throwing stones can fight them off?), and accepts an offer of surrender with clemency from Hulagu Khan after a 1-mo. siege, Baghdad, the Paris of the Orient was captured by Genghis Khan's Mongols led by his grandson Hulagu (Hulegu) Khan (1217-65), just because bones are inside you doesn't mean they're protected. of course he reneges, and 800K-1M were slaughtered over 40 days, the Tigris River running black with the ink from hundreds of thousands of ruined books, oh I already said that; on Feb. 20 after being forced to reveal the hiding place of his royal treasure, Al-Mustasim was rolled in a rug and trampled with horses so that no Mongol could be accused of shedding royal blood (either that, or he was imprisoned with his royal treasure and starved to death to mock him for not spending it on defense, with the khan telling him "Eat of your treasure as much as you want, you are so fond of it"), becoming the last Abbasid caliph of Baghdad, and the Abbasid Dynasty founded in 750 came to an end along with Islam's Golden Age, causing the center of Islamic power to shift to the Mamluks in Cairo. The destruction of the irrigation system turned the paradise alley into a barren arid plain, after which the village of Tehran (Pers. "warm place") (modern pop. 8M) in Persia was settled by refugees from the Mongol invasion. Hulagu Khan went on to take Iraq, followed by Anatolia. The Mamluk wing of the Abbasids survived and ruled Egypt until 1517, when the Ottomans (who got their start taking peoples fleeing from the Mongols and regrouping them under their banner to fight other Turks) took them over, along with everything else in Muslimland, but let them continue on as Ottoman footstool vassals, from have to to want to.

St. Thomas Aquinas (1225-74)

In 1258-64 Christian brain man (St.) Thomas Aquinas (1225-74) wrote Summa Contra Gentiles at the urging of Dominican gen. Raymond of Penafort, an attempt to reason Muslims out of their infidelity between 5x-daily prayers and holy murders, admitting that Christianity cannot be proved by reason but requires faith in the Hebrew and Greek Christian scriptures, but pointing out that it conquered Rome and Europe mainly by persuasion incl. belief in Jesus' miracles, while Islam did it by violence and the preaching of pleasure, with the soundbyte that Muhammad "seduced the people by promises of carnal pleasure to which the concupiscence of the flesh goads us. His teaching also contained precepts that were in conformity with his promises, and he gave free rein to carnal pleasure", adding: "In all this, as is not unexpected, he was obeyed by carnal men... As for proofs of the truth of his doctrine, he brought forward only such as could be grasped by the natural ability of anyone with a very modest wisdom. Indeed, the truths that he taught he mingled with many fables and with doctrines of the greatest falsity"; be of the intellectual weakness of Islam’s contentions, Aquinas argued, "No wise men, men trained in things divine and human, believed in him from the beginning", and his followers "were brutal men and desert wanderers, utterly ignorant of all divine teaching, through whose numbers Muhammad forced others to become his followers by the violence of his arms."; "Mohammad said that he was sent in the power of his arms, which are signs not lacking even to robbers and tyrants"; he concludes that Muhammad's Islam is merely another Christian heresy, which "perverts almost all the testimonies of the Old and New Testaments by making them into fabrications of his own, as can be seen by anyone who examines his law", and it was "a shrewd decision on his part to forbid his followers to read the Old and New Testaments, lest these books convict him of falsity"; “It is thus clear that those who place any faith in his words believe foolishly."

Kublai Khan (1215-94) Olivia Newton-John (1948-) in 'Xanadu', 1980 Rashid al-Din Hamadani (1247-1318)

In 1260 Kublai (Khubilai) Khan (1215-94) became Mongol Great Khan #5, founding the Yuan Dynasty in China, which eventually reached from the Urals to the Pacific, and from Siberia to Afghanistan, 20% of the world's inhabited landmass. In 1256 he built the fabled city of Xanadu (Shangdu), which he filled with gorgeous babes like Olivia Newton-John on skates. It was unearthed in 2009, and Olivia wasn't invited to attend?

Mamluk Sultan al-Zahir Baybars (-1277)

On Sept. 3, 1260 after the Mongols offered an alliance to the Franks but Pope Alexander IV forbade it, and Count Julian Grenier of Sidon (-1275) (son of Balian I and Margaret of Brienne) caused the death of a grandson of Kitbuqa, causing him to sack Sidon, pissing the Christians off so bad they allowed them to pass through Crusader territory, 10K-20K Egyptian Mamluks defeat the Mongols in the watershed Battle of Ain (Ayn) Jalut (Arab. "Spring of Goliath") (Heb. "Spring of Herod) in the Palestinian desert in the Jezreel Valley near Ein Harod, becoming the first Mongol D that isn't avenged, forever defining the SW limit of Mongol expansion; Syria suffers severely from the Mongol invasion, worsened by subsequent invasions in 1281 and 1299. The Egyptians use portable hand cannon (midfa) using gunpowder cartridges charged with 2-3-15 (sulfur-carbon-saltpeter) gunpowder; on the way back to Cairo, its Mamluk ruler Al-Zahir al-Malik Baybars (Baibars) (-1277) ("panther") murdered Sultan Qutuz, and becomes Bahriyya sultan #1 of the Mamluk Empire (until 1277); the Kipchak Turkish Mamluks (Mamelukes) (Arab. "possessed", "owned") seize control of the Egyptian sultanate, ruling Egypt until 1517, and continuing as vassals of the Ottoman Empire until 1811, becoming known for kicking the Franks out of Palestine, and kicking the last Crusader's butt out of Asia; the Bahriyya Sultanate of the Mamluk Empire (ends 1382) ss founded, becoming the leading Muslim state, integrating and ruling the Syrian provinces in 1271-1516 while recruiting Mamluk soldier-slaves from the Caucasus, which causes ethnic tensions between Turks and Circassians (known for their beautiful babes); Cairo becomes the richest city W of the Indus River until 1300, with public works erected by exploited peasants; the usual form of succession is assassination; by the middle of this decade the Christians wake up and begin accepting Mongol feelers about a Franco-Mongol Alliance against the greater threat of the Muslims, the Mongols promising them Jerusalem in return for cooperation; too bad, despite several pro-Christian Buddhist Mongol khans sending embassies, it never happens, perhaps because the Christians demand their conversion first, giving Islam time to slam-dunk and convert them. According to Englsh historian Sir Steven Runciman (1903-2000) in his hit book "A History of the Crusades" (3 vols.) (1951-4): "Had the Mongol alliance been achieved and honestly implemented by the West, the existence of Outremer would almost certainly have been prolonged; the Mameluks would have been crippled if not destroyed; and the Ilkhanate of Persia would have survived as a power friendly to the Christians and the West."

In 1267 exiled Spanish Kabbalist Rabbi Nachmanides (Nahmanides) (1194-1270) (Rabbi Moses ben Nachman) (Ramban) makes aliyah to Jerusalem and reports that after persecution by the Khwarezmian Tatars there are only two Jewish families left living there, with the soundbyte: "Many are its forsaken places, and great is the desecration. The more sacred the place, the greater the devastation it has suffered. Jerusalem is the most desolate place of all. ... There are ten men who meet on the Sabbaths they hold services at their home. ... Even in its destruction, it is an exceedingly good land"; he immediately founds the Ramban Synagogue in a deserted house in the Jewish Quarter on Mount Zion, which becomes a center of Jewish life, attracting immigrants; ' he goes on to declare it to be obligatory for Jews to make aliyah to Jerusalem, and that peaceful coexistence with Christians and Muslims has its limits, with the soundbyte: "For we were enjoined to destroy those nations if they make war upon us. But if they wish to make peace, we shall make peace with them and let them stay upon certain conditions. But we shall not leve the land in their hands or those of any other nation at any time whatsoever."

Edward I Longshanks of England (1239-1307) Eleanor of Aquitaine (1122-1204) Eleanor of Aquitaine (1122-1204) Eleanor of Aquitaine (1122-1204)

On Apr. 8, 1271 the fabled impregnable Crusader stronghold of Krak des Chevaliers (Crag of the Horsemen) in Syria 25 mi. W of Homs was captured by the Mamluks by the trick of sending them a carrier pigeon with a forged letter from their cmdr. in Tripoli telling them to surrender, causing the Christians to repond with the Ninth Crusade (last) in 1271-2, led by English king (1272-1307) Edward I Longshanks (1239-1307), and was a complete fizzle, after which the Christians pretty much conceded the Holy Land to the infidels, leaving Longshanks free to settle an old Norman score and crush the pesky independent Welsh and Scots, erin go bragh, settling another old score by expelling the Jews from England in 1290, which lasted until Oliver Cromwell in 1655. At least the threat of horrible Sharia in the heart of Europe was gone, so that women didn't have to suffer like in Muslim lands, and although there was still a retro male supremacist attitude reigning, there was no clit slicing, polygamy, veiling and other total supremacy practices in Christendom, and while life under monogamy with no birth control made most women into breed mares and eternal mothers and grandmothers, those who had wealth and power could sometimes break out of the pack, such as Eleanor of Aquitaine (1122-1204), who went with her first hubby Louis VII of France on the Second Crusade, initiated a divorce on her own to marry studlier English king Henry II, gave him eight sons, then fell out with him and helped son Prince Henry revolt against him, becoming the first Euro woman to lead troops into battle, losing and ending up locked in a castle from 1173-89 until the old fart died and her son Richard I Lionheart released her, then went on to outlive all her children except King John, becoming a model for women's liberation. Speaking of crack of chevaliers, Eleanor was a great patron of chivalric love literature, which promotes the concept of romantic, true, unattainable love, and features knights performing heroic deeds for usually already-married women, which made sense because marriages were usually arranged, and sans birth control any sexual hanky panky would end in childbirth, disgrace, murder, etc., so both parties were better off masturbating or doing it with others while fantasizing.

Meanwhile yet another Muslim split happened with Persian-born Sufi mytic Hajji Bektash Wali (1209-71), who founded the mystic humanist combo Sunni-Shiite-Christian Bektashi sect in Turkey that teaches Alevism, worshiping in assembly houses (tekes) instead of mosques, no ass-crack sniffing needed, they have chairs, and actually does teach love, respect and tolerance and equality of women, plus monogamy. Can it be true? At long last, Islam has been tamed, in of all places Turkey, don't make a sound? Too bad, it was adopted by the Janissaries, who were happy to pretend to be part-Christian while murdering Christians for the sultan, and in 1826 Sultan Mahmud II banned them along with the Bektashi sect, after which in 1925 Kemal Ataturk banned all Sufis, causing them to move to Tirana, Albania, from whence they spread to Greece, Macedonia and Bulgaria. At least they haven't turned to terrorism, yet.

In 1274 and again in 1281 Kublai Khan's invasion fleet (largest in history until D-Day in 1944) was destroyed as it attacked Japan by a typhoon, which they call Kamikaze ("divine wind"), thank my lucky clit. Did I say that the Muslims got what's coming to them with the mean Mongols? Wrong, they turned out to be meaner and longer-lasting, switching back to Da'wah when the nasty Mongols who ended their military threat failed to exterminate them or convert them out of Islam, never underestimate the power of the Dark Side of the Force. "The religion of the Muslims had conquered where their arms had failed" (Philip Khuri Hitti).

Speaking of persecution of Jews, the Christians didn't invent the involuntary Jewish Ghetto, the Muslims in Morocco did, in 1280. It took the Christians a whole century to copy them, after which in 1516 the Jews of Venice were forced into a ghetto near an iron foundry, causing the term to stick, ghetto being Venetian for iron foundry.

In 1287 Egyptian Mamluk sultan Al-Mansur Qalawun captured the port city of Latakia in Syria; meanwhile Mongol ilkhan Arghun sent Beijing, China-born Nestorian monk-traveler-diplomat Rabban Bar Sauma (Sawma) (Cauma) ("son of fasting") (1220-94) (of Turkic Uyghur origin) from Baghdad to the leaders of Europe with a large retinue and 30 riding animals to negotiate an alliance against the Mamluk sultanate, witnessing the naval Battle of Sorrento Bay, then visiting Rome and receiving communion from new pope Nicholas IV on Palm Sun. 1288 before returning to Baghdad in 1288 without success, then writing his memoirs, which give an alternative view of Kublai Khan compared to Marco Polo, along with a Chinese view of Europe, causing him to become known as "the Reverse Marco Polo".

Arghun Khan of Persia (1258-91)

Enter the Mel Dimension. On Mar. 5, 1291 after Arghun Khan (1258-91), the Persian khan who began proposing an alliance with the Franks against the Egyptians Mamluks back in 1285 and also protected the Jews (who had figured in the Mongol admin. of Persia from the start, making the growing Muslim element jealous) grew ill, his Jewish grand vizier Sa'ad al-Dawla (1240-91) (Arab. "Felicity of the Empire") was murdered along with his Jewish associates, and Jews were purged from the Mongol admin., after which Arghun Khan died and the endgame of a Christian-Mongol alliance or a Mongol conversion to Islam began, with closet Jews posing as Muslims, Christians or Buddhists playing both sides. Maybe the Jews were using the Mongols and Christians to get Jerusalem back, then gave up and decided that Islamic Mongols could do it best, ask King Mel. For funners, it was Arghun Khan who got Marco Polo freed from Kublai Khan with a request that he accompany his new bride to Persia, allowing him to return to Venice after 23 years. It didn't help that Europe was in the throes of anti-Semitism, or that prophecies of the Castilian rabbis pointed to the Year 1295 (5055 in the Jewish calendar) as the year of the Jewish Messiah's arrival, ask Mel about this chapter of his upcoming Jews Caused All the Wars NYT bestseller when he gets out of the drunk tank.

Mahmud Ghazan of Persia (1271-1304)

In 1295 Ghazan (1271-1304), Mongol khan #7 of Persia converted to Sunni Islam even after being raised a Christian and taught Buddhism by a Chinese monk, taking the Mongols with him, over 25 flavors of Islam's Pope Tartars, made for fun. He claimed to convert to Islam because it's the "stronger" religion, making it the official religion and telling people to call him Mahmud, and with his grand vizier (1298-1318) (a Jewish physician who wisely converted to Islam, and wrote a giant Islamic history while also allegedly inventing fingerprinting) Rashid al-Din Hamadani (1247-1318) he tried to reform the govt., stop overtaxation, restore agricultural land and integrate the Mongols into the Islamic mindset, starting by teaching the violent side of destroying Buddhist temples and going back to tried and true restrictions on the rights of pesky Christians and Jews, it's good to know that the God Who Hates is alive and well in the inscrutable East.

Marco Polo (1254-1324)

Speaking of inscrutable. In 1295 Italian (Venetian) merchant Marco Polo (1254-1324) returned from his great trip to the East, wowing Europe with his Description of the World (The Travels of Marco Polo), AKA Il Milione (The Million Lies) by his critics, describing heating coal ("black stones"), oil lamps, asbestos, Chinese scholars wearing eyeglasses, crocodiles, yaks ("grunting oxen"), coconuts, how the Chinese emperor Kublai Khan's harem was filled with 100 new concubines every two years by special emissaries, the Pacific Ocean, his route across the Asian continent, and all the cool wonders and sights, the interior workings of unsaved China, everything except the Great Wall of China. Too bad, it took two centuries for his claims to be believed by members of the Holy Mother Church and its infallible Pope with a pipeline to Christ and God, I never had an STD, I never lie, don't smoke, and always take my meds. He made several observations on Saracens he met, incl. Achmath (Ahmed), a Muslim with great influence over Kublai Khan, you won't like me when I'm angry, with the soundbyte: "Attention [went] to the doctrines of the sect of the Saracens, which excuse every crime, yea, even murder itself, when committed on such as are not of their religion. And seeing that this doctrine had led the accursed Achmath and his sons to act as they did without any sense of guilt, the Khan was led to entertain the greatest disgust and abomination for it. So he summoned the Saracens and prohibited their doing many things which their religion enjoined."

Ibn Taymiyyah (1263-1328)

In 1300 the Mongols invaded Syria incl. Damascus, causing Harran-born Islamic scholar Ibn Taymiyyah (1263-1328) who preached a puritan bare-bones form of Islam for Salafis (Arab. "Salaf us Saleh" = righteous predecessors) that eschews foreign innovations (Arab. "bid'a") (incl. Greek philosophy, Aristotelian logic, and speculative thinking) and disses the pluralism and multiculturalism of the Sufis to issue a fatwa declaring that jihad upon the Mongols is obligatory even though they converted to Islam because they rule under the manmade Yassa Code of Genghis Khan rather than Sharia; it took cents. for his teachings to give birth to Wahhabism. On May 11, 1304 Persian Mongol khan (since 1295) Mahmud Ghazan (b. 1271) died, and his brother (son of Arghun) (great-grandson of Hulagu) (baptized as a Christian but converted to Sunni Islam with his brother Ghazan) Oljeitu (Oljaitu) (Uljeitu) ("blessed") (1280-1316) (AKA Muhammad Khodabandeh or Muhammad the Man of God) became Mongol Ilkhanid khan #8 (until Dec. 16, 1316), going on to convert from Sunni to Shiite Islam in 1310 while continuing the policy of making a Franco-Mongol alliance against the Egyptian Mamluks despite their being Muslim, sending embassies in 1305, 1307, and 1313, none of which were accepted, after which the 1322 Treaty of Aleppo caused the Mongols to kiss and make up with the Mamluks, and the Christians were out of luck.

Holy Land and Egypt Pope Innocent III (1160-1216) Pope Clement V (1264-1314) Pope Gregory IX (-1241) The Inquisition

We're up to the year 1300, after almost 700 years of hairy Islam bringing the world its kind of peace. Time out for a recrap, er, recap. The sudden explosion of this obviously Satanic cult from a godforsaken neck of the woods in 6 divided by 3 equals 2 caused the Christians to believe that Satan was finally sending his son the Antichrist to destroy them by the Big Year 666, the chances of this virus showing up are virtually nil, yikes, it's airborne. At first the Muslims made a big dent in Christendom, pioneering the techniques of Shock for Allah, taking the Holy Land, Egypt, and North Africa, followed by Spain starting in 711, contracting the Byzantines around Constantinople, but luckily their hate cult sprang a leak and began schisming and chewing itself up, and never finished the job, helped by invasions of Mongols and plagues, allowing the dazed Christians to regroup and retrench, what is this, happy hour. It took a long time, but a pope did finally make it official, Pope (1198-1216) Innocent III (1160-1216) in 1213 calling King John, er, Prophet Muhammad the "Beast of the Apocalypse", no way, way, and by the early 1300s Pope (1305-14) Clement V (1264-1314) showed that the Christians (who no longer wasted their time trying to take Jerusalem) were swinging to the offensive in Spain, declaring the presence of Muslims on Christian soil an insult to God, giving the Christian kingdoms of Spain a blank check to finish kicking the last Muslim butts back to Africa. Too bad, the Muslim mindset of executing apostates automatically with no church-state distinctions to worry about had infected the Catholic Church so deeply after 600 years that it set up the horrible Holy Catholic Inquisition in 1231 during the reign of Pope (1227-41) Gregory IX (-1241), which used gruesome tortures to make the suspected heretics confess, proving their guilt so they could be handed over to the secular authorities for burning at the stake, call it the separation of church and state for legal paperwork purposes only. Speaking of Mark of the Beast on their foreheads, true putrid green Muslims get a Zabiba (Zebiba) or prayer bump from hitting their foreheads too hard on the ground, call it a fortuitous coincidence for apocalyptic Christians looking for signs of the End Times, but Quran 48:29 says: "Muhammad is the messenger of Allah, and those who are with him are severe against the infidels but compassionate among themselves. You will see them bowing and prostrating, seeking Allah's grace and pleasure. Their mark is on their faces (foreheads) from the effect of prostrations." Or as Imam 'Ali bin Abi Talib put it "Verily I abhor a person whose forehead is clean and there is no mark of prostrations on it."

Visconti Arms

In 1277 the Visconti Dynasty came to power in Milan, Italy (until 1447), incl. Pope Gregory X (1271-6); their symbol was a Biscione, a great serpent swallowing a Saracen, I wish we still had tools like that in our kit.

Ferdinand IV of Castile (1295-1312) Osmond Brothers Osman I the Black El-Gazi (1258-1324) Ottoman Empire Map

In 1309 with help from Alonzo Perez de Guzman "El Bueno" of Aragon (1256-1309) (founder of the Medina Sidonia family) (a turncoat Muslim from Morocco, whose family covered their Muslim past up?), who defends Tarifa from Muslim attacks, Castilian king (1295-1312) Ferdinand IV of Castile (1285-1312) finally captured penetration point Gibraltar from the Moors, which they had held since the big invasion of 711. Not that the Moors were pushovers, as the worldwide jihad was still on, and they sieged it in 1316 then took it back in June 1333 until losing it to Castile permanently on Aug. 20, 1462 on the 8th siege by one side or the other since 1309, I'm not gonna hurt ya, I'm just gonna bash your brains in, heeeere's Johnny. Too bad, losing the west side of Europe militarily didn't stop the badass Muslim worldwide jihad, but only made them concentrate harder on the east side, which was anchored down by the super fortress city (three concentric rings of walls) of Constantinople, which, as you remember, was founded way back in 330 C.E. as the original capital of Christian Rome and held by Christians ever since, but schismed religiously with the Roman Catholic Christian Church in Crab Nebula Year 1054, causing them to excommunicate each other and no longer er, talk, which later helped them lose the Crusades. Meanwhile the Sunni Ottoman Empire, founded on the ruins of the Sultanate of Rum by Seljuk Turk Osman I the Black El-Gazi (1258-1324) (black meaning he attained the highest degree of manly beauty, and Osman meaning bone-breaker not the Osmond Brothers) began taking over the Muslim World in 1299, lasting until 1929, er, July 24, 1923, while systematically eating away at the Byzantine Empire, turning what they used to call Asia (now Asia Minor) into Turkey. On Dec. 22-23, 1299 the Third Battle of Homs (Wadi al-Khazandar) was a V by the Mongols over the Mamluks, whose banner had a star and crescent Moon, long before 1453. Ottoman clan leaders liked to call themselves "ghazis", meaning warriors for Islam, sounds so peaceful, that's what their founder Muhammad was, staging a series of ghazvas or razzias (raids) to terrorize infidels and convince them their civilization was doomed and that they might as well submit now as later, building rabats or attack mosques (like the Ground Zero Mosque) where the Muslim raiders could hunker down and pray and spread outward from like a fort, you see Islam isn't a culture it just absorbs all cultures into it, and Turks were absorbed real good. Did I mention that Muslim men like to bring coffined (veiled) women into the forts to use aggressively as advertisements that Sharia has arrived, being one of Islam's secret veapons, which is why the burqa must be banned in the West now or we've as good as turned our countries into forests of rabats? As they captured Christian towns and turned the population into slaves, the Ottoman Devshirme system would take the boys away and bring them up as fanatical Muslim soldiers called Janissaries ("Yeni-ceri" in Turkish means New Army), who were starved for sex and only allowed to have it after capturing a Christian town, after which they got a 3-day pass for rape and pillage, hi, I'm Joseph you're Mary, no virgin birth this time. Since Ottoman sultans went on jihad virtually for half of their careers, and had to guard the empire the rest of the time, they decided to skip the Hajj.

On Nov. 11, 1391 a group of four pissed-off Franciscans demand an audience with the qadi at the al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem, and tell him that Muhammad was "a libertine, a murderer, a glutton, a despoiler who thought that the purpose of human life was eating, whoring, and wearing expensive clothes", refusing conversion to Islam before being executed and joyfully becoming martyrs for Christ, enduring beating and torture before being hacked into pieces by a mad mob and and burned.

Stephen II Kotromanic of Bosnia (-1353) Stephen Tvrtko I of Bosnia (1338-91)

Are you learning stuff that you thought you knew but didn't? In 1322 Stepan (Stephen) II Kotromanic (-1353) became Hungarian ban of Bosnia, working with his brother Vladislav to make Bosnia independent again, defeating the Serbs in 1326 and ruling from the Adriatic Sea to the Sava River, and from Cetina to Drina, becoming known as "the Devil's Student" as he played off the Roman Catholics, Orthodox Catholics, and Bogumils. In 1353 his son Stephen Tvrtko I (1338-91) became the first independent king of Bosnia, wearing a crown with a golden lily. In 1395 Jelena Gruba become the first and only female ruler of Bosnia.

Mansa Musa I of Mali (1280-1337)

In 1324 Sunni Muslim Mali king (mansa) #10 (1312-37)Musa Keita I (1280-1337) begins a pilgrimage to Mecca (ends 1326); his imperial household consists of 60K men incl. 12K slaves who each carry 4 lbs. of gold bars, and heralds dressed in silks bearing gold staffs, along with 80 camels carrying 50-300 lb. of gold dust each; in July he visits Egyptian maluk sultan AlNasir Muhammad; his total wealth is $400B, making him the richest human in history; his caravan is so opulently equipped with gold that it wows the world and causes the market for gold to plummet for a decade despite his attempt to borrow it back at high interest; he builds a mosque every Fri.; on his return journey he makes the rich city of Timbuktu (Tombouctou) ("Africa's city of gold") on the Niger River (pop. 100K) ("where camel meets canoe") part of his empire, hiring architects from Andalusia to build a grand palace along with the Djinguereber Mosque (1327).

Roger Bacon (1214-94) Dante Alighieri (1265-1321) Petrarch (1304-74) Desiderius Erasmus (1466-1536) Francois Rabelais (1494-1553) Niccolň Machiavelli (1469-1527)

Speaking of black, in 1347-50 the Black Death (bubonic plague) hit Europe, killing a third or half of all the people and animals, after which the intellectuals finally realized that the Church didn't have a pipeline to God like it had been pretending, and thus couldn't cut off your path to heaven via excommunication, at least it's worth risking it to make the world a better place, causing them to actually start approaching the infidel Muslims to get some of them ancient manuscripts to look at, sparking the European Renaissance (1350-1650) along with Renaissance Humanism. At first they had to translate back from Arabic to Latin, causing many inaccuracies, but after Roger Bacon (1214-94) of England (a Franciscan friar) showed them the way of checking all their facts via experimentation based on his studies of Plato, plus leaked intel from Muslim scientists, and the Old Skool Scholastics who clung to Aristotelian Physics, which claimed that a light ball falls slower than a heavy one (just don't check it from the Leaning Tower of Pisa or anything, take my word for it) were overthrown, Western Science began to take off, and passed the decrepit Muslim World up like it was standing still starting in the 1400s. Meanwhile honorable mention should be given to Italian poet Dante Alighieri (1265-1321), who wrote the poem The Divine Comedy, which consigned Muhammad to the 9th Ditch of the 8th Circle of Hell for those who have caused religious schism, among the Sowers of Religious Discord; not that he might not have lifted the idea for his poem from Muhammad's Isra and Miraj. Back then, European intellectuals were often polymaths and universal thinkers who also made breakthroughs in the arts, literature, philosophy, economics and politics, resulting in the West developing all the wonderful concepts of free will, individual rights, and controls on government tyranny, such as Petrarch (Francesco Petrarca) (1304-74), ("Father of Humanism") (coiner of the term "Dark Ages"), Desiderius Erasmus (1466-1536), ("Prince of the Humanists"), Francois Rabelais (1494-1553), and Niccolo (Niccolň) Machiavelli (1469-1527) (call him the Devil's Advocate), and culminating in the super-duper every-country-should-have-it U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights of 1787, whose principles are totally at variance with Islam and its union of church and state under mental slavery. "No one can be a true Muslim and a true American simultaneously. Islam is both a religion and a state, and to be a true Muslim you must believe in Islam as both religion and state. A true Muslim does not acknowledge the U.S. Constitution, and his willingness to live under that constitution is, as far as he is concerned, nothing more than an unavoidable step on the way to the constitution's replacement by Islamic Sharia law." - Wafa Sultan

Two Scorpions in a Bottle

But I'm getting off the subject. No I'm not. The future of Planet Earth is either a government based on its principles, or on Muslim's horrible Sharia, it's like two scorpions in a bottle, only one can remain, and since I'm an atheist, er, optimist, I know that there has to be an end to Islam in the world's future somewhere, and that great day will become a worldwide celebration, and I hope to live to see it though I don't really think I will, because the bad side of human nature is here to stay for some time until it drinks its fill, which it never will. Still, I can hope. In case you slept through that, let me lay it out for you in black and white. It's about peace. Islam can only accept one kind of peace, where Sharia rules. The West can't accept that kind of peace, it has another kind of peace. Therefore, the West and Islam must always be at war with each other to the extent they are in contact.

Back to the Religion of Pieces. As the 14th cent. ended, the Great Jihad was raging unstoppably in E Europe. On Sept. 27, 1371 the Serbs were defeated by the Ottoman Turks at the Battle of Maritsa (Chernomen) on the Maritsa River near Chernomen (modern-day Ormenio), Greece, and since their Roman Catholic brothers wouldn't help them, the Orthodox Catholic Byzantines were up against the icon-filled wall; meanwhile Bulgaria was partitioned into two kingdoms centered on Vidin and Trnovo, while NE Bulgaria is contested by several warlords; Vidin fell to the pesky Ottomans in 1388, and Trnovo in 1393. In 1395 the Ottomans occupied the Dobruja (between the Black Sea and Danube River), and invaded Wallachia and Hungary. On Sept. 25, 1396 after king Sigismund I of Hungary led an army of 20K Crusaders drawn from many European countries (incl. a bunch of French knights) against the Turkish Ottomans under Sultan Beyazid (Bajazet) I along the Danube, they were crushingly defeated at the Battle of Nicopolis (Nicopol) (Nikopol) after an initial V causes them to recklessly pursue the survivors, only to run into a fresh corps of Turkish sipahis being kept in reserve, followed by another Serbian army, causing a rout, with thousands of Crusaders KIA incl. nearly all of the knights in command, with the leading nobles taken POW incl. Enguerrand (Ingelram) VII de Coucy, 1st Earl of Bedford (1340-97), who are forced to watch a day-long mass beheading of up to 3K soldiers, after which they are marched naked 350km to Gallipoli then shipped to Turkey and held for ransom, only to run into an epidemic of the bubonic plague; the big V consolidates Ottoman hold of the Balkans and Bulgaria; Duke Philip the Bold's son John (b. 1371) is taken POW for a year until he is ransomed with an enormous boodle, earning the nickname Fearless for his bravery.

In 1376 Brunei sultan Muhammad Shah (-1402) converts to Islam.

Tamerlane (1336-1405)

Speaking of bill of rights, two scorpions in a bottle, and big celebration, let's not skip mean Persianized Turkish Sunni Muslim conqueror Tamerlane (Timur-i-Lang) (Temur the Lame) (1336-1405) ("timur" = iron) (he wasn't really lame?) from Samarkand, Uzbekistan, who married into Genghis Khan's family then built a giant empire of peace and love in C and W Asia, it's like sausage, yummy as long as you don't watch it being made. To a Muslim, an infidel is an infidel, and doesn't have to be a Christian or Jew, Hindus are fair lame, er, game. Worse, they're not People of Da Book, thus they are devil-worshiping animals entitled to no consideration. On Dec. 17, 1398 Tamerlane conquered Delhi, India, sacking it and massacring the Hindu pop. in cold blood like er, cows, this is the ultimate Muslim religious experience. In his own words "In a short space of time all the people in the Delhi fort were put to the sword, and in the course of one hour the heads of 10,000 infidels were cut off, the sword of Islam was washed in the blood of the infidels, and all the goods and effects, the treasure and the grain which for many a long year had been stored in the fort became the spoil of my soldiers... Their women and children and their property and goods became the spoil of the victors. I proclaimed throughout the camp that every man who had infidel prisoners should put them to death, and whoever neglected to do so should himself be executed and his property given to the informer. When this order became known to the ghazis of Islam, they drew their swords and put their prisoners to death. One hundred thousand infidels, impious idolaters, were on that day slain. Maulana Nasiruddin Umar, a counselor and man of learning, who in all his life had never killed a sparrow, now, in execution of my order, slew with his sword fifteen idolatrous Hindus, who were his captives.... On the great day of battle these 100,000 prisoners could not be left with the baggage, and that it would be entirely opposed to the rules of war to set these idolaters and enemies of Islam at liberty... No other course remained but that of making them all food for the sword." What happened to Miranda rights and civilian trials with Jewish defense attorneys? And you thought Hitler was bad, or the Crusades or Inquisition. Imagine a Tamerlane Century 21 in America. After what Islam did to it, Delhi took a century to recover, and only after they realized that there were too many to slaughter did the Muslim clergy devise the fiction that Hindus are People of the Book.

HRE Sigismund I (1368-1437)

In late Dec. 1399 fresh from the Delhi, after a stop in Samarkand to store his loot, Tamerlane headed toward Egypt on his last great conquest, restoring control of Azerbaijan in 1400, and invading Syria and sacking Aleppo. In 1401 just as Ottoman Sultan Beyazid I was about to take Constantinople, which was defended by foreign troops under Hungarian king (since 1387) Sigismund I (1368-1437), Tamerlane sacked and burned Damascus after exacting a large tribute from its residents, then slaughtered most of them, causing Beyazid to end the siege early next year to defend his country, yes, one Muslim kept another Muslim from finally taking the thousand-year Christian stronghold, I guess Allah is schizo. After deporting thousands of artisans and religious scholars to Samarkand, leaving the Syrian economy in the timid lane, Tamerlane sacked Baghdad. When he suddenly croaked on Feb. 17, 1405 in Otrar on the Syr Darya (Jaxartes) River W of Chimkent, 250 mi. N of Samarkand, he had conquered 2.145M sq. mi. (most in history?) of the Near East, from the Indus River to the Mediterranean Sea, and from the Indian Ocean N to the Aral Sea, leaving no institutional arrangements to keep his empire intact, saving the Chinese and Ottomans.

Sir V.S. Naipaul (1932-)

So even almost 800 years after Al-Ass Clown gave his original orders to all true Muslims to go out and produce zombies, slaves and corpses, it was working like gangbusters, I bet you want a bunch of them moving into your neighborhood for multiculturalism and diversity, especially if you're post-Christian and not People of Da Book, not, think of what they could do in New York or Chicago with them swords of Islam, party like it's 1999. I can just see mass murderer Tumor Lameass up in Heaven with Christ and Moses now after Islam proves to be the only true religion like Ass Clown said, chuckle. The real truth as you can see by now is that Islam is about monoculturalism, theirs, and about crushing other cultures, that's why they call it Islam, submit or surrender. As Indian Trinidadian writer Sir V.S. Naipaul (1932-) once put it, Islam is a colonial force that "has had a calamitous effect on converted peoples. To be converted you have to destroy your past, destroy your history. You have to stamp on it, you have to say 'my ancestral culture does not exist, it doesn't matter.'"

Istanbul Istanbul Map Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Palaeologus (1350-1425) Sultan Murad I (1326-89) Sultan Bayezid I (1347-1403)

Meanwhile Constantinople held out and held out, protecting Europe's ass, er, rear. Slobby Dan Milosevic can tell you more than I know, but after taking Gallipoli in 1354 and moving up the Balkans, on June 15 (St. Vitus' Day), 1389 the Ottomans under sultan (1359-89) Murad (Amurath) I (the Godlike) (1326-89) kicked the butts of the Christian Serbs at the Battle of Kosovo on the Field of the Blackbirds, setting the world up for WWI, while isolating Constantinople. At least a lucky Serb got the sultan after getting into his tent somehow. In 1391 reeling Byzantine emperor (1391-1425) Manuel II Palaeologus (1350-1425) wrote Dialogue Held with a Certain Persian, the Worthy Mouterizes, in Ankara of Galatia, containing the immortal soundbyte: "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached", trying to reason with a learned Persian Muslim that "God is not pleased by blood, and not acting reasonably is contrary to God's nature. Faith is born of the soul, not the body. Whoever would lead someone to faith needs the ability to speak well and to reason propertly, without violence and threats. To convince a reasonable soul, one does not need a strong arm, or weapons of any kind, or any other means of threatening a person with death", to which the Muslim replied that his God isn't bound even by his own word, and that nothing can make him even reveal the truth to Muslims, and that he could even make them practise idolatry if he wanted, sounds like a perfect description of the Devil. I wish I made this up, but it's history and I'm just scoping it for you, sorry, it's over 600 years old. In 1394 the Ottomans under partly-Greek sultan (1389-1402) Bayezid (Beyazid) I "the Thunderbolt" (1347-1403) conquered Thessaly and began the First Ottoman Siege of Constantinople, blockading it to starve it out, the sultan telling the emperor "Close the gates of the city, for I own everything outside." As we mentioned, lucky for the Christians, the Mongols under Tamerlane came along, and defeated the Ottomans on July 28, 1402 in the Battle of Ankara (Angora), capturing Beyazid I and his son Musa, exhibiting Beyazid in a cage until he committed suicide on Mar. 8, 1403. This gave Constantinople a breather, although much of the pop. of the starving plague-filled city had already fled the sinking ship.

In the early 1400s a rebellious chieftain seized the Hum region of Bosnia and established it as an independent duchy, which the Ottomans later called Herzegovina (Hercegovina) ("independent duchy"), with capital at Mostar.

Gemistus Pletho (1355-1452) Johannes Bessarion (1403-72)

On Feb. 8, 1438 Byzantine emperor John VIII Palaeologus arrived in Venice with a retinue of 700 incl. Constantinople patriarch Joseph II and 20 metropolitans, plus other big brains incl. Neoplatonist philosopher Gemistus Plethon (1355-1452) and his student Johannes (Basilius) Bessarion (1403-72); on Apr. 9 the Ecumenical Council of Ferrara convened, with the patriarch refusing to kiss the pope's foot and instead bowing and kissing his cheek; John VIII Palaeologus pled for assistance from the Turks encircling Constantinople, proposing a union of the Greek and Roman Catholic Churches. On Jan. 10, 1439 after the plague struck Ferrara, the Ecumenical Council of Florence continued the Council of Ferrara under the patronage of Cosimo de Medici; on July 6 the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches signed a treaty uniting on paper, with 1-sided terms favoring Rome, in return for Pope Eugene IV calling for a new crusade against the pesky Turks; too bad, when the Byzantine prelates returned home, the Orthodox pop. got pissed-off and either replaced them or made them repudiate the union; the whole affair ends Moscow's longtime loyalty to Constantinople, and when it falls in 1453 they take it as God's judgment on them, bolstered by the Legend of the White Cowl, which claims that Rome deviated from the true (Orthodox) faith because of "pride and ambition", and the New Rome (Constantinople) did ditto, leaving Russia as the Third and Final Rome.

John (Janos) Hunyadi of Hungary (1387-1456) Wladyslaw (Vladislaus) III of Poland-Hungary (1244-44) Prince Skanderbeg of Albania (1405-68) Ottoman Sultan Murad II (1403-51) Ottoman Sultan Mehmed (Mehmet) II the Conqueror (1432-81)

On Jan. 1, 1443 Pope Eugene IV issued an encyclical calling for the faithful to go and defend their Christian brothers in the East against the infidel Muslim Turks in the Crusade of Varna (ends 1444); the response was almost nil, except from Wallachia, Burgundy, Poland-Hungary, and Transylvania (where John Hunyadi has been kicking Turk butt since 1441), who sent 25K troops; early in the year John (Janos) Hunyadi "the White Knight" (1387-1456) of Hungary and Vladislaus (Wladyslaw III) (1424-44) of Poland-Hungary led the Crusaders into S Serbia and captured Nish and Sofia, making Vladislav III a Hungarian nat. hero, but they were finally turned back on Dec. 12 at the Battle of Zlatica; meanwhile Prince Skanderbeg (Scanderbeg) (Iskender Beg) (Lord Alexander) (Georg Kastrioti) (1405-68) saw his chance, revolted, and on Nov. 28 became the ruler (prince) of independent Christian Albania (until 1468); the Ottomans licked their wounds over the winter, and by spring decided to call it quits, and on June 12, 1444 Vladislaus III signed a 10-year truce with Sultan (since 1421) Murad II (1403-51) in Adrianople, restoring the kingdom of Serbia in return for recognizing Ottoman suzerainty in Bulgaria and Wallachia, then renegeed when a Crusader army organized by the pope, Hungary, and Venice arrived from Venice on Aug. 4 and joined their crusade into Bulgaria, hoping to kick the Turks out of Europe; in Aug. Murad II concluded a peace treaty with the principality of Karaman, freeing him from his main adversary in the E so that he could kick Crusader butt in the west; in Aug. Murad II resigned and retired to Bursa in favor of his 12-y.-o. son Mehmed (Mehmet) (Mohammed) II (the Conqueror) (1432-81), who became Ottoman sultan #7, but the Janissaries didn't cotton to him and wanted his daddy to return to the throne, which he did in May 1446; meanwhile, when he heard about the approaching Crusaders, daddy gathers an army, and on Nov. 10 his forces varnished the sorry-ass Wallachians, the Poles under still green 20-y.-o. Vladislaus (Wladyslaw III) (1424-44), and the Hungarians under John (Janos) Hunyadi "the White Knight" (1387-1456) at the Battle of Varna, in E Bulgaria near the Black Sea, with 10K Crusaders KIA, plus more from frostbite; unmarried Vladislaus III was KIA, throwing Hungary into a civil war; the overwhelming V ended the Crusade promised by the West after the Act of Union in 1439, and freed the Turks to conquer Constantinople and E Europe for decades.

Ottoman Sultan Mehmed the Conqueror II (1432-81) Constantine XI Palaeologus (1405-53) Fall of Constantinople, 1453 Fall of Constantinople, 1453 Fall of Constantinople, 1453 Fall of Constantinople, 1453

To make a long you know what short, after the West refused pleas for help, and Ottoman Sultan (1451-81) Mehmed (Mehmet) (Mohammed) II (the Conqueror) (1432-81) reneged on his oath on the Quran to the Byzantine embassy on his accession in 1451 that he would respect their territorial integrity, only to siege the city in Apr. 1453 using sappers and giant cannon, the Ottomans took Constantinople on May 28-29, 1453 (Mon.-Tues.), massacring, raping, plundering, and enslaving the Christian pop., sticking the head of last Byzantine emperor (since 1448) Constantine XI Palaeologus (Palaiologos) (1405-53) on a pike, and turning the Church of Hagia Sophia into a mosque, after which they had an open back door into Eastern Europe. Constantinople was renamed Istanbul, meaning in the city or downtown (Gr. "eis ten polin" = "into the city"), the city that connects Europe with Asia, which went from the capital of the Roman Empire to the capital of the Ottoman Empire in 1123 years thanks to Mad Mahomet the Prophet of the people that Jehovah said were wild asses. They did tolerate the Greek Orthodox Church, as long as they accepted 9th class citizenship. The entire Ottoman push was offensive and unprovoked, Islam and fun go hand in hand, Allahland, where a kid can be a devil.

Not everybody in the Christian world wept at the fall of Big C. The Jews, who were persecuted as always for killing Christ saw Turkey as the new Promised Land where they could finally get out from under the Christians, as long as they could afford to pay the jizya tax. In 1454 German rabbi Isaac Zarfati wrote a letter to European Jews, with the soundbytes "O Israel, wherefore sleepest thou? Arise, and leave this accursed land forever." Also: "I proclaim to you that Turkey is a land wherein nothing is lacking, and where, if you will, all shall yet be well with you. The way to the Holy Land lies open to you through Turkey. Is it not better for you to live under Moslems than under Christians? Here every man may dwell at peace under his own vine and fig tree. Here you are allowed to wear the most precious garments. In Christendom, on the contrary, ye dare not even venture to clothe your children in red or in blue, according to your taste, without exposing them to insult of being beaten black and blue, or kicked red and green, and therefore are ye condemned to go about meanly clad in sad-colored rainment." In 1553 Portuguese Jew Samuel Usque (1500-55) called Turkey "a broad and spacious sea which God opened with the rod of His mercy as He opened the Red Sea at the time of the Exodus... Here the gates of liberty are always open or the observance of Judaism." Too bad, after arriving with their Euro educations and riches, but losing their trading connections with European goyim, leaving them with nothing but haughty superior Muslims who won't deal with them, and aren't such easy marks for a sharp deal, their descendants got progressively poorer and less educated, and began to be systematically downgraded to the usual vermin by the hate of Allah and Muhammad, so that by the end of the 19th cent. they were more than eager to leave.

George Brankovic of Serbia (1377-1456) Lazar II Brankovic of Serbia (1421-58) Stefan III Brankovic of Serbia (1417-76) Stefan Tomasevic of Bosnia (-1463) Matthias Corvinus of Hungary (1443-90) St. John of Capistrano (1385-1456) Janos Hunyadi (1387-1456)

After finishing Big C off, on July 4, 1456 the Ottomans began the Siege of Belgrade as the first step toward taking the kingdom of Hungary, followed by the rest of Europe. On July 22 the Christians, led by the Italian Franciscan soldier-priest "athlete of Christ" St. John of Capistrano (1386-1456) and Hungarian gen. ("the White Knight") John (Janos) Hunyadi (1387-1456) (veteran of Varna) staged a surprise counterattack against overwhelming odds, defeating the Turkish fleet then invading the Turkish camp and wounding Mehmed II, causing the Ottomans to retreat, Allah must have been on vacation, staving off Ottoman conquest of Hungary for 70 years and becoming known as the battle that decided the fate of Christendom, causing Roman Catholic churches to toll their bells at noon forever more. Too bad, on Aug. 11 big hero John Hunyadi died of plague, followed by Capistrano on Oct. 23, who campaigned successfully along with Nicholas of Cusa for full observance of the decree of the 1215 Fourth Lateran Council requiring Jews and Muslims to wear special markings (usually yellow circles) on their clothing, based on what Muslim lands did to them. Meanwhile on Apr. 8, 1456 in a bid to get Crusader protection, Hungarian king (1458-90) Matthias Corvinus (1443-90) deposed Orthodox Serbian despot (since 1427) George (Durad) Brankovic (1377-1456) (whose income from the gold-silver mines in Novo Brdo made him the richest monarch in Europe) in favor of Roman Catholic Stephen (Stjepan) Tomasevic (-1463), son of Bosnian king Stephen (Stjepan) Tomas Kotromanic. Too bad, it backfired when many Serbs joined the Turks rather than kiss the pope's butt, and Serbia began to disintegrate. On Dec. 24, 1456 (Xmas Eve) Brankovic was killed in a quarrel with Belgrade gov. Szilagyi, and was succeeded as despot of Serbia by his 3rd son Lazar II Brankovic (1421-58), who in 1457 gave an oath of subservience to Mehmed II to play both sides, then died in a Xmas Eve quarrel with the governor of Belgrade, leaving Serbia to his blind older brother Stefan III Brankovic (1417-76), giving Stephen Tomasevic ideas and causing him to invade and capture Srebrenica and other Serbian towns, then on Apr. 1, 1459 marry Lazar II's Byzantine princess widow Helena Palaiologina (1428-58) in Smederevo (on the right bank of the Danube River 25 mi. downstream from Belgrade), deposing blind Stefan Brankovic. Too bad, on June 20, 1459 the Ottomans captured Smederevo and annexed Serbia except for Belgrade (which was captured by Suleiman I the Magnificent in 1521), causing Tomasevic to flee to Bosnia, where, under papal pressure to get Western aid against the Turks, yes, they were willing to cut their Greek Orthodox brethren loose, he ordered the Bosnian clergy to accept Roman Catholicism or leave, causing the majority to convert and the rest to accept asylum from Herceg Stefan of Hercegovina. The Ottomans established the Pashaluk of Belgrade (Sanjak of Smederevo) in C Serbia, with admin. center at Smederevo. In 1461 Stefan Tomasevic became the last king of Christian Bosnia as the Ottomans finally captured it in 1463 (until 1878), losing it to Hungary then regaining it in 1464, and going to work forcing Sharia on the pop., get them crosses and bells out of sight and erect them arrogant noisier minarets, get out the clit shears and order acres more cloth, let's divvy up these hot Christian babes, and turning it into an Ottoman province, destroying all evidence of a Christian state along with all 500 of its castles and forts, and executing its nobility then later importing elite Sephardic Jews from Spain after they were expelled in 1492, getting them to convert to Islam in exchange for titles of nobility (bey and agha), the smartest race in the world. In spring 1463 the Ottoman Muslims under Mehmed II invaded Bosnia, killing Catholic king Stefan Tomasevic and capturing the country (until 1878); on May 28 Mehmed II granted the Ahdname (Charter) of Milodraz to the Bosnian Fransciscans in which he regulated their relationship with the Roman Catholic Church represented by the Bosnian custos Andjeo (Angel) Zvizdovic; Mehmet II erased all evidence of Bosnian statehood, destroying all 500 of its castles and forts and executing its nobility, then later importing elite Sephardic Jews after they were expelled from Spain in 1492, who converted to Islam in exchange for titles of nobility (bey and agha); Sarajevo (Turk. "palace") (modern-day pop. 275K/395K) on the Miljacka River in the Sarajevo Valley of the Dinaric Alps was founded by the Ottomans, becoming the capital of Bosnia and Herzegovina; Mehmed II's Bosnian conquests scared the Venetians into taking him on to protect their Aegean and Adriatic coastal possessions, and they began the First Ottoman-Venetian War (ends 1479), seizing Morea (Peloponnesus), while the Hungarians retook Bosnia, only to see the Muslims retake it next year. About 1474 Stjepan Hercegovic (1459-1517), son of king Herceg Stefan of Hercegovina converts to Islam, later returning in 1515 from several years in Istanbul as Otoman grand vizier Ahmed Pasha Hercegovic (Hersekzad) (Hersekli) (Ahmed Pasha, Son of the Herzog), helping the Bosnian nobility go Muslim; the Christian peasants are jizya-taxed in money and children, who are turned into Janissaries - great dress? On Sept. 9, 1493 the Battle of Krbava Field near modern-day Udbina in C Croatia saw Bosnian Sanjak Bey Hadim Yakup-Pasa with 8K Akincis (Ottoman light cavalry) returning from a pillage expedition to Styria and Croatian Zagorje smash a Croatian feudal army of 2K cavalry and 8K infantry under command of Ban Emerik (Mirko) Derencin (Imre Derencsenyi), killing 7K incl. virtually all the nobles, taking the rest along with Ban Derencin away for ransom. Croatia, which was a vassal of Hungary was broken militarily, causing many Croats to flee to Austria and Italy. So went Byzantium, Serbia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Croatia. What happened to that religion of peace talk, and no convert or die talk? Once they have militarily crushed you and erected their supremacist Sharia, the press is silenced while they do what you know they wanted all along, and leave it to later Islamic historians to cover it up for them in crap written for consumption by dhimmis, it's never national crime victims week in Islam.

Sultan Murad II (1404-51) Prince Vlad III Dracula the Impaler (1431-76) Vlad III Dracula (1431-76) feasting in front of his stuck-up partygoers, 1459 Bela Lugosi (1882-1956) as Dracula Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise in 'Interview With the Vampire', 1994

Speaking of Black Death, wild asses, Ottoman sultans, and off the subject, I must mention Wallachian Prince Vlad III Dracula (the Dragon) (Son of Da Devil) Tepes (the Impaler) (1431-76). He was an example of what happens to a Christian who spends too much time hanging out at the Ottoman court, in this case of Sultan (1421-51) Murad II Kodja (1404-51), where he was held as a hostage during his youthful formative years after the big D at Varna in 1444, and watched horrific tortures until he began to like them, no love them, no need them. He lived on to the time of Mehmed II, and when he got loose, leggo my eggo, he outdid the Ottomans in his horrific cruelty in the Carpathians, spawning a whole genre of literature, what would we do without it? But from a historical viewpoint, we might think of him as a victim of Islam who had to spend his life on the Christian-Muslim border and had one foot in each camp. Maybe if you're a Goth who likes to wear black and Twitter, that sounds good, but we're talking about real impaling here not some cool nighttime parties where you might get laid. And sorry, he didn't become an immortal vampire who looks like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, he lived a miserable life and had a miserable death, as we'll cover soon. Not that he didn't have his fun moments, such as on Mar. 25, 1459 when he got even for their killing of his father and brother Mircea by inviting the boyars involved along with their families to an Easter feast, then arresting them, impaling the aged on stakes, and forcing the rest to march 50 mi. to Poenari without rest and build him a fortress high in the mountains over the Arges River that became known as Castle Dracula (Poienari Fortress). Then on Aug. 24, 1459 (St. Bartholomew's Day) Dracula impaled 30K merchants and officials (mostly Saxons, who are parasites, right?) in Brasov, Transylvania for defying his authority, feasting among the forest of stakes while an executioner (his chef?) dissected some fresh bodies, earning him the name Vlad the Impaler, who's side's he on, that's why I don't eat seafood.

Stephen III the Great of Moldavia (1532-1504) Pope Sixtus IV (1414-84)

In Dec. 1475 Mehmed II's forces invaded Moldavia and advanced onto scorched earth and poisoned waters, meeting the Christians on Jan. 10, 1475 on a foggy morning at the Battle of Vaslui (Racova) (Podul Inalt), which was a big V for Moldavian prince (1457-1504) Stephen III the Great (1432-1504) and his 45K Christian troops plus 5K troops from Hungary and Poland plus 30K peasants armed with homemade weapons against 120K Ottomans under Hadan Suleiman Pasha , who sustained 40K casualties (30K killed) before hightailing it out of there, becoming the greatest V ever secured by the Christians against Islam, and the worse defeat ever for the Ottomans, saving the Christian world from Islam and causing Pope (1471-84) Sixtus IV (1414-84) (founder of the Sistine Chapel) to award Stephen the title of Athleta Christi (champion of Christ), and call him "Verus christiane fidei aletha" (the true defender of the Christian faith). Like a true athlete of Christ, Stephen didn't celebrate his V like some pagan Roman, but fasted for 40 days on bread and water and gave credit only to the Lord, then ordered monasteries built and decorated with colorful frescoes, incl. the Church of St. George of Voronet Monastery (1488), whose exterior walls were painted in 1547 with a Last Judgment scene in vivid cerulean blue (later known as Voronet blue), becoming known as "the Sistine Chapel of the East". In 1490 he built the Monastery of the Beheading of St. John the Baptist.

Basarab Laiota the Elder of Wallachia Matthias Corvinus of Hungary (1443-90) Resveratrol

Meanwhile in 1475 Vlad III Dracula's younger brother Radu cel Frumos (the Handsome) (b. 1435) (who converted to Islam and might have been Mehmed II's lover) died, and Basarab Laiota cel Batran (the Elder) of the Danesti clan was installed by the Ottomans as Christian vassal prince of Wallachia, causing Vlad, who was officially released from imprisonment in Hungary in 1475 by Hungarian king (1458-90) Matthias Corvinus (1443-90) to invade Wallachia with Stephen V Bathory of Ecsed (1430-93) with a mixed force from Transylvania that included some Moldavian troops sent by Vlad's cousin Stephen III of Moldavia, causing Basarab to flee to the protection of the Turks, after which Bathory placed Dracula on the throne of Wallachia then returned to Transylvania, leaving Vlad with a force of only 4K men, which he failed to increase after the boyars and peasants alike told da vamp to shove it. After getting over the shock of the Big D, pissed-off Sultan Mehmed II personally led 150K Ottomans back into Bessarabia in June 1476, and met Stephen II on July 17, 1476 at the Battle of Valea Alba (Razboieni) (Akdere) after 10K Wallachians and 30K Tatars from the Crimea who came to join the Ottoman side were repelled at the cost of dispersing the Moldavian forces, leaving Stephen III with only 12K-20K men, who were defeated by the Ottomans, destroying almost the entire army, causing the battlefield to become known as White Valley for the carpet of bones, after which Stephen (who had to be dragged from the battle) retreated to the NW and recruited another army, while the Ottomans failed to capture any Moldavian strongholds and began suffering from plague and starvation, causing them to retreat in Aug. Meanwhile the Wallachians under Laiota were chased back to Wallachia by Vlad III Dracula and Stephen Bathory of Transylvania and their 30K-man army (which arrived too late to help Stephen III at Valea Alba, then joined him on Aug. 18), causing Stephen III to regroup and invade Wallachia from the N with 15K men, while Dracula and Bathory invaded from the W (S Transylvania) with 35K men, defeating Laiota and his 18K men in Nov. 1476 at the Battle of Rucar 15 mi. from Bran at the Transylvanian-Wallachian border with casualties of 10K on each side, then capturing Bucharest on Nov. 16, after which Dracula was reinstalled on the Wallachian throne on Nov. 26, with 200 loyal knights given to him by Stephen as bodyguards. Too bad, after Stephen and Bathory left, Prince Basarab Laiota returned in Dec. and caught Vlad III Dracula (b. 1431) with his 4K-man mini-army, killing him near Bucharest (assassinated by his own boyars?), then allegedly took his head preserved in perfume and honey to Constantinople to please the sultan, although kinky people think he was really just scalped then buried by his grandfather Radu Florescu, after which Matei Cazacu (1946-) opened his tomb in Snagov Monastery in 2005 for British documentary film crew David Paradine Productions, and his remains turned to dust in a few minutes, showing a cloth placed over his face, proving he was de-faced but had no head? For what really really happened to Dracula, don't miss reading Elizabeth Kostova's 2004 novel The Historian while popping Resveratrol pills. Finally, on Oct. 13, 1479 the Battle of Breadfield on the Breadfield Zsibod (Sibot) near the Maros River in Transylvania saw 12K-15K athletic Christian Hungarians and Transylvanians led by Stephen V Bathory, Basarab Laiota cel Batran et al. decisively defeat 10K-20K Ottomans and 1K-2K Wallachians in the biggest battle in Transylvanian history to date, with 3K Christians vs. 10K-15K Muslims KIA, causing the Turks to leave them alone for many years so they could get well, maybe you'll now have some respect for Hungarian paprika dishes.

Skanderbeg of Albania (1405-68)

Mehmed II also went to work on Albania, which became a symbol of resistance to Christendom as it was bravely defended by Roman Catholic convert Skanderbeg (1405-68) and his 30K men from 1443-68. Finally in 1478 Kruje fell after the 4th siege when Mehmed II promised the defenders safe passage then reneged, killing the men and enslaving the women and children and taking the younger women as wives. In 1478, having resisted the Ottomans since 1474, Shkodra (Shkoder) in N Albania finally fell to Mehmed II after a heroic struggle, the peace treaty with the Venetians on Jan. 25 permitting the defenders to leave unharmed for real, after which many fled to Italy, Greece, Egypt and other countries, leaving the Turks a free hand to Muslimize Albania, how sorry can you feel for somebody on the wrong side of the Adriatic.

In May-Aug. 1480 the Ottomans sieged Rhodes, the last major Aegean island not under their control, but the Knights of St. John fought them off after causing heavy losses; on Aug. 11 the Ottomans surprise-attacked and sacked Otranto in S Italy, killing 12K, and sawing Bishop Stephen Pendinelli and garrison cmdr. Count Francesco Largo in half, then on Aug. 12 decapitated 813 Christians who refused to accept Islam in the Valley of the Martyrs, threatening Italy with conquest, and causing Western navigators to begin turning around, "Seeking the East by Way of the West", i.e., finding a westward passage to the Indies; meanwhile Pope Sixtus IV calls for a guess what, a Crusade; ; on Feb. 28, 2013 Pope Benedict XVI canonized 800 of the Italian martyrs, pissing-off Muslims of course.

1492 Christopher Columbus (1451-1506) Vasco da Gama (1460-1524)

Yes, the whole game was about to change with the discovery of the New World. After giving up on ending Muslim control of the Mediterranean Sea, by the early 1400s Western Euro powers began improving their ability to navigate on the seas using stolen Muslim astrolabes, and set out south in search of another route to India and China so they could get hold of yummy spices to make their unrefrigerated rotten meat more palatable, plus so that they could steal anything that wasn't bolted down. It didn't take long for the Portuguese to discover Africa, taking back their first African slaves in 1434, that was no sweat, but the big breakthrough for the world war between Christians and Muslims was in 1492, when Spanish-backed Christopher Columbus (1451-1506) discovered America AKA the New World, thinking it was was part of the Old World, India, because he knew the world was round despite the official opinion of the Church, but vastly underestimated the circumference. In 1498 Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama (1460-1524) finally found a route around Africa to India, reaching Kappakadavu near Calcutta on May 20, and discovering that Arab merchants had beat him to it, but going on to kick them out. The discoveries made Spain and Portugal rich with stolen loot, incl. tons of gold, and gave them a strategic advantage in future fights with the Muslim Hive, although it exposed them and their Roman Catholic Church backers as cruel greedy genocide artists and slavemasters, the intellectual backlash causing them to eventually concoct the theory of white supremacy as a justification.

Pope Nicholas V (1397-1455) 'Day of the Dove' Star Trek Episode

Meanwhile on June 18, 1452 after requests by Afonso V of Portugal, Pope (1447-55) Nicholas V (1397-1455) (a humanist and lover of ancient Greek and Latin pagan works, who hired hundreds of scholars and translators, pumping up the Western Renaissance) issued the bull Dum Diversas, authorizing him to conquer and subdue diverse dumb African Saracens and pagans, and consign them to indefinite slavery, launching the West African slave trade. On Jan. 8, 1455, after getting over the shock of the 1453 capture and rape of Constantinople, and wanting to bless the adventurous but devout Portuguese and Spanish with global holy mojo, Nicholas V finally decided to take off the gloves and issued the bigger bull Romanus Pontifex, creating the Roman Catholic Doctrine of Discovery, with the soundbyte "We bestow suitable favors and special graces on those Catholic kings and princes... athletes and intrepid champions of the Christian faith... to invade, search out, capture, vanquish, and subdue all Saracens and pagans whatsoever, and other enemies of Christ wheresoever placed, and ... to reduce their persons to perpetual slavery, and to apply and appropriate ... possessions and goods, and to convert them to ... their use and profit." Call it the Christian worldwide counterjihad, which, if it had limited itself to contracting Islam back around Mecca until the A-bomb could be invented, might have been okay, but too bad, it was forever confused with the white supremacist thing, starting with black African slaves, many of whom were Muslim, and extended to any non-white non-Christian, and stunk the white race up, but that's a different story. Not that their dear savior Jesus Christ ever gave orders like this, but by now the Church was totally corrupt and the scum had risen to the top, so the Devil was pretty much running both operations, East and West, like in that Star Trek episode Day of the Dove starring Syrian-American actor Michael Ansara.

Pope Innocent VIII (1432-92) Andreas Vesalius (1514-64) Tomas de Torquemada (1420-98) Malleus Mleficarum, 1486

In 1484 the Ottomans captured the strategic Moldavian Black Sea ports of Kilia (Chilia) and Akkerman (Cetatea Alba) from Stephen III the Great, incorporating the area under the name Budjak ("corner", "triangle"), and expanding up between the Prut River to the W, Danube River and Black Sea to the S, and Dniester River to the N and E, giving them mastery of the Black Sea as well as control of the trade, and making Moldavia a landlocked principality. The Turkish triangle became known as Bessarabia after the Basarab dynasty of Wallachia. Meanwhile on Aug. 12, 1484 Pope Sixtus IV (b. 1414) died after issuing a bull allowing local bishops to give the bodies of executed criminals and unidentified corpses to physicians and artists for dissection, allowing Andreas Vesalius (1514-64) et al. to later advance the science of anatomy, and on Aug. 29 Giovanni Battista Cibo was elected Pope (#213) Innocent VIII (1432-92), starting out by issuing a fruitless call for yet another Crusade against the Ottomans, then deciding to go after the #2 target, Jews, er, witches, on Dec. 5 issuing the bull Summis Desiderantes against witchcraft and sorcery, ordering the Inquisition to send witch hunters into Germany. His bull was prompted by a hit on Sept. 15 of Spanish Inquisitor (since 1483) Pedro de Arbues (Arbués) (b. 1441) (known for forcibly converting Jews), who was assaulted while praying in the cathedral in Saragossa while wearing a helmet and chain mail. After he died on Sept. 17, his assassination was blamed on the Jews, causing nine to be executed, two to commit suicide, 13 to be burned at the stake, and four more to be punished for complicity, after which he was later canonized as a saint by Pope Pius IX in 1867 with the soundbyte "The divine wisdom has arranged that in these sad days, when Jews help the enemies of the Church with their books and money, this decree of sanctity has been brought to fulfillment". This all played into the hands of Spanish Dominican friar Tomas de Torquemada (1420-98), who had been appointed Spain's first Inquisitor General in 1483, allowing him to burn 1K-2K heretic witches with holy glee, while Heinrich Kramer (1430-1505) and Jacob Sprenger (1436-94) began doing ditto in Germany. As a descendant of Jewish converts to Christianity, Torquemada especially enjoyed the torquing of fake Jewish converts to Christianity, and pumped up the general suspicion that all of them were fakes who were really working for the Muslim Moors, causing them to be called Marranos, which is Spanish for swine, a sarcastic reference to Jewish and Muslim prohibitions against eating pork. In 1486 learned German profs. Kramer and Sprenger wrote the infamous Malleus Maleficarum ("Hammer of Witches") (Hexenhammer in German), attempting to silence critics who claim that witches don't exist, while proving that they're usually women not men, hence they should have full police powers to strip them and do nasty things to them in the name of Christ, they should have called it Holy Sex Bondage. Just kidding, it was horrible, what they now call the Burning Times, which went on for centuries, peaking in SW Germany in 1560-1670, and even spreading to British North America in the Salem Witch Trials of 1692-3, and resulting in a total of 60K-100K deaths, all using the Witches Hammer as their guidebook, complete with instructions to remove hair from every part of the body "even... the most secret parts" to search for hidden objects and the Devil's mark (Satan's nipple), and providing for due process by requiring a witch to confess before being condemned to death, authorizing torture to obtain a first confession, followed by another "free and open confession", after which condemned witches are to be handed over to the civil authorities swiftly for execution, and if they renounce Satan they get treated with quick easy strangulation before the pyres are lit, after which the Church and lay authorities get to split the heretic's property. No wonder the West began getting revolted against the Church, and wanted to flush it down the toilet, Bible and all, notwithstanding the Protestant Reformation, since everybody could read "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" in Exodus 22:18.

Ferdinand II (1452-1516) and Isabella I (1451-1504) of Spain Boabdil (Muhammad XII) of Granada (1460-1533) The Alhambra Christopher Columbus (1451-1506) Cardinal Francisco Jimenez de Cisneros (1436-1517) Philip III of Spain (1578-1621)

In 1491-2 after 780 long hard years, Ferdinand II (1452-1516) and Isabella I (1451-1504) the Catholic Kings of Aragon and Castile kicked the butt of the last Muslim ruler of Granada Muhammad XII (Boabdil) (1460-1533) out of Spain back to North Africa, completing the Reconquista (begun in 722). Given safe passage with his family after surrendering, Big Boabdil took one last look at the ultra-cool Alhambra ("red fortress") from El Ultimo Suspiro del Moro (The Moor's Last Sigh) Bridge, and his mother uttered the immortal soundbyte "Weep like a woman for what you could not defend like a man." Three hankies please. No surprise, at the urging of Tomas de Torque-em-harder, in 1492 the "Catholic Kings" Ferdinand and Isabella issued the Alhambra Decree, expelling the Jews from Spain, so again no surprise, while they were still in Granada the panicky Jews sent closet Jew (Marrano) did-I-mention Christopher Columbus (1451-1506), who tricked them into financing his emergency expedition to find a new homeland for the Jews, making Mel Gibson right once again, the Jews actually discovered America and brought the horrible Catholics in, causing all the wars of extermination, although you can't blame them too much, they thought they were just finding an escape route to the east coast of India where they could be far from both Christians and Muslims, the car, is it running, it's running, make for the driver's side, ready go. Back in Granada, since they actually hoped to convince the Muslims that Christ was right and Muhammad a bum by pure logic, Fred and Ethel graciously permitted them to stay, and when that didn't work, in 1499 pissed-off Franciscan Cardinal Francisco Jimenez de Cisneros (1436-1517) (who reformed the Franciscan order in Spain, making them give up their concubines, causing 400 monks and friars to flee with them to Africa and convert to Islam, making him only more determined) got tired of trying to reason with the Mudejar (Muslims remaining in Granada) and started forced conversions and baptisms to save their damned souls from Hell, causing the Muslims to revolt, after which in 1501 the Castilian crown rescinded the amnesty and ordered them to convert or leave, causing the majority to convert, becoming Moriscos, Catholics of Moorish descent, most of whom remained secret Muslims ready to support a new invasion like the Jews had done in 711, after which on Apr. 9, 1609 Spanish king (1598-1621) Philip III (1578-1621) ordered the expulsion of the Moriscos (incl. Jews) in Spain, expelling 275K by 1614, that's Levi Johnston, father of Sarah Palin's grandchild. I know, you're going to tell me that the horrible excesses of the Roman Catholic Church make the Muslims look less horrible, but the big difference is that enlightened Europeans pumped up their resistance to the Church despite being threatened with excommunication and eternal damnation in Hell and systematically defanged it because they could go back to the life and words of Jesus to show them that they were wrong, while in the Islamic world their founder's life and words made this impossible, and resulted in the modern situation where the West is the Best, with the governments basically free of Church control while people are still allowed to be religious if they want, while the retro Islamic world has to choose between joining the modern world after chucking their founder, or take it on themselves to turn the calendar back and risk destroying all the progress for him.

'Antonio Grimani (1434-1523) by Titian (1477-1576), 1475-6 Battle of Zonchio, 1499

In Jan. 1499 their relations going downhill since 1492, Doge Agostino Barbarino and Ottoman sultan Bayezid II began the Second (Fourth) Ottoman-Venetian War (ends 1503), causing Venetian merchants in Constantinople to be arrested while Bosnian troops invade Dalmatia and sieged Zara, and Ottoman adm. Kemal Reis (1451-1511) (paternal uncle of Piri Reis) set sail from Constantinople itching to try out the new expanded fleet; on Aug. 12-25 the naval Battle of Zonchio (Sapienza) (First Battle of Lepanto) (first naval battle in history where cannons are used on ships) in the Ionian Sea was a V for the 67-galley Ottoman force over the 47-galley Venetian force under Antonio Grimani (1434-1523), the tide turning when two Venetian carracks attempted to board the command ship of Burak Reis, and he set all three afire, hurting Venetian morale, after which the Italian naval base of Lepanto surrendered; after the sultan gave 10 of the captured galleys to him, Kemal Reis stationed his fleet on Cefalonia Island between Oct.-Dec., with the goal of taking the remaining bases of Modone and Corone; in Dec. the Venetians recaptured Lepanto, and Reis sailed right back and rerecaptured it.

Shah Ismail I of Persia (1487-1524)

In 1501 Shiite cmdr. Ismail of Ardabil and his army of 7K Shiite Qizilbash Red Heads defeated an army of 30K Sunnis under the leader of the White Sheep (Aq-Qoyunlu) Turk dynasty under Alwand Mirza at the Battle of Shurer in Azerbaijan, and captured their capital of Tabriz; Ismail proclaimed himself shah Ismail I (1487-1524), founding the Turkish-based Shiite Persian Safavid (Safawod) Dynasty, which became a rival to the Sunni Ottoman Empire and pissed them off by suppressing Sunni subjects and sending missionaries into Anatolia to stir up the Turkomans (ends 1736). On Dec. 2, 1510 Ismail I sent a force of Qizilbash to Transoxiana to aid Timurid ruler Babar in his war against the upstart Genghis Khan descendant Uzbeks, and they conquered former Timurid possessions Herat, Khurasan, and Samarkand from them, they defeated the griffinless Uzbeks at the Battle of Merv, and killed their leader Muhammad Shaybani (Sheibak Khan) (b. 1451), ending his dynasty; Ismail sent his head to the Ottoman sultan as a warning that Sunnis shouldn't mess with badass Shiites, and sent various body parts around his empire for display, making a golden drinking cup from his skull; Shaybani was succeeded by an uncle, a cousin and a brother, whose descendants ruled Bukhara until 1598, then Khwarezm (Khiva) along the Amu Darya (Oxus) River until 1687; meanwhile a pro-Safavid insurrection led by Shah Kulu Baba captured most of E and SE Anatolia and caused Ottoman troops to switch sides, until a force commanded by the grand vizier defeated them and killed him. In 1512 Shia became the official state religion of Persia. On Aug. 23, 1514 after war begins between the Suni Muslim Ottomans under Selim I and the Persian Shiites under Ismail I, they meet at the Battle of Chaldiran (Chaldoran), which is a V for the Ottomans over the Savadis; Shah Ismail is wounded but escapes to Dagestan; Selim enters Tabriz on Sept. 15 and massacres the pop.; the Persian silk trade is closed; the last battle between Turkey and Iran until ?.

Ottoman Sultan Selim I the Grim (1465-1520)

On Aug. 24, 1516 the Ottomans under sultan (1512-20) Selim ("Peace") I the Grim (1465-1520) (first Ottoman sultan to assume the title of caliph of Islam) defeated the Mamluks at the Battle of Marj Dabiq (Mercidabik) (Marg Dayek) 26 mi. N of Halab (N of Aleppo) in Syria. The Morons, er, Mormons, er, Mamluks refused to use gunpowder and artillery, calling it a "dishonorable weapon", relegating it to inferior units while taking on the Ottomans with valor and elan instead, no wonder they lost. Selim I then took Aleppo, followed on Sept. 26 by Damascus, then Palestine, and Jerusalem on Dec. 28. On Dec. 30 Sultan Selim I secretly visited Jerusalem for devotions, then annexed all of Syria and moved on to Cairo. The Turks generally remained in control of the Holy Land until 1917.

Martin Luther (1483-1546) John Calvin (1509-64) Michael Servetus (1511-53) Giordano Bruno (1548-1600) Sean Penn (1960-) Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) Robin Williams (1951-) Blaise Pascal (1623-62)

Speaking of resistance to the Church and progress, 25 years after Columbus discovered the New World, the greed and corruption of the pig-troughing Roman Catholic Church finally caused German monk Martin Luther (1483-1546) to nail his 95 theses to the door of the church in Wittenberg, Germany on Oct. 31, 1517 (Halloween), launching the Protestant Reformation, which didn't exactly work out as he planned, not reforming the Church but instead creating a new one that fought a long bloody war for survival that only ended in 1648, and later bolstered white supremacy even more, since the Germans who ran it were blonde-blue so-called Aryans, and you know what they did to da Jews, not to mention what the Yankee gringos did to the aborigines in North America. Not that the discovery of America by the Muslims wouldn't have been far more horrible, both there and back in Europe as they used the new riches to finally take it, check out my new novel when it comes out. You guessed it, after the horrible Roman Catholic Church began burning Protestants, the latter soon developed a leader who responded by adopting their tactics, and even adopted Islamic doctrines and methods, French theologian John Calvin (1509-64), who twisted the Bible to rid it of any trace of freewill, and enjoyed the prospect of all infidels burning in Hell just as much as a Muslim does, while sending as many as he could to Hell personally, most infamously the great Spanish humanist brain man Michael Servetus (1511-53), which act helped finalize the split between areligious scientists and all of Christendom, left, right, and middle of the cross, along with the burning at the stake of Italian scientist Giordano Bruno (1548-1600) and persecution of Italian scientist Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) by the Roman Catholic Inquisition. To calm the Catholic intelligentsia, French philosopher Blaise Pascal (1623-62) came up with Pascal's Wager, to the effect that going through life not questioning the existence of God or the truth of the Church was the best bet. Too bad, when Protestants and Roman Catholics debated, they often used their common but more distant enemy Islam as an escape valve, pretending to praise it for being better than the other in such and such a category, with Luther actually claiming that to make a war on the infidel Ottomans is to rebel against God, who has been sending them to punish the sins of Roman Catholicism, beginning a 500-year appeasement jag that softened the West up for 9/11?; "The Reformation generated more vehement and coherent arguments between Christians, the ultimate effect of which was to favour the Muslims. It became customary amongst Catholics and Protestants for each to censure the 'vices' of the other's religion and to emphasize that the infidel [Muslims] exemplified the corresponding 'virtue,', which naturally would have been much better suited to the Christians... In fact the arguments between Catholics and Protestants frequently led to a competition as to which of the two could hurt the adversary more by heaping praise upon the infidel"; "The Reformation produced one logical if unexpected result: a definite boost to the positive evaluation of Islam, and therefore to the birth and development of an often conventional and mannered pro-Islamic stance." (Bernard Lewis) At least the Protestants soon splintered into a variety of sects, no monolithic bloc like the Catholics, making Protestant lands far more hospitable to fledgling science, which was international from the get-go for its own protection. Speaking of science, Pascal was a great genius in math and physics, inventing the subject of probability theory, constructing the first computer, and advancing the study of fluids, alas the good die young and cash in on their bets.

Ottoman Sultan Suleiman I the Magnificent (1494-1566) Nikola Subic Zrinski of Croatia (1508-66) Balint Torok (1502-51) 'Siege of Eger, 1552' by Bertalan Szekely

While the Spanish and Portuguese were busy raping and pillaging the New World in a not un-Muslimlike fashion, the Ottoman Empire reached its peak during the reign of sultan (1520-66) Suleiman I the Magnificent (1494-1566) (known for his magnificently huge turban), who did everything he could to destroy Christendom and take over the last territory run by the Byzantines.

In summer 1522 200K Ottomans with 400 ships under Suleiman I the Magnificent took the Dodecanese, and sieged the Hospitaler stronghold of Rhodes, held by the Knights of Rhodes (St. John) (Hospitalers) since 1309, tunneling under the walls and setting off explosions until they could take the city with hand-to-hand fighting, but only after Venetian engineer Tadini (Tadino) held them off for months with clever subterranean alarms; the Knights of Rhodes surrendered on Christmas Eve (Dec. 21?), and were granted safe passage to look for a new home, ending up in Malta in 1530, whose walls were built on stone that couldn't be undermined, with the remaining citizens given exemption from conscription and taxation for five years, and Tadini (who was shot in the eye, keeping him from scaling the walls to see the best way to bombard the enemy, helping them win) allowed to leave;, going to Genoa to fight the invading Turks a 2nd time, losing again; the Turks control the Dodecanese until 1912.

'The First Battle of Mohács' by Bertelan Szekely

On Aug. 29, 1526 Suleiman I invaded Hungary crushed the Hungarian army at the First Battle of Mohacs (Mohács) (Plain) in S Hungary on the right bank of the Danube River, followed a week later by the town of Pest (home of a lot of guess what, Jewish pests) across the Danube River from Christian-held Buda, opening the way to the Danube Basin and leading to the partitioning of Hungary between the Ottoman Empire, the Hapsburg Monarchy of Austria, and the Principality of Transylvania. On Sept. 27-Oct. 14, 1529 Suleiman I then tried to magnificently finish Europe off from the over-easy sunny-side-up east side with the unsuccessful but scary Siege of Vienna, but luckily, when Westerners get outnumbered they become heroes, and they held back the horrible Muslim hordes for the time being. After they invaded again in 1532, 800 Hungarians held the 80K-man Ottoman army back for 25 days on Aug. 5-30 in the Siege of Koszeg (Koszeg), causing them to have to regroup before they occupied Buda (on the other side of the Danube River from Pest) in 1541, setting it up as the capital of a Muslim province. Buda was a V for Suleiman I only through trickery, since he invited Hungarian gen. Count Balint Torok (Bálint Török) de Enying (1502-51) to a sumptuous dinner in his tent, giving him the first coffee tasted by a Euro, along with the first Euro caffeine buzz, I wish I had been there, while sending his best soldiers to take Buda Castle, from con man to CEO and the love of my daughter's life. After 80K Ottomans took Temesvar (Timosoara) in W Romania in July 1552, along with most of Transylvania, on Sept. 4, 1552 they took Szolnok in C Hungary, after which 150K-200K Turks began the Siege of Eger in N Hungary E of the Matra Mts., where 2K Christian forces under Capt. Baron Istvan Dobo de Ruszka (1502-72) successfully fended them off, checking Ottoman expansion into C and E Europe. Meanwhile in 1545 Mister Magnificent appoints Sunni Hanafi legal scholar Mehmed Ebussuud Efendi (1490-1574) as grand mufti (until 1574), who goes on to reorganize the Ottoman legal system to put it more under Sharia, but with the sultan's orders given higher standing; he issues several fatwas, incl. ones permitting consumption of coffee and allowing the performance of Karagoz (Karagöz) (Turk. "black eye") AKA Hacivat (Turk. "Haci Ivaz" = Ivaz the Pilgrim) (shadow) plays, featuring educated refined Turk Hacivat and vulgar illiterate Greek peasantKaragoz, who always gets the better of him with his "native wit".

Sultan Selim II 'the Sot' (1524-74) Mehmet Sokullu (1506-79) Dona Gracia Mendes Nasi (1510-69)

In May 1566 despite a 1562 truce, Suleiman I the Magnificent left Constantinople with 100K-300K troops on his last Hungarian campaign against the Hapsburgs, with the goal of capturing Vienna. But the West is Heroesville, and on Aug. 5-Sept. 8, 1566 the Battle of Szigetvar (Szigeth) in Croatia near the Hungarian border saw 2.3-3K Roman Catholic Croatians under Nikola Subic Zrinski (1508-66) defend their fort to the last man after killing 20K Ottomans, holding back the Ottoman attack on Vienna, causing Cardinal Richelieu to later call it "the battle that saved civilization". After capturing the strategic fort of Gyula (until 1695), Suleiman I fell ill and died on Sept. 5/6/7, 1566, and was succeeded by his blonde-haired sauce-loving sexually-debauched half-Ukrainian (Ruthenian) only surviving son Selim II "the Yellow" "the Sot" (1524-74), who took the title of "Universal Lord of Everything Under the Sun, Descendant from Divine Lineage, Destroyer of the Christian Faith, Dominator of the Universe", then retired to his harem, leaving affairs of state to his Bosnian grand vizier Mehmet Sokullu (Sokollu) (1506-79) (a product of Devshirme), causing his princes to do the same, setting a bad example for the future as palace hos and eunuchs got their chance to rule behind the sultan's skirts, er, whatever they wear in the Sultanate of Women, while military affairs were left to viziers. Note that when the Turks took Temesvar in 1552, they allowed large numbers of Spanish Jews fleeing the Catholic Inquisition to immigrate. As you could probably guess, it wasn't long before one made it to a place behind the sultan's throne, Spanish Marrano Jewish financier Don Joseph Nasi (1524-79), who became the sultan's diplomatic rep. and was appointed duke of Tiberias, soon working with his super-rich aunt Dona Gracia Mendes Nasi (1510-69) to finance the rebuilding of Tiberias in Palestine as a center for Jewish learning in 1561, and unsuccessfully trying to resettle Jews there only to come up against Muslim anti-Semitism and the pesky Venetians, maybe this is where the Jews decided to play both sides of the great divide against the middle in order to angle for a new Israel. When Prince Eugene of Savoy took Temesvar back in 1716, and ordered all the Jews out as Turkish spies in 1718, Europe got the Jewish PC professor.

Sultan Mehmed III (1566-1603) Sophia Baffo (1550-1605) Sultan Murad III (1546-95)

This pesky and stubborn defense of Christian Europe for Buddha, er, Christ caused the sultans to give up and decide their empire was big enough for the time being, giving the West a much-needed breathing space to ramp up their hi tech military with all the New World wealth. Not that Dark Turban's successors didn't make their try, especially sultan (1595-1603) Mehmed III (1566-1603), who defeated Austria-Hungary and Germany on Oct. 24-26, 1596 at the Battle of Kerestes just as they were about to defeat him and kick his Quran asses out of Bulgaria and half of Hungary. Speaking of the sultancy degenerating because of harem poontang and eunuchs, when Mehmed III's daddy sultan (1574-95) Murad III (1546-95) died, he invited his 19 brothers (all sons of harem slave girls like him, ages 11 and under) to the palace and had them strangled with silk cords by deaf mutes to get rid of competition, the Ottoman law providing for the royal right of fratricide. He then clogged up the Bosphorus with the bodies of his daddy's pregnant mistresses, and enjoyed watching women's breasts scorched off with hot irons while orgying 24/7/365. Meanwhile his Venetian mommy Sofia (Sophia) ("the light or pure one") Baffo (1550-1603) (a gorgeous blonde who was captured in the 1560s and turned into a harem girl then worked her way up 6 inches at a time, becoming Murad III's main squeeze and real ruler, and even got away with accepting a carriage from Queen Elizbeth I of England in 1599 and riding around in it with the windows covered) continued to rule the Ottoman Empire behind the scenes, and ended the traditional practice of sending princes to governorships along with the need for fratricide with the supposedly more humane Golden Cage or Kafe in the 400-room Ottoman Imperial Harem (Seraglio) in Topkapi Palace in Constantinople, where all Turkish princes were caged and served by deaf-mute eunuchs in order to ensure that they became totally degenerate ignoramus incompetent ninkompoops unable to plot to take over, although when the sultan died one of the degenerate Muslim monkeys had to be let out to become the new sultan, man I want to see another Turkish caliphate let loose on the Earth. The Seraglio was run by the Chief Black Eunuch (all his gear removed), while the palace bureaucracy was run by the Chief White Eunuch (balls only removed), the idea being that white women won't go for blacks unless and until they can see that their gear is three times as big. As for the Muslim cult bringing a Golden Age of anything but whorehouses, in Jan. 1580 Sultan Murad III ordered the destruction of the astronomical observatory in Constantinople after Muslim religious leaders objected to it.

Akbar the Great (1542-1605) Shah Jahan of India (1592-1666) Taj Mahal Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb of India (1618-1707) Jai Shivaji of India (1627-80) Mughal Emperor Mohammed Shah (1702-48) Nadir Shah of Persia (1688-1747)

Meanwhile the Persian Timurid Muslims finally took over Hindustan in N India in 1526, founding the Mughal Empire, known for its top mogul #3 (1556-1605) Akbar the Great (Jalaluddin Mohammad Akbar) (1542-1605), reaching their peak about 1700, controlling most of India from Bengal in the E to Balochistan in the W, and from Kashmir in the N to the Kaveri Basin in the S, ruling over 1.5M sq. mi. (4M sq. km) and 110M-130 victims until it began to crumble starting in 1725 under the weight of the Hindu Maratha Empire (1674-1820) in India, the Muslim Pashtun Durrani Empire (1747-1823) in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and the Sikh Empire (1733-1849) in NW India, allowing New Kid on the Block Britain to split it up along with them. Akbar the Great started out as a Muslim ruling a Buddhist nation from the city of Agra S of the Himalayas, going on to extend the empire S to the Deccan while fostering the arts, architecture, and poetry, and trying unsuccessfully to establish a syncretistic court religion bringing the different religions of India together, sponsoring open court debates between followers of all religions and encouraging free speech and expression, which could have been the big break Islam needed, but today's news sadly proves otherwise? Mughal emperor #5 Shah Jahan (1592-1666) ("King of the World") presided over the Golden Age of Mughal Architecture that produced India's #1 tourist trap the Taj Mahal at Agra. His usurper son, Mughal emperor #6 (1658-1707) Aurangzeb (1618-1707) continued his oppressive Muslim rule, trying to forcibly convert the Hindus to Islam, imposing a poll tax, demolishing Hindu temples, and replacing them with mosques, pissing them all off bigtime; meanwhile on Aug. 16, 1666 one-less-statistic Hindu Maratha king Jai Shivaji (1627-80), knowing he was facing execution at any time, escaped from house arrest in Agra by pretending to be ill and sending out large baskets filled with sweets to be distributed among the poor, then hiding (along with his son) in them to get past the guards; now quite pissed, he banged a gong, reorganized his army, began building a naval force, then captured Chittagong, regaining all the lost territory by 1668, after which the Marathas started India's longest war in 1681 with them, which they won in 1707 after pioneering guerrilla warfare - imagine basing a religion on a big black rock in the desert, it should be based on a river? On Feb. 13, 1739 the Mughals under emperor #12 (1719-48) Mohammed (Muhammad) Shah (1702-48) were decisively defeated by the Persians under shah (1736-47) Nadir (Nader) Shah (1688-1747) ("the Napoleon of Persia") at the Battle of Karnal 68 mi. N of Delhi; on Mar. 11 the Persians occupied Delhi and massacred 30K-110K, yes, the Religion of Peace loves to slaughter their own when booty is at stake, causing Mohammed Shah to beg for mercy and hand over the keys to the royal treasury, after which strutting Nadir Shah left on May 5 with plunder incl. the totally tacky Peacock Throne, and the Koh-i-Noor (Pers. "mountain of light") Diamond, stopping taxation in Persia for three years after he returned. At this point you can stick the Mughal Empire with a fork. The last king Bahadur Zafar Shah II was cornered in Delhi, captured and exiled after the 1857 Sepoy Rebellion, ask Queen Victoria about it.

Speaking of why Allah isn't so Akbar in our modern world, during Emperor Akbar's reign, Indian Sufi scholar Shaykh Ahmad Sirhindi (1564-1624), became known as "the Reviver of the Second Millennium" for rejuvenating Indian Islam's wellsprings of intolerance and hate, leaving many Religion of Peace Soundbytes that keep Islam so anally retentive, incl.: "Sharia can be fostered through the sword." "Kafirs and Islam are opposed to each other. The progress of one is possible only at the expense of the other, and coexistence between these two contradictory faiths is unthinkable." "The honor of Islam lies in insulting kafirs. One who respects kafirs dishonors Muslim... They should be kept at arms length like dogs." "The real purpose of levying jizya is to humiliate them to such an extent that on account of fear of jizya they will not be able to dress well and live in grandeur. They should constantly remain terrified and trembling. It is intended to hold them under contempt and to uphold the honor and might of Islam." "Whenver a Jew is killed, it is for the benefit of Islam." This without probably ever seeing one. It would be so nice to see a few million Indian Muslims moving West each year with this Religion of Peace thang implanted firmly in their noodles, right?

In 1530 Juan de la Barrera of Seville, Spain began transporting African slaves directly from Africa to the New World, bypassing Europe, starting a stampede; a significant percentage were Muslim, but they had to convert to Christianity or face death; the African slave trade will eventually bring 10M slaves to America. Also starting around 1530, Quran-thumping Barbary Pirates began raiding the coasts of continental Europe and Britain, kidnapping 1.25M Christian men, women, and children by 1789 when the U.S. put an end to it. According to observers by the early 1600s there were around 35K Euro slaves in the Barbary Coast towns of Tripoli, Tunis, and Algiers at any one time. Between 1609-16 Islamic slavers captured almost 500 British vessels, plus 27 from Plymouth in 1625. But I'm getting ahead.

Barbarossa II Hayreddin Pasha (1478-1546) Pope Paul III (1468-1549) Italian Adm. Andrea Dorea (1539-1606) Piyale Pasha (1515-78) Ottoman Adm. Dragut Reis (1485-1565) Island of Djerba

In the last days of the Suleiman I the Magnificent era, the Christians began a long hard attempt to retake the Mediterranean so that it would become a Christian rather than Muslim lake. In Apr. 1534 an 80-ship Ottoman fleet led by Lesbos-born Turkish privateer adm. Barbarossa (Redbeard) II Hayreddin Pasha (1478-1546) recaptures Coron, Patras, and Lepanto from the Spaniards, then crosses the Strait of Messina in July, capturing a large number of ships around Reggio Calabria as well as the Castle of San Lucido, then destroys the port of Cetraro, and in July attacks Campagnia, sacking Capri and Procida and bombarding the ports of Naples; not done yet, in Aug. he attacks Lazio and Gaeta and works his way up the Tiber River, causing the church bells of Rome to sound an alarm; he then turns S, attacks Ponza, Sicily, and Sardinia, then captures Tunis in N Africa in Aug. from Hafsin Sultan Mulei Hassan, who asks HRE Charles V to plan a counterattack; Barbarossa also captures the strategic Tunisian port of La Goulette, and waits for the emperor to bring it on. In May 1535 after Barbarossa high-tails it out of N Africa to the Tyrrhenian Sea, entrenching himself in Capri and building a fort, a Spanish-Italian force of 300 galleys and 24K soldiers under Adm. Andrea Dorea recaptures Tunis, Bone (Annaba) and Mahdiya, and frees 20K Christian slaves for a giant V for Christ against Muhammad; meanwhile Francesco Maria dies without heirs, and Charles V gains control of Milan, starting yet another war with Francis I of France (ends 1538); meanwhile fidgety Barbarossa raids coastal Algiers and Spain, destroys the ports of Majorca and Minorca, captures several Spanish and Genoese galleys and liberates their Muslim slaves, and in Sept. repulses a Spanish attack on Tlemcen in NW Algeria. In July 1536 Barbarossa, who was called back to Istanbul last year to form a naval fleet to attack the Hapsburg kingdom of Naples captures Otranto, followed by the Castro Fortress and the city of Ugento in Puglia. In Aug. 1537 a huge Ottoman fleet led by adm. Barbarossa and adm. Lutfi Pasha (1488-1563) captures the Aegean and Ionian islands of the Repub. of Venice, incl. Syros, Aegina, Ios, Paros, Tinos, Karpathos, Kasos, and Naxos, then captures Corfu and raids Calabria, all of which pisses-off Pope (since 1534) Paul III (1468-1549) (first pope of the Counter-Reformation), who calls for a Holy League against the *?!*? infidels; Venetian-born Cecilia Venier Baffo (1525-83), niece of Venetian Doge Sebastiano Venier is captured on Paros and taken to Istanbul, where in 1574 she becomes Valide sultan (co-regent) Nur-Banu ("Princess of Light"), #1 wife of Sultan Selim II and mother of Murad III. In Feb. 1538 Pope Paul III assembles the Holy League consisting of the papacy, Spain, the HRE, the Repub. of Venice, and the Maltese Knights to fight the infidel Muslim Ottoman fleet. On Sept. 28, 1538 the Battle of Preveza in NW Greece between the Ottomans under Adm. Hayreddin Barbarossa and the Holy League under Adm. Andrea Doria (1466-1560) is a V for the Ottomans, securing Turkish dominance of the Mediterranean for 33 years (until 1571); one tiny bright spot for Christ, the Venetians capture Castelnuovo (Herceg Novi) in the Bay of Kotor in Montenegro (until 1539). In 1551 getting pissed-off at Hospitaller attacks on Turkish ships, 12K Ottoman Janissaries on 112 galleys and two galleasses under adm. Dragut (Turgut) Reis (1485-1565) (successor of Khaireddin) and fleet adm. (Kapudan Pasha) Sinan (Sinanuddin Yusuf) Pasha (-1553) attack Venice, followed by Augusta, Sicily, followed by Port Marsa Muscietto, Malta, sieging the citadels of Birgu, Senglea, and Mdina, but fail to capture it, instead capturing the sister island of Gozo and taking 5K POWs as slaves; in Aug. they capture Tripoli from the Knights of St. John under cmdr. Gaspare de Villers, who is taken POW along with several knights, who are later released after intervention by French ambassador Gabriel d'Aramon (-1553); after the entire Ottoman fleet abandons Sinan Pasha on the shore and follow Turgut Reis into the Tyrrhenian Sea, causing Sinan to accuse them of mutiny and treason until Sultan Suleiman I orders him to "do whatever Turgut says", Dragut becomes Ottoman gov. of Tripoli (ends 1711) - the idea of a Masonic-run empire in America with its own Marines who can storm the shores of Tripoli takes shape now? On May 9-14, 1560 the naval Battle of Djerba saw the Turks under adm. Piyale (Piali) Pasha (1515-78) and adm. (Tripoli pasha) Dragut (Turgut) Reis (1485-1565) defeat the mainly Spanish Holy League fleet under Italian Genoese adm. Giovanni Andrea Doria (1539-1606), great-nephew of old fart adm. Andrea Dorea near Djerba Island off Tunisia, sinking half its 120 ships, then taking the Spanish fort at Djerba after a 3-mo. siege. After taking 5K POWs, the Ottoman reps of the Muslim religion of love and peace of today massacred them in cold blood, the bones forming 20-ft.-high Skull Fort, which lasted three centuries, pretty hard to cover up, book your reservations now, maybe there's a dark cave with Talking Allah inside. On May 18-Sept. 11, 1565 the Great Siege of Malta saw the Ottomans unsuccessfully try to take Malta from the Hospitallers (Order of St. John) under grandmaster (since 1557) Jean Parison de la Valette (1494-1568); the Battle of Malta (the last battle of the Crusades?) ended cross-slappin' happily for the Crusaders with the arrival of Spanish troops, forcing the Turks to abandon their siege after losing 25K-35K, vs. 2.5K troops, 500 slaves, and 7K civilians for the Christians, after which the siege became one of the most celebrated events of the cent. in Christendom, ending the aura of Ottoman invincibility and beginning the era of Spanish domination of the Mediterranean. Finally, the new riches from America and hard lessons learned to never give an inch to an Allah Akbar finally changed the odds in their favor. The 9/11 attack was meant to get even for this D along with the one in Vienna in 1683?

The Coppertone Girl Nicolaus Copernicus (1473-1543) Georg Joachim Rheticus (1514-74) Andreas Osiander (1498-1552)

The original Coppertone Baby kept his ass out of the Sun on purpose? On May 24 (May 14 Old Style), 1543 (Mon.) Nicolaus Copernicus (Lat. "copper worker") (b. 1473) dies in Frombork, Poland after allegedly awakening from a stroke-induced coma long enough to view the first printed copy of his magnum opus Six Books on the Revolutions of the Celestial Orbits (De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium), advancing the Heliocentric Theory (which he had shelved, claiming it to be incomplete or even erroneous, but more likely afraid of Catholic reprisals?), which was pushed through the press by his one and only pupil Georg Joachim Rheticus (Rhaeticus) (von Lauchen) (d. 1574) (a Lutheran math prof. whose father had been executed for heresy), and is pub. posth. in safe Protestant Nuremberg; it is (fawningly?) dedicated to Pope Paul III, and incl. a cautious (mendacious?) Preface by Andreas Osiander (1498-1552) of Konigsberg, stating that the revolution of the Earth is a mere mathematical convenience and not necessarily a physical fact (although Coppertone Baby had considered it otherwise?); "There have already been widespread reports about the novel hypotheses of this work, which declares that the Earth moves whereas the Sun is at rest in the center of the Universe. Hence certain scholars, I have no doubt, are deeply offended and believe that the liberal arts, which were established long ago on a sound basis, should not be thrown into confusion. But if these men are willing to examine the matter closely, they will find that the author of this work has done nothing blameworthy. For it is the duty of an astronomer to compose the history of the celestial motions through careful and expert study. Then he must conceive and devise the causes of these motions or hypotheses about them. Since he cannot in any way attain to the true causes, he will adopt whatever suppositions enable the motions to be computed correctly from the principles of geometry for the future as well as for the past. The present author has performed both these duties excellently. For these hypotheses need not be true nor even probable. On the contrary, if they provide a calculus consistent with the observations, that alone is enough. Perhaps there is someone who is so ignorant of geometry and optics that he regards the epicyclc of Venus as probable, or thinks that it is the reason why Venus sometimes precedes and sometimes follows the Sun by forty degrees and even more. Is there anyone who is not aware that from this assumption it necessarily follows that the diameter of the planet at perigee should appear more than four times, and the body of the planet more than sixteen times, as great as at apogee?"; the kind of reception awaiting Copernicus' followers is shown right away, when the first Auto da Fe, AKA Act of Faith, or burning alive of heretics (Protestants) by the Spanish Inquisition dressed in weird sinister hoods takes place in 1543 in the island of Goa (goa to Hell, you heretics?), and Pope Paul III issues his first Index Librorum Prohibitorum (Index of Prohibited Books); each lucky heretic gets to wear a black sanbenito painted with flames and devils to his own BBQ - toast them marshmallows on a stick, hooray for Christ?

On Jan. 26, 1565 the Hindu Vijayanagra Empire suffered a disastrous defeat by invaders from the Muslim sultanates of the Deccan to the N at the Battle of Talikota, and the royal capital of Vijayanagra was destroyed, greatly weakening the empire.

Pope Pius V (1504-72) Battle of Lepanto, Oct. 7, 1571 Don John (Juan) of Austria (1547-78) Turkish Adm. Muezzinzade Ali Pasha (-1571) Ottoman Adm. Uluj Ali Reis (1519-87) Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616) Club Med

On Aug. 3, 1571 after an 11-mo. siege, 70K Turks captured Famagusta, capital and chief city of Cyprus, and massacred its pop.; on Oct. 7, 1571 after Pope (1566-72) Pius V (1504-72) signed the Holy League Alliance with Spain and Venice, 200 Spanish and Venetian galleys under 24-y.-o. Don John (Juan) of Austria (1547-78) (half-brother of Philip II of Spain, and illegitimate son of HRE Charles V) defeated the 230-galley Turkish fleet at the 6-hour Battle of Lepanto (Naupactos) in a bay at the mouth of the Gulf of Patras (entrance to the Gulf of Corinth) off Lepanto in W Greece (biggest naval battle in Mediterranean history?) (last major naval battle fought exclusively by rowing vessels?) just before 5 p.m., with 12K Christian casualties vs. 6K Muslim POWs taken and 30K of 56K killed, incl. Turkish fleet grand adm. Muezzinzade Ali Pasha aboard his ship, becoming the first defeat of Muslims by Christians on the sea, a big V for Western military technology, and the beginning of the end of the Ottoman naval threat in the C Mediterranean, destroying the myth of their invicibility, although both fleets are heavily damaged and the Ottomans speedily rebuild their fleet and restore their supremacy on the W and E sides; Spanish writer Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (1547-1616) is wounded in the battle, calling it "the most noble and memorable event that past centuries have seen or future generations can ever hope to witness"; Italian-born Muslim convert Ottoman adm. Uluj Ali Reis (Giovanni Diongini Galeni) (1519-87) captured the flagship of the Maltese Knights along with its great banner before gathering the fleet's remaining 87 ships and returning to Constantinople, getting promoted on Oct. 29 to grand adm.; since most of the Ottoman sailors had been sent home for winter and the rest were involved in political squabbles, and the Christians outnumbered them, it was an overrated V for Christ?; the failures of war galleys cause their use to decline as better designs are sought and bigger vessels built; many Muslim POWs are taken and used to man Christian oars. Bald, white-bearded future saint Pope Pius V allegedly saw the V in a vision in Rome at the exact moment it happened, ascribing it to intercession by Our Lady the Virgin Mary, even though he wasn't informed of it officially until Oct. 21, Playtex, who knows you like we do?

Queen Elizabeth I of England (1533-1603) William Shakespeare (1564-1616) Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)

By the way, Pitiless Five-O is the same pope who in 1570 excommunicated English king Henry VIII's daughter Queen (1558-1603) Elizabeth I (1533-1603), "the Virgin Queen", calling for all true Roman Catholics to kill the "serpent of wickedness", which led to a 400-year culture war between the Protestant English and Catholic Spanish, with Protestant England surviving instant extinction by winning a decisive V against the Spanish Armada in 1588, then taking over half the world for the white-is-right language and race of William Shakespeare (1564-1616) before the even whiter and righter Germans could stop them, maybe he was right. Speaking of Spanish Shakespeare, future "Don Quixote" author Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616), who was wounded in the Battle of Lepanto called it "The most noble and memorable event that past centuries have seen or future generations can ever hope to witness". The technological superiority of the West now became their blessing and curse, as they began to rely on it more and more to take on enemies who surrounded and outbred them, requiring each Western soldier to have to be able to take out dozens, hundreds, thousands to survive and thrive, no wonder they love the hero stories and even consider Terminator to be a hero. By the way, Virgin Queen Elizabeth I was a typical Euro Islam history ignoramus, who tried diplomatically courting Sultan Murad III, claiming that Islam and Protestantism had "much more in common than either did with Roman Catholicism, as both rejected the worship of idols", sending munitions to them and proposing a military alliance against Spain, imagine if they could just walk in and set up shop again, oh, they are.

Ottoman Adm. Cigalazade Yusuf Sinan Pasha (1545-1605) Ottoman Adm. Uluj Ali Reis (1519-87) Chunk Light Tuna

Not that the Turkish navy was anywhere near kaput yet: they got secret veapons, namely, Italian and Sicilian admirals that started out as Christian boys who were turned into Janissaries so they could work for their team in turbans. On Aug. 25, 1574 250-300 Turkish galleys with 75K-100K men under the command of Sicilian-born Muslim convert adm. Cigalazade Yusuf Sinan Pasha (Scipione Cicala) (1545-1605) and Italian-born Muslim convert adm. Uluj Ali Reis (Giovanni Diongini Galeni) (1519-87) captured the port of La Goleta in Tunisia, followed on Sept. 13 by Tunis, ending the Spanish Conquest of North Africa begun by Ferdinand II and Isabella I, and insuring Ottoman domination of the E and C Maghreb.

Prince Michael the Brave of Wallachia (1558-1601) Sigismund Bathory of Transylvania (1572-1613)

In Sept. 1593 turban-wearing Michael the Brave (1558-1601) was created prince of Wallachia by the Ottoman sultan, then floppedon him, joining the Christian alliance of Euro powers, signing treaties with Sigismund (Zsigmond) Bathory (1572-1613) of Transylvania and Aron Tiranul ("the Tyrant") of Moldavia, and attacking citadels around the Danube Valley.

Prince Stefan Razvan of Moldavia (-1595)

On May 24, 1595 (June 3 Old Style) after Sigismund Bathory removed Aron Tiranul from power and replaced him as prince (voivode) of Moldavia by Stefan Razvan (-1595) (until Aug.), with the Treaty of Alba Iulia with Prince (since 1593) Michael the Brave (1558-1601) of Wallachia, placing the former Ottoman vassal principality of Moldavia under Razvan's overlordship; in Aug. Razvan signed a similar treaty in Alba Iulia with the Wallachians, becoming de facto prince of Transylvania, Wallachia and Maladavia, pissing-off the Polish-Lithuanian nobles, and on Aug. 23 (Aug. 13 Old Style) the Battle of Calugareni near the Neajilov River, was a V for the 15K-man army of Michael the Brave over 100K invading Turks under Sinan Pasha in Wallachia, after which Michael the Brave joined Bathory's 40K-man army led by Stephen Bocskay, and they went on to free Targoviste (Oct. 8), Bucharest (Oct. 12), then Braila, culuminating on Oct. 27-30 in a Christian V at the Battle of Giurgiu, catching the retreating Ottomans trying to use the same bridge over the Danube River they came in over, freeing Wallachia from Ottoman rule.

But the horrible Ottomans still had a grim grip on the Balkans. In 1598 the Orthodox Christian Bulgarians attempted a revolt in the First Tarnovo Uprising, only to get crushed, then did ditto in the Second Tarnovo Uprising in 1686. Meanwhile the Spanish founded a fort in Zamboanga in Mindanao, Philippines in 1635, but abandoned it in 1663, allowing a swarm of Muslim states to consolidate their power in the south.

Not that Liz didn't have her reasons. With the Muslims neutralized in West Europe, and still lapping at the edge of East Europe, the Protestants and Roman Catholics were free to have it out, resulting in the destructive Thirty Years' War of 1618, which ended with a permanent truce in the 1648 Peace of Westphalia, ending the Thirty Years' War in Germany and the Eighty Years' War in the Netherlands.

Georgian Queen Ketevan the Martyr (1565-1624)

On Sept. 13, 1624 after refusing to convert to Islam, Persian shah Abbas I had Christian Georgian Queen Ketevan the Martyr (b. 1565) tortured to death with red-hot pincers, I'm hot for teacher, whoa.

John Milton (1608-74)

In 1644 while the Muslim World continued in the darkness of Islam, Allah-free English lit. giant John Milton (1608-74) came out with Areopagitica: A Speech of Mr. John Milton for the Liberty of Unlicensed Printing to the Parliament of England, with the classic arguments for freedom of thought, speech, and the press, which had a whopping effect throughout the entire West that might be said to have ended the religious control of the mind, while of course the Muslim World still tried to stroke Muhammad's beard while keeping their mouths shut. "Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties." "[A]s good almost kill a man as kill a good book. Who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book, kills reason itself, kills the image of God, as it were in the eye." "For books are not absolutely dead things, but do contain a potency of life in them to be as active as that soul whose progeny they are; nay, they do preserve as in a vial the purest efficacy and extraction of that living intellect that bred them." "[T]hough all the winds of doctrine were let loose to play on the earth, so Truth be in the field, we do injuriously, by licensing and prohibiting, to misdoubt her strength. Let her and Falsehood grapple; who ever knew Truth put to the worse, in a free and open encounter?" Yes, most of his arguments stand without reference to any God or gods, but that didn't stop him from tipping his hat to the Christian god: "Truth indeed came once into the world with her divine Master, and was a perfect shape most glorious to look on: but when he ascended, and his Apostles after him were laid asleep, then straight arose a wicked race of deceivers, who, as that story goes of the Egyptian Typhon with his conspirators, how they dealt with the good Osiris, took the virgin Truth, hewed her lovely form into a thousand pieces, and scattered them to the four winds. From that time ever since, the sad friends of Truth, such as durst appear, imitating the careful search that Isis made for the mangled body of Osiris, went up and down gathering up limb by limb, still as they could find them. We have not yet found them all, Lords and Commons, nor ever shall do, till her Master's second coming." Nevermind that Milton died at the ripe old age of 66 - minus 1 month and 1 day (Dec. 9, 1608 - Nov. 8, 1674).

1666 Great Fire of London, 1666 Sabbatai Zevi (1626-76) Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727) Baruch de Spinoza (1632-77) 1666

In 1666 Millennium Fever hit the Christian world again, and this time Smyrna-born Qabbalistic Jewish rabbi Sabbatai (Shabbethai) Zevi (1626-76) milked it for all it was worth, proclaiming himself the Messiah in 1648, moving to Cairo and getting rich, proclaiming himself again in 1665 in Aleppo, Syria in a Jewish synagogue, making him famous throughout Europe and causing groupies from as far away as France to arrive. Too bad, in the Big Year 1666 he made the mistake of going to Constantinople to crown himself sultan with the help of Jehovah, who didn't go along with it, and he was arrested and imprisoned, but bribed his way out, and escaped beheading by pretending to convert to Islam and donning a turban, which pleased the real sultan, who made him the royal doorkeeper, but after he was caught trying to convert Muslims to Judaism on the sly, he was banished to Montenegro until he croaked, after which his diehard followers continued his Sabbatean Cult to this day, with 100K true believers in today's Turkey, some of whom were alleged to be behind Zionism and Freemasonry, stay forever young.

By the way, 1666 was another big Millennium Fever year that was fueled by the Great London Fire of 1666, but it was also the Annus Mirabilis of the #1 scientist of all time (like TLW, ever-single but unable to stop his giant brain from having constant lightning storms, so what woman could have stood him?) Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727), when he had the episode with the apple in his mommy's orchard in Lincolnshire and discovered the basic physical laws of the Universe, friction equals male organ times apple, he had his brains on the problem, stop using your hands and use your head. Oh yes, Newton was a secret Arian, leaving a Bible-thumping treatise preaching against the Trinity along with his trunk full of alchemical researches, call him the Middle Man, one foot in the stuperstitious past, the other in the Allah-free George Jetson future, pass the Fig Newtons and Vaseline. But even a brainy English goy needs help if he's going to get to the Chosen People. Lucky for Newton, about the same time as him, Baruch (Benedict) de Spinoza (1632-77), a Dutch philosopher of Portuguese Jewish origin created a rationalistic atheistic-pantheistic version of Judaism, incl. modern Biblical criticism, taking on the age-old mind-body dualism in his posthumous "Ethics", and perhaps doing more to create the modern secular Westerner than anybody because he caused an exodus of the brainiest Jews from the theological and philosophical camp to the scientific camp just as the horrible Ottoman Empire was being rendered impotent militarily. Lucky for us Westerners, the Jews were living on our side of the Christian-Muslim divide by then.

1683 Vienna 1683 Polish Hussars Polish King Jan III Sobieski (1629-96) Duke Charles V of Lorraine (1643-90) Louis XIV of France (1638-1715) Count Imre Thokoly of Hungary (1657-1705) Sultan Mehmed IV (1642-93) Coffee - Drink Up

Which brings us the watershed year 1683. After a thousand years of Islamic terrorist attacks on innocent Christian Europe since Maddass M's Death in 632, giving the West time to pass them up permanently in military technology, on Sept. 11-12, 1683 the Battle of Vienna (Kahlenberg) was a giant V for a combined army of 84K Roman Catholic and Protestant troops, led by Roman Catholic Polish King Jan (John) III Sobieski (1629-96) and his 3K mounted Winged Hussars, along with Roman Catholic Austrian Hapsburg Duke Charles V of Lorraine (1643-90), who kicked the butts of 150K-250K Muslim losers under sultan (1648-87) Mehmed IV (1642-93), leaving 10K Muslims dead and 5K wounded, and 5K taken POW, while losing only 2K Christians dead and 2.5K wounded. In the interest of forgetting their religious differences while throwing out the Saracens, the Catholic battle cry of "Maria help" was modified to a combo Catholic-Protestant battle cry of "Jesus and Maria help", there wasn't a dry eye in the house, despite Catholic Hapsburg-hating French king (1643-1715) Louis XIV (1638-1715) refusing to send help, and Protestant Hapsburg-hating Hungarian Count Imre Thokoly (1657-1705) aiding the Turks in hopes of becoming their vassal prince of Transylvania. After Buda was retaken in 1686 and the pesky Jews (who sided with the Turks) kicked out, the Ottomans were then thrown out of Hungary hopefully for good on Aug. 12, 1687 in the Second Battle of Mohacs with 60K Christian soldiers kicking the butts of 60K Muslim soldiers and losing only 600 vs. 10K Turks, after which the pesky Muslims never again attempted to subjugate Europe militarily, although they left all the other options on the table incl. mass migration to just take it over without firing a shot, giving illegal immigrants a bad name, just give me a generation of Islam history ignoramuses and PC professors. Meanwhile they did give the West one good thing, coffee, drink up, professor.

Islam in the Rearview Mirror? Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) Nicolaus Copernicus (1473-1543) William Gilbert (1544-1603) Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) Johannes Kepler (1571-1630) Rene Descartes (1596-1650) Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727) Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz (1646-1716) Carl Linnaeus (1707-78) Antoine Laurent Lavoisier (1743-94) Jons Jakob Berzelius (1779-1848) Michael Faraday (1791-1867) Gregor Johann Mendel (1822-84) Louis Pasteur (1822-95) James Clerk Maxwell (1831-79) Dmitri Mendeleyev (1834-1907) Albert Einstein (1879-1955) Niels Bohr (1885-1962) Johannes Gutenberg (1398-1468) Anton van Leeuwenhoek (1632-1723) Benjamin Franklin (1706-90) Alessandro Volta (1745-1827) Robert Fulton (1765-1815) Louis Daguerre (1787-1851) Charles Babbage (1791-1871) Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922) Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) Rudolf Diesel (1858-1913) Marie Curie (1867-1934) Guglielmo Marconi (1874-1937) Wright Brothers Robert H. Goddard (1882-1945) Philo Taylor Farnsworth (1906-71) George Reeves (1914-59) as Superman Shoe Bomber

The Sept. 12, 1683 Battle of Vienna represents the year that the Muslim World's existential military threat to the West ended, and the West began to leave it and its population and its stinking Allah along with the Medieval Ages in the rearview mirror as the ass-crack-sniffing Islamic world failed to keep pace with the West, not only in science and technology, but in all key aspects, incl. the construction of public clocks, implementation of standardized linear measurements, and modernization in general, compounded by pervasive autocracy. The 1648 Peace of Westphalia left fledgling Western Science pretty much free to romp unmolested by any organized religion, helped by an internat. science community that encouraged nation-hopping, Age of Reason launched by Rene Descartes in the early 1600s, followed by the Age of Enlightenment, it immediately began producing a long ever-growing line of super scientists building on the work of Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) of Italy (read the catalog), Nicolaus Copernicus (1473-1543) of Poland (heliocentric theory), William Gilbert (1544-1603) of England (electricity and magnetism), Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) of Italy (theory of momentum), and Johannes Kepler (1571-1630) of Germany (laws of the Solar System), incl. Rene Descartes (1596-1650) of France (analytical geometry and rationalism in philosophy), Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727) of England (law of gravitation, optics, calculus), Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz (1646-1716) of Germany (modern notation for calculus et al.), Carl Linnaeus (1707-78) of Sweden (biological classification and nomenclature), Antoine Lavoisier (1743-94) of France (law of mass conservation, metric system), Jons Jakob Berzelius (1779-1848) of Sweden (chemical formula notation), Michael Faraday (1791-1867) of England (electromagnetic induction, electrolysis), Gregor Johann Mendel (1822-84) of Austria (genetics), Louis Pasteur (1822-95) of France (germ theory of disease), James Clerk Maxwell (1831-79) of Scotland (electromagnetic field theory), Dmitri Mendeleyev (1834-1907) of Russia (Periodic Table of the Elements), Albert Einstein (1879-1955) of Austria/U.S. (photoelectric effect, mass-energy equivalence, relativity theory), and Niels Bohr (1885-1962) of Denmark (quantum theory), the honor list grows exponentially, no Muslims but scads of Christians and Jews on it, gee, Allah, what happened, they were all infidels and should have been beheaded by your faithful Muslim fucktards so we could continue to grovel in the Muslim Golden Age of cubic equations and the search for the process for transmuting lead to gold, if I get a broken back will I still be able to walk? And then there's the applied scientists and inventors, who contributed to the Industrial Revolution in the late 18th and 19th centuries, incl. Johannes Gutenberg (1398-1468) of Germany (printing press), Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) of Italy (already mentioned) (telescope), Anton van Leeuwenhoek (1632-1723) of the Netherlands (microscope), Benjamin Franklin (1706-90) of the U.S. (electricity), Alessandro Volta (1745-1827) of Italy (electric battery), Robert Fulton (1765-1815) of the U.S. (steamboat), Louis Daguerre (1787-1851) of France (photography), Charles Babbage (1791-1871) of England (computer), Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922) of Scotland (telephone), Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) of the U.S. (light bulb, phonograph, moving pictures), Rudolf Diesel (1858-1913) of Germany (diesel engine), Marie Curie (1867-1934) of France and Poland (radioactivity) (what happened Allah, I thought you made all of the menstruating women of the world stupid?), Guglielmo Marconi (1874-1937) of Italy (radio), the Wright Brothers of the U.S. (airplane), Robert Hutchings Goddard (1882-1945) of the U.S. (rockets), Philo Taylor Farnsworth (1906-71) of the U.S. (TV). Where are the Muslim inventors? Oh yes, the auto clit slicing machine, the Wifi chastity belt, the IED, the butt bomb and shoe bomb, the Black Hole of Calcutta, all invented by Mohamed something. And I don't have enough megabytes available to cover Western art, literature, music, etc., while on the Muslim side there's about enough to fill a donkey cart, and anything good in it is probably by secular or skeptical or ex-Muslims.

On Dec. 9, 1714 the Seventh Ottoman-Venetian War (ends 1718) began when the Ottoman Empire declared war on Venice after they seized an Ottoman ship belonging to grand vizier Damad Hasan Pasha and granted sanctuary to Montenegro Prince-Bishop Danilo I, assembling an army of 70K in Macedonia along with 80 ships under Adm. Canum Hoca to take on Venice's 80K men and 42 ships under Capt. Daniel Delfin; the Ottomans started out successful in Greece and Crete, until on Apr. 5 1716 HRE Charles VI of Austria declared war on Turkey, and on Aug. 5 Austrian troops under Prince Eugene of Savoy (Savoy-Carignan) (1663-1736) kicked the Turks' butts at the Battle of Petrovaradin (Peterwardein) in Serbia, after which in mid-Oct. the Banat capital of Temesvar, the last Turkish bastion in Hungary (taken in 1552) fell, forcing the Turks to sign the Treaty of Passarowitz (Pozarevac) between Turkey, Venice, and Austria ends the Seventh Ottoman-Venetian War (begun 1714); Banat, Lesser Walachia, and N Serbia, incl. Belgrade are lost by the Ottomans to the Hapsburgs of Austria, halting their westward expansion; too bad, Turkey is given full possession of Greece, and they partition it into districts ruled by autocratic govs. who oppress Greek Christians, causing klepht guerrillas to take to the mountains and Greek pirates to hold out on the Aegean while an underground Greek independence movement looks to Russia for aid; meanwhile Ibrahim becomes Ahmed III's chief advisor, and encourages the spread of learning and libraries, and the promotion of Greek Phanariots to high places. In 1718 all the Jews were expelled from Temesvar as spies.

Peter I the Great of Russia (1672-1725) Prince Eugene of Savoy (1663-1736) Nuclear Wessels

But the Ottoman Empire wasn't kaput yet, and the Islamic clerics who really ran the show weren't about to chuck the basic problem of horrible Islam just to let their people have a happy prosperous society when they still had plenty of mentally enslaved manpower who thought living a life of Hell on Earth and dying in horrible pointless jihads was worth them 72 white quinnies, the cousins, the ants, the France, and after the Russians under 7-ft.-tall (but skinny) Tsar (1682-1725) Peter I the Great (1672-1725) attempted to modernize their military then tried to kick their butts in the Russo-Turkish War of 1710-1, only to get theirs kicked, and lucked out with easy peace terms when the Turks could have captured him and kept Russia down, it might have been a bribe who can prove it in court, the Turks decided to take back Hungary for Allah and avenge Big Hurt 1683, starting the Austrian-Turkish War of 1716-8, in which Prince Eugene of Savoy (Savoy-Carignan) (1663-1736) showed the turkeys how far behind they had fallen during all them prayers by kicking their 120K-man army's butts with only 60K men on Aug. 5, 1716 in the Battle of Petrovaradin (Peterwardein) in Serbia, killing 30K Turks as they fled in panic, incl. the grand vizier, how many rolls of Allah Toilet Paper is that and they never saw Europe, after which I already mentioned Savoy took Temesvar in mid-Oct. 1716 and ended 164 years of Turkish rule before going after Belgrade and taking it on Aug. 16, 1717 with his 40K troops, this time routing 200K Turkish buggers whose Allah was no match for good old Chinese gunpowder. At least Peter's attempts to modernize Russia worked slowly but surely, despite the resistance of the Orthodox Church, which even stalled the adoption of the Gregorian Calendar because it was Roman, which is why they now have their own nuclear wessels, see any Star Trek movie. Too bad, Turkey was put up to declaring war on Russia in 1710 by Orthodox Catholic Russia's Protestant enemy Charles XII of Sweden, setting them on a long course of backward jealous Russia, which was slower to give up its retro Christian superstitions vs. leading edge Allah-free freethinking Western Europe, which culiminated in the Cold War between the Christian U.S. and atheist Soviet Union after WWII, which was won by the U.S. after it went more areligious than ever while Russia started to regress back to religion, with Jews ping-ponging from one to the other, countries I mean, but I digress.

Mir Mahmud Hotaki of Afghanistan and Persia (1697-1722) Nader Shah the Great of Persia (1688-1747) Agha Mohammad Khan Qajar of Persia (1742-97) Fath Ali Shah Qajar of Persia (1771-1834) Naser al-Din Shah Qajar of Persia (1829-96) Mozaffar al-Din Shah Qajar of Iran (1853-1907) Mohammad Ali Shah Qajar of Persia (1872-1925) Ahmad Shah Qajar of Persia (1898-1930) Arthur Conolly of Britain (1807-42) Tehran Tehran on da map Middle Eastern ski burqa? Burqa Babe Denver, Colo. Western ski bunny Denver Broncos streaker

Seeing the Ottoman Empire contracting, Peter I the Great began a long-term effort to fill the vacuum and expand to the Persian Gulf so Russia could finally become a world naval power with its nuclear wessels, requiring it to get through pesky Muslim Persia, which like all Muslim countries was on the losing team militarily and stunk like Shiite. In 1694 dwarf (under 3.5'-tall) Soltan Hosein (Hosayn) (1668-1726) became shah of Persia, appointing Shiite cleric Muhammad Baqir al-Majlisi (1616-89) as the first head mullah (mulla bashi), who went on to work to eradicate Sunnis, Sufis, Zoroastrians, Jews, and pesky Christians, and build up the power of the Shiite clergy, making it virtually independent of the ruling govt to this day. In 1722 Afghan Ghilzai Pashtun leader Mir Mahmud Hotaki (1697-1725) of Kandahar invaded Persia and defeated the Persians at the Battle of Gulnabad near Isfahan, then took Isfahan after a 6 mo. siege, causing Husayn to abdicate in his favor, ending Safavid rule in Persia. But his regime was soon ended by Turkish-speaking Sunni Afshar leader Nader (Nadir) Shah the Great (1688-1747), who kicked the Afghans out of Persia in 1729, followed by the Ottomans and Russians, and founded the Afsharid Dynasty in 1736, becoming the Napoleon or Alexander the Great of Persia, the last great Asian conqueror, moving the capital to Mashhad, and going on to extend his conquests beyond the frontiers, starting with Herat and Oman, and going all the way to India, while bankrupting the country with taxes and trying to convert Persia to the Sunni faith by a trick of proposing that a 5th Sunni law school called the ooh-baby-baby Ja'fari School be created to combine them, push it, push it good. Too bad, it didn't push too good, and when he was assassinated in 1747, it was a stillborn baby. Fast forward to 1794, when the Qajar (Ghajar) (Kadjar) Dynasty was founded by Turco-Persian eunuch Muhammad Khan Qajar (1742-97), which lasted until 1925. Despite having no balls, this shah was cruel, crushing Georgia in 1795 and reducing Twoballs, er, Tbilisi to ashes, then moving the capital from Sari to the village of Tehran at the foot of the Tochal Mts. (which became the largest city in the Middle East, known for its immense network of highways, museums, and resorts on the Alborz slopes, call it the Shiite Denver, with ski burqas instead of ski bunnies) before being killed by his servants for threatening to behead them for eating a slice of melon. On June 17, 1797 he was succeeded by his oversexed nephew (700 wives) Fat'h Ali Shah Qajar (1772-1834), who systematically lost battle after battle to the Russians in the Russo-Persian War of 1804-13, flirting with Napoleon in the May 4, 1807 Treaty of Finckenstein, until he made his ultimate mistake in the 1812 French Invasion of Russia and lost his army, causing the shah to boot the French out of Persia and make terms with the British and Russians, resulting in the Treaty of Gulistan of Oct. 24, 1813, which ceded Azerbaijan, Dagheston, and E Georgia to Russia, ending the First Russo-Persian War (begun 1804), and giving Azerbaijan, Daghestan, and E Georgia to Russia, and beginning the Great Game (Tournament of Shadows) between the Russian and British empires for supremacy in C Asia (ends 1907); the name Great Game was coined by British Indian intel officer Arthur Conolly (1807-42). In 1826 the shah tried to take the lost territory back, resulting in the Russo-Persian War of 1826-8, which was a dismal defeat for Persia, which had to pay a 10M ruble indemnity. On Oct. 23, 1834 Abbas Mirza's son Mohammad Shah Qajar (Mirza) (1808-48) became shah, soon dying of gout, and on Sept. 17, 1848 Naser al-Din Shah Qajar (1831-96) took over, stinking the Qajar Dynasty up with a totally dissolute sex life for almost 50 years, allowing Russia to iran all over Persia, occupying the Aral coast in 1849, Tashkent in 1864, Bukhara in 1867, Samarkand in 1868, and Amudarya and Khiva in 1873, culminating in the Treaty of Akhal on Sept. 21, 1881, which ceded the last parts of Khwarezm to Russia, incl. Turkestan and Transoxiania, incl. Merv. On May 1, 1896 Naser al-Din Shah Qajar was assassinated, and his son Mozaffar al-Din Shah Qajar (1853-1907) became shah, doing little if anything for the country while enjoying his wives and boys, and once giving Tehran's main garrison to his boy ho Little Satan while drunk, sparking the Persian Constitutional Revolution, which forced him to sign a constitution complete with a parliament called the Majli. Too bad his son Mohammad Ali Shah Qajar (1872-1925) dissolved the Majli and fought the constitutionalists and lost, abdicating on July 16, 1909 in favor of his son Ahmad Shah Qajar (1898-1930), after which in 1911 Persia became the first Asian nation with a constitution. Ahmad was known for letting Russia achieve ascendancy over Persia while enjoying as many European hos as he could afford, until he was forced into exile in France in 1923 and deposed on Oct. 31, 1925 by Reza Shah Palavi, allowing him to do the wild thing 24/7, dying in 1930 in Paris after once losing and gaining 200 lbs. in a 2-year period. Oh, did I mention that oil was discovered in SW Persia in 1908, followed by Iraq after WWI? Meanwhile, I'll bet you noticed how women are not in the picture except as cattle, harem playmates, and breed mares, I bet you want to let millions of Persians immigrate to your Western country soon so all men can become Bond, James Bond, get out my double oh oh tape measure. Speaking of women going around bikini-proud France in burqas, did I mention that after the atheistic 1789 French Revolution, followed by a religious reaction that stunk itself up with blood and oppression, followed by the triumph of Darwinism, France disestablished the Roman Catholic Church and separated church and state in 1905, then at the same time officially recognized Islam as a religion, tolerating Muslim immigration and setting the pattern for other Euro countries, let's hope it doesn't become their biggest mistake. The popularity of anti-Semitism in France actually caused them to later often side with Arab nations against Israel and the U.S.

King Ibn Saud of Saudi Arabia (1876-1953) King Abdullah I bin al-Hussein of Jordan (1882-1951) Faisal I of Iraq (1885-1933) Sir Alec Guinness (1914-2000)as Obi-Wan Kenobi T.E. Lawrence of Arabia (1888-1935) Omar Sharif (1932-) Jethro Bodine Jethro Bodine King Saud of Saudi Arabia (1902-69) King Faisal of Saudi Arabia (1904-75) King Khalid of Saudi Arabia (1912-82) King Fahd of Saudi Arabia (1921-2005) King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia (1924-) King Talal of Jordan (1909-72) King Hussein I of Jordan (1935-99) King Abdullah II of Jordan (1962-)

So while the West passed it by, Islam kept its mindset in the Allah-Muhammad 7th cent. and its science and technology in the 11th, but you can't accuse Islam of not trying to reform itself internally. The problem is that they did it in the wrong direction, backwards to A-M, like a hamster in a cave, er, cage. In the 18th cent., while Europe was enjoying the Age of Reason and Science, unitarian (the opposite of trinitarian, like the pesky Catholics, who believe that Christ is God, which has to be wrong, since there's only one God) back-to-cube-one Sunni reformer Muhammad ibn Abd-al-Wahhab (1703-92) came along in Arabia, proclaiming that anything that had been added to Islam since Prophet Muhammad's days was false, and wanting to get rid of the obvious idolatry of worshiping the Big Black Cube, placing fancy domes encrusted with jewels over graves, and other non-unitarian jazz. Too bad, Big M ordered everybody to worship the Damien Cube, he was an idolator, which was the problem with Islam all along since it claims to believe in only one God but also worships a man, er, so does Christianity, but it at least tries to rationalize it via the Trinity, pick me a shamrock, call it a copycat clone on the Dark Side of the Force, so of course upstart al-Wahhab was rejected by the majority and kicked around, but he was finally taken under his wing by Muhammad ibn Saud (-1765) in 1740, whose descendants took over Arabia in 1922, turning it into Saudi Arabia. Meanwhile in Apr. 1802 the Wahhabis captured Shiite haven Karabala, Iraq and destroyed the jewel-encrusted dome over the grave of Big Man Husayn, keeping the change, and did ditto with Mecca in 1803, plundering the Khazinat an-Nabawiyya (Prophetic Treasure) and other monuments to Muslim saints, and covering the Cube with two sheets of black cloth called Qailan, which I guess means it's not idolatry anymore. Being health nuts, anybody trying to smoke a hookah was beaten, which was probably too much even for the Ottoman sultans, who ordered the Wahhabis kicked back to the desert. The Ottomans became kaput during WWI with the help of Arab nationalists led by royal Sherifians incl. future Jordanian king (1921-51) Abdullah I bin al-Hussein (1882-1951) and Iraqi king (1921-33) Faisal (Arab. "resolute") I (1885-1933) (actually he wanted one giant Sunni Muslim Arab state in the Fertile Crescent run by himself, which didn't work out that way), with assistance from British lt. col. Thomas Edward Lawrence of Arabia (1888-1935) (who thought he was winning the bedouins over to the British side, but was actually being used as a source of moolah and little else, which didn't stop him from becoming the British Andy Warhol, making himself famous by tooting his own horn to Islam history ignoramus Westerners) and Omar Sharif (Michael Demitri Shalhoub) (1932-) (in the movie version), and in 1925 the Muslim Dubyas under King Ibn Saud (1876-1953) (who declared Faisal I an infidel because he wasn't a Wahhabi just a Sunni, and opposed his revolt against the Turks) took control of Mecca and Medina permanently, and even attempted to demolish the dome of Prophet Muhammad's mosque, declaring the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in 1932 and becoming the Middle East Beverly Hillbillies in 1938 with the discovery of oil, resurrecting the kaput Muslims from the grave and making them world players again. On Oct. 27, 1937 Saudi king Ibn Saud issued a Statement on Palestine Partition, with the soundbytes: "Our hatred for the Jews dates from Allah's condemnation of them for their persecution and rejection of Isa (Jesus Christ), and their subsequent rejection later of His chosen Prophet. It is beyond our understanding how your Government, representing the first Christian power in the world today, can wish to assist and reward these very same Jews who maltreated your Isa (Jesus)"; "It were far preferable form every point of view if Great Britain were to make Palestine a British Possession and rule it for the next 100 years, rather than to partition it in the way they propose: such partition cannot possibly solve the difficulty but must only perpetuate it and lead to war and misery"; "Today I am the Imam or Spiritual Leader as well as the Temporal Ruler of the greater part of Arabia. I also have not a little influence in all the great Muslim countries of the world"; "Verily the word of Allah teaches us, and we implicitly believe this, that for a Muslim to kill a Jew, or for him to be killed by a Jew ensures him an immediate entry into Heaven and into the august presence of Allah. What more then can a Muslim want in this hard world, and that is what my people are repeatedly reminding me of?"; "The main thing at all costs is to prevent the Jews from having an independent state of their own sliced out of Arab territory with no one to guide their future acts and policy. For from such will come a perpetual struggle with the Arabs living round them." In 1953 Ibn Saud was succeeded by the eldest of his 45 sons King Saud (1902-69), who was so seduced by Western luxury and degeneracy like Jethro Bodine that he was thrown out in 1964 for his younger brother King Faisal (1904-75). Faisal was assassinated in 1975, and was succeeded by his half-brother King Khalid (1912-82), who was succeeded on his death by his half-brother King Fahd (1921-2005), who was succeeded on his death by his half-brother King Abdullah (1923-), who acted as de facto ruler since Jan. 1, 1996 when Fahd had an incapacitating stroke. Meanwhile on May 25, 1946 the Hashemite Kingdom of Transjordan was granted independence, shortening Transjordan to Jordan on Apr. 3, 1949, run by semi-secular (suit-tie or military uniform) Muslim Arabians from the Hejaz in W Saudi Arabia who claim to be directly descended from Prophet M (might be true they are so ugly), incl. Abdullah I from 1946-51 (assassinated), his son King Talal (1909-72) from 1951-2 (resigned for health reasons, probably schizophrenia), his son King Hussein I (1935-99) from 1952-99, and his son King Abdullah II (1962-), there's more to being a leader than being a jerk, the world will never know.

Saudi Prince Salman bin Abd al-Aziz (1939-) Abdul-Rahman al-Barrak of Saudi Arabia Robert Baer (1952-) Saudi Prince Sultan bin Salman (1956-)

The essence of this Puritan Arab Wahhabi movement was that everything Muhammad did was A-OK, especially the killing and terror part, which is why they are the backbone of the so-called fundamentalist extremist radical Muslim terrorist movement. Many times they claim they're not Wahhabis but Salafis (Salafists) (Arabic for salafely sticking to the beliefs of their predecessors, as in the first three generations only), even though it's the same thing, call it disinformation to infidels. To a Wahhabi/Salafist, every Muslim who has adopted any modern belief (since 632 C.E.) is an infidel and a radical, not them, thus the statements made by history ignoramus Pres. George Dubya Bush after 9/11 that Islam is not about fundamentalism or terrorism but is a religion of peace are moose hockey, sorry, the whole fundamentalist Islam outfit is dung, and the world doesn't need them no matter how cool they dress. Recently Saudi Prince Salman bin Abd al-Aziz (1939-), gov. of Riyad and head of the Saudi royal family claimed that the very term Wahhabi is an insult, because easy breezy beautiful cover girl al-Wahhab and his followers are just Salafis, with the soundbyte "I defy anyone to find even a single letter in the letters and books of [al-Wahhab]... contradicting the Quran or the Sunna", serves plenty, run amok in the park until done, you can't argue with God, he's always right, ask his prophet Muhammad, that settles it. The Saudis fund a global effort to inculcate Salafism, knowing that they can play the infidels for suckers by cutting loose any terrorist after he does his job, and still claim to be a religion of peace. Speaking of cutting terrorists loose, they fund mass distribution of Quran translations full of footnotes inculcating a super-hate-filled intolerant violent supremacist version of Islam, which, when it serves their purpose, they can disavow since it's not in the suras themselves, only their footnotes; one example is their footnote to Sura 4:47: "O you who received the scripture, you shall believe in what we reveal herein, confirming what you have, before we banish certain faces to exile, or condemn them as we condemned those who desecrated the Sabbath"; their footnote says that the faces of pesky Christians and Jews will be taken away in Hell, "by making them like the back of necks; without nose, mouth, eyes", adding: "This Verse is a severe warning to the Jews and Christians, and an absolute obligation that they must believe in Allah's Messenger Muhammad... and also in his Message of Islamic Monotheism and in this Qur'an." Another example is Quran 2:190: "Fight in the way of Allah those who fight you but do not transgress; indeed, Allah does not like transgressors"; "Al-Jihad (holy fighting) in Allah's Cause (with full force of numbers and weaponry) is given the utmost importance in Islam and is one of its pillars (on which it stands). By Jihad Islam is established, Allah's Word is made superior, (His Word being La ilaha illallah which means none has the right to be worshipped but Allah), and His Religion (Islam) is propagated. By abandoning Jihad (may Allah protect us from that) Islam is destroyed and the Muslims fall into an inferior position; their honour is lost, their lands are stolen, their rule and authority vanish. Jihad is an obligatory duty in Islam on every Muslim, and he who tries to escape from this duty, or does not in his innermost heart wish to fulfil this duty, dies with one of the qualities of a hypocrite", here we are at Sloan's Lake and it's blood red.

Speaking of funding, who doesn't believe that the Saudi royal family secretly greased the wheels of 9/11 then covered their greasy tracks, incl. paying for Bush's oily praises of "good" Muslims, maybe also Obama's? Guess why the U.S. never includes List of State Sponsors of Terrorism that was launched on Dec. 29, 1979 with Iraq (until 1982, then 1990-2004), Libya (1979-), and South Yemen (1979-90), then Cuba (1982-), Iran (1984-), Sudan (1993-), North Korea (1988-2008), and Sudan (1993-). You can feel the love the moment you set foot in Saudi Land, which skunks its Shiite minority pop. from govt. posts just for starters, I guess that's not really racism. Horrible this-is-what-you-want-this-is-what-you-get retro Saudi Arabia is known for its I-live-I-ride-I-am mutawas (morality police), who throw women into medieval dungeons and beat and gang-rape them for daring to drive a car or go out in public without a male escort, and on June 9, 2009 even sentenced Lebanese TV journalist Ali Sibat (who was arrested while visiting on hajj) to death for witchcraft because somebody told the authorities he made predictions on TV, great ally the U.S. has there, let's give them Florida. Saudi Arabia, guardian of Islam is the living proof that Islam is evil and must go. The list of fatwas approved by the Saudi govt. turns the stomach, incl. a ban on taking flowers to the sick, building or running cinemas, mixing of genders in public incl. swimming pools, initiating a greeting to a kafir (non-Muslim), only permitting the reply "Wa Alaykum" (same to you) after they greet you first, following the funeral of an unbeliever, and not sorry about that, any relationship of mutual affection, love or brotherhood with a kafir, so much for the Lawrence and Arabia and Omar Sharif b.s.. What other country routinely decapitates dolls at the airport since they conflict with their idea of Sharia, and prohibits gasohol because "The prophet has cursed whoever uses alcohol, not only for drinking but also other purposes"? What other country sports a head executioner like Muhammad Saad Al-Beshi, who beheads as many as seven people a day with his Sword of Allah, and says that the only difference between men and women is that the latter wear hijabs?

What other country condones child brides, such as a 12-y.-o. girl to an 80-y.-o. man? What other country features prominent cleric Abdul-Rahman ('Abd Al-Rahman) Al-Barrak on its Web site on Feb. 22, 2010 forbidding mingling of men and women, even in workplaces and educational institutions, calling those who regard it as permissible nasty apostates who should be killed, and which the Saudi govt. considers as a binding fatwa? Instead they have a sick system of male guardianship, where male relatives dictate a woman's everyday decisions as if she were a child. How about the official govt. permission for underage marriage of girls to old lechers? Up to 40% of the pop. of Saudi Arabia consists of guest workers, who are treated like virtual slaves, pressured to convert to Islam, and often end up trying to leave the country in vain, not that neighboring Dubai isn't as bad. What country is the world's leading source of funding for al-Qaida and other Muslim terrorist networks, those boys are much too much? Answer: Saudi Arabia. The Nov. 2010 WikiLeaks dump exposed Saudi Arabia as a cash machine for Islamic terrorists. According to former CIA official Robert Booker "Bob" Baer (1952-) in his 2003 book Sleeping With the Devil: How Washington Sold Our Soul for Saudi Crude, this center of the global economy is a "kingdom built on thievery, one that nurtures terrorism, destroys any possibility of a middle class based on property rights, and promotes slavery and prostitution", while sitting on one-quarter of the world's oil reserves and enjoying the full support and protection of the U.S. govt., and according to him "An invasion and a revolution might be the only things that can save the industrial West from a prolonged, wrenching depression."

Between 1979 and 2003 an estimated two-thirds of the $70B the Saudis spent for "international aid" was actually used to infiltrate institutions with Wahhabism and finance anti-Western and anti-Israel propaganda. Another estimate puts it at $90B spent by 2005. In recent years the Saudi-financed Wahhabi cult has been making inroads in the Balkans, incl. Macedonia, and Bosnia, with about 13% of the 2M Muslims there subscribing to it; it also has a hold with the Taliban in Afghanistan and in Chechnya, don't just burn the movies, burn Hollywood movies. Speaking of Prince Salman and Jethro, his son Prince Sultan bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud (1956-) was the first Arab, first Muslim, and first royal in space; he is now chmn. of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and Antiquities.

Juhayman al-Otaibi (1936-80) Pakistani Gen. Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq (1924-88) Muhammad Tahir ul-Qadri (1951-) Muhammad Taqi Usmani (1943-)

Why do terrorists always come from a Salafist/Wahhabi background, or its South Asian cousin the Deobandis (founded in Deoband, India in 1866)? "Every Salafi and Deobandi is not a terrorist, but I have no hestitation in saying that everyone is a well-wisher of terrorists and this has not been appreciated by the Western governments", according to Pakistani Sunni Sufi scholar Muhammad Tahir ul-Qadri (1951-), who on Mar. 2, 2010 issued a 600-page Fatwa Against Terrorism, claiming that it's a perversion of Islam, safe move since he's a Sufi and who ever heard of a Sufi terrorist. Too bad, Pakistani Deobandi mufti Muhammad Taqi Usmani (1943-), author of the hit 2005 book Islam and Modernism begs to differ with him, claiming that the Islamic doctrine of jihad is a real threat to Western civilization, not just a misinterpretation, because the Quran orders that "killing is to continue until the unbelievers pay jizyah after they are humbled and overpowered", and "In my humble knowledge there has not been a single incident in the entire history of Islam where Muslims had shown their willingness to stop jihad just for one condition that they be allowed to preach Islam freely." My, my, look at them Muhammads disagreeing about how harsh to be with pesky infidels. Did I mention that Wahhabism was founded in part to fight the influence of Sufism in Sunni Islam? So don't think that just because Wahhabis are puritanical nutcases who consider infidels as unclean animals worthy of exterimination they're all violent radicals like Osama bin Laden. They're violent establishment types, that's about the only difference. One case in point is Juhayman ibn Muhammad ibn Sayf al-Otaibi (1936-80), who led 1.3K-1.5K jihadists to occupy the Grand Mosque in Mecca on Nov. 20, 1979, holing up for three weeks behind the reinforced doors, which tanks failed to break down, while waiting for the Mahdi to arrive and help Islam conquer da world; the beginning of modern violent jihad? After the Pakistani army under gen. Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq (1924-88) (pres. #6 of Pakistan in 1977-88, who encouraged Sharia) called in three French commandos to help despite being infidels, they were expelled after 250 were killed and 600 wounded, and Juhayman and 67 others were later beheaded. After that the Saudi royals began paying extortion money to the hardcore Wahhabists to keep them at bay. Too bad there still is a Mecca, maybe, I'll cover that later. Since the U.S. govt., probably greased by oil money has been turning a blind eye to radical Islam in its backyard under the guise of respecting the First Amendment a lot too much, the Saudis have been quietly funding terrorist orgs. on its soil, operating out of 1.2K mosques in 2000, at least 800 of which they fund and are openly Wahabbi; by 2010 there are 2,106 mosques in the U.S.; worse, a building boom began in 2014. Saudi princess Haifa bint Faisal, wife of U.S. ambassador to Saudi Arabia Prince Bandar bin Sultan was discovered to have donated money via a conduit to two of the 9/11 hijackers.

Guess what, they're sending Jethro to College to be a rocket scientist after the movie producer school kicked him out. After squandering billions of oil dollars on Rolls Royces and fancy palaces, the Saudis finally decided to squander another $10 billion on their all-new King Abdullah University of Science and Technology, which opened in Sept. 2009. Of course, if a Westerner leaves the zoolike compound and wanders around, he/she might get their head lopped off, but then, who would be dumb enough to want to go there in the first place? By the way, the fatwa against gender mixing was delivered after it it was suggested there, but to autocratic King Abdullah's credit he responded by banning Sharia police from campus so they could go to class together anyway after the women put on an extra pair of sweat pants for insurance.

Amadou Bamba (1853-1927)

For completeness, I'll mention Western Africa, call it the Hanging Chad of Earth. In 1727 the Tidjani (Tijani) moderate branch of Sufism was founded in Morocco and Algeria by Sheik Ahmad al-Tidjani (1735-1815), spreading throughout W Africa, incl. Chad, N Nigeria, and Sudan. To become a murid (disciple) of the order, one must receive from a muqaddam (rep of the order) a wird, or sequence of weird holy phrases to be repeated twice daily. Today 54% of the pop. of Chad (mostly in the N) is Muslim, 33% (mostly in the S) is Christian, while the rest still practice animistic religion. In Senegal in 1883 Sheikh Amadou Bamba (1853-1927) created his own brand of Sufism called Mouridism ("those who desire"), which resisted French colonialism through the Mouride Way of pacifism.

Ahmad Shah Durrani of Afghanistan (1723-73) Dost Mohammed Khan of Afghanistan (1793-1863) Mohammed Zahir Shah of Afghanistan (1914-2007) Mohammed Daoud Khan of Afghanistan (1909-78) Babrak Karmal of Afghanistan (1929-96) Mohammed Najibullah of Afghanistan (1947-96) Afghan Carpet

Modern Afghanistan was born in 1747 with the Durrani Empire, founded in Kandahar by Sunni Muslim Ahmad Shah Durrani (1723-73), a Pashto-speaking ethnic Pashtun (who claim to be descended from the lost Israeli tribe of Joseph), who united its 60 major tribes and 400+ sub-clans, and invaded India eight times, on the 4th getting lucky and sacking Delhi but failing to topple the Mughals, then stinking himself up on his way back by attacking the Golden Temple of the Sikhs in Amritsar in 1757, filling its sacred pool with the blood of his victims and starting a sick Hatfield-McCoy feud between the sick long-haired Sikhs and the religion of peace Afghans. After his death, don't miss his turquoise-domed mausoleum in Kandahar, the empire shrunk fast, and endurranied only until 1823. In 1826 Dost Mohammed Khan (1793-1863) (another Pashtun) founded the Barakzai Dynasty, which ruled Afghanistan until 1973, when Mohammed Zahir Shah (1914-2007) was ousted in a Soviet-backed coup by his brother-in-law and first cousin (former PM) Mohammed Daoud Khan (1909-78), who was assassinated in the Soviet-backed Saur Revolution in 1978, which set up the Marxist Democratic Republic of Afghanistan, which lasted until 1987, then became the Republic of Afghanistan under Babrak Karmal (1929-96) in 1979-86 and Mohammed Najibullah (1947-96) in 1987-92 until it was toppled by U.S.-backed rebels in 1992, giving the retro Taliban its chance to take over when the U.S. just pulled out and forgot about it. Meanwhile most Afghans didn't give a shit and just wove carpets. Maybe Afghanistan is the great laboratory for Westerners, who still think they can convert Muslims into their way of thinking, first Communism then American-style democracy AKA a constitutional republic, at least it's far away and we're not worried about them moving in with us until they give the retro 7th cent. Muslim Allah Akbar crap up.

George Whitefield (1714-70)

Not that the West grew up without massive upheavals and revolutions, which I'll pass on since I'm concentrating on Islam. In British America the First Great Awakening in 1739 was sparked by Elvis-like British Anglican preacher George Whitefield (1714-70), whom Benjamin Franklin admired and popularized even though he didn't go for his Bible fundamentalist theology. The inculcation of Bible faith in the masses combined with a revival in classical Greek and Roman studies by the intelligentsia caused them to slowly unite in the belief that the English monarchy was tyrannical and that they were given a mission by God to free their people like Moses, yet not set up a theocracy but a Greek democracy combined with a Roman republic sans the paganism, with church separated from state, you had to be there I guess. The 3K-mi. Atlantic pond that diluted English military power also helped.

On Mar. 6, 1752 Lahore gov. Mir Mannu (Muin-ul-Malk) ordered the Massacre of the Sikh Innocents, gruesomely killing 300 infants and children of Sikh women for refusing to convert to Islam; next Nov. 4 Mir Mannu died after massacring thousands of Sikhs, and the surviving women were rescued.

In 1756 the Al-Sabah Dynasty in Kuwait was founded by Sheikh Sabah I bin Jaber (1700-62); the sheikdom is nominally under Ottoman rule, but has de facto independence. Meanwhile the rising power of the West starts to make Turkey get sick and start to fall apart.

Catherine II the Great of Russia (1729-96)

In 1768 after the Seven Years' War causes France to withdraw as Europe's #1 military power, the Fifth Russo-Turkish War began (ends 1774), with Russia under tsar (1762-96) Catherine II the Great (1729-96) working to take S Ukraine, N Caucasus, and the Crimea from the crumbling Ottoman Empire; a Russian army pushes SW from the Dnieper River into the Balkans, scoring Vs and calling on Christians to join them against the Muslim Ottomans; meanwhile another Russian force captures the Crimea; too bad, the Christians refuse to respond to the call. On July 21, 1774 the Fifth Russo-Turkish War (begun 1768) ended with a Russian V and the Treaty of Kuchuk Kainarji (Kucuk Kaynarca), giving Russian trading ships freedom to navigate in Turkish Black Sea waters, and control of the Crimean seaports of Azov and Kerch; the Crimean Khanate becomes independent under Russian suzerainty; Russia receives full possession of Azov and land S to the Kuban River, along with the territory between the Dnieper and S Bug Rivers, making the Dnieper River the Russian border; Turkey renounces claims to Kabarda in the N Caucasus; Russia becomes the official protector of Orthodox Christians in the Ottoman Empire; Turkey is forced to pay 4.5M rubles reparations, and promise lenient treatment of Moldavia and Wallachia, which is placed under Russian protection despite Turkish suzerainty since the year 1411; Turkey is forced to cede NW Moldavia (Bukovina) to the Hapsburgs; instead of bringing peace, the Russkies use the treaty for excuses to go to war to take more territory from the sick Ottoman Empire, expanding S and E until it bumps up against the Western powers. In Dec. 1782 the Russians under Adm. Potemkin easily conquered and annexed the Crimea, causing many Tatars to flee to Ottoman territory. Too bad, the French Rev. of 1789 freaked Catherine II out, causing her to drop plans for conquering the Balkans and partitioning them with Austria.

U.S. Flag Washington, D.C. and Masonic Symbolism George Washington (1732-99) Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) James Madison (1751-1836) John Adams (1735-1826) Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804) Benjamin Franklin (1706-90) Thomas Paine (1737-1809) John Locke (1632-1704) Baron de Montesquieu (1689-1755) David Hume (1711-76) Adam Smith (1723-90) Adam Weishaupt (1748-1830) Mayer Amschel Rothschild (1744-1812) U.S. Pres. Andrew Jackson (1767-1845)

It took 1300 years after the fall of Rome for the West to finally get its act together with the American Revolution in 1775-83, a new beginning for humanity that reached back to the ancient Greeks and made use of all the wisdom since, becoming the greatest breakthrough in human liberty ever seen, making the U.S. Da (don't say Great White) Hope of Da Non-Allah-Submitting World ever since. No Mel, it wasn't a Jewish plot, or if so, they must have made up with the ancient pagan Greeks who liked to exercise naked with their uncircumcised dongs swinging like your Celt ancestors, how'd you get so rich? Some of the great Founding Fathers included George Washington (1732-99), Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), James Madison (1751-1836), John Adams (1735-1826), Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804), Benjamin Franklin (1706-90), and Thomas Paine (1737-1809). They all based their philosophy on English big brain John Locke (1632-1704), ("Father of Liberalism"), French big brain Charles-Louis de Secondat, Baron Montesquieu (1689-1755), and Scottish big brains David Hume (1711-76), and Adam Smith (1723-90), but went way beyond them. Where did the U.S. Founding Fathers get their great ideas? Answer: they were historyscopers. Back then they didn't have the Internet like TLW, so access to historical materials was limited to the wealthy, and only those with great gobs of leisure time could absorb it all, so there these white English dudes were, hanging out in the libraries and studies in their mansions while their slaves supported them. No wonder they had an ambivalent attitude toward slavery, knowing that it was wrong but also not wanting to have to get a day job, but hedging their bets by laying the groundwork for racial equality on paper, while playing it safe and leaving the matter to posterity. Benjamin Franklin was an exception, a self-made man, so no surprise that he finally made peace with his conscience and denounced slavery just before he croaked of ripe old age. Tom Paine was a radical Freethinker who saw the French Revolution firsthand, and was always living off the income from his sensational writings, incl. The Age of Reason (1794-1807) (an American bestseller that argues for the existence of one God, but dissects the Bible as full of errors and contradictions, and slams the Bible god Jehovah as not the real God, but a tribal god of the Hebrews, little more than a bloodthirsty idol, not worthy of belief, too bad that Jefferson didn't loan him his Quran so he could tear it apart too), so of course he was the most vehement in denouncing slavery, knowing that they'd consider all his ideas kooky but cool enough to read in the loo. They were all ahead of their time, and the rest of the world is still catching up to their sound ideas, the world's main chance. Yes, there are still Deists around, and they do sometimes tear into the Quran, go Deists. So sorry, Pres. Obama,there wasn't a Muslim among them, but there were a lot of Freemasons among them, and they even laid out the U.S. capital city Washington, D.C. in a Masonic configuration. There were also Jews among them. In Germany in 1776 the mysterious Bavarian Order of the Illuminati was founded by Johann Adam Weishaupt (1748-1830), allegedly secretly funded and masterminded by German Jewish banker Mayer Amschel Rothschild (1744-1812), the father of international banking (a Spinoza disciple), with a general plan of destroying the Christian order in Europe by infiltrating and turning nation against nation until it all turns to crap, then stirring the crap to create a dNew World Order (NWO), and which somehow was allegedly behind the American Revolution, the French Revolution, the Revolutions of 1848, the U.S. Civil War, the Russian Revolution, World Wars I and II, the League of Nations and U.N., and which is supposedly on its game to this day and will be there if/when there's an Armageddon, stay tuned to Armageddon Idol starring Simon Scowl. Alexander Hamilton was allegedly a secret Rothschild agent, which is why he pushed the creation of the First U.S. National Bank on Feb. 25, 1791, which became the mission of U.S. pres. #7 (1829-37) Andrew Jackson (1767-1845) to free the U.S. from, which he did, only to have it come back bigtime on Dec. 23, 1913 with the Federal Reserve - Illuminati shark music here?

Yes, the U.S. was founded by a bunch of Christians and Jews, along with some religious skeptics, and it wisely tries to separate govt. from all religions and sects, while protecting everybody's rights to worship as they choose as long as they don't try to foist their religion on govt. But it was definitely NOT founded on Islam, period, and anybody trying to claim that today is lying like hell to advance Islam's agenda of takeover by hook or crook. Does that mean that the U.S. is at war with Islam? YES, because Islam demands control of the govt. and disenfranchisement of non-Muslims, but alas, so far it has never officially declared war on it, initialy because the Muslim World was so remote and unable to do anything to invade us, but now because hardcore global Islamists are allied with sick self-hating American leftists to weaken the U.S. via Muslim immigration and creeping Sharia, what's that smell?

Washington, D.C. and Masonic Symbolism Adam Weishaupt (1748-1830) Mayer Amschel de Rothschild (1744-1812) U.S. Pres. Andrew Jackson (1767-1845)

Where did the U.S. Founding Fathers get their great ideas? Answer: they were historyscopers. Back then they didn't have the Internet like TLW, so access to historical materials was limited to the wealthy, and only those with great gobs of leisure time could absorb it all, so there these white English dudes were, hanging out in the libraries and studies in their mansions while their slaves supported them. No wonder they had an ambivalent attitude toward slavery, knowing that it was wrong but also not wanting to have to get a day job, but hedging their bets by laying the groundwork for racial equality on paper, while playing it safe and leaving the matter to posterity. Benjamin Franklin was an exception, a self-made man, so no surprise that he finally made peace with his conscience and denounced slavery just before he croaked of ripe old age. Tom Paine was a radical Freethinker who saw the French Revolution firsthand, and was always living off the income from his sensational writings, incl. The Age of Reason (1794-1807) (an American bestseller that argues for the existence of one God, but dissects the Bible to show its errors and contradictions, and slams the Bible god Jehovah as not the real God, but a tribal god of the Hebrews, little more than a bloodthirsty idol, not worthy of belief, too bad that Jefferson didn't loan him his Quran so he could tear it apart too), so of course he was the most vehement in denouncing slavery, knowing that they'd consider all his ideas kooky but cool enough to read in the loo. They were all ahead of their time, and the rest of the world is still catching up to their sound ideas, the world's main chance. Yes, there are still Deists around, and they do sometimes tear into the Quran, go Deists. So sorry, Pres. Obama,there wasn't a Muslim among them, but there were a lot of Freemasons among them, and they even laid out the U.S. capital city Washington, D.C. in a Masonic configuration? There were also Jews among them. In Germany in 1776 the mysterious Order of the Illuminati ("the Very Perfectibles") was founded in Ingolstadt, Bavaria by Johann Adam Weishaupt (1748-1830), with five members, allegedly secretly funded and masterminded by German Jewish banker Mayer Amschel de Rothschild (1744-1812), the father of international banking (a Spinoza disciple), with a general plan of destroying the Christian order in Europe by infiltrating and turning nation against nation until it all turns to crap, then stirring the crap to create a New World Order (NWO), and which somehow was allegedly behind the American Revolution, the French Revolution, the Revolutions of 1848, the U.S. Civil War, the Russian Revolution, World Wars I and II, the League of Nations and U.N., and which is supposedly on its game to this day and will be there if/when there's an Armageddon, stay tuned to Armageddon Idol starring Simon Scowl. Alexander Hamilton was allegedly a secret Rothschild agent, which is why he pushed the creation of the First U.S. National Bank on Feb. 25, 1791, which became the mission of U.S. pres. #7 (1829-37) Andrew Jackson (1767-1845) to free the U.S. from, which he did, only to have it come back bigtime on Dec. 23, 1913 with the Federal Reserve, Illuminati shark music here.

Humphrey Prideaux (1648-1724) Edward Gibbon (1737-94) Gibbon

Speaking of Deists, in 1697 English (Cornish) Anglican divine Humphrey Prideaux (1648-1724) pub. The True Nature of Imposture Fully Display'd in the Life of Mahomet; With a Discourse Annex'd for the Vindicating of Christianity from This Charge; Offered to the Consideration of the Deists of the Present Age, starting the inevitable discovery of the bottomless depths of evil of Islam by Wild Westerners with a warning shot across their bow. It actually used Islam as an example of the evils of Deism, but what the heck. Too bad, ever since Edward Gibbon (1737-94), whose great work The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (1776-89) on the decline and fall of the 2200-year Allah-free Roman Empire came out about the time of the American Revolution, and who had the Battle of Vienna and the Ottoman threat safely in the rearview mirror, is that Granada I see or only Asbury Park, there has been a sad trend for Euro thinkers to glamorize distant Islam and Prophet Muhammad, probably as a way to get back at the Roman Catholic Church, which they were fighting to free Euros from the grip of while sweating at the thought of being handed to the Inquisition, so it was like an enemy of my enemy is my friend kind of thing, especially with the English Anglican Church and its spinoffs in the U.S. Here's a couple of typical Gibbon quotes: "The greatest success of Mohammad's life was effected by sheer moral force without the stroke of a sword." "The good sense of Muhammad despised the pomp of royalty. The Apostle of God submitted to the menial offices of the family; he kindled the fire; swept the floor; milked the ewes; and mended with his own hands his shoes and garments. Disdaining the penance and merit of a hermit, he observed without effort of vanity the abstemious diet of an Arab." Right, he avoided pork while porking his 9-year-old wife with his 9 holy inches and massacring and enslaving pagans and Jews who got in his way and churning out Ouija Board music that teaches pure holy hate and murder to mankind, maybe Gibbon didn't get that far in his Islam history studies that were all done in decaying Rome. At least he saw through the Quran, with the soundbyte: "In the spirit of enthusiasm or vanity, the prophet rests the truth of his mission on the merit of his book, audaciously challenges both men and angels to imitate the beauties of a single page, and presumes to assert that God alone could dictate this incomparable performance. This argument is most powerfully addressed to a devout Arabian, whose mind is attuned to faith and rapture, whose ear is delighted by the music of sounds, and whose ignorance is incapable of comparing the productions of human genius. The harmony and copiousness of style will not reach, in a version, the European infidel; he will peruse with impatience the endless incoherent rhapsody of fable and precept and declamation, which seldom excites a sentiment or an idea, which sometimes crawls in the dust, and is sometimes lost in the clouds."

Antoine Galland (1646-1715) The 1001 Nights

Not that he started it. The first Euro translation in 1704-17 of the 9th cent. The Thousand and One Nights, by Antoine Galland (1646-1715) about a mean Persian Muslim love machine king who executes each new bed partner after one night until he meets up with Scheherezade, who saves herself by telling him entertaining tales so he will take her tail to bed rather than her head to behead had already romanticized Islam to Westerners, softening them up because they thought all that oppression of women must have been in the distant past, not still being practiced, not that they really wanted to know.

Count Henri de Boulainvilliers (1658-1722)

In 1731 French historian Comte Henri de Boulainvilliers (1658-1722) pub. a life of Muhammad that painted him as a wise rational lawgiver who was a forerunner of the Age of Reason, because he claimed that Islam was a natural not revealed religion, I guess he forgot to read the Quran and missed the Dark Cave parts.

John Locke (1632-1704)

Before that the Christian Unitarians of the 1680s-1690s, such as John Locke (1632-1704) liked to bring up Islam as an example of a tainted Unitarianism, which might be based on a sensual imposter named Mahomet, but at least didn't believe in the hated pagan-inspired Trinity, and would play off both ends against the middle with Islam as the punch line, usually by c alling on "Mahometans" to become PC Christian Unitarians like them so they could unite against the common threat, what history ignoramuses.

Meanwhile the Freethinkers and Rationalists back then were pioneering Bible criticism, and their going theory was that the founders of all religions were basically good guys, but that their followers corrupted their messages and writings in order to foist horrible priesthoods on the people, the worst of course being the Roman Catholic Church, and that it must carry over to Islam whether they could even read the Quran or not, and the 18th cent. Quran translations into Latin, French, Italian, Spanish, German, English etc. were all not only biased against Muhammad, which made them more sure he must really be all right, but since the Quran is really a musical score, it was like translating the lyrics and forgetting the music, like trying to read the lyrics of Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice without seeing the great video starring Christopher Walken, you'll never get it.

George Sale (1697-1736)

In 1734 Canterbury, Kent-born George Sale (1697-1736) pub the first trans. to English direct from Arabic after spending 25 years in Arabia to master the language; it incl. a 200-page "Discourse" explaining Islam from the viewpoint of a life member of the Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge, calling the Quran a "manifest forgery", explaining that "It is absolutely necessary to undeceive those who, from the ignorant or unfair translations which have appeared, have entertained too favourable an opinion of the original, and also to enable us effectually to expose the imposture"; "As Mohammed gave his Arabs the best religion he could, preferable, at least, to those of the ancient pagan lawgivers, I confess I cannot see why he deserves not equal respect, though not with Moses or Jesus Christ, whose laws came really from heaven, yet with Minos or Numa, notwithstanding the distinction of a learned writer, who seems to think it a greater crime to make use of an imposture to set up a new religion, founded on the acknowledgment of one true God, and to destroy idolatry, than to use the same means to gain reception to rules and regulations for the more orderly practice of heathenism already established"; "For how criminal soever Mohammed may have been in imposing a false religion on mankind, the praises due to his real virtues ought not to be denied him; nor can I do otherwise than applaud the candour of the pious and learned Spanhemius, who, though he owned him to have been a wicked imposter, yet acknowledged him to have been richly furnished with natural endowments, beautiful in his person, of a subtle wit, agreeable behavior, showing liberality to the poor, courtesy to everyone, fortitude against his enemies, and above all a high reverence for the name of God; severe against the perjured, adulterers, murderers, slanderers, prodigals, covetous, false witnesses &c. a great preacher of patience, charity, mercy, beneficence, gratitude, honouring of parents and superiors, and a frequent celebrator of the divine praises"; in 1756 a copy is purchased by Thomas Jefferson, who fills it with marginal notes attacking and undermining it; next major English trans. is pub. in 1861 by John Rodwell.

Voltaire (1694-1778) Fatboy Slim's 'Weapon of Choice', starring Christopher Walken (1943-)

At least one smart French guy knew that Muhammad sucks in every language because he was an evil fanatic, Voltaire (1694-1778), who wrote the drama Mahomet the Prophet; or, Fanaticism in 1736, but as he was a closet atheist way ahead of his time it may only have backfired on theists and made them want to circle the wagons. Let's face it, none of the Euros back then really knew diddly about the subject, they didn't have the historyscoping power yet, and were just using it as a straw man to promote their own causes. "But that a camel-merchant [Muhammad] should stir up insurrection in his village; that in league with some miserable followers he persuades them that he talks with the angel Gabriel; that he boasts of having been carried to heaven, where he received in part this unintelligible book, each page of which makes common sense shudder; that, to pay homage to this book, he delivers his country to iron and flame; that he cuts the throats of fathers and kidnaps daughters; that he gives to the defeated the choice of his religion or death: this is assuredly nothing any man can excuse, at least if he was not born a Turk, or if superstition has not extinguished all natural light in him." "The Quran teaches fear, hatred, contempt for others, murder as a legitimate means for the dissemination and preservation of this satanic doctrine. It talks ill of women, classifies people into classes, calls for blood and ever more blood. Yet, that Muhammad, a camel trader, sparks uproar in his tribe, that he wants to make his fellow citizens believe that he talked to the archangel Gabriel; that he boasted about being taken up into heaven and receiving a part of that indigestible book there, which can shake common sense on every page, that to gain respect for this work, he covers his country with fire and iron, that he strangles fathers, drags away daughters, that he leaves the beaten a free choice between death and his faith; now this is certainly something that no one can excuse, unless he came as a Turk into the world, unless superstition has stifled any natural light of reason in him."

Sidi Haji Abdrahaman of Tripoli Joel Barlow (1754-1812)

In Jan. 1785 U.S. ships Dauphin and Maria were captured by Muslim Algerian pirates, who paraded the 21 crewman to their leader the dey, who spit on them and says "Now I have you, you Christian dogs - you shall eat stones"; this action became one of the driving reasons for adopting the U.S. Constitution on Mar. 4, 1789, according to Thomas Bailey, let's say the war began and ask Pres. Obama why he's so clueless. On Mar. 10, 1785 Thomas Jefferson was appointed minister to France, succeeding Benjamin Franklin (1706-90), who prepared to return from France, where hs has resided since 1776; "I succeed him, but can never replace him"; John Adams became U.S. envoy to London (resigns 1788); in Mar. Jefferson and Adams visited Tripoli's ambassador to London Sidi Haji Abdrahaman, and ask him by what right the Barbary states prey upon American shipping, enslaving both crews and passengers, and next Mar. 28 they wrote a letter to U.S. foreign affairs minister John Jay, with the soundbyte: "We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their pretensions to make war upon nations who had done them no injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the laws of their prophet [Mohammed]; that it was written in their Koran; that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners; that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as prisoners; and that every Mussulman [Muslims] who was slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise." "We took the liberty to make some inquiries concerning the Grounds of their pretensions to make war upon a Nation who had done them no Injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our Friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the Laws of their Prophet, that it was written in their Koran, that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as Prisoners, and that every Musselman who should be slain in Battle was sure to go to Paradise. He said, also, that the man who was the first to board a vessel had one slave over and above his share, and that when they sprang to the deck of an enemy's ship, every sailor held a dagger in each hand and a third in his mouth; which usually struck such terror into the foe that they cried out for quarter at once"; Barbary pirates seize U.S. ships and imprison their crews in Algiers for 11 years while the U.S. negotiates for their release - the Muslim World gave the U.S. fair warning of the treachery of U.S. presidents Obama et al., and they didn't take it? On July 11, 1786 Morocco agreed to stop attacking U.S. ships in the Mediterranean for a jizya payment of $10K. On Aug. 18 after a debate about whether the U.S. should have a permanent navy to fight Muslim piracy, Thomas Jefferson wrote to James Monroe: "The states must see the rod; perhaps it must be felt by some one of them... Every national citizen must wish to see an effective instrument of coercion, and should fear to see it on any other element than the water. A naval force can never endanger our liberties, nor occasion bloodshed; a land force would do both"; on Dec. 26 Jefferson wrote to Ezra Stiles: "It will be more easy to raise ships and men to fight these pirates into reason, than money to bribe them." Too bad, despite fair warning, due to their pioneering effort in separating church and state, big brains like Thomas Jefferson and James Madison were leery to show intolerance to any religion, however nuts, and contented themselves with calling Muslim nations in North Africa who were doing what the Quran commanded them to do since Day One "barbaric", and leaving it at that, although don't get them wrong, they worked 24/7 to make the U.S. the last best hope of mankind with an unbreakable Wall of Separation of Church and State, which includes Mosque, Temple, etc. Actually, that wall only applied at the federal level, because every state had an established church, and it was only in the 20th cent. that the U.S. Supreme Court began legislating from the bench and transmuting it into what it is now, if anybody can figure it out. In 1797 after suffering for years and sending negotiators with money on his advice based on his Yankee belief that having to pay the jizya should just considered a cost of doing business in the Mediterrean, despite the problemo of sailors being captured and forced into slavery, Pres. John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli with the pesky Muslim Barbary pirates of Morocco, Algeria, Tripoli, and Tunis, and the freethinking U.S. emissary Obama, er, Joel Barlow (1754-1812) got cute and imaginatively translated the Arabic version into English, adding the famous Article 11: "As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen; and, as the said States never entered into any war, or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties, that no pretext arising from religious opinions, shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries." There actually wasn't an Article 11, but Barlow had been dipping into his Gibbon and thought he'd score one against the Christian Bible-thumpers for his personal friend Tom Paine and set the bar low, but it was the version read to and ratified by the U.S. Senate, setting it back 1200 years and undoing all the work of all Western freethinkers, I hope not, some language in a Senate treaty isn't the same thing as a constitutional amendment. This was actually the first example of Islam history ignoramus Americans bowing to Islamic Sharia, disavowing knowledge of their own Christian foundations to appease madass Muslims.

You guessed, it, within months of his inauguration, U.S. Pres. Barack Obama in his June 4, 2009 Cairo Speech cited it to justify calling the U.S. a nation of Muslims, not realizing that the Barbary pirates demanded and got a giant jizya bribe to stop, their emissary quoting the Quran that all nations not acknowledging Sharia were sinners and that it was their right and duty to make war upon them and make slaves of all Yankee prisoners they took, and of course if they are slain in battle they get saved, thank you Jizzus, and go straight to Pair a Dice, roll them dice for my soul I'll take the chances, pass the booty. Obama's predecessor George Washington actually uttered the soundbytes "Would to Heaven we have a navy to reform those enemies to mankind or crush them into nonexistence", and "I plead with you to maintain your stance against the evil empire of darkness. I pray God to give you strength, courage, and knowledge in spreading the truth. Islamic followers are a formidable and dangerous enemy." After they demanded more bribes (Allah told them to make it a permanent thing, right?) and were refused, they declared war on the U.S. on May 14, 1801 (you guessed it, Thursday), starting the First Barbary War (1801-5), after which the U.S. under pres. Thomas Jefferson sent the USS Constitution AKA Old Ironsides to land U.S. Marines on the shores of Tripoli and kick their dern Muslim butts in the Battle of Derna (Derne) on Apr. 27-May 13, 1805, as forever enshrined in the Marine Corps Hymn, see the Best of the Dean Martin Variety Show. Oh if we had Washington or Jefferson in the White House now, I'm sure they're both rolling over in their monuments, no wonder Adams wasn't given one, tell us about the Hollywood Triple Play. You guessed it again, in the Cairo speech Obama referred to the fact that big brain Jefferson had a copy of an English translation of the Quran in his giant library to justify his pro-Muslim pep talk (the library Jefferson donated to Congress to start their library), but actually he obtained it only so that as cmdr. in chief he could study the enemy intel to help him win the Barbary War and kill hated Muslims better, not because he was a fan or devotee of it and two steps from converting. He actually figured out from it how Muslims want infidels to pay jizya, and decided to never bow to them and to fight them militarily instead. In 1804 freethinker Jefferson worked over the Christian gospels, which he thought worth salvaging, not the Quran, producing the Jefferson Bible by taking scissors and cutting out all the passages portraying Jesus as divine or having supernatural powers, plus any perceived contradictions, absurdities or misinterpretations by the writers, so it's too bad he must have dropped the Quran after the war or else we'd have the Jefferson Quran too, either that or when he got done it was down to a few sentences. Speaking of John Adams, he backed the Christian religion as a pillar of govt., with the Oct. 11, 1798 quote: "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." In a letter to Jefferson, Adams wrote the soundbyte: "The general principles on which the fathers achieved independence, were the only principles in which that beautiful assembly of young men could unite, and these principles only could be intended by them in their address, or by me in my answer. And what were these general principles? I answer, the general principles of Christianity, in which all those sects were united, and the general principles of English and American liberty, in which all those young men united, and which had united all parties in America, in majorities sufficient to assert and maintain her independence. Now I will avow, that I then believed and now believe that those general principles of Christianity are as eternal and immutable as the existence and attributes of God; and that those principles of liberty are as unalterable as human nature and our terrestrial, mundane system." Adams also had an English trans. of the Quran, where he wrote the following preface: "This book is a long conference of God, the angels, and Mahomet, which that false prophet very grossly invented; sometimes he introduceth God, who speaketh to him, and teacheth him his law, then an angel, among the prophets, and frequently maketh God to speak in the plural... Thou wilt wonder that such absurdities have infected the best part of the world, and wilt avouch, that the knowledge of what is contained in this book, will render that law contemptible." In a letter to his friend Thomas Jefferson dated July 16, 1814, Adams calls Muhammad "a military fanatic" who "denies that laws were made for him; he arrogates everything to himself by force of arms." In a Letter to Dr. Benjamin Waterhouse dated June 26, 1822, Jefferson wrote: "Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of Mahomet."

U.S. Pres. George Washington (1732-99) praying on his knees, but not to Allah U.S. Pres. George Washington (1732-99) and his horse Martha Washington (1731-1802) Madalyn Murray O'Hair (1919-95)

What's really sick is that on-the-make freethinkers, rationalists, atheists and humanists, even Jews seized on the Barlow Article, practically turning it into a new article in the U.S. Constitution, harping on it constantly in the belief that it somehow proves that the U.S. isn't a Christian nation and hence should be an areligious nation, which TLW would be sympathetic to if it weren't for them *!?*! Allah Akbars that they thought would never actually try to move in here or else they might have dropped it and found something else. At its height, Barlowism, as promoted by American Atheist leader Madalyn Murray O'Hair (1919-95) et al. actually portrayed George Washington as a freethinker who was behind an insidious plot to trick Christians into unchaining the U.S. from Christianity like Bill Gates did to IBM with the PC and its open architecture that allowed him to make monkeys of the Big Blue Think men. Meanwhile the real U.S. was founded by a nation of virtually solid Christians, separating church and state only as to the establishment of one Christian sect over another, and Washington never missed a day of church in his life, and prayed on his knees in front of a chair every day with a Bible on it after moving his giant horselike thing from one tight pant leg to another, he wasn't the head of our country for nothing, one tight pant leg to another, he wasn't the head of our country for nothing, eh Martha? John Adams wrote the soundbyte: "Twenty times in the course of my late reading have I been on the point of breaking out, 'This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it!!!' But in this exclamation I would have been as fanatical as Bryant or Cleverly. Without religion this world would be something not fit to be mentioned in polite company, I mean Hell." Thomas Jefferson, the most freethinking of the Founding Fathers wrote all kinds of great soundbytes, especially against priestcraft, incl.: "In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection of his own." "History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes." "Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions. Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. It is the mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus." "Man once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind." Too bad, just because he was a freethinker didn't make him an atheist. He also wrote "I can never join Calvin in addressing his god. He was indeed an Atheist, which I can never be." So what's the real skinny on the Barlow Article? Simple. The U.S. govt. was a new thing in the history of mankind, because it wasn't founded on any religion, but goes back to ancient Greece and its democracy, never mind their religious fables, and thus doesn't have anything in it per se against any religion, incl. Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, even Islam. But on the other hand the U.S. was founded by a nation of Christians, who obviously wanted to keep it that way, and would love every other nation to adopt their form of govt., but at the same time had a right to be very judicious about mass immigration of people of any other religion, who first have to agree to accept their new form of govt. and its rules and regulations and spirit. Too bad, when it comes to Islam, their Quran demands an intolerant theocratic form of govt. along with the horrible Sharia, thus the U.S. form of govt. can never be accepted by fundamentalist Muslims, sorry, that's what the current war on terrorism is about. The U.S. can deal with Muslim nations on a friendly basis when possible, and form treaties or alliances maybe, but the U.S. itself can never have a Sharia govt., and hence ultimately can't ccept mass immigration of Allah Akbars, either they change or they're outa here, sorry, Elvis has left the building.

Francois-Rene de Chateaubriand (1768-1848) Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

Predictably, European Jews were split on Islam, with some remembering its horrific anti-Semitism, and others hating European Christians so much that they tried to trick them into becoming softies for it in hopes of weakening them by encouraging them to invite Muslims to immigrate. In 1810 French writer Francois-Rene de Chateaubriand (1768-1848) pub. Journey from Paris to Jerusalem and Back, a bestseller describing Arabs as "civilised man fallen again into a savage state", who "have the air of soldiers without a leader, citizens without legislators, and a family without a father", while Islam preaches "neither hatred of tyranny or love of liberty" and the Quran has "neither a principle for civilization nor a mandate that can elevate character". German Jewish poet Christian Johann Heinrich "Harry" Heine (1797-1856), whose whole life was a losing struggle to reconcile a Jewish background with a desire to be German actually waxed lyrical about Islamic Spain in his 1821 play Almansor, calling the Reconquista one of the "dark tricks of history". In the 19th cent. Jews erected mosque-like synagogues, perhaps hoping that when the real thing came nobody would care. This is bearing fruit even now, ironically making Europe a more and more dangerous place for Jews. In 1834 he prophetically wrote: "Christianity - and that is its greatest merit - has somewhat mitigated that brutal Germanic love of war, but it could not destroy it. Should that subduing talisman, the cross, be shattered, the frenzied madness of the ancient warriors, that insane Berserk rage of which Nordic bards have spoken and sung so often, will once more burst into flame. This talisman is fragile, and the day will come when it will collapse miserably." In 1933 the Nazis staged a book-burning in Berlin's Opernplatz, throwing Heine's works into the fire, immortalizing a line from Almansor: "Where they burn books, they will ultimately burn people also."

Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) Ernest Renan (1823-92) John Wesley (1703-91) U.S. Pres. John Quincy Adams (1767-1848) Alexis de Tocqueville (1805-59) William Gladstone (1809-98)

Getting back to Gibbon and his glowing depiction of Muhammad and Islam, in 1830 you'll never guess Vt.-born Presbyterian Bible scholar and Hebrew prof. George Bush (1769-1859) (ancestor of presidents George H.W. and George W. Bush) pub. The Life of Mohammed: Founder of the Religion of Islam, and of the Empire of the Saracens, which called Muhammad a "remarkable man" and "irresistibly attractive", and attributed his success to the dismal state of Christianity in his day. Having convinced himself that the Muslims shouldn't mind, in 1844 he pub. The Valley of the Vision; or, The Dry Bones of Israel Revisited, calling for the Jews to reestablish the state of Israel, saying "It will flash a splendid demonstration upon all kindreds and tongues of the truth." What a clueless dope, proving that low IQ is genetic? in 1840 clueless ex-Calvinist Scottish philosopher Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) pub. On Heroes and Hero Worship, which touted Muhammad as a hero, but called the Quran "as toilsome reading as I ever undertook", I guess he didn't know that it is a musical score in Arabic. But that didn't stop him. Since Big M was a hero, Islam must be somehow true. "A false man found a religion? Why, a false man cannot build a brick house!... It will not stand for twelve centuries, to lodge 180 million; it will fall straightaway", I'll make a list of rooms that need wakeup calls. It took until French philosopher Ernest Renan (1823-92) founded the study of comparative religions that Westerners began to get the real picture of horrible Islam and the bad side of the 1001 Arabian Nights, starting with his soundbyte: "The liberals who defend Islam do not know it. Islam is the complete unity of the spiritual and the temporal, it is the reign of a dogma, it constitutes the heaviest chains which have ever shackled humanity. In the first half of the Middle Ages... Islam put up with philosophy, because it could not do away with it; it could not do away with it because it lacked cohesion and was little equipped to use terror... But when Islam found that it could depend on masses of ardent believers, then it destroyed everything. Islam was liberal when it was weak, and violent when it was strong." Another good one: "Early Islam and the Arabs who professed it were hostile to scientific and philosophic spirit." Yet again: "Anyone with any knowledge of current affairs can see quite clearly the actual inferiority of the Muslim countries, the decadence of the states governed by Islam, the intellectual barrenness of the races that derive their culture and education from that religion alone. All those who have travelled to the East or to Africa have been struck by the totally narrow mind of the true believer, the kind of iron band around his head that closes him off completely from science and him quite incapable of learning anything or opening his mind to any new ideas." Another good one: "The moment a Muslim child is religiously initiated, suddenly it becomes stubbornly fanatic, full of silly pride in possessing the until then undisclosed revelation which it firmly holds to be the ultimate absolute truth, full of happiness - as if it was a unique privilege - in adoring exactly that which constitutes its inferiority and mental degradation." A hug from me and a check for one million infidels. Not that he was the only learned Westerner who was revolted by their study of Islam. Here's some samples. John Wesley (1703-91): "Ever since the religion of Islam appeared in the world, the espousers of it have been as wolves and tigers to all that fell into their merciless paws, and grinding them with their iron teeth; that numberless cities are raised from the foundation, and only their name remaining; that many countries, which were once as the garden of God, are now a desolate wilderness; and that so many once numerous and powerful nations are vanished from the earth! Such was, and is at this day, the rage, the fury, the revenge, of these destroyers of human kind." U.S. pres. #6 (1825-9) John Quincy Adams (1767-1848): "In the seventh century of the Christian era, a wandering Arab of the lineage of Hagar, the Egyptian, combining the powers of transcendent genius, with the preternatural energy of a fanatic, and fraudulent spirit of an imposter, proclaimed himself as a messenger from Heaven, and spread desolation and delusion over an extensive portion of the earth... He poisoned the sources of human felicity at the fountain, by degrading the condition of the female sex, and the allowance of polygamy; and he declared undistinguishing and exterminating war, as a part of his religion, against all the rest of mankind. The essence of his doctrine was violence and lust: to exalt the brutal over the spiritual part of human nature. While the merciless and dissolute dogmas of the false prophet shall furnish motives to human action, there can never be peace upon earth, and good will towards men." Alexis de Tocqueville (1805-59), the Frenchie who was wowed by the U.S., was also wowed by Islam, negatively: "I studied the Qur'an a great deal. I came away from that study with the conviction that by and large there have been few religions in the world as deadly to men as that of Mohammad. So far as I can see, it is the principal cause of the decadence so visible today in the Muslim World and, though less absurd than the polytheism of old, its social and political tendencies are in my opinion more to be feared, and I therefore regard it as a form of decadence rather than a form of progress in relation to paganism itself." Also: "Muhammad brought down from heaven and put into the Koran not religious doctrines only, but political maxims, criminal and civil laws, and scientific theories. The Gospels, on the other hand, deal only with the general relations between man and God and between man and man. Beyond that, they teach nothing and do not oblige people to believe anything. That alone, among a thousand reasons, is enough to show that Islam will not be able to hold its power long in ages of enlightenment and democracy, while Christianity is destined to reign in such ages, as in all others." British PM William Ewart Gladstone (1809-98) called the Quran "an accursed book", saying "So long as there is this accursed book there will be no peace in the world."

Napoleon Bonaparte of France (1769-1821)

In 1798 budding French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) decided to conquer the Ottoman Empire, starting with Egypt, taking along a bunch of Orientalist scholars from his new Institut d'Egypt (which settles in Cairo), with the goal of cutting off British access to India, telling the Egyptian crowd in Alexandria "We are the true Muslims" and trying to sell them on being a fan of Muhammad. Too bad, they didn't buy it and got hostile, and the British and Turks kicked him back to Europe in 1801. At least some of his men discovered the Rosetta Stone, allowing ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics to finally be decoded. Actually, the invasion was a shock to the smug Ottoman Empire, which until then had believed it was superior, and now realized it had to catch up or sink, when it was already impossible.

British Adm. Sir William Sidney Smith (1764-1840) Bashir Chehab II of Lebanon (1767-1850)

On Mar. 3-7, 1799 after invading Egypt, Napoleon captured former Crusader port Jaffa, stinking himself up by executing all 3K of the garrison, pissing off the whole Ottoman army to resist to the last man. On Mar. 18 he sieged the port of Acre, which was defended by Ottomans assisted by the British navy under adm. Sir William Sidney Smith (1764-1840), causing him to give up after nine assaults. On Apr. 16 he won the Battle of Mt. Tabor, then returned to Acre, breached its walls with artillery on May 4, but after hearing about an approaching Ottoman army from Cyprus gave up on May 20, and returned to Egypt after uttering the soundbyte "That man made me miss my destiny" (referring to Smith). Lebanese emir #6 (1788-1840) Bashir Chehab (Shihab) II (1767-1850) refused to assist Nappy even though he and his family converted from Sunni Muslim to Marionite Christianity; a bloody war between the Marionites and Druzes in 1821-5 didn't get French aid either, even though Chehab won, but he ended up getting deposed by the Ottomans with British help in 1840, and the Chehab Dynasty founded in 1697 ended in 1842. A proclamation dated Apr. 20, 1799 making Palestine an independent Jewish state, which Nappy intended to proclaim from Jerusalem after taking Acre was trash-canned, conspiracy theories here, at least any Jews who wanted to restore their state knew they had to first take care of Britain and the Ottomans at the same time. Too bad that Euros had become Islam history ignoramuses by then and didn't seem to know about the thousand years of Hell that Islam had put the West through until the Ottomans were defeated militarily in the 1683 Battle of Vienna, else they would have dropped their petty squabbles and united behind an all-out push to destroy Islam off the face of the Earth then and there, which they might have actually accomplished by now, instead of making us face a resurgent Islam in the 21st century. Instead, Euros contented themselves with calling the Ottoman Empire the "sick man of Europe" and working to dismantle it and whittle it down to just Turkey, dismantling the caliphate in the 1920s then blithely believing that Islam was dead or would dissolve in the light of Science, only to get the rude shock of 9/11, welcome to T2. Poor little Israel of course was the canary in the mine that had to get sick so the West could believe that Islam was baack, stay tuned.

Karadorde Petrovic of Serbia (1768-1817) Milos Obrenovic of Serbia (1780-1860)

At long last, a victory for Christian infidels against the Muslim Ottoman Empire? On Feb. 14, 1804 the Massacre of the Serbian Knights (Seca Knezova) (Knezes) in the C square of Valjevo, Serbia by the Janissary dahias triggered the First Serbian Uprising against 3 cents. of Ottoman rule, led by Grand Leader (Veliki Vozd) Karadorde (Djordje) "Black George" Petrovic (1768-1817), which was brutally crushed by Oct. 7, 1813. On Apr. 24, 1815 after Karadorde Petrovic and most of the Serbian leaders escaped to the Austrian-Hungarian Empire, the Second Serbian Uprising against the Turks (ends July 26, 1817) began as the Serbian nat. council in Takovo proclaimed a revolt under Milos Obrenovich (1780-1860), who utters the soundbyte: "Here I am; here you are; war against the Turks!"; the Serbs went on to conquer the Pashaluk of Belgrade (Sanjak of Smederevo). On July 26, 1817 the Ottoman sultan recognized the new independent principality of Serbia, with capital at Belgrade, and the Second Serbian Uprising (begun 1815) ended with a V and partial autonomy for the Serbs, although they must pay a yearly infidel jizya tax to the sultan, who kept a garrison in Belgrade until 1867; on Nov. 6 Obrenovic was elected prince #1 of Serbia (until June 25, 1839); the Balkans began breaking out of Muslim rule; too bad, Serbs were mainly Orthodox Catholic, leading to a split with the Roman Catholic Austrians.

Stephen Decatur Jr. of the U.S. (1779-1820)

On May 10, 1801 after a $225K bribe is refused by the Jefferson admin., the pasha (eyalet) of Tripoli declared war on the U.S., starting the First Barbary (Barbary Coast) (Tripolitan) War (ends June 10, 1805) (2nd in 1815) between the U.S. and Sweden vs. Tripolitania and Morocco; on July 17 the U.S. fleet arrived in Tripoli with the schooners USS Enterprise and USS Constitution (AKA Old Ironsides) to do battle with the Quran-thumping Muslim Barbary pirates, who claimed the Quran gives them the right to make war on any nation not submitting to Sharia and take prisoners and booty - an early episode of Star Trek, and it's between the Stars and Strips and Islam? On Nov. 30, 1805 after the USS Constitution captured Tunisian vessels attempting to run the American blockade of Tripoli, causing the bey of Tunis to threaten war and send Tunisian envoy Sidi Soliman Mellimelli to negotiate full restitution and barter for tribute, he and his 11 attendants were greeted at the Washington Navy Yard with full military honors, becoming the first Muslim envoy to the U.S. Mellimelli requested that concubines be supplied as part of his accomodations at a Washington hotel. After seeing a delegation of Native Ams. and finding that they didn't follow Moses, Christ, or Muhammad, he called them "vile heretics", guess what Islam would have done to the entire continent if it had discovered it first. On Dec. 9 Pres. Jefferson invited him to the White House for a Ramadan iftar dinner at sunset instead of the usual 3:30 p.m. to accomodate him. After Jefferson refused to pay tribute, Mellimelli claimed that he will be beheaded for failure, after which the Yanks agreed to send gifts with him of equivalent value to the four horses and other gifts he brought; on Aug. 13, 2010 Pres. Obama referred to the event as the first iftar celebration in the White House, as if it were a custom, when they were barely able to tolerate the hideous barbaric extortionist at all, and Jefferson's study of the Quran made him reject any idea of paying jizya in favor of military attack on the Muslim pirates. On Mar. 3, 1815 the U.S. declared the Second Barbary (Algerian) (Algerine) War on Algiers, Tripoli and Tunis and their Ottoman Muslime Barbary pirates, who kept plundering U.S. ships to make up for what they claimed was not enough tribute as promised by the Quran, and scoffed at the nation of shopkeeping Jonathans and Quakers; on May 10 Commodore Stephen Decatur Jr. (1779-1820) sailed from New York with a flotilla of 10 ships, seized two Algerian ships in the Mediterranean then sailed into Algiers harbor, and on June 30 the dey of Algiers capitulated. In July-Aug. Decatur ended the piracy of Tunis and Tripoli, inducing similar treaties, and the pirates stopped collecting tribute from the U.S. and instead paid indemnities. No, they didn't stop to read the Muslim slime their Miranda rights or afford them a civil trial complete with fancy Jewish attorneys. When he returned to the U.S. and was given a banquet, Decatur uttered the famous soundbyte "Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in the right, but our country, right or wrong!" The whole experience caused Pres. Madison to sees the light and "federalize", suddenly wanting a peacetime army and navy as well as a national bank, and even increasing tariffs and internal improvements, causing the Federalist and Republican Parties to reverse roles as the former took up states rights and strict construction, leaving the latter to go abolitionist and win the U.S. Civil War of 1861-5 that ended the U.S. eyesore of Muslim-like slavery, although ironically a lot of Africans taken as slaves were Muslim at the time and were purchased from other African Muslims.

Mehmet Ali (1769-1849) Ibrahim Pasha of Egypt (1789-1848) Evelyn Baring, 1st Earl of Cromer (1841-1917)

In 1811 Egypt under Albanian import Pasha Mehmet (Muhammad) Ali (1769-1849) threw off the Mamluks, establishing a dynasty that ruled until 1952. He did it by inviting the Mamluk leaders to a banquet in Cairo, then having them murdered and sending his army to rout their forces, after which he tried to establish his own empire on the decaying remains of the Ottoman one, modernizing and Westernizing Egypt and nationalizing and confiscating as much land as he could from farmers while building armaments factories and a navy. In 1812 he captured the Hejaz, turning the Saudis against him, which he took care of by capturing family head Abdullah ibn Saud and executing him. In 1820 he began taking over Sudan, using it as a base to capture Nubian slaves and expand towards Ethiopia and Uganda, founding the city of Khartoum (Arabic for elephant's trunk) in 1823 at the junction of the Blue and White Nile Rivers. Too bad, he got too big for his britches and agreed to help the sultan crush the Greek revolt in return for a gift of Crete, and after his son Ibrahim Pasha (1789-1848) stunk himself up in the Peloponnese since 1825 with horrible Allah-pleasing atrocities, his navy, commanded by an Ottoman admiral was sunk by the Europeans (British, French and Russians) on Oct. 20, 1827 at the naval Battle of Navarino Bay in Pylos, Greece, causing him to build another and try to take Syria and the Levant from the Ottomans in 1831 (they owed him, right?), and in 1838 he declared complete independence, but Britain, Austria-Hungary, Prussia and Russia intervened to force him to give up Syria and Crete in 1840 in return for recognizing his right to hereditary rule over Egypt and Sudan while remaining an Ottoman vassal. At least he wasn't into jihad against the West but just wanted to enjoy his gains. Back then the West was smart about Islam and saw their chance to divide and conquer, and started to work on Egypt by offering them the old Trojan Horse, the Suez Canal, which opened in 1869, halving the journey time between naval superpower Britain and India, and no surprise, in 1882 partially-Westernized Egypt was stolen away from the Ottoman Empire by Britain, becoming a British protectorate at the start of WWI in 1914. This was just another step toward Ottoman collapse, yawn, where's my ottoman. Too bad, British Lord Evelyn Baring, 1st Earl of Cromer (1841-1917), who oversaw the British occupation, clearly saw that their progress was "arrested" by Islam, which made their minds "strange" to Western concepts, "as would be the mind of an inhabitant of Saturn", but suffered from the illusion that Islam would become kaput as soon as the benighted Muslim losers were shown the Western light, uttering the soundbyte: "Islam as a social system has been a complete failure... The degradation of women in the East is a canker that begins its destructive work early in childhood, and has eaten into the whole system of Islam", proposing the solution that Muslims "be persuaded or forced into imbibing the true spirit of Western civilization", thinking that all it would take is a little of this and a little of that and shazaam, they'd throw their Qurans into the fire and start boogeying in the hallways, a sad misunderestimation of the power of the Horrorkran that persists to this day. Meanwhile on May 19, 1834 the 1834 Arab Revolt in Palestine began over attempts at conscription into the Egyptian army of Mehmet Ali, causing Qasim al-Ahmad to rally the Arab clans and notify Egyptian officials that they won't supply any more troops, causing Mehmet Ali's son Ibraham Pasha to send troops, after which Qasim led his forces from Nablus, aided by the Abu Ghosh clan, entering Jerusalem on May 31, attacking Christians and Jews until Ibrahim's Egyptian army routed them in June. The whole affair raised Arab consciousness and created the first Arab Palestinian consciousness. By the way, after pogroms in Europe and the opening of the Suez Canal attracted them, the Jewish pop. of Egypt was 75K-80K by the end of WWI, but by 2004 it was down to less than 100.

Alexander Ypsilanti of Greece (1792-1828) Demetrius Ypsilanti of Greece (1793-1832) Marco Bozzaris of Greece (1788-1823) Theodoros Kolokotronis of Greece (1770-1843) Prince Alexandros Mavrokordatos of Greece (1791-1865) Andreas Vokos Miaoulis of Greece (1768-1835) Archbishop Germanos of Patros (1771-1826) Lord Byron (1788-1824)

On Mar. 6, 1821 after groaning under Ottoman oppression since the fall of Constantinople in 1453, an uprising in Jassy, Wallachia sparks the successful Greek War of Independence (Rev.) (Reign of Terror) against the Ottoman Empire (ends July 21, 1832) after the secret Filiki Eteria (Society of Friends) (founded 1814) declares independence on Mar. 17 and proclaims a liberal repub. constitution; brothers Alexander Ypsilanti (Ypsilantis) (1792-1828) and Demetrius (Demetrios) Ypsilanti (Ypsilantis) (1793-1832) lead a small force of gay Greeks; Britain suspects "a fixed intention to make Constantinople a seat of her power", and begins negotiations to keep Russia out of it, and even though Alexander Ypsilanti is aide-de-camp to Tsar Alexander I and head of the Philike Hetaeria, the tsar refuses to aid them, and the revolt is crushed in a few mo. (300 Greeks vs. 30K Turks?); meanwhile on Mar. 22 another uprising in Morea (Peloponnesus) begins in Patras in W Greece, led by Archbishop Germanos of Patra (1771-1826); until 1824 the Greeks, led by Top Guns Bozo, Loco, Maverick, and Sidewinder, er, Marco Bozzaris (1788-1823) (subject of a cool poem by Am. poet Fitz-Greene Halleck (1790-1867)), Teodoros Kolokotronis (1770-1843), Prince Alexandros Mavrokordatos (1791-1865), and Andreas Vokos Miaoulis (1768-1835) fight without foreign support for their F-14 Tomcats, although a handful of Euro wannabe Alexander the Greats volunteer, incl. fat, club-footed British poet George Gordon Byron (Noel), 6th Baron Byron (OE "cow barn") (1788-1824) and his four pet geese, who gamely rush in to aid the cause of the oppressed Greeks, gaining the sympathy of the British public; one of Byron's numerous yo-yo diets is soda biscuits and vinegar?; the Greek revolt sparks Muslim demonstrations against Christians in Jerusalem, esp. the Greek Orthodox, while Ottoman authorities try to protect them.

Russian Tsar Nicholas I (1795-1855) Queen Victoria of Britain (1819-1901) Cardinal John Henry Newman (1801-90) Sir Richard Burton (1821-90) Charles Darwin (1809-82) Karl Marx (1818-83)

To recap, after 1683 the horrible Ottoman Empire, spawn of Satan was effectively qurantined, er, quarantined as a criminal enterprise, and fell more and more behind the West, causing Orthodox Christian Russian tsar (1825-55) Nicholas I (1796-1855) to call it "the sick man of Europe". The 19th cent. saw Britain expand worldwide via its navy, creating "the empire on which the Sun never sets" under Anglican Christian queen (1837-1901) Victoria (1819-1901). In 1838 the Treaty of Balta Liman with Britain was the start of major Euro power interference in the Ottoman Empire. As Christian mostly Protestant nations Britain, Russia, Austria, Germany, and the U.S. became new giant kids on the world block, the Ottoman Empire began to fracture as its former vassals revolted, starting with Greece in 1821-9, Romania in 1859, and Bulgaria in 1876-8, contracting around Turkey, which became a poor backward hellhole filled with hookah-smoking pashas, slaves and buggers, all headed straight to Muhammad's paradise of Hell. Too bad, in 1853-6 the Crimean War saw Protestant Britain side with Muslim Turkey against Orthodox Catholic Russia, causing history-versed English future Cardinal John Henry Newman (1801-90) to complain that it besmirched British integrity to prop up the Ottomans, what did he know, he bolted the Anglican Church for the Roman Catholic Church. Meanwhile, although there were no Muslims left in Europe, the British and French began invading Muslim lands, and in 1830 the French colonized Athens, and in 1839 the British colonized Aden. Too bad, the superior Christian White is Right British Empire stunk itself up in India in 1857 with the Sepoy Revolt, which they started by forcing Muslim soldiers to use new paper cartridges that were greased with pig fat and had to be bitten off, violating their halal food code, and compounded by a false story about a Black Hole of Calcutta set up by the Nawab of Bengal on June 19, 1756, which was to say the least exaggerated. Of course after atrocities on both sides the Brits won, and ruled India with a mean iron hand, their White Man's Burden and all that rot, pip pip, bloody bloody. Meanwhile in 1853 (100 years before TLW's birth) big brain polyglot English explorer Sir Richard Francis Burton (1821-90) dressed up as an Arab and snuck into Mecca to wow Euros with the stories, too bad he didn't bring a suitcase nuke, along with his translations of the 1001 Nights and the Kama Sutra, thanks for the memories. Meanwhile on Nov. 24, 1859 English biologist Charles Robert Darwin (1809-82) pub. his world-shaking book On the Origin of Species, causing an intellectual and social upheaval in the West as people began to realize that all revealed religion, Jewish, Christian, and Muslim is moose hockey since God didn't create man in the Garden of Eden or anything else, he evolved from apes and trilobites, a wait till later I'll give you the details but throw off religion now kind of thing, causing German Jewish intellectual (who liked to study in the British Museum in London) Karl Marx (1818-83) to get jets and find the missing ingredient in his Communist theories that wasn't supplied by the Christian Gospels, causing him to coin the immortal sayings "Religion is the opium of the people" and "Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the spirit of a spiritless situation", along with the conclusion "The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the peo*ple is required for their real happiness." Too bad, the new godless Darwinian survival of the fittest rulers threw the baby out with the bathwater and dumped the entire Judaeo-Christian moral code, ruining the world with two horrible world wars and setting it back maybe 50 years while leaving the Muslim World basically untouched, allowing it to plan a retro comeback while gloating that even their horrible cruel Ottoman sultans weren't as bad as Stalin, Mao or Hitler, probably because they believed in some kind of God. Talk about missed chances, Marx didn't like Islam any more than he did Christianity, and recognized it for what it was: "Islamism proscribes the nation of the Infidels, constituting a state of permanent hostility between the Mussulman and the unbeliever." But since he lived in a Christian world, his followers went after Christianity first, sadly failing to realize that this would lead to a revival of Islam that threatened them as well, welcome to today. More precisely, the atheistic Soviets actually coddled Muslims because their empire covered so many Muslim states, and to coverup the mental contradiction that they were simultaneously attempting to extirpate all traces of Christendom while underestimating them by letting them stay Muslim as long as they pretended to be Communist, they would call Sharia an immature form of Socialism that they would evolve out of into secularism. Therefore, when the Soviet Union fell, they had actually helped the new Muslim states get more Islamic and close in on Russia, pass me some ipecac.

French Adm. Guy-Victor Duperré (1775-1846) French Gen. Louis-Auguste-Victor, Counte de Ghaisnes de Bourmont (1773-1846) Hussein Dey of Algiers (1765-1838)

On June 14, 1830 after a French armada of 600 ships under Adm. Guy-Victor Duperre (Duperré) (1775-1846) arrived, the French Conquest of Algeria began when a a force of 34K soldiers under Gen. Louis-Auguste-Victor, Count de Ghaisnes de Bourmont (1773-1846) began the Invasion of Algiers, landing at Sidi Ferruch (Fredj) 17 mi. W of Algiers, which is met by 19K Ottoman troops, 7K Turkish Janissaries, and 17K Berber Kabyles, who were defeated on June 19 at the Battle of Staoueli (Staouéli); on July 5 the French conquered and occupied the N African city of Algiers, causing Ottoman dey #29 of Algiers (since Mar. 1818) Hussein (Husayn) Dey (1765-1838) to go into exile in Naples, Italy in the French ship Jeanne d'Arc with his family and his personal wealth and harem intact, and the Janissaries to flee to Turkey, ending 313 years of Ottoman rule (since 1671), ending the threat of the Barbary pirates and the perfidy of the Brits who pay them tribute and encourage them to prey on French ships?; too bad, the French looted Algiers of 50M francs of assets while arresting and killing Algerians for arbitrary reasons, turning the Algerian people against them permanently; after the July Rev. Gen. de Bourmont refused to swear allegiance to Louis Philippe and is sacked from the army; the French Foreign Legion (Legion Etrangere) was founded to help police French colonial possessions in North Africa, esp. Algeria; a person from any nation except France could join and keep their identity secret while serving under French officers; it was disbanded in 1940-5 after they ended up being stationed in Calvi, Corsica, and Marseille.

In 1839 talking about the Sick Man of Europe, in response to the ascendancy of the West, under British pressure the crumbling Ottoman Empire and caliphate began the Tanzimat (Reorganization) Era (ended 1876), which featured modernization and secular reforms, starting with abolition of public slave markets in the 1840s, and eventually incl. religious tolerance, even decriminalization of homosexuality in 1858, which only pissed-off the hardcore Muslims more, leading to a reactionary movement that resisted all reforms. On Feb. 18, 1856 Ottoman Sultan Abdul Mejid I even issued the Imperial Rescript, containing the germs of individual liberty and constitutional govt. in a Muslim nation; too bad in Feb. after Muslim intolerance asserted itself, the Hamayouni (Hamayoni) Decree required express permission from the sultan for Christians to construct a new church or even repair one; it still hasn't been repealed. Still, in the light of the sell-out Ottoman caliphate, I guess the modern movement to restore the caliphate in order to enact homosexuality-hating Sharia will have to forget the old one.

Benjamin Disraeli of Britain (1804-81)

Meanwhile in 1868 and again in 1874-80 in Merry Ole England, Conservative Jewish-born Anglican convert Benjamin Disraeli (1804-81) worked his way up to prime minister, selling out his Jewishness for the glorious British Empire, while retaining a belief in Jewish racial superiority, especially his own, and uttering the immortal soundbyte when somebody tried dissing him for being Jewish: "Yes, I am a Jew, and when the ancestors of the right honorable gentleman were brutal savages in an unknown island, mine were priests in the temple of Solomon." Make it special, pure Hershey's. Too bad, he never backed the Zionist cause openly, although in secret who knows, although if so it's hard to figure out why he backed British support of the Ottoman Empire against Russian expansion.

Baha'u'llah (1817-92) The Bab (1819-50)

Persia also flirted with religious reform. During the reign of Naser al-Din Shah Qajar, the Shiite religious movement of Babism was founded by The Bab ("Gate") (Siyyid Ali Muhammad Shirazi) (1819-50). No surprise, it was persecuted, followed by the Baha'i Faith, whose founder Baha'u'llah ("glory of God") (Mirza Husayn Ali Nuri) (1817-92) claimed to be the next prophet in the line after Muhammad, which didn't set well with Muslims, and after the screws were applied by the Persians and Ottomans, there are only 5-6 million Baha'is left in the world today. Speaking of Persians and Ottomans, their last war to date (other than conflicts in Kurdistan, the non-state that straddles Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and Syria, and prides itself on cool cultured super-jihadist Saladin) was the Ottoman-Iranian (Ottoman-Qajar) War in 1821-3, which began with a Persian invasion of Turkey in the Lake Van region, followed by a counter-invasion of W Persia by the Ottoman pasha of Baghdad, resulting in a Persian V at the 1821 Battle of Erzurum, in which the modernized Westernized Persian army of 30K defeated a 50K-man Ottoman army, after which a peace treaty was signed in 1823, becoming the last war between Persia (Iran) and Turkey until ? It ironically gave Persians a superiority complex that we are now seeing escalate to infinity with a mad rush to become a nuclear power before Turkey, both of which fell for the secular Islam con and are restoring their Islamic jihadist and Sharia roots while the West is still clueless because they won't take the time to study this historyscope.

Joseph Smith Jr. (1805-44) Elvis Presley (1935-77) Brigham Young (1801-77) Brigham Young's Wives Donny Osmond (1957-) and Marie Osmond (1959-) Ken Jennings (1974-)

The New Kid on the Block U.S. also flirted with religious reform, mainly nutcase cults, incl. the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), founded in 1831 by New York Elvis lookalike Joseph Smith Jr. (1805-44), who was murdered by a mob and succeeded by Vt.-born Brigham Young (1801-77). Moronism began as an attempt to explain the embarrassing fact that the Bible doesn't seem to be aware of the existence of the New World, and of course it conveniently supplies the missing details with a new one that Smith just happened to dig up and which was disappeared before reputable scientists could check it out, Omnaris to the nose. Since Joseph the Pelvis was a horndog and attracted many hot babes to his cult, leading him to get caught doing it with them and requiring a new doctrine to justify it so he could keep his job as prophet, the Moron cult predictably not only went retro, adopting many Old Testament practices, but boldly went where no man in the U.S. had gone before, and adopted polygamy (plural marriage, in this case polygyny, several women to each man, like Islam and Judaism, only this time no limit, the American continent needs populating with white rabbits like Ken Jennings and the Osmonds), which they declared an official part of their religion in 1852 once they had found safe refuge in Ute Land, AKA Utah, pissing off the rest of the U.S., causing the U.S. Congress on July 8, 1862 to pass theU.S. Morrill Anti-Bigamy Act, signed by Pres. Abraham Lincoln, causing the Mormons to fight it to the U.S. Supreme Court, which in 1878 unanimously upheld the act, with the soundbyte "Laws are made for the government of actions, and while they cannot interfere with mere religious belief and opinions, they may with practices." Hopefully even the Muslims can't change that, in which case it will be the first nail in their coffin if they don't assimilate, hello, this is the collection agency, again? By the way, in his Notes on Religion (1776), American Founding Father Thomas Jefferson wrote the soundbyte: "Whatsoever is lawful in the Commonwealth or permitted to the subject in the ordinary way cannot be forbidden to him for religious uses; and whatsoever is prejudicial to the Commonwealth in their ordinary uses and, therefore, prohibited by the laws, ought not to be permitted to churches in their sacred rites. For instance, it is unlawful in the ordinary course of things or in a private house to murder a child; it should not be permitted any sect then to sacrifice children. It is ordinarily lawful (or temporarily lawful) to kill calves or lambs; they may, therefore, be religiously sacrificed. But if the good of the State required a temporary suspension of killing lambs, as during a siege, sacrifices of them may then be rightfully suspended also. This is the true extent of toleration." Also "If anything pass in a religious meeting seditiously and contrary to the public peace, let it be punished in the same manner and no otherwise than as if it had happened in a fair or market." Also by the way, Founding Father Samuel Adams, in his Nov. 20, 1772 Report of the Committee of Correspondence titled The Rights of the Colonists, wrote the soundbyte: "In regard to religion, mutual toleration in the different professions thereof is what all good and candid minds in all ages have ever practised, and, both by precept and example, inculcated on mankind. And it is now generally agreed among Christians that this spirit of toleration, in the fullest extent consistent with the being of civil society, is the chief characteristical mark of the Church. Insomuch that Mr. Locke has asserted and proved, beyond the possibility of contradiction on any solid ground, that such toleration ought to be extended to all whose doctrines are not subversive of society. The only sects which he thinks ought to be, and which by all wise laws are excluded from such toleration, are those who teach doctrines subversive of the civil government under which they live." Also by the way, a side-by-side comparison of Joseph Smith's life and work with that of Muhammad reveals that Smith was a copycat, the Quran his secret veapon, like those law students who take the bar exam two, three, four times.

Abdelkader El-Djezairi (1808-83)

On July 16, 1860 a Muslim uprising in Damascus massacres 6K Christians and destroys the Christian quarter before Algerian-born Sufi leader Abdelkader El-Djezairi (1808-83) intervenes to stop it, becoming an internat. hero despite devoting his life to stopping Westernization of the Muslim World - no more Pauls on Straight Street?

Statue of Liberty Ellis Island

After the U.S. Civil War of 1861-5 ended African slavery, the U.S. entered a new phase on Jan. 1, 1892 with the opening of Ellis Island, which inspected 12 million mainly Euro non-Muslim immigrants by the time it closed on Nov. 12, 1954, making the U.S. a true nation of did I say non-Muslim immigrants? The big problem with assimilation was with the Roman Catholic and Jewish immigrants, which caused a lot of dirty laundry but came out pretty much all right, proving that the U.S. Constitution could handle them all without breaking, because while Catholics brought in loyalty to the Vatican, and Jews to Zionism and Israel, they didn't seek to impose a new constitution but found ways to peacefully coexist under the U.S. one, and the Catholics united with the Protestants against the threat of world Communism, and backed the creation of the state of Israel, making the U.S. the #1 power on Earth. The Statue of Liberty, dedicated on Oct. 28, 1886 became the symbol of the U.S., with a torch-bearing Greek babe in robes but no burqa in sight, sorry Allah Akbars.

Giuseppe Garibaldi of Italy (1807-82) Pope Pius IX (1792-1878)

Meanwhile in Italy an anti-Catholic secularist movement was gaining steam, led by Giuseppe Garibaldi (1807-82), who attacked the Papal States in 1862, but was attacked and defeated by the Italian govt., then visited London in 1864, where the crowds chanted "We'll get a rope and hang the pope so up with Garibaldi!", after which he returned in 1866 with the Italian govt. on his side, and in 1867 after failing to capture Rome from the papal army he attended a congress in Geneva, uttering the soundbyte "The papacy, being the most harmful of all secret societies, ought to be abolished." Finally in 1870 after he suddenly decided to go against the Italian majority and support France in its war with Prussia, the Italian army captured the Papal States without his help, and Rome ceased to be governed by the popes, becoming the new capital of a united Italy. Meanwhile, anti-modern Pope (1846-78) Pius IX (1792-1878) played his Peter Card and had himself declared the beneficiary of official Papal Infallibility in matters of faith and morals in Vatican I (First Vatican Council) (Dec. 8, 1869-Oct. 20, 1870), stinking himself up by urging the govt. to drop plans for free mandatory public education, calling it a "plague" aimed at "totally destroying Catholic schools", while urging Italian Catholics to emigrate to the U.S. to infiltrate it and take it over. After that didn't work because they got an even better education and learned to love the U.S. Constitution, never mind the Sicilian Mafia, on June 7, 1929 the Lateran Treaty was signed, making Vatican City into its own state, and retaining Roman Catholicism as the Italian state religion. On June 3, 1985 after a long struggle against godless Communism while stinking itself up by its fence-sitter position on Communist-hating Nazism, the Vatican signed the 1985 Vatican Concordat with Italy, reaffirming the Vatican's independence along with religious freedom for non-Catholics, but ending Rome's status as a sacred city, along with the Roman Catholic Church's status as the state religion of Italy.

In 1865 the Young Ottomans secret society is founded in Turkey by a group of pro-Western intellectuals who want to modernize the Ottoman Empire and adopt a constitutional govt. while clinging to Islam - a self-defeating effort?

Christiaan Snouck Hurgronge (1857-1936)

In 1873 the Aceh (Dutch) (Infidel) War between the sultanate of Aceh and the Netherlands began (ends 1913). In 1889 after advice by Dutch Islam convert Christiaan Snouck Hurgronje (1857-1936), the Dutch govt. began applying Dutch Politiek, a policy of discouraging political Islam in Indonesia while letting the natives keep their Islam and its polygamy, with a view toward long-term Christanization and/or secularization. After the 1912 founding of Sarekat (Dagang) Islam, a Javanese batik traders cooperative that promoted Islamic modernism, the war ended in 1913 after 50K-100K were killed and 1M wounded.

Swami Dayananda Saraswati (1824-83)

In 1875 Hindu Swami Dayanand Saraswati (1824-83) pub. Satyarth Prakash (The Light of Truth), and internat. hit. that contains a comparative analysis of religions, esp. slamming Islam; "The object aimed at by this criticism is to contribute to the elevation of the human race and to enable all men to sift truth from falsehood by giving them some idea of the teachings of various prevalent religions, as this will afford them opportunities for friendly discussions so useful in helping men to point-out their defects and to appreciate their merits"; "Having thus given a cursory view of the Koran, I lay it before the sensible person with the purpose that they should know what kind of a book the Koran is. I have no hesitation to say that it cannot be the work of either God or of a learned man, nor can it be a book of knowledge. Here its very vital defect has been exposed with the object that people may not waste their life falling into its imposition. The Koran is the result of ignorance, the source of animalization of human beings, a fruitful cause of destroying peace, an incentive to war, and propagator of hostility among men and a promoter of suffering in society. As to defect of repetition, the Koran is its store."

Sultan Abdul Hamid II (1842-1918) Sultan Murad V of Turkey (1840-1904) Midhat Pasha of Turkey (1822-83) Huseyin Avni Pasha of Turkey (1820-76)

On May 30, 1876 after he waffles in the face of massacres of Muslim peasants in Bosnia and Bulgaria, sultan (since June 25, 1861) Abdul Aziz I is deposed by war minister Huseyin Avni Pasha (1820-76), backed by Turkish liberal statesman Midhat Pasha (1822-83), causing him to commit suicide on June 4; on May 30 he is succeeded as Ottoman sultan #33 by his Francophile nephew Murad V (1840-1904), who is deposed on Aug. 31 because of nervousness and mental incapacity after he proves unable to cope with the outbreak of war, the mobilization of his army, and the flood of Muslim refugees from the Balkans; on June 15 Huseyin Avni Pasha is assassinated at a cabinet meeting with Murad V; on Aug. 31 he is succeeded by his despotic brother Abdul Hamid (Abdulhamid) II (the Damned) (the Great Assassin) (the Red Sultan) (1842-1918) as Ottoman sultan #34 (until Apr. 27, 1909), who initially promises the Young Ottomans to support a constitutional govt., and lets Midhat Pasha secure the promulgation of the first-ever 1876 Ottoman Constitution on Dec. 23, providing for a bicameral parliament and civil liberties, but reserves most powers to himself.

El Mahdi of Sudan (1844-85) British Gen. Charles Chinese Gordon (1833-85)

On June 29, 1881 Sudanese Sufi Samaniyya Sheikh Muhammad Ahmed (1844-85) began a revolt against the Ottoman-Egyptian govt., proclaiming himself the Mahdi, the one chosen by Allah to lead a jihad against infidel British, Egyptians, and other Sunni Muslims in order to prepare for the Second Coming of Christ (Isa), setting up a Mahdist regime with its own caliph (him) and its own modified Sharia (fight for him rather than go to Mecca, add him to their daily prayers, click on hook-up-my-space?) while coincidentally seeking to restore the Arab slave trade in African blacks which the British had just spent a decade eradicating. After an Egyptian army commanded by British officers was massacred, the British cabinet under Gladstonian paralysis refused to send help, and in Dec. ordered the Egyptians to evacuate Khartoum, sending famed Gen. Charles George "Chinese" Gordon (1833-85), who refused to obey and died defending Khartoum on Jan. 26, 1885 two days before a relief army arrived, the scandal causing the Gladstone govt. to fall. Too bad for the Mahdi, he unexpectedly died of typhus on June 22, 1885, I guess Allah didn't pick him after all, he just had an Ahnuld complex because of his gap-toothed smile. "I am a poor man of the desert, but I am the Mahdi, the expected one. On my cheek, the mole; between my teeth, the space... All Islam must know who I am and believe... The Nile will taste of blood for a hundred miles") (Laurence Olivier as the Mahdi in the 1966 film Khartoum, starring Charleton Heston as Gordon).

On Feb. 29, 1892 the U.S. Supreme Court ruled unanimously in Church of the Holy Trinity v. the U.S. that foreign Christian ministers are not foreign laborers under the 1885 U.S. Alien Contract Labor Law because the U.S. is a Christian nation, and that makes them exempt, with Justice Brewer writing the soundbytes: "Nor are we bound by any expressions in the Constitution, as some have strangely supposed, either not to punish at all, or to punish indiscriminately the like attacks upon the religion of Mahomet or of the Grand Lama, and for this plain reason, that the case assumes that we are a Christian people, and the morality of the country is deeply engrafted upon Christianity, and not upon the doctrines or worship of those impostors", "These, and many other matters which might be noticed, add a volume of unofficial declarations to the mass of organic utterances that this is a Christian nation", and "It is a familiar rule, that a thing may be within the letter of the statute and yet not within the statute, because not within its spirit, nor within the intention of its makers", introducing the Soft Plain Meaning Rule, in opposition to textualism, which later pisses-off Justice Antonin Scalia, who calls it "nothing but an invitation to judicial lawmaking". In 1905 Brewer pub. The United States: A Christian Nation, containing the soundbyte: "But in what sense can it be called a Christian nation? Not in the sense that Christianity is the established religion or that people are in any matter compelled to support it. On the contrary, the Constitution specifically provides that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." Neither is it Christian in the sense that all of its citizens are either in fact or name Christian. On the contrary, all religions have free scope within our borders. Numbers of our people profess other religions, and many reject all. Nor is it Christian in the sense that a profession of Christianity is a condition of holding office or otherwise engaging in public service, or essential to recognition either politically or socially. In fact, the government as a legal organization is independent of all religions. Nevertheless, we constantly speak of this republic as a Christian Nation - in fact, as the leading Christian Nation of the world. This popular use of the term certainly has significance. It is not a mere creation of the imagination. It is not a term of derision but has substantial basis - one which justifies its use."

British Field Marshal Lord Kitchener (1850-1916) G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

On Sept. 2, 1898 the British under Field Marshal Horatio Herbert Kitchener, 1st Earl Kitchener (1850-1916) defeated the Mahdi's successor Abdallahi ibn Muhammad (1846-99) at the Battle of Omdurman using Maxim guns to mow the Allah-Akbar idiots down. Meanwhile the Marchand Mission of 150 French troops under military emissary Jean-Baptiste Marchand (1863-1934) raced toward the Nile River from Libreville (Gabon) with the cooperation of the govt. of the Congo, reaching it after 14 mo. of hard trekking in C Africa at Fashoda (Kodok) in S Sudan on July 10, 1898, and hoisting the French flag, splitting Sudan between them and the Brits. Speaking of Allah-Akbar idiots and why why why they don't give it up and join the human race, in 1917 Kitchener's admirer G.K. (Gilbert Keith) Chesterton (1874-1936) pub. Lord Kitchener, with the soundbyte: "The paradox of all this part of his life lies in this – that, destined as he was to be the greatest enemy of Mahomedanism, he was quite exceptionally a friend of Mahomedans." Also the memorable soundbyte about Islam: "The great creed born in the desert creates a kind of ecstasy out of the very emptiness of its own land, and even, one may say, out of the emptiness of its own theology. It affirms, with no little sublimity, something that is not merely the singleness but rather the solitude of God. There is the same extreme simplification in the solitary figure of the Prophet; and yet this isolation perpetually reacts into its own opposite. A void is made in the heart of Islam which has to be filled up again and again by a mere repetition of the revolution that founded it. There are no sacraments; the only thing that can happen is a sort of apocalypse, as unique as the end of the world; so the apocalypse can only be repeated and the world end again and again. There are no priests; and yet this equality can only breed a multitude of lawless prophets almost as numerous as priests. The very dogma that there is only one Mahomet produces an endless procession of Mahomets. Of these the mightiest in modern times were the man whose name was Ahmed, and whose more famous title was the Mahdi; and his more ferocious successor Abdullahi, who was generally known as the Khalifa. These great fanatics, or great creators of fanaticism, succeeded in making a militarism almost as famous and formidable as that of the Turkish Empire on whose frontiers it hovered, and in spreading a reign of terror such as can seldom be organised except by civilisation."

In 1912 Italy took over Libya, while France took over Morocco, placating them by promising them their independence after the Ottoman Empire was overthrown, while treating Islam as a contemptible superstition and giving Christian missionaries a free hand to try educating them out of it, which was a mixed bag. Speaking of contemptible white supremacy, did I mention the June 13, 1906 Denshawai Incident, where five British army officers visiting Denshawai, Egypt to shoot domestic pigeons pissed-off the villagers, who demonstrated against them, after which they opened fire, wounding five and setting fire to their grain, after which the villagers captured but didn't harm them. Too bad, two officers escaped, and one died of heat stroke trying to get away, after which mean Egyptian gov. (since 1879) Sir Evelyn Baring, Lord Cromer sent the British army in, arresting 52 villagers and railroading four of them to death sentences for murdering the sunstroked whitey, crassly hanging them in front of their families while flogging 80 others with 50 lashes each, then imprisoning an Egyptian policeman for telling the truth. "May Allah compensate us well for this world of meanness, for this world of injustice, for this world of cruelty" (hanged man Darweesh's last words). Baring, ahem, stepped down the next year after Edward VII made him a member of the British Order of Merit, no wonder Egyptians can't stand the Brits or their culture and don't want to jettison Islam for Christianity, one episode Islam can't be blamed for directly.

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Jamal al-Din al-Afghan (1838-97) Muhammad Abduh (1849-1905)

Speaking of fucking women like sheep, let's be honest, by the late 19th century the awesome power of the rich technologically advanced West over the backward poverty-stricken Muslim Sharia World was overwhelming, causing the former Allah Akbars to put on the harmless religion of peace act as a form of survival, even claiming to adopt Western civilization as so called secular Muslims, the veritable wolf in sheep's clothing, which was too bad, since if the Western powers hadn't chewed each other up over the Old Order, Communism, racism and the Jews, they could have ended Islam's existence by military means, taking the children and women away from the men to end the cycle and bringing up a new generation free of Allah, with nobody caring about some Jews moving into Israel anymore, perhaps avoiding both WWI and WWI and all the megadeaths. Instead, the Muslim World got to lie low and chunk in the change for its oil, and as the 20th century ended it began to show its real goal of getting nukes and, er, forget it, I'm hallucinating again, I better paddle myself. Somebody had to stick his neck out and start it, and his name was Jamal al-Din al-Afghan (1839-97), a crypto Shiite-Sunni Persian-Arab thinker who founded a movement for pan-Islamic unity, known for being "less interested in theology than he was in organizing a Muslim response to Western pressure", don't miss a trick, unity not jihad, yet. He blamed the decline of Islamic countries and their systematic occupation by the West on taqlid (Arabic for "place a collar around one's neck"), a "blind and unquestioned clinging to the past", and the failure to accept the Western idea that man is the measure of all things. His Egyptian student Muhammad Abduh (1849-1905) picked up where he left off, trying to modernize Islam and make it more rational, recognizing human rights and even chucking polygamy while retaining the Quran, I don't know whether to laugh or cry, he still wears a rag on his head. Al-Afghani's favorite soundbyte was that "Islam was in harmony with the principles discovered by scientific reason, indeed was the religion demanded by reason", accept this or I'll kill you. Both of them founded Islamic Modernism, an oxymoron that sounds suspiciously like Jihad: II.

Muhammad Rashid Rida (1865-1935) Sir Muhammad Iqbal (1877-1938)

Abduh's Syrian-born student Muhammad Rashid Rida (1865-1935) took up where they left off, eventually founding a movement to restore the caliphate after it was rashly ridded, er, abolished in 1924. Meanwhile the mainly non-violent 1919 Egyptian Revolution against the British resulted in limited independence in 1922, encouraging the mainly non-violent Indian independence movement led by Mohandas Gandhi, but since they're Hindus not Muslims I'll only mention it, moo moo oink oink. It took another 20 years and a wee bit of violence to get the Anglo-Egyptian Treaty of 1936, where the Brits agreed to pull all their troops out of Egypt, while maintaining those guarding the Suez Canal for another 20 years. By then Punjabi-born Sir Muhammad Iqbal (1877-1938) had tried to modernize the concept of Ijtihad (independent juristic interpretation from the *!?!* mullahs), the Sunnis claiming the "gates of Ijtihad" had been closed in the 10th cent., while the Shiites left them open, and Iqbal claimed they were still open for Sunnis, infidel George Washington just wouldn't do, allowing some sort of secular democratic Muslim state, help yourself to Muslim happiness, not that anybody would want to live in it, which resulted in the creation of Pakistan in 1947, it's like flying a brick, which I'll get to later. Meanwhile the Christian pop. of Egypt of around 10% were kept down and forced to live like dogs while the West turned a blind eye to them, instead playing dhimmi and appeasing Islam by sending them endless jizya mislabeled as foreign aid. When will this reverse? Check back with me later, hopefully soon.

Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (1839-1908)

Speaking of wolf in sheep's clothing in Pakistan. On Mar. 23, 1889 Punjabi-born Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (1839-1908) declared himself the Mahdi and Messiah and founded the Muslim Ahmadiyya sect (named after Muhammad not himself, he claims), which intiates new members by joining hands and reciting a pledge, and claims that Jesus died a natural death without being crucified or ascending to heaven but instead went to India, and since he appeared 1,400 years after Moses, and died in his backyard, he is again appearing 1,400 years after Muhammad, say goodbye to the old way of thinking with Quranic clarity. After being rejected by the rest of Islam and persecuted, the 4M followers in Pakistan were declared non-Muslims by the govt. in 1974 for denying that Muhammad is the final prophet. The sect founded a mosque in New York City in 1921, claiming to be the first Am.-Muslim org., and later dissing Islamic terrorism as non-Islamic with lit. that's chuck full of nuts.

Abdullah Quilliam (1856-1932) Maajid Nawaz (1978-)

Meanwhile back in Christian-but-increasingly-atheist Britain, on Dec. 25, 1887 after converting to Islam Abdullah (William Henry) Quilliam (1856-1932) founded the Liverpool Muslim Inst., going on to convert 150+ English people to Islam and building Britain's first mosque, after which Pakistani-born Maajid Nawaz (1978-), member for 14 years of the Sharia-loving caliph-desiring Hizb ut-Tahrir (Liberation Party) suddenly claimed to have a change in heart and devote his life to fighting Islamic extremism, with the soundbyte "After learning through my studies that Islamism was not the religion of Islam, but rather a modern political ideology, I no longer felt guilty simply for criticising political system inspired by 7th century norms", in 2008 founding the Quilliam Foundation in London, which battles "the Narrative", "that the West is waging a war against Islam and Muslims to destroy Islam, and that the only way to stop this war is for Muslims to start fighting back on all fronts against the West". Why don't I believe he's honest, and suspect he's just a Muslim disinfo. expert? Was it the time he called for a new Western Islam modelled after al-Andalusia (711-1492), or the time he came out against hero Geert Wilders, calling him an "ill-informed, hate-driven bigot", calling him out to a debate "in which we will argue that Islam is compatible with secular democracy and that, contrary to what he apparently believes, Muslims are not a threat to Europe and its values", no more than the Moors were to the Christian Visigoths and French.

U.S. Gen. John Joseph 'Black Jack' Pershing (1860-1948)

In 1913 the Moro Rebellion in the S Philippines by Muslims that began in 1899 was crushed by U.S. troops under Gen. John Joseph "Black Jack" Pershing (1860-1948), who allegedly scared them shitless by executing captured rebels with bullets rubbed in pig blood and fat, then burying them with dead pigs, relying on their belief that the contamination will override their jihadist paradise passes, and supposedly scaring them out of terrorism for 50 years. Okay, the story is probably fiction, maybe he did, may he only threatened it, but his soldiers definitely did use pigs in Muslim burials to spook the superstitious morons, and Pershing did bring a pig's head to a ceasefire negotation, but even with modern Islamic terrorists some are probably so retro they will buckle while others like the 9/11 terrorists who visited nudie bars and drank alcohol might laugh it off, not that it isn't worth trying, how about parachuting a bunch of famished pigs into areas controlled by the Taliban, al-Qaida, ISIS, etc. then picking the fighters off with drones as they come out to either kill or run away from them, just kidding, too cruel to the pigs.

Armenian Genocide Patriarch Bartholomew I (1940-)

So Islam was only badass in the distant past, this is the 20th century, and now it's a religion of love and peace? Puleese. During World War I, while the world was looking the other way, Ottoman Turkey showed the world that Islam as a govt. power doesn't deserve to survive the 21st century by its Armenian Genocide starting on Apr. 24, 1915, when it began arresting, raping, massacring, and uprooting Christian Orthodox Armenians from their homes, forcing the survivors to march hundreds of miles without food and water through Turkey to the barren deserts of Syria, killing 1M to 1.5M by 1918, all because they weren't Muslims, and were considered to be working for Christian Russia, after which the Ottoman and later Turkish govts. stunk itself up even more by denying it while working to keep their own citizens history ignoramuses about it. This would likely be the fate of any European govt. that let enough Muslims immigrate that they could take over the govt. and become the majority, staring us right in the history ignoramus faces, so study it well for your own survival and that of your grandkids. History buff Adolf Hitler later said he was inspired by the Armenian Genocide. Speaking of genocide, the Greek Orthodox Christian pop. of Turkey was systematically persecuted from 2M in 1900 to 500K after the 1923 Population Exchange to less than 50K after the 1955 Istanbul Pogrom to less than 4K now, and those few are treated like 9th class merde by the 99% Muslim pop., as described in a 60 Minutes segment on Orthodox Ecumenical Patriarch (since 1991) Bartholomew I (1940-) that aired on Dec. 20, 2009, but didn't mention the desecration of cemeteries in 1993, 1997, and 1998, multiple bomb attacks on the Phanaris HQ in Istanbul, etc.

Not that the Western values of freedom and democracy we all cherish were a gimme. Most of the 20th century was wasted fighting against last-gasp attempts at retro fascist Euro dictatorships, usually fueled by ever-popular anti-Semitism, with dreams of a new Charlemagne dancing in their heads.

Houston Stewart Chamberlain (1855-1927)

Did I mention that anti-Semitism was festering bigtime in Europe throughout the 19th century, especially in Germany? In 1899 British-born Germanophile Houston Stewart Chamberlain (1855-1927) pub. The Foundations of the Nineteenth Century (Die Grundlagen des Neunzehnten Jahrhunderts), which became a big hit with the pan-Germanic "Aryan" movement, claiming that the "noble" Aryan race (Germans, Celts, Slavs, Greeks, Latins) (all descended from the Proto-Indo-Europeans) have always ruled Euro civilization, and of course the Nordic or Teutonic peoples are at the top of the Aryan heap, with the soundbyte "Physically and mentally the Aryans are pre-eminent among all peoples; for that reason they are by right... the lords of the world. Do we not see the homo syriacus develop just as well and as happily in the position of slave as of master? Do the Chinese not show us another example of the same nature?" According to him, the Germanic takedown of the Roman Empire was good because the Romans were infected with pesky hooked-nose "homo judaeica" (Jews), who were "infusing Near Eastern poison into the European body politic". "All historically great races and nations have been produced by mixing, but wherever the difference of type is too great to be bridged over, then we have mongrels." Sounds good, until he claimed that since Jesus is God, he must have really not been Jewish, but Aryan. After selling 100K copies by the start of WWII, Kaiser Wilhelm II awarded him a medal in 1916 and gave him German citizenship, after which Hitler lapped it up and guess what happened. Funny that Hitler's British appeaser was named you know what. Meanwhile the infamous Protocols of the Elders of Zion were forged by the tsarist regime in Russia in 1903 to blame its troubles on the tiny minority of Jews, and spread throughout the world, taking root in Europe, the U.S., and the Islamic world after the first Arabic trans. appeared in 1951. It's probably still a bestseller today on the Internet, although it's a total work of fiction, as if real Jews would write it all down in Russian not Hebrew and leave it where their worst enemies could get it, then not later claim copyright when they saw all the millions being printed, when not dodging horrible pogroms that is. The nice part about it is that every time the Jews overcome some obstacle to have a good future, the Protocols are dragged out and cited to prove it was all part of their insidious age-old plan to take over the world sans numbers or army, just pure brains, despite being an inferior race, while if something bad happens to the Jews, the Protocols are dragged out and cited to prove that the good guys are beating them, call it a new self-fulfilling edition of St. Mazel Tov's Revelation. Okay, since Charlemagne the Jews were into banking and interest, after they were forced into it by Christendom as fit only for lowlife scum like them, not for good Christians, who reserved real jobs in govt. and military service for themselves. Prominent old Jewish banking families include the Rothschild ("red shield") Family, the Pereire (Péreire) Family, the Warburg Family, and the Oppenheim Family, who between them are alleged to help Jews control the world through the international banking system, which after WWII they have made so convoluted and interdependent that they can starve any country that gets pesky at will, except Muslim ones of course, they are into Islamic banking that has a different set of rules.

Emperor Franz Joseph I of Austria-Hungary (1830-1916) Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria (1863-1914) Duchess Sophie of Hohenberg (1868-1914) Archduke Franz Ferdinand (1863-1914) and Duchess Sophie (1868-1914), June 28, 1914 Gavrilo Princip (1894-1918) Bobcat Goldthwait (1962-) Tsar Nicholas II of Russia (1868-1918) The Cat in the Hat Joseph Stalin of the Soviet Union (1878-1953) Vladimir Ilyich Lenin of the Soviet Union (1870-1924) North Caucasus Map

On June 28, 1914 (Sun.) after waiting seemingly forever in vain for his old fart uncle Austrian-Hungarian Emperor (since 1848) Franz Joseph I (1830-1916) to die, and shooting 200K game animals in the meantime and mounting 5K in his palace hallway, Archduke Franz (Francis) Ferdinand (b. 1863), heir to the Hapsburg throne of Austria-Hungary and his morganatic wife (since 1900) Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg (1868-1914) went driving in their Graf und Stift automobile along the Appel Quay beside the Miliaca River in the Bosnian capital of Sarajevo, when a bomb was thrown onto their car, but bounced off, after which they visited the Burgomaster and Bosnia-Herzegovina gov. Gen. Oskar Potiorek (1853-1933) at the town hall, who commented that Bosnians don't make two assassination attempts in the same day, causing the couple to decide to take off again to visit Potiorek's wounded aide-de-camp in a hospital. Too bad, while driving to the hospital on Francis-Joseph St., the car stopped to go into reverse after it discovered that they were back on the Latin Bridge on Appel Quay, and at 11:15 a.m. from the crowd consumptive Serb nationalist (Austrian subject) Gavrilo Princip (1894-1918), who with secret Serb military backing wanted to create a Greater Serbia by breaking off Austria-Hungary's S Slav provinces in Bosnia assassinated the archduke and his wife with a Browning .380 pistol (serial #19074) (rediscovered in 2004) that had been given to him by the chief of the intel section of the Serbian gen. staff. The news was dispatched at 12:30 p.m., and by the next day Europe was buzzing with talk of Serbian intrigue, even though Serbia itself was later vindicated, and the archduke's own family ignored his funeral. Instead of blowing over, this fractal moment in human history led directly to the outbreak of World War I, which started as a religious thing, Greek Orthodox Catholic Serbia and Russia vs. Roman Catholic Austria-Hungary and Germany, although Germany was really more Protestant than Roman Catholic, and Roman Catholic France and Protestant Britain came in on Russia's side, while the Ottomans ended up on the German and Russian Central Powers side, and the Italians and American Yankees ended up on the French-British Allied Powers side, forget it, it would take a year, 70 million soldiers incl. 60 million Euros mobilized, 15 million killed, all for nothing, Gallipoli was all Churchill's fault. After Greek Orthodox Russian tsar (1894-1917) Nicholas II (1868-1918) got in over his head in WWI, allowing the atheistic Communist Reds to stage the 1917 Russian Revolution, the Soviet Union was officially created in 1922 by Vladimir Ilyich Lenin (1870-1924), soon getting taken over by horrible dictator Joseph Stalin (1878-1953) and becoming the #1 threat to world peace and freedom ahead of Islam until it became kaput in 1991. Although it turned a large percentage of the Earth's landmass into a giant police state and slave labor camp, and even fooled a lot of Western intellectuals for a long time that it was a workers paradise, and did persecute all religious people and organizations and destroy churches and mosques while attemping to educate their children into an atheist worldview, it did keep down a number of Islamic republics in C Asia, which broke loose and now are looming as the next greatest threat to world peace and freedom. One good or bad thing depending on your point of view was Stalin's deportation of the pop. of backward fundamentalist Muslim Chechnya to Siberia in 1944 so that they wouldn't start up Islamic separatist terrorism, but after Stalin died his successor Nikita Khrushchev allowed them to return in 1957. When the Soviet Union broke up, the Russian Federation kept the North Caucasus, the region between the Black and Caspian Seas N of Georgia and Azerbaijan, incl. Chechnya and Dagestan, which have an Islamic majority, bringing Islamic terrorism home to them. A future reawakening of Turkey with another caliphate will cause that region to become the soft underbelly of Russia, if not Europe. Not Europe alone. The Uighurs in Xinjiang in NW China are even now busily trying to break off a new Muslim state. Another factor we still have to deal with is that the Soviet Commies had a systematic program of infiltrating govts. and institutions in their way, incl. Western churches, and even Islamic orgs., skewing the scenery to this day even after Soviet Communism is supposedly kaput, check back with me after Armageddon who was really working for whom. Modern Commies might actually hate the capitalist West so much that they hope to undermine it by encouraging and protecting Muslim immigration, although how they're going to stand living with them even if they set up a Commie dictatorship probably doesn't cross their minds, or maybe it does and we don't want to know. But I'm skipping ahead again.

Ottoman Empire Map, 1914 Turkey Mustafa Kemal Ataturk of Turkey (1881-1938) Last Turkey Caliph Abdul Mejid II (1868-1944) Taha Hussein (1889-1973) Hoda Shaarawi (1879-1947)

After the increasingly atheist post-Christian West passed them up in every category of civilization, WWI knocked the stuffing out of the decrepit backward Medieval-throwback turkey Ottoman Empire, which the Allies led by Britain carved up into smaller pieces that were carefully balanced to prevent them from reuniting or tearing each other up, while falsely considering Islam to be dead and the Quran to be for public display purposes only as their infidel Western civilization had clearly proven itself superior and all they had to do was educate them into denying all its clear commands to finish what it started in the 7th century, or at least convince them the time limit had elapsed. Not that they wanted to convert Muslims to Christianity, since the rise of Darwinism and Communism had made the govts. agnostic or atheist and secular, worshiping Science as their god. No surprise, a new kind of pro-Western Muslim arose, the secular kind, led by Mustafa Kemal Ataturk (1881-1938), who helped overthrow the Ottoman sultanate and found the Republic of Turkey, on Oct. 29, 1923, becoming pres. #1 until 1938. For once a large group of Muslims tried to throw off the retro Muhammad-era crap, incl. the veil, sexism, Medieval Muslim garb, Sharia and Allah Akbar crap, along with the silly religious superstition rampant in the Quran and other Muslim literature, uttering the Aug. 30, 1925 soundbyte "In the face of knowledge, Science, and of the whole extent of radiant civilization, I cannot accept the presence in Turkey's civilized community of people primitive enough to seek material and spiritual benefits in the guidance of sheiks. The Turkish Republic cannot be a country of sheiks, dervishes, and disciples. The best, the truest order is the order of civilization. To be a man it is enough to carry out the requirements of civilization." Then, with the soundbyte "The religion of Islam will be elevated if it will cease to be a political instrument", on Mar. 2-3, 1924 Attaboy ended the horrible blood-soaked Muslim Caliphate (line of miltary-religious rulers tracing back to Muhammad in 632 C.E. who claimed to head Sunni Islam), attaboy Mustafa, maybe there is room for Islam on Planet Earth. For your next appearance on "Jeopardy!", the last caliph was Abdul Mejid (Abdulmecid) II (1868-1944), who reigned from Nov. 19, 1922 to Mar. 3, 1924, what a turkey. Ataturk was also quoted by Harold Courtenay Armstrong in Grey Wolf: Mustafa Kemal: An Intimate Study of a Dictator (1938) as saying: "Islam, this theology of an immoral Arab is a dead thing. Possibly it might have suited tribes of nomads in the deserts. It was no good for a modern progressive state." Also: "For five hundred years these rules and theories of an Arab sheik and the interpretations of generations of lazy, good-for-nothing priests have decided the civil and the criminal law of Turkey." "To his friends he had always made it clear that he would root out religion from Turkey. When he talked of religion, he became eloquent and violent. Religion was for him the cold clogging lava that held down below its crust the flaming soul of the nation. He would tear that crust aside and release the volcanic energy of the people. It was a poison that had rotted the body politic. He would purge the State of that poison. Until religion was gone, he could not make of Turkey a vigorous modern nation." "For five hundred years these rules and theories of an Arab sheik, he said, and the interpretations of generations of lazy, good-for-nothing priests have decided the civil and the criminal law of Turkey." Let's build a smarter planet. Jacques Benoist-Mechin's Mustapha Kamal, ou La Mort d'un Empire (1954) contains the quote: "Islam, this absurd theology of an immoral Bedouin, is a rotting corpse which poisons our lives." Too bad, Ataturk was too smart to sign his name to statements like that, so call it a persistent rumor. Blind Egyptian scholar (disciple of Rene Descartes) Taha Hussein (1889-1973) (first Ph.D grad of secular Cairo U. in 1914) even tried flying solo by publishing the seminal 1926 work "On Pre-Islamic Poetry", questioning the authenticity of traditional Arab poetry, and by implication the Quran, causing his book to be banned, which only made it more popular, after which he advocated Pharaonism, a return to Egypt's pre-Islamic past, what a breakthrough this would be for Persia, Arabia and other Islamic countries, imagine where they could be today. In 1923 Hoda (Huda) Shaarawi (1879-1947) boldly did the full monty in public at a train station in Cairo, taking off her hooda, er, veil and shaarawing, er, showing her naked gasp, face, launching a feminist movement in Egypt. Happy ending, case closed? Hardly. Egypt also became the home of the Muslim Brotherhood, which grew in strength and backed the 1952 coup that ousted King Farouk for Nasser, only to see him turn on them, giving them another breather, but after the assassination of Anwar Sadat they have been steadily losing ground to the MB, so that a graduation photo at Cairo U. now looks like a sick costume ball, Dove soap won't help that dryness. While it's hard to underestimate the impact of secular Islam, and the jury is still out on whether it will prevail or be swallowed up in fundamentalist Sharia, it set the hardcore blood-loving fundamentalist throwback extremists (the great majority) back, and even though they could still read what the Quran commands them to do, and didn't see any time limit set by Allah, most laid low and only grumbled, taking decades to regroup and come out in favor of a restored caliphate, like the Terminator they never ever give up, they'll be baaack, you can count on it, eat your pineapples, munch on your eggplants, your day will come, infidels. In his Oct. 7, 2001 video, the new extremist fundamentalist Wahhabi Robin Hood (emphasis on hood) Crackalackin Bad Mouthin, er, Osama ("lion") bin Laden (1957-2011) called the lack of a caliphate a "humiliation and disgrace", which is no wonder, because ever since 1924 no Muslim has been quite sure if they had the right to call for a yummy jihad (the #1 power of the caliph) to throw Muslim sheriffs back at the West like madass Terminators, like he already did, guess who he thinks should be the caliph? In 2007 a series of Khilafah Conferences were held in 12 countries incl. Indonesia, Malaysia, Britain, and Ukraine by the Khilafah Movement to restore the Islamic Khilafah or Caliphate and conquer da world, no, I'm not confusing this with part four of The Matrix, so do get nervous. Not just 2007, but 2008 and 2009, I guess they're not going away. By the way, the rulers of Saudi Arabia publicly condemn al-Qaida and their errant son Osama bin Laden, but what they don't tell you is the reason, namely that he took it upon himself to declare jihad on the U.S. and Israel when he isn't a caliph, and what they want is for the caliphate to be restored first, so that when the caliph does declare jihad, all 1.x billion Muslims will take up arms, not just so many thousands, at which point all the Muslims in Western countries will become enemy combatants, sweet dreams, it's forever Muslim-free 1999 in the Matrix. By the way, it's the OBLIGATION of the caliphate to declare jihad at least once a year in order to bring the infidel non-Muslim World under Islamic domination complete with Allah's Sharia, where even a mere insult or criticism of Islam is punished with death. Oh yes, since most people are now post-religion, those who are captured will be considered devil-worshiping animals, you say you're metrosexual, and it will be convert or die for them, no option to pay jizya. Oh, I almost forgot, true Muslims must still wage jihad even if there's no caliph, according to the 14th cent. Sunni Islamic law manual 'Umdat al-Salik (Reliance of the Traveller), which was certified by Al-Azhar U. in Cairo, the highest authority in Sunni Islam, and in 1991 became the first standard Islamic legal reference to be translated into a Euro language (English), so maybe the real reason the Saudi royals are against bin Laden is because he wants to kill them too as sellouts to the West, we don't have to fight dragons, we can work with them, welcome to Glad TV.

Gertrude Bell (1868-1926) British Lt. Col. Gerard Evelyn Leachman (1880-1920) Harith al-Dari (1941-) Ghazi I of Iraq (1912-39) Nuri as-Said of Iraq (1888-1958)

Now that the Sick Man of Europe was in the morgue, the British supervised its dismemberment in hopes that it would never rise again, while stupidly leaving the source of the infection in Mecca in the hands of the Sherifians, leaving open the possibility that it could. On May 5, 1920 after English Middle East traveler Gertrude Margaret Lowthian Bell (1868-1926) drew a map that Winston Churchill didn't contest (because he hated Classics at Harrow School?), the Apr. 25 League of Nations British Mandate of Mesopotamia for the phony patchwork kingdom of Iraq (named after the ancient city of Uruk and/or "fertile land") was formally accepted by Britain, creating a new country from the former Ottoman provinces (vilayets) of Baghdad (mostly Sunni), Mosul (mostly Kurdish and Assyrian Christian), and Basra (mostly Shiite), with a pop. of 3M, 97% Muslim, 35%-40% (20%?) Sunni and 60%-65% Shiite; 80% are Arabic speaking and 15% Kurdish speaking; the Shiites constitute 80% of the Arab pop.; 80% are rural, with the largest city being Baghdad with 200K pop. (6.5M today); Baghdad is the center of the Sunni pop. which extends N into Anbar and W into Diyala Provinces; Basra and Kurdistan were later found to contain oil, which the Sunnis latched onto, improverishing the Shiites and creating mucho grievances. Too bad, a promise to create an independent Kurdistan was reneged on by the League, and the mainly Sunni Kurds ended up trapped between Iraq, Turkey, Syria, and Persia, Saladin's descendants don't get no respect. In June 1920 British Lt.-Col. Gerard Evelyn Leachman (1880-1920) (known for his swarthy Semitic looks and camel-riding ability, allowing him to pass as a bedouin, who fought against the Ottomans in WWI then tried to stop rebel Arab tribesmen by wholesale slaughter) was assassinated in Fallujah, Iraq by Sheikh Dari (Dhari), sparking a violent uprising against British rule in N and C Iraq which lasted most of the summer and was finally crushed by RAF warplanes from the nearby base at Habaniyah (50 mi. W of Baghdad), after which Fallujah remained the capital of anti-British resistance in Iraq. Harith al-Dari (al-Dhari) (1941-), grandson of big hero Sheikh Dari, who presented his granddaddy's gun to Saddam Hussein in 2000 became secy.-gen. of the Assoc. of Sunni Muslim Scholars, formed on Apr. 14, 2003 (four days after the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq), and backed the anti-U.S. insurgency in the 2003 U.S. Iraq War, and on Nov. 16, 2006 he became the most wanted man in Iraq after an arrest warrant was issued by the U.S.-backed Iraq govt., causing him to split to parts unknown, then give an interview to Time magazine in May 2007 and Al Jazeera in July 2007. In Aug. 1933 Gen. Bakr Sidqi (1890-1937), a Kurdish Arab nationalist ordered the Iraqi army to crush Assyrian separatists in Sumail (near Mosul), Iraq, killing 3K civilians and replacing the Iraqi civilian govt. with a military one, becoming the first coup d'etat in the Arab world, I wanna start a fight. On Sept. 8, 1933 Iraqi king Faisal I (b. 1883) died, and his 21-y.-o. pan-Arab nationalist son Ghazi (Arab. "warrior against infidels") I (1912-39) became king of Iraq (until Apr. 4, 1939), going on to sympathize with Nazi Germany and claim Kuwait for Iraq, a claim they seemingly never give up. On Dec. 24, 1938 former Iraqi PM (1930-2) Nuri as-Said (1888-1958), brother-in-law of Jafar Pasha al-Askari (the only Iraqi politician to seek refuge in the British embassy during the 1936 Bakr coup) returned from exile in Egypt to Iraq, was kicked back to London for being pro-British, then staged a a remote-control coup via Arab nationalist col. Salah al-Din al-Sabbagh (1889-1945), returning and becoming PM of Iraq (until 1958), going on to plot to get rid of King Ghazi I in a mysterious accident in 1939 and increase British influence in Iraq, this must be where the Bush Iraqi War got its start.

Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi I of Iran (1878-1944) Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi II of Iran (1919-80)

In Persia the secularists made their move also, under Mohammad Reza Pahlavi I (1878-1944), who became shah (emperor) of Iran on Dec. 15, 1925, backing the Western Allies against the Communist Bloc while running a no-frills police state that also tried to implement the Ataturk program. Too bad, he admired Herr Hitler and his Nazis too much, changing the name of Persia in 1937 to Iran in honor of the Aryan Race, and after the British and and their temporary Soviet allies invaded on Sept. 16, 1941, he abdicated in favor of his son Mohammad Reza Pahlavi II (1919-80), who became the 2nd and last Pahlavi shah, until he fled to exile on Feb. 11, 1979 for trying to enact land reform and push women's emancipation on a country with 180K Muslim preachers, and even permit Baha'is to work in govt. posts.

Sir William Muir (1819-1905) U.S. Pres. Rutherford B. Hayes (1822-93) Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) U.S. Pres. Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919) Hilaire Belloc (1870-1953)

Fled to exile in 1979? Too bad, despite the surface appearance that 7th century world-dominating Islam was dead and Muslims were becoming educated with Western values and would be good if only they were given the opportunity, and maybe even chuck Muhammad as sick and retro, well-educated Euros knew better, and said so, unfortunately to loud yawns. In 1858-61 Scottish Orientalist Sir William Muir (1819-1905), known for his knowledge of Arabic pub. A Life of Mahomet and History of Islam to the Era of the Hegira (4 vols.), warning the still-Christian West that Islam was of the Devil: "It is incumbent upon us to consider this question from a Christian point of view, and to ask whether the supernatural influence, which... acted upon the soul of the Arabian prophet may not have proceeded from the Evil One... Our belief in the power of the Evil One must lead us to consider this as at least one of the possible causes of the fall of Mahomet... into the meshes of deception... May we conceive that a diabolical influence and inspiration was permitted to enslave the heart of him who had deliberately yielded to the compromise with evil." He also warned that Islam brings three "Radical Evils": "First: Polygamy, Divorce, and Slavery strike at the root of public morals, poison domestic life, and disorganise society; while the Veil removes the female sex from its just position and influence in the world. Second: freedom of tho